We moved in together and things at first went pretty well. I was very happy with her and she with me. We got us a house because she had two kids and we needed more space. Everything was going according to my plan. Laurie was now locked deep down inside of me and I was able to hold back any feelings or desire I had to be Laurie. But that was about to change.
My girlfriend had quit her job at the apartments where we met and had gotten a job at a corporation who supplied insurance for companies and their employees. The dress code at her new job required her to wear dresses everyday. This soon became a big problem for me. And my nightmare and struggle within began to resurface. The control I thought I had, was quickly beginning to slip away. The problem; I was jealous. As petty as it may sound, jealousy was one of my worst enemies. It had been only one of the many reasons my first two marriages failed.
I began to get depressed. My depression got worse and worse each passing day. My control of the struggle inside finally broke down. Hadn't I learned anything from my first two marriages? I guess not because I was ready to call the whole thing off and move out. I just couldn't bear to see her dressed up every morning. I grew angry and frustrated. The struggle inside of me began to become a full blown war again. I was helpless. I had really thought I could control or hide that part of myself and be happy. I was very wrong.
I should say that I had not mentioned anything to her about me being transgendered. I was afraid that if I did tell her, the relationship would surely end. I didn't want that to happen. But with each passing day, my depression and jealousy grew more and more. I couldn't stop it, know matter what I did. I tried not to be home when she got off of work. Hoping she would change her clothes before I got back. In the mornings I would hide under my blankets and pretend I was asleep so I would not see what she was wearing to work that day. By this time, I was in another deep, dark depression with no hope of coming out of it. I was in trouble again. Hopeless to do much about my feelings.
This wasn't the first time that my jealously had become a problem for me. It happened in my previous marriages and other relationships I had been in. I could see a girl walking down the street and get jealous. I would say to myself, "it's just not fair, why can't that be me. I should look like that. I should be wearing those clothes, being the girl I truly was". I then would get very angry and totally frustrated. I blamed society for keeping me from doing...what I knew was so right for me. It just wasn't fair. How did I end up this way? Why did I end up this way? Who was responsible for making me like I was? I'm a girl, why did I look like a male?
By this time, my girlfriend realized that there was a problem between us. I had withdrawn into myself in self-pity and denial. She asked me over and over again what was wrong. But if I told her I would lose her and that was something I didn't want to happen. If I didn't tell her, I knew my depression would get so bad that suicide would enter my thoughts again. I thought about drinking again to help me deal with the war inside of me. Something had to be done before I ruined everything and this relationship as I had in the past. Things were starting to get serious as I slipped deeper and deeper into my depression.
One day she sat me down and asked what was going on. Since I couldn't come right out and tell her, I made her guess what the problem was. She kept telling me that nothing could change how she felt about me and to just tell her what the problem was. I just couldn't come out with it. As she tried to guess what it was, she finally hit it - you like to dress up as a girl she asked. At first I didn't say she guessed the right answer or not. So, she kept on guessing and finally after hours of guessing, I told her which one it was. She said she was so relieved that I wasn't an axe murderer or something like that and that my being transgendered was no problem at all. AS LONG AS SHE DIDN'T SEE IT OR HERE ABOUT IT. It wouldn't bother her. I had to tell her that she made me jealous and that if she did not wear dresses and other things that would make me start thinking about being a girl, I could deal with it. She agreed with that rather quickly because she hated dressing up like that anyway.
I soon began to come out of my depression. The anger and guilt started to go away and I quickly buried them deep inside of me. As long as things remained this way, I felt I could hide my feelings indefinitely. I knew I would have periods where I would start thinking about being a female, but I could quickly put it to rest and lock it away again. Everything began to get better and our love continued to grow strong. Four years later, we got married. I had made us wait because I was afraid my desires would resurface and that I wouldn't be able to control it. But that didn't happen and we soon were on our honeymoon. Though at times my feelings of being a female resurfaced I was able to control it and keep it hidden away.
Then after eight years I noticed that I started thinking about being a female more and more. With each passing day, it was getting worse and worse. Hiding it for eight years was beginning to take it's toll on me. I found that I had lost the ability to hide my inner feelings. I soon was in deep depression. My anger and guilt soon overwhelmed me again. I tried so hard to tell myself that I must get this under control and keep it hidden. But I couldn't. And deeper my depression grew. Everything started to boil up to the surface and I was faced with dealing with my desires of being a female once again. But this time it was different. It was much stronger than ever before. I was deep in self-denial.
As in the past the anger and guilt became overwhelming. There was know doubt about it - I was a female. No matter how hard I tried, I could no longer hide everything as I had been doing. I started to talk a little bit about it with my wife, but I hit a brick wall every time I did. She did not want anything to do with it nor did she want to see me that way. She had made that perfectly clear. I was in a no-win situation. I couldn't talk about Laurie, nor could I dress the way I should be. Things just got worse and worse.
