D.
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Where is that last vestige? |
However, on almost the same day across the Pond, another vestige of Marxism was found in the Anglican Church, not clinging to its clerical robes but front and center as part of its Easter advertising campaign. The
 |  D. |
Radicaler than thou? Separated at birth: Jesus, Che |
Still, church conservatives are eager to continue their game of "pin the last vestige of Marxism" on any suspect target they can find. No seminary theologian is off limits. In any case, "last vestiges" seem to abound, concentrated mostly in seminaries and other institutions of higher learning.
"It's always these intellectuals who are Marxist," said Dr. Bill Seymor, Ph.D., moderator of Christians for Capitalist Greed and Corporate Welfare (CCGCW). "I guess Henry Hyde was right when he said during the Impeachment trial, `An intellectual is someone who is educated beyond their intelligence.'"
Dr. Seymor went on to express his outrage over the poster. "The audacity, comparing Jesus to a revolutionary who championed the cause of the poor and oppressed. As if Jesus meant for his disciples to share their worldly possessions or something. I don't think so. What kind of American would want a thing like that?"
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Falwell outs Tinky Winky, story by BBC.
Ms. Liona Afghan, chair of the NNPCW task force, was quick to take control of the situation. "Is Ms. Nudist's presence compromising your resolve to uphold Scripture and the Constitution against the forces of ReImagining God theology, lesbianism and premarital sex, and opposition to the denomination's Constitutional standard requiring chastity in singleness and fidelity in marriage for ministers, elders and deacons?" she asked the somewhat shaken moderator.
"Well, Liona," replied Dr. Proctor, "that depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is. I think young women like Ms. Nudist need a forum to share their stories, pain and experiences. I don't think anything good is accomplished by reporting bad things. I want to give her a fresh start. I am confident that no link can be made between her involvement in this trial and the hard core pornography being shown at the Gentleman's Club across the street from her office."
Vice Moderator, Rev. Trim D. Meat, agreed, but added, "I believe we should keep such women around, whenever possible. However, we need to have some boundaries. When the river flows left, she needs to swing right, and when the river flows right, she needs to swing left. And please, no squirt guns."
A relieved Dr. Proctor replied, "I can agree to that. In fact, it is just this type of unity we need in our denomination. We should just say we evaluated the situation and find parts of it to be more comparable to Ruth's seduction of Boaz on the threshing room floor than to Mary's Immaculate Conception in a sanctified Bethlehem stable. But I don't think we need to document it. What's the point of that?"
Without support from other committee members, Ms. Afghan withered and fell silent.
Ms Nudist's next move: delivering pizza while wearing a hula skirt sporting the last vestige to Dr. Proctor while he decides who to appoint as moderator of the General Assembly committee that will act on the task force's recommendation.
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Church leaders condemn bisexual sea anemone, story byThe Onion.
 D.
Layman Online |
The five-page story by unnamed Layman staffers maligns gay activists in the Presbyterian Church (USA), mildly criticizes and quotes out of context Girlfriends Magazine, a gay publication, for typographical errors and for reporting other Presbyterian's criticisms of The Presbyterian Layman for its shoddy reporting.
The villain of the article is Lesbian Evangelist Jane Adams Spahr, a Presbyterian Clergyperson who emerged as a movement leader after her call at the Downtown Presbyterian Church, Rochester, was unjustly denied by the General Assembly Permanent Judicial Commission in 1992. The Layman falsely described her as "defrocked" though she remains a minister of word and sacrament in the PCUSA.
The magazine quoted the magazine quoting Spahr, who works as an evangelist to promote gay activism and inclusion, as saying, "It's certainly true that I'm an avowed homosexual, but I am not a practicing one. I've got it down cold."
The article quoted the article quoting "one critic (who asked not to be identified)" as saying that The Presbyterian Layman is a.k.a. "the Presbyterians' National Enquirer."
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 D. | by Driver Parkinson, Gayman staff writer |
The following is from a collection entitled Hymns In the Right published last
year by Fullminster/Hard Knox Press. It appears to be a fight song of sorts,
perverting, as only the late extremist hymnwriter Mrs. Roberta Hagar Crosbie
could, one of the greatest hymns from the famous homosexual Sir Arthur
Sullivan, "Onward Christian Soldiers." It pains this reporter to bring you
such a twisted attempt at hymnody. I can still see former moderator Mason leaving the General Assembly to this grand, gay tune. (Now, that woman can leave a room! Let us pray for her to do so at every given opportunity.)
Jerry van der Jingleheimerschmidt of Presbyterians: Yesterday, Today and Forever confirms that the late Mrs. Crosbie took her own life after her motion to remove the word "Lay" from the title of the Presbyterian Layman died in committee. The questionably titled Presbyterian Layman is the sick attempt at satire that continues to target The Presbyterian Gayman.
