Merry Christmas! So, the presents have been opened and the eggnog drunk. I had a Christmas party Wednesday night which I've been reliving ever since. The guy I like didn't email me for a month! and well, to be honest, that really hurt. I didn't know what was going on--was he actually just really busy or was he avoiding me? He finally emailed me the day I was leaving school to come home...in fact, I had 30 minutes to finish my late paper and put it by my professor's office. Then I had to pack my stuff so my ride and I could get going on the 12 hour drive. I quickly emailed him and forgave him (which brings other things to mind, but we'll deal with that later) and then rushed on with my work. I emailed him twice while at home but with no response. I had gotten the impression that he was at school, so that's where I sent the emails. I was not sure what to think...I don't think I've ever spent so long on an emotional rollercoaster as I have this semester! But I digress.

I was hoping he would come to my party. I started worrying that if he did want to come, he would think it was off since the party was on only if I wasn't scheduled to work. So I could call him and tell him it was still on, but then what if he either didn't want to come or wanted to surprise me. I finally figured that if he didn't show up by 8pm, I'd have someone call him as a concerned friend, asking if he was coming or not. But he was on time. Three of my friends were already there, having been early and therefore having to listen to my worries. :-) The doorbell rang at 7:30pm, the official starting time. My father had left the big door open, leaving just the screen door there. I was down the hall and I turned. At first, I didn't recognize him with his new haircut. But as I got closer, I realized it was him and there are no words to describe the joy I felt. I felt relief and joy and god knows what else. And he had a red rose for me! I never get flowers and I love them so much. What can I say? I'm a romantic...give me chocolates and/or flowers and I'm all yours. *smile* Okay, I need a little more than that to just win me over, but when you've already captured my heart, that's the little extra bit that lets me know you care back. Back to the party...apparently, he stopped by my house earlier in the afternoon to see if the party was still on and made my brother promise not to tell me. How sweet is that! I've always hoped to find someone even half as romantic as I am and I'm lucking out now!

So I've had to deal with my insecurities a lot this past semester and I had a serious conversation the other night with my best friend about our issues. All this romance talk brings to mind the L-word and the problem of how to refer to people. My last two boyfriends...I called them boyfriend first and I received bad reactions. The first one was because he asked me out by ACCIDENT! Yeah, he meant to me ask me out on a date, but his friend was talking to him at the time and he got distracted before the note was finished. The next and most recent ex, I didn't refer to him as boyfriend for quite awhile and when I did, he was surprised because he apparently didn't feel that we were that serious. When I look back on my ex's, I feel so pathetic. My first boyfriend became that because he was practically forced to be, which the second was TOLD to be. The third, I think, felt bad for me. And then we get to the accidental boyfriend. And people wonder how I, while normally so aggressive and vivacious and other similiar adjectives, can become so insecure and passive when romance is involved. So, people have asked me about the guy I like now and what he is. I don't know...we never really talked about it and I don't want to scare him off. This kind of stuff needs to be his decision. I don't want to force anyone into a relationship and that was one of my worries this semester...did I push him into the relationship? We're at least dating...even if we've only gone on one official date. In any case, I'm happy just to know he cares...labels are so overrated anyway. I'd rather have the sweet words, the "hon"'s, the looks, and the touches than all the labels, because they speak more than an honorary label ever could.

And now for the L-word...yes, the most problematic 4-letter word in the dictionary. It's very difficult for me to say it to someone. The first time I said it to a guy, it slipped out and was thrown back in my face. So I tried to say it this semester...it happened once and that was after hours of trying to get the strength to say it.

Unfortunately, I'm too tired to keep writing about my soul-searching. I've been here at the computer too long and need to move to a new source of entertainment. *smiles* I'll continue this in a few days....