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Just Humor Me Archives: Tops Are From Jupiter, Bottoms Are From Uranus A Thousand Years From Now, We'll All Look Back At This And Laugh... Pity, Party Of One, Your Table Is Ready... The Bustin' Stereotypes Across America Tour The Jerry Falwell Free Gay Advertising Program It's Safer Sex Story Time, Boys & Girls! Heterosexuals Ate My Balls, But They Couldn't Swallow the Irony! We Weren't Recruited, We Enlisted!
The only conduct that's unbecoming is the military's policy on gays and lesbians!
Would you like some literature? The Tales of the City books will lure you in!
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"We want you as a new recruit!" Except for the Village People, that’s not something you hear very often from gay people. However, according to groups like the Christian Coalition, the American Family Association, and the Concerned Women of America, recruiting is the way we reproduce more of us, instead of just getting knocked up like they do. When’s the last time you’ve ever heard of someone being recruited to gayness? Or a gay person trying to recruit a straight one? It just doesn’t happen. You don’t see billboards or TV ads saying, "Switch to gay today and get 30 minutes free long distance each month," or "Turn lesbian and enjoy shinier, whiter teeth!" While many of us may work for Madison Avenue, a lot of us are too busy building up our own closets rather than opening someone else’s. Comedian Jason Stuart put it best when he said about recruiting for homosexuality, "What are the selling points? We have no rights and everyone hates us." Too true. But perhaps this negative advertising can work for us. Just look what it’s done for smokers. Every cigarette ad proudly states "Quitting Smoking Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health." Besides the health downers, there’s the yellow teeth and bad breath to boot, but that’s not stopping anyone from joining. Maybe it’s that sense of danger that entices new recruits. If so, maybe we should run some catchy ads like "You could be fired from your job and evicted from your apartment. Sign up now!" Or maybe "Sodomy is a sin AND illegal in Missouri, so what’re you waiting for?" Or how about "Coming Out Now Greatly Increases Serious Risks to Your Health from Gaybashing." It would sound great as a jingle. What’s most ironic about the whole recruiting thing is that the groups accusing us of recruiting are themselves the heaviest recruiters. The only groups recruiting these days are religions, the armed forces, and AMWAY. Them and the damn long distance companies. We should start our own telephony company, 10-10-GAY. Sign up your friends and ‘family’ and receive Madonna’s latest single. Call collect by using 1-800-IM-QUEER. Lea Delaria could be our spokesperson, just so there would be no doubt. Religions are the heaviest recruiters by far (if you’re religious I hope I don’t offend you, but since I’m an atheist I don’t really care). When Pat Robertson uses his 700 Club TV show to accuse us of recruiting, I want to punch him in his hypocritical nose. Before Sunday tea we don’t dress up in suits and go door to door like Jehovah’s Witnesses passing out copies of "Tales of the City." We don’t pair up and bike around on sabbatical or stick ads for Out magazine under car windshields. In college I had so many people who wanted to talk to me about the state of my immortal soul, I finally started to wear a T-shirt that said "No Soliciting." The armed forces certainly use a lot of our tax money on TV ads to muster new troops. And then they say we can’t join! Lesbians especially are ideal recruits for women in the Army and other branches. If we go to war, I don’t want some ditzy straight cheerleader-types defending our country; I’d feel much safer with a mean gang of butch dykes with attitude and AK-47s kicking Saddam’s ass. The military likes to present an image of noble, straight, and virile soldiers. In reality for a lot of recruits, the armed forces are one step away from jail. No money, no job, it’s either rob a liquor store or join the Army. Plus, if they want to keep queers out of the military, that’s fine with me. Just give me all my fucking tax money back. If not, they can take "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" and shove it where the sun Don’t Shine. AMWAY is another group that tries to enlist others. I used to work at a mall and I got cruised more by AMWAY salespeople than gay men! I once had the whole meeting with drawings and everything (hey, the guy was cute), and it’s basically just a pyramid scheme. You know, you recruit some people and they in turn each recruit others and so on. Kind of like lesbian relationships in a small town. The problem with AMWAY is that you can only buy products from their catalog, and there’s not a Tommy Hilfiger or Yves St. Laurent in sight. If we started our own, AMGAY or something, with discounts on any name-brand clothes, cologne, and any music over 120 BPM, queers would be breaking down the doors to get in. There are some drawbacks, though. In pyramid schemes, like gay men, there are more bottoms than tops. In a way I wish we really did recruit. When I was a teenager, if some hunky men had knocked on my door wearing YMLA gear passing out Colt magazines and asked me to join, I would’ve said "YES!!!" My parents, church, and girlfriend combined wouldn’t have kept me from enlisting. Even if homosexuality were a choice I’d still sign up. If I weren’t gay I’d just be some average almost-30 white guy with a crappy job and receding hairline. But since I’m gay, I’m somebody. I’ve got a purpose in life. I’ve got moral outrage. I’ve got my own web page. I’ve got music. I’ve got rhythm. Who could ask for anything more?
Just humor me by e-mailing tlee3@ix.netcom.com or visit http://geocities.datacellar.net/WestHollywood/2555/fqm0.html.
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