Here are the portions of Mrs. Crosbie's hymn that are printable:
Onward Christian moralists, rising to the fore,
"Tell us you are gay, 'cause that means you're a whore.
Secrecy's a virtue; Tell not who you are:
Homo-, het'ro-, bi-, transgendered - we will travel far."
Refrain:
Presbyterian Moralists, at your bedroom door,
With the Book of Order going on before.
In a bedroom - maybe yours - we will want to know:
"Do you know a Dor'thy? Maybe a To-to?
Claim that you are celibate, and we'll pass your house.
Just don't tell the truth if you've remodeled with your 'spouse.'"
Refrain, please refrain.
If they try rebuttal, we will not give in,
We will cloud this issue, lie until we win:
"They just want our children, mini-vans and friends,
Pass the Book of Order, and I'll show you all their sins."
We will not refrain.
Ere they cause division, drive them all away,
But that's what they get for choosing to be gay.
So we'll cry a river, "Look at us be sad.
We are better than the homos, and that's too damn bad!"
Refrain already.
Ordination's guarded, God is safe at last,
So what if "renewal" means "the good ol' past"?
It's all in the scriptures, verses that we choose,
Brethren, lighten up, it's only homos we abuse!
Semper refrainandum.
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Rev. Sonny Sonnenbrenner of Long Island declared at the press conference, "I'm cuckoo for COCU Puffs," the proposed name of the new cereal.
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| COCU symbol is cereal's base, plus | cross, | bible, | praying hands, | comm- union cup and | church marsh- mallow treats |
The cereal will consist of puffed corn shaped in the form of the COCU symbol, with brightly colored marshmallow treats in the shape of bibles, praying hands, chalices, churches, and crosses.
The venture brings to COCU a new avenue for inviting the participation of other denominations. For example, a mascot must be designed to advertise the cereal to children (and to launch other marketing ventures such as stuffed toys and t-shirts).
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| Goliath: future COCU Puffs Spokesdog? |
Sonnenbrenner said he hopes that Goliath, Art Clokey's claymation dog from the popular 60s and 70s children's series "Davey and Goliath" would be the COCU Puffs mascot. However, the Lutheran Church would need to join COCU to resurrect Goliath for this purpose. "This is the perfect opportunity to broaden COCU's membership," said Sonnenbrenner, who added that he intends to solicit Lutheran involvement in COCU, emphasizing the benefits to that denomination.
For example, the publicity surrounding the breakfast cereal's release could be used to promote a new series of "Davey and Goliath" episodes for a new generation of fans. The show's time-tested ecumenical appeal would be reinforced with widespread distribution of the cereal, which may even reach homes with unchurched children.
It is hoped that the success of the venture will lead to future collaborative projects, such as a 9-denominational, 9-grain communion bread.
How did the group decide on the project? According to Sonnenbrenner, once the group stopped focusing on the differences that divide them, they recognized some true commonalities -- a desire to bring Christianity into homes and families. "And, after all, everyone eats breakfast cereal," said Sonnenbrenner. "Why not bring a celebration of Christian Unity to the most important meal of the day?"
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Ms. Linda Fuller, currently employed as an intern with Presbyterians for the International Graceful Submission Of Women (PIGSOW), served as the keynote speaker for the NNPCW "Come to Jesus Week" sponsored by Andrea Scotson Women's College, her alma mater.
"Whooooooooooooooo's the best?!" she shouted, while pointing to the forty-foot tall portrait of Christ in all his glory, complete with flowing blonde hair, deep bronze tan, and newly whitened teeth.
"J - E - S - U - S!" the crowd chanted, as some of the women swooned into the arms of the lord of their household.
"I just can't help myself," one young woman sighed. "The saving, healing and restoring power of Jesus Christ is just too much for a desolate sinner like me to comprehend." Not one to wallow in victimization, however, she quickly rejoined her comrades in chanting:
"Jesus, Jesus, he's our man!/ He's our choice to fight Satan!/
Jesus, Jesus, he's our God!/ We don't believe that he's a fraud!"
Mrs. Slimy Drool, a minister's wife and president of Presbyterians Against Prostitution Sending Messages of Evangelism And Redemption (PAP SMEAR), was present at the Jesus Rally. "I am so delighted to see these young women repenting of advocating 1) ReImagining God theologies, 2) sexual relationships outside the covenant of marriage and 3) overturning and defying the denomination's biblical and constitutional ordination standards." she glowed. "This is just the type of submission to the Scriptures that PAP SMEAR is promoting worldwide."
By the end of the rally, more than half the women enrolled in Andrea Scotson Women's College had registered as members of NNPCW. "I've wasted so much time believing that I could find my self worth in just being a woman, having sex outside of marriage or being involved in a gay relationship, but now I see that these are only temporary fixes, bandages on a heart that needs a transplant," burst Mussda Kurst, a tearful young freshman at Andrea Scotson. "Now I now that I must pluck out my lustful eye in service to the Lord Jesus Christ--that following Him is the only path to discovering my self-worth."
Ms. Kurst was quickly embraced by Ms. Fuller. "While there may be legal liability intrinsic in our sponsorship of untrained, unsupervised young college students witnessing to the saving, healing and renewing work of Jesus Christ in these situations, we must strand true to the gospel and hold Mussda accountable without compromise or distraction to Jesus Christ," Ms. Fuller declared. "An accountability that sets boundaries within which we can be truly free to grow, discover and heal."
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D.Thank you for your article in the most recent issue the Gayman about Two by Two, PCUSA's first and only ex-straight ministry ("Ex-Straight Ministry Brings Hope to Hets", Gayman Volume 1 Issue 1). Two by Two changed my life, and I wanted to share my story.
I can not say for sure what made me first believe I was heterosexual. Perhaps it was the ongoing fulminations of those born-again preachers - pious, sincere men like Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert - that homosexuality contravened the law of God. I was never abused sexually as a child, but I did receive an enormous amount of psychological pressure from at least six million different individuals - men, women and child molesters -- to conform to a heterosexual lifestyle.
I lived for about five years in the heterosexual lifestyle. I had several girlfriends, but all were very short-term. Every time I picked up a woman in a bar, I would find she was only interested in a one-night stand. Clearly, we didn't have enough in common. The relationships failed because they were women and I was a man, and God didn't intend for me to be in a relationship with someone so obviously different from me. I still see so many of my heterosexual friends get into failed, six-month, abusive, dysfunctional, and unpremeditatedly progenitive relationships, interrupted by bouts of promiscuity, and wonder if really anybody is suited to the heterosexual lifestyle.
I finally realised that the heterosexual life is a dead-end. I was able to come into contact with Two by Two, which helped me come to terms with the destructive fantasy of heterosexuality which was ruining my life. I met many gay and lesbian couples whose committed, monogamous relationships extended 20 years (or longer), and they have proven excellent role-models for my current relationship, now reaching its second year.
Of course, I am deeply disturbed by the ongoing heterosexualisation of America. Approximately 2 million straight people work in journalism, and thereby control the media. 99.99 percent of all characters in television, movies and books are straight. I call upon our brave, righteous politicians to put fornication laws back on the books, and have the courage to enforce them.
Thank you for the opportunity to share my story.
Sincerely,
Michael L.
Tokyo, Japan
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A CHORUS:
Super-moral-legalistic-expiation-itis!
You know it’s just as mean an ailment As appendicitis;
Pills and surgery affect it less than Junk detritus,
Super-moral-legalistic-expiation-itis!
INTERLUDE:
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
VERSE 1:
When I was at G A last year, A thought occurred to me,
A lot of right wing folk were talking Quite judgmentally.
A diagnosis might help free them Of their malady;
The first step is to name their ill In order to be free.
CHORUS 1:
Super-moral-legalistic-expiation-itis!
Though we know with all their might Those ill will try to fight us,
Working to cure this disease will certainly unite us!
Super-moral-legalistic-expiation-itis!
INTERLUDE (as above)
VERSE 2:
Amendment A, Amendment B, A mean and vicious game,
A lot of finger pointing and A lot of nasty blame.
"Exclusive knowledge of God’s will" The ailing people claim.
We’d better take our medicine Or we’ll end up the same.
CHORUS 2:
Super-moral-legalistic-expiation-itis!
Although the sick ones seem to feel that God should surely smite us,
Their finger pointing acts like an attack of colon-itis.
Super-moral-legalistic-expiation-itis!
INTERLUDE (as above)
VERSE 3:
We won’t go unprotected, no, Not catch THIS dread disease.
Our goal is to give THEM relief And then a life of ease,
An end to their hypocrisy And all their hits-and-run.
We’ll help them learn compassion now So they can have some fun.
CHORUS 3:
Super-moral-legalistic-expiation-itis!
You know it’s just as mean an ailment As appendicitis;
Cure it, friends, so ne’er again will We have it to blight us:
Super-moral-legalistic-expiation-itis!
- new words by Beth Gregg (daughter) and John Gregg (dad)
Sung for the first time at the June 1998 PLGC Celebration
permission is hereby granted for use, so long as the authors are given credit.
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