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Enishi's Plan to Kill Kenshin
- 1.) Gather group of weird-looking, scary recruits: Marylin Manson, Spiderman, Darth Maul, Hei Shin, Four Gods, etc.(12)
- 2.) Get recruits to dress up in scary outfits (note: see above) and terrorize