I only wish I looked as good as the graphics!

Background

Well since I decided to start putting together my diary again, I guess I should go back a few years and cover some history. Since I was 9 or 10 I have always wished that I had been born a female. I knew that my body was that of a male, but I never have felt comfortable as one. I never fit in doing boy things. Oh, I used to play a lot of games that most boys play. But I would rather play house, or a board game or cards. I always had trouble standing up for myself. When we would play cowboys and indians, I always liked to be caught. Then I could be tied up, and have to submit. I guess I was trying to find a place where my feelings inside could be at ease without having everyone have a fit.

My first crossdressing experience was at a halloween party. My older sister and mom decided to dress me up as a girl for the cub scout party. I really thought that no one would know who I was, but they all did. I never forgot how well it felt to be dressed that way.

I spent a lot of nights praying that GOD would change me in my sleep. After a while I knew that was not going to happen. I wonder why GOD won't help us out when we are little by granting us that one wish that would make out lives so much better? In any case as puberty began to set in, I knew that I was destine to live my life as a male. I decided that I had to try my best to be that which GOD gave me, my body being that of a male, and make the best of it.Of course that was a lot easier to think than to do. I didn't start to date girls at all until I was 16. I went with my neighborhood girl that I had grown up with. She was interested in seeing my long hair, and wanted to see what it would look like in curls. I was anxious to see that too. That day never came though. I broke it off with her. I guess I thought that if I followed the direction my hormones were pulling me, I would rid myself of the feelings I had for so long, so I dumpped her for another girl. I was 18 then and my body was going crazy. I moved in witht his girl that years later I would marry.

We experimented with me dressing up as a girl. She got scared one time, when she told me I look ed too much like a real girl, and that she wasn't happy making love to another woman. She could see how absorbed I was in being able to be the woman I had always dreamed of, and told me that if I really wanted to be a girl, she would help me with my hair and makeup, but that I would have to leave forever. I was crushed. I was scared. I didn't want to lose yet another person in my life, so I tried again to push it all in, and change. We were together for 6 years total. I never stopped dipping into her drawers for clothing when she wasn't around. I never knew why I kept doing it, but I just had to. Eventually we drifted apart, and one day seperated. I was confused and hurt. One of the more confusing things that I never will understand is why when I was living with a woman I would want to be one strongly, but when I lived alone, I didn't. I still don't understand that.

after about 6 months of living alone, I met my current wife. We fell head over heels in love. I got my divorce, and we got married. I never told her about my inner secret. I didn't want her to think I was a freak. In the beginning we were wonderfull together as man and woman. We had a child, and things looked like they were finially going right for once. But again after a year or two, I jsut could not keep out of her drawers. I would find time whenever I could to dress, and felt good about it. Of course I was horribly guilt ridden, and never could understand why I HAD to keep dressing up. I knew that I wanted to be VERY involved in the raising of my children, and loved every minute of that time. I always took care of the children at night. I had the "magic touch", and loved every minute of it too. Still, I had the need to dress as a woman every chance I got.