Beloit holds an annual modern dance performance called Chelonia. I'd like to consider myself a patron of the arts, even though I don't like much modern dance. Anyhow, during a painfully long and esoteric piece at the last Chelonia, I came up with a grading scale that lets you, the audience member, assess just how modern your modern dance performance is.

1.) The music is offbeat/obscure/sound effects and noises.
2.) Everyone on stage is doing the same thing.
3.) Everyone on stage is doing the same thing except for one or two people who are doing their own thing.
4.) Dancers pick up and move or reposition other dancers.
5.) The dancers' movements cycle around so they alternate between moving as a group and doing their own things/dancers run around the stage and gather others as they go.
6.) Dancers crawl/roll around on the ground.
7.) Dancers focus on a specific body part.
8.) The choreography is interspersed with episodes in which the dancers completely spazz out.
9.) The dance piece is self important.
10.) The piece you are watching needs to be about five minutes shorter than it actually is.