Biopsy Results and Second Thoughts about Schizophrenic Guys ....or maybe not

First of all, I got my biopsy results back. I only have low-grade cervical dysplasia. What does that mean? An official definition: "The abnormal growth of the epithelial tissue on the surface of the cervis. It refers to a spectrun or continuum of changes specified as : CIN I--mild dysplasia; CIN II--moderate to marked dysplasia; and CIN III--severe dysplasia to carcinoma-in-situ (cancer localized to the intraepithelial tissue/superficial layer of the cervix)." I don't know which CIN is me, but I do know that I'm curable. In fact, nearly all cervical dysplasia can be cured and only 30 to 50% who go untreated may become invasive cancer. This is good. Next week, I'll undergo a little cryotherapy and I should be fine.

I must say that the best thing to happen to me during this was when I finally turned back to God. Don't run away! I'm still the bisexual, wannabe radical that I always was, but for several reasons, I've let my Christianity slip away and since that's a major part of my spirituality, I lost my spirituality as well. So I had no release, no safe place to turn when everything in my life was going badly...my love life, my academic life, and my health all at the same time. So I happened to talk to a girl in one of my classes who is a member of Campus Crusade for Christ and is good friends with my good friends. I don't quite know how it happened, but we prayed together and there was such a release. I let all my fears and worries go and I fell back onto God. I know this sounds silly to a lot of you, but I'm such a mentally unstable person, that I need something huge to rely on. My conception of God fills that void. But I won't bore you anymore with my religion. Instead I'll bore you with my love life, however nonexistant it's become.

Yes, Romeo and I are a thing of the past...I was so mad at him for awhile. And I couldn't take it anymore, but I wanted to wait until I thought I was in my right mind to take any action. After my religious re-awakening and after my colposcopy was over, my shoulders were so free from worry. Though I still wanted to wait until I got my colposcopy results back. But Monday (that is, last week) I was watching "The Princess Bride", one of my favorite movies and one that reminds me so much of Romeo. I was at work when I was watching it...I got so depressed. I thought, if this guy likes me, why haven't I heard from him in almost TWO MONTHS?! Am I crazy to think if someone likes me, they would email me??? So I sent him THE email...I asked what we were. (I don't want to be over-reacting.) But I think I also told him this didn't seem to be working. Maybe sometime in the future when we're not so far away and it's not so difficult to keep in touch. I keep having trouble reconciling the two sides of him...I'm not the only one. My friend Vera who met him totally agrees with me. When he's around or even just emailing me, he's so loving. He's sweet and it's like he's the best thing to have happened to my life. That's the side I miss. But then there's the side that never talks to me. Unfortunately, that side is more frequent. We've been dating about six months and 3 of those were without any communication from him. And this is giving me an ulcer. I miss him so much, but I'm trying to remind myself that he's been an ass and I deserve better. I should be happy, so why aren't I? Why hasn't this eased my pain? Aside from the infrequent moments where I feel in charge of my life again... But how can anyone be so sweet at times and yet so negligent and so uncaring? If you're reading this Romeo, TALK to me! Even if the answers aren't happy ones, I want to know. I need some kind of understanding of what happened. For now, I'm trying to remember that we all have to make choices and and maybe I'm better off having finally taken charge of my love life and therefore I have to accept the consequences of my decision, whatever they may be.

A thought just came to me...I hope he didn't not email me because he wanted to give me the chance to fall for some girl... It's not totally outrageous...over vacation, he mentioned that I was going to go back to Virginia and fall for some girl. No, I'm giving him excuses again...if he's got them, he better give them. I'm not playing the same game I did last summer after the asshole bf dumped me.

How do I do this to myself? I swear on a stack of bibles, I'm growing old with a houseful of cats. They're so much more dependable than humans (myself included)!