So you have two options....the short version and the long version. I want to leave the long version in here for people, who like me, needed all the help I could get, but I realize the rest of you may not have the time to read my novel of a story, so....
The Short Version
So I thought I was straight all through high school, mostly because I thought one either liked boys or girls, not both. I liked boys so I didn't think there were any other options.
Having ignored the many signs all my life, I continued to ignore the new signs in college, though it was much more difficult. But since I can rationalize anything, it wasn't too hard. (I could convince myself that the sky had pink and purple polka dots, if need be!) But between the end of my freshman year and the beginning of my sophomore year, I got a crush on this girl a year ahead of me. I was SO confused. I'd began using the internet as a support group. I did get over the girl, mostly because she had a girlfriend, so I gave up.
Then I got a crush on a first-year! And I had the same emotions. But I had such a problem even saying the b-word, let alone calling myself gay. So, I finally just said to myself, it doesn't matter what group I fall into. I have feelings for this girl. Maybe it will never happen again and maybe it will. Oh well. Meanwhile, I joined Bridges, our campus gay group, and if people asked me what I was, I was finally able to tell them I was bisexual.
There you go, that's the short version. Read the long version too someday...
The Long Version
When did I begin questioning myself? I am not totally sure when all this began, but I know it didn't occur until after I graduated from high school. I remember thinking, "If I were lesbian, who would I find attractive?" I thought of someone and I wondered what it would be like to "experiment". One always hears about teenagers experimenting or playing doctor one day when no one's around. I've never had this chance! (I'd also never played spin-the-bottle until Junior year of college and gone skinny dipping until Senior year, so you can probably see the trend in my life.) In any case, I put this out of my mind and went off to college. But it was still sort of there.
When I talked to a friend who mentioned briefly going through the questioning, but she had realized she was not lesbian. This caused me to start thinking again. I've also come to realize that the reason I began watching "Silk Stalkings" was because I saw two lesbians and unfortunately had just missed their sex scene, so I kept watching the show in the hopes that I'd finally see the rerun. Another time, I watched MTV's Sex in the 90's VII where this girl described how she discovered she was bisexual. This was maybe my third time I'd ever even heard the word, but I was entranced. I wanted to be bisexual too...it felt so right which really confused me. All these things, I then blocked.
Sometime during first semester freshman year, my RA arranged a floor program about homosexuality. A friend of hers talked to us, answered our questions, and also said if we needed to talk to someone, she was there. However, she did say that while we might think we were lesbian, we probably weren't. (Disclaimer: This is only what I remember hearing, so I probably misinterpreted what she said. But also, I've given similar reassurances to people who needed to hear that the truth that just because you consider the possibilities doesn't mean that you're gay.) After hearing this, I thought for a while and decided I was still very heterosexual. So, life went on.
Second semester, a rugby team was formed. I was one of five or six heterosexuals on the team--everyone else was lesbian or bisexual. Now sometime during March or April, I finally saw most of the completely unedited Tales of the City. One of the scenes I saw for the first time was between Michael and Jon. They kiss each other goodnight and it's not a wimpy kiss...but it's certainly not pornographic. It's beautiful and sexy and such an expression of love. Needless to say, it turned me on. And although it was between two men, it was still a gay kiss and something one doesn't often see. I wanted to try my own gay kiss, with another woman.
Freshman year, I was at the end-of-the-year rugby party. While I was there, several ruggers were asking me what I was. The best I could do was to say that I didn't know, but I definitely liked guys and that those manly parts turned me on, so women were lacking something. Interestingly enough, I hadn't even been questioning myself too much at this point in time, because of the reasoning I told those women. All this made me think, but once again, I ignored it and said to myself, how ridiculous. I went home for the summer.
While at home, I did have an interesting conversation with a group of friends on sexuality. (Disclaimer: Here is where I go off on a tangent of sociological assumptions, so please bear with me) Someone had said to one of them that he thought all women were bisexual. I could buy that and I also understood why it would be easier for women to be bisexual than men. Sex for men is more of an action that you do to someone else. Whereas sex for women is something that is done to them. So, for a man to suddenly "do it" to a completely different type of person is at the very least, weird for them. But what's the difference for a women? Sure, with another woman, you won't feel a "hard on", but that's not the most important aspect for women. We love foreplay. What does it matter whether it's a man or a woman doing the "play"? And mind you, when I had this discussion, I still was blocking all my questions and some pretty heavy emotions for a girl back at school.
Meanwhile (it was about August now), my family had finally gotten hooked up to the internet and I discovered chat rooms. I started out in the pick-up rooms and the "regular" romance rooms. Then one night, I went into a user-created room for bi and bi-curious women. I started going in there regularly. I felt accepted and I was able to ask questions without revealing my true identity.
Then on the way back down to college, I again started thinking about one of the women down here. And not just thinking of. I had an incredible urge to kiss her in the elevator and be close to her. This really confused me. I tried writing in my journal, but I couldn't even write that I might be bisexual without thinking it was too weird to be true. I went on-line a lot and asked my online friends a lot of questions.
Well, I got over the original woman and was happily single, even if unsure about myself. And then I fell for a second woman. So, I finally just said to myself, it doesn't matter what group I fall into. I have feelings for this girl. Maybe it will never happen again and maybe it will. Oh well.
I am now totally accepting of being bisexual. One problem is that if I do go into politics like I wanted to at one time, this could be used against me. It's not that I'm ashamed to be bisexual. The problem is that I don't think my love life should interfere with my desire to do good. But something like this will. Sure, I could move to San Francisco, but I'd still be a freak because I'm not lesbian...(God forbid, I like men and women). But anyway, everywhere else people will suddenly make unfair judgments about me that will cloud the real issues.
So what's in the future? I'm really not sure...
What has happened since?
Read my online journal to find out...
