ownership and surrender
what i am learning is the difference between ownership and surrender.
that may sound odd, but they draw different kinds of submission and different levels of it from me. in the past i have always been owned, both r/l and online, and surrender was not something that was waited for, asked of me, expected... if my Master/Mistress wanted something of me, they simply ripped it away from me.
it is different now, because the things that in the past might have been ordered of me, ripped from me, are now willingly surrendered.
last night, Master asked me to touch myself for Him; for Him to watch. this has always been a little taboo for me, perhaps because i am so shy, perhaps because i grew up in such a religious household that taught masturbation was a tool of the devil and would send me straight to hell, i have no idea. it is something i have always found humiliating, but... it strangely wasn't that way last night.
last night it was humbling. i was asked to do it, ordered, yes, but before He knew it was an issue of any sort for me. He did not grow angy at me when i hesitated, He did not jump all over me, punish me, scream at me, which is what has always happened to me in the past. Instead, He was silent.
that scared me more than yelling would have. i knew i wanted to please Him, and His silence urged me on. He was patient; it took me a minute or two to get my nerve up, but He was not angry at me at all, which i found positively extraordinary. eventually, i was able to put my fear aside, to surrender it to Him, really... and do as He asked.
there was little said of the incident afterwards, but it was a large hurdle for me in two ways. it made me grow exponentially for trust in Him, seeing that His anger will not flare quickly and seeing His patience. Secondly, it made me learn the beautiful difference between surrender and ownership in a truer sense. i had thought about it before, and have even mentioned it before, but... i never ~truly~ understood it before.
i am a lucky girl. and, i can truthfully say that Master is a lucky Man. His understanding and patience, and His ability to have this one's slow surrender (as opposed to yanking her submission away from her) have gained Him one who will always be not only most devoted, but in awe of Him, of His strength and His true Dominant heart and spirit.
til W/we meet again, be well and happy --di.