A Life Long Struggle - Part Five



Two years before the end of my third marriage, things for me began to change. I was increasingly beginning to realize that I couldn't live my life as a male much longer. The inability to dress began to give me strength. Funny as that may sound, that was exactly what was happening to me. The more I was denied, the stronger I got. I slowly got fed up of hiding from my wife, our friends and society as a whole. I was sick of being something that I was not.

Being a male was getting harder and harder to deal with. I hated it. As I did my male body parts. I hated playing the role of the male in our marriage. I longed to be the one that wore the dresses in the family. But my wife would have none of that. As she made very clear to me on numerous occasions. And each time she did, it hurt me more and more.

But I still was a long way from being able to do anything about my situation. My desire grew and grew. At times almost uncontrollable. I was getting stronger, but the situation drove me to continue hiding and slowly built up the anger inside of me. I didn't want to ruin my marriage but I knew then that sooner or later Laurie would come out. And she did, ever so slowly.

A year went by and things were getting harder on me and our marriage. Our relationship was becoming very strained. Fighting began to be the order of the day. At the same time, I started to quit feeling sorry for myself. I started to quit being so hard on myself because of how I felt. My self-denial began to slowly ease. I had never felt like this before in my life. To some degree, I was allowing myself to just let it go, to let that part of me flow to the surface and not feel guilty about it.

This started me talking about it more and more around my wife. This caused her to take the defensive. Which caused more fighting and bitterness between us. Six months later I knew I had to get out of our marriage. I had come full circle. I knew who I was and I needed to be the real me. But I tried to keep our marriage together. I still loved my wife and didn't want to ruin 10 years of marriage. Though I was feeling better, the inability to do anything was driving me crazy.

Discussing it with my wife was out of the question. I hit a brick wall each and every time I tried. I began to drink again. Slowly at first, but more and more. This caused more trouble between my wife and me. But I didn't know what else I could do. I couldn't do anything and it only enraged me more. Not being able to discuss it out in the open with my wife just caused me more stress and anger. At the same time, it was causing her stress and anger too.

Our marriage ended well before I left. The fighting was so bad and hateful. Our marriage was falling apart. But inside of me by this time, I was ready to either commit suicide or leave and be the girl I am. The last few months were so hard on both of us. But I was stronger than I had ever been in my life. I knew it was time to go and live my new life. But where to go was the question. With no income of my own, I couldn't just up and leave. It was tearing me apart. But I could do nothing about it. We both had reached our limit, the point of no return. Our marriage was over and we both knew it.

But then something I had never expected happened. I had been trying to make money on the internet. Everything I did failed, but in the process I had made some new friends. Feeling bad because I had gotten them into an opportunity which failed, we started getting into other stuff and before we knew it, it had been a good year that we stuck together. Then when things got so bad, my friends came out and said they knew my little secret. I denied it of course. But after lengthy talks and my marriage all but over, I finally came out and told them I was a TS. They had been trying to get me out of the bad situation with my wife and to move in with them. But I hung on.

In the end the fighting finally got to me and so did the anger I felt being unable to be Laurie. I broke down and told them to come and get me. Two weeks later, I was gone. In those two weeks my wife so gratefully started rearranging the furniture, moving my stuff out and her stuff in. That made me so mad. Totally insensitive and uncaring, it made me sick. I had to ask her to quit until I left. She had made her mind up also, long before we broke up. To this day, I hate her for doing that. And I have no doubt she hated me for ruining our marriage. I was evil, sick and needed mental help. If she could, she would have committed me to a mental institution.

So, I moved to Iowa and began my new life. I was so grateful for the help my friends gave me, even though they had never seen me before in their lives. I got out of the most hurtful place I had ever been in with their help. I was free!!!! I now could live my life as Laurie anytime I wanted. Without being judged, yelled at, made fun of or worry about ruining my marriage. I was finally on my way to being Laurie full time. The stress and strain of my marriage quickly disappeared. The anger that had built up inside of me because I couldn't be Laurie slowly disappeared too. Leaving my wife and marriage behind wasn't easy for me. Though I was finally free to be the real person I am, I still loved my wife very much. Even after all the fighting and hurtful things that were said and done in the last few months. But even though I wasn't there, our fighting continued, on the phone or over the internet via email. Our marriage was over. I still loved my wife but she refused to have anything to do with Laurie. She totally refused to even try just a tiny bit to understand. I realized she did not love me. Even after 10 years of marriage, all that mattered to her was that she had nothing to do with Laurie. But as I sit here now and write this, my life has changed for the better. And all the negative things I had to endure in my marriage are all gone now. I was free! Free to be me. And that is exactly what I have done. My new life had started and was getting better with each passing day.


To be continued........





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