Insecurities and Genetic Inheritances

Yes, insecurities...I don't know how I come across on this page to those of you who don't know me in person. Heck, I don't even always know how I come across to those who do know me. :-) But most of you could attest to my rather extroverted personality. I'm a loud, aggressive person (which not everyone appreciates) who can be extremely melodramatic. I try to love life and make others laugh...but it doesn't always work. Too often, I seem to crash into unhappiness. Maybe it's not as often as I'm picturing it right now since I'm at home and my parents frustrate the bejesus out of me most of the time. But even at school it happens. On National Depression Screening Day, I was happy and I still just barely missed being a problem. But this is getting into my second issue, so let's return to the first, that of my insecurities.

I've been doing some real thinking lately...this guy that I like, we'll call him Romeo...I've been trying to figure out why I keep feeling so insecure about Romeo. I mean, day after day, I have to unconvince myself that I'm about to be told to get lost. This was understandable during the month that I didn't hear from him, but he brought me a beautiful red rose and he's so sweet just in general. I think if you watch us together, you'd see this happy little couple. But despite all the little wonderful things he does and has done, I sit around, completely unbelieving that he likes me! I know, you're saying, "Mel, you're so pathetic! What is wrong with you?" Well, I figured it out last night! My evil ex-bf was planning to dump me as soon as he left me in Massachusetts. But he would still act all sweet and pretend that we were perfectly fine...this is why it took me almost a month to realize we were finished and that I was glad about it. So I fear now that once again, I may think Romeo and I are okay, when we might not be. It's things like this that almost make me want to go back in time and erase ALL of second semester last year.

Almost...there are benefits to the whole mishap. I now have stronger standards, the biggest one being that if you're not kosher with my sexuality, than I can't spend time trying to undo your stereotypes as a girlfriend or romantic interest...I'll expend friendship time, but no more than that. I just can't risk my heart like that ever again. And I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm looking for in a relationship. And now that I've been able to understand my insecurity, I'm doing much better. Most of today, I've been fine. I've been happy and content when thinking of Romeo. I'm very happy about this.

Now to the genetics discussion...so my mother's side of the family has some various mental instabilities which I wonder all the time if I've inherited. What if my melodrama and my mood swings are really manic-depression? Or they're my attempts to combat clinical depression? What if I need to be medicated? I hope this is all a normal reaction to the stress and self-blame that I inflict upon myself. That brings to mind the constancy with which my parents try to make me feel bad. Whenever something goes wrong and I wasn't perfect, they yell at me and try to tell me I was irresponsible. That I should have asked for more details of the expectations of me if I was sure. I just want to smack them sometimes and yell at them to stop! As if I don't cause myself enough agony, why not just pile a little more on?! I'm sorry for that outburst, but my family STILL lacks communication skills, but I'll save the stories for another time when I'm not shivering to death. So, in an attempt to retain some relevance to the topic, what do you all think? Am I medically unstable? Or am I still normal, albeit somewhat borderline?

A joke from The Tonight Show heard while writing this entry...