Feeling a little depressed at the time I wrote this:
Trapped inside. Dead or alive. Is it me or someone else trying to come out. There I am both of me except one is stronger than the other, and still weaker then the other. Physical attributes showing an outside shell of meanful presentation to those who look. But under the covers lies another person. Oh so very real she only screams to be revealed.
Feeling alone in a world so full of ordinary people. Blending in with the crowd, but screaming silently inside, "I'm in here!". He can't wait to be alone so she can come out and enjoy the day.
When very young, as a kindergartner, imagine how strange all the mixed feelings must have been. Wrapping his wrists with the ruffled edge of a blanket to look like the wear of girl's pajamas. Think of his confusion by such an illusion. Growing up slowly gathering all of his thoughts. Sometimes wishing he could go to school dressed as a girl. Oh how confusing this all seemed to the boy now in forth grade.
Sneaking a wear of stockings that hung to dry in his bathroom. Putting on lipstick and feeling so very relaxed and wonderful.
No one knows, no one understands. Alone so completely alone and so afraid of being caught. He thinks he is the only one in this world who does all these things. It's not even for sexual release he dresses for. It's for mental peace.
Righting something to him that the world feels is so fucking wrong. Being a man wanting the touch and feelings of being feminine. Like drugs to an addict his desires are stronger and stronger. Yet society feels its ok to rescue the drug addict, the liar, the thief or the abuser. We ask not to be rescued since we are not guilty of any crimes. We only ask for acceptance. We are good people, all kinds of people. Loving fathers who don't influence our children in any way and are probably more understanding and accepting of their wants and desires.
Alive inside, gaining strength by the discovery of others. Having found a net of people of the same, we learn to feel good about ourselves and hopefully come out to our closest loved ones. Always scared of the consequences if we did come out. Ultimately the end of a marriage could happen. Hopefully that wouldn't pass. We only ask for acceptance from those who really matter in our lives and whom we wish to share this with. The need for someone to share this with is becoming stronger and stronger and once we are out in the open we know we would be happier for it. The result would be the beginning of a whole new world to us.
October 9, 1998
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