Walls

Friday, November 9, 2001

It just occured to me why things have gotten so frustrating for me lately with my girlfriend...I feel like she's refusing to let me in, that she's holding me at a distance. Here I am, opening myself up, making myself vulnerable, and too often, I feel like it's not being reciprocated, which might explain why we don't have this problem when we're together. It's harder fo her to hide then, but online or on the phone, she's got a safety wall up that she won't let me breach.

And while I've got the lights on and the pen uncapped, I went to choir practice tonight and got to experience the depression again. It's just too hard sometimes. They don't know who I truly am, plus they are all so convinced that I'm this perpetually wacky, cheerful girl. They feel like the group epitome of everyone who misunderstands me. They've seen me grow up, which doesn't help, so they can't fathom that I've changed.

I can't continue to be in the choir. I'm going to stay as a Pointsettia for now. But if my girlfriend can't come to the choir party with me, then my choir career is over. That will be my once chance to show them part of the real me. I don't mean to make it sound like my religious future rests on one party or on my girlfriend's shoulders. It's simply that that party is my last chance to be me. If I can't be me, then I can't be in the choir. Of course, I have yet to see if I can even get the time off from work...

In the meantime, I need to find some kind of community of people my age who are like me. Gay perhaps? At least, people who are in their post-college 20's. (Another problem with my church--I'm too young to be an adult in their eyes and too old to be a kid with the rest of the church youth. Maybe that group for 20-somethings in Natick has changed meeting times. God knows, I need something.

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