By this time, my wife and I began having really nasty fights. Which only got worse as time went by. To help my depression I started drinking. With each passing day, I talked about it more and more. The fighting got worse and worse. I knew that I was heading down the same road that I did with my first two marriages. I knew the end was coming sooner or later. But I could do nothing to stop it. I started wearing clear nail polish and got away with it at times. I got real brave one day and asked her if I could get my ears pierced. To my surprise she said yes. I had them done and three days later had to take them out because friends were coming over. I got them done three times. And each time, I had to take them out within a matter of days. On my third try, I had to take them out three hours after having them done. A friend of her's was coming over and she would most certainly see me. I argued I could hide in another room but that didn't make any difference.
The fighting between us intensified. From the time we woke up until the time we went to bed, we fought. And we fought and we fought. Our marriage had become a complete nightmare. The beginning of the end had begun. My drinking got worse and worse. But it was the only way I could deal with the situation. This became a two edged sword. When I drank, I couldn't control talking about me wanting to be a female. I talked more and more about it and it only made my wife madder. I became this evil monster to her now. Twisted and evil! One that must be silenced, even if it meant death. Her hatred of me grew and grew. I was the devil, ruining her life. Ruining everything we had.
I began to spend my days in my office. Keeping to myself and withdrawn from her and the outside world. I hit an all-time low. Powerless! Hopeless! Angry and totally frustrated. I spent many of my days crying my eyes out. All day long. I had nobody to turn to for help, nobody I could talk to about what was happening or how I felt. I managed to go to see a therapist a few times but the cost prevented me from going full time as I should have been. Thoughts of suicide entered my head again.
There seemed to be no way to stop the struggle inside of me from coming out. The anger, frustration, hopelessness, guilt and self-denial plagued me, no matter what I did. My hatred towards everyone just grew and grew. I began to hate my wife also. I felt alone, isolated, powerless to end my inner struggle. Society dictated that I must be a male. Without compromise! Anything else would not be tolerated. Thoughts of being beat up, ridiculed, joked about and maybe even killed flooded my head. I just may be this evil thing my wife saw me as. Society does certainly look at me that way. A freak, weirdo, sissy and a fairy.
I was different from most and forced to feel shame for the way I perceived myself. These forces seemed so strong that I would never be able to overcome them. I would never be able to enjoy my life. To live free of the shame and guilt I had so much of inside me. How could I go on, knowing there was absolutely no hope of being the person I am. What is life? I have yet to find the answer to that question. What makes up a happy life? I have no idea. My world was crashing down all around me. Just as it had before. And then it finally happened. The one thing I had swore to make work, no matter what, my marriage came to a very bitter end. For the same reasons my first two did.
I will have to admit that I do understand how my wives felt. It was not easy to accept that their husband was transgendered, let alone wanting to be changed into a female. At least on the outside. I feel that I cheated them in some respects. And I am sure they feel the same way. Isn't it every girl's dream to have a big wedding and live happily ever after. To death do us part? Or should I blame society? For forcing me into something I just never was. But I was doing what society said I should. Doesn't society say as a male I must date females and at some point in my life get married and have 2.3 kids? Sure it does. That is perfectly acceptable behavior. So, I did the right thing. Right? Ask anyone and I am sure they would agree. As a male I was doing what was expected of me. As society dictated. Do I feel I have wronged them in some way? Yes, I do. And I offer my biggest apologies to all three of them, though they will never read this story.
But in the last year of my marriage, I did finally come to some self-acceptance of what and who I am. When it comes to that point, my marriage made me strong in many ways. Yes, I still carry with me all the crap placed on my shoulders by society. But I have begun to say NO I will not live my life for Joe blow down the street. I will not live my life as someone in New York says I should. It's my life and I have every right to live it as I want to. All my life I have done what other people said I should do. The way I should act. The way I should dress. That I must be the gender that I was born with. And that I should act accordingly. But I am fed up with that bunch of crap. I have every right to live my life to the fullest. Just like everybody else. I have every right to be happy and enjoy my life. Just like everybody else. I may be different, but I am still a human being. Just like everybody else.
Does this mean the end of my story, my struggle to be who I really am? No! I am now starting my life all over again. A brand new life. Where I can find life to be fun and enjoyable. To be the real me and not hide as I have done for years. The road ahead will be bumpy, I know that. It will be hard and long. But it is much better than the horror I have left behind as being a male. I finally can be just one person. Female on the inside and female on the outside. It is very hard to describe how I feel when I dress up and be the girl I am. A complete person. Not fragmented as I have been. I only hope that some day society will accept me and others like me because we are all human beings, no matter how we look or what we wear.
To be continued........