A married man goes to confession and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbed together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in! |
Three cowboys - from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas - are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, "Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands." The Arkansan replies, "Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away". The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. |
A woman is driving through Idaho when her car breaks down. An Indian on horseback comes by and offers to take her to a nearby town, so she climbs up behind him and they ride off. Every few minutes during the ride, the Indian lets out a loud whoop. When they get to town, he drops her off at a gas station, yells one last time, and rides off. "What did you do to that guy?" asks the attendant. "I just put my arms around his waist and held the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," she says. "Lady," the attendant says, "Indians ride bareback!" |
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks. The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well..." answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!!" says the seaman "How'd you get the eye patch?" "A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies". "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well.." says the pireate, "it was my first day with the hook!" |
Two five-year -old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says to the other, "Whoa! What's up with your ding-dong?" "I've been circumcised," says the boy. "They cut the skin off the end when I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" asks the first. "You bet it hurt!" replies the second. "I didn't walk for a year!" |
