Analysis

I've been trying to overhaul so much of my life lately that I'm so confused now. I've been reading books on how to organize yourself, trying to make myself happier, not depressed, physically healthy, and work on my relationship. And they're starting to run into each other like when water falls on a picture and the colors bleed.

I've been analyzing my life, past and present. I'm trying to figure out why or rather how I got to this place. For instance, these organizing books on "Messies" talk a lot about taking control of your life and deciding to change. This brings my girlfriend to mind. She seems to have such will power at times and not at others. In fact, she sounds a lot like me at times, just with a little more follow-through than me. Even when she feels like she's failing, she reminds me of me. But then again, maybe I'm projecting, either her onto me, or me onto her. Am I recovering false memories, so to speak, about my college days? I chatted with Sarah last night (well, Friday really) and asked about our stress levels and the benefits of counseling.

Another factor or thing I'm projecting is what I see on TV, specifically Buffy, Angel, and The American President. I keep seeing flashes of behavior or attitudes in these things that I relate to the two of us.

Anyway, back to my original intent. The things I'm seeing, did they truly exist before as I see them now, or are they seeming to exist now because of what I've read and watched. That doesn't translate well from my confused brain to paper. What hatched first, the chicken or the egg? The Messie book talks about being depressed and letting your house slide into unclean disaster as a result, but also the disaster area affect further perpetuating one's depression. So everytime I think I have an understanding of how I got here, is that truly the reason or am I crossing wires? I'm tired, so tired.

The other thing weighing heavily on my mind is the idea of taking a break. We've been talking about it and what I fear most is me and my irrationality. I'm afraid, so afraid, that it'll go as follows:

We officially take a break, try to be just friends for awhile, it's uncomfortable because I love her and...actually, that it'll play play out like my one-sided crushes on guys in high school.

I'd get to the point where I knew my crush or adoration had to end. But I'd fight myself on it, I think. It'd be so back and forth, between wishing we could be together and happy and I don't know, wanting to be independednt and beyond it. Up and down like a damn seesaw. I'd constantly be reading into his every action (I use the singular male pronoun because in high school, it wa always a guy, one guy who I'd be fixated on, and always it took the same course.) And either seeing some kind of frustration and agony, some deeper meaning, whether it be positive and negative. So when it was all over, I'd remember the melodrama and cringe. That's how all my "relationships" ended.

I'm afraid that's how the two of us will end. Even though, we're in a completely different situation--though not entirely. I'm getting stuck on the part where I like her, but we don't have a relationship. That's where my train track gets jumped everytime. So I'm terrified to willingly put myself there again.

ARGH!!!!!!!

Many hours later...

I need to be more succinct. These moments of clarity only seem to come in the car while I'm driving or at night in the dark. By the time I can write, I can't think. :-( But here are the basics right now...

If we take a break, I don't want it to be a complete halt to our feelings for each other.

I don't want to have to stop loving you.

I don't want to have to be "over" you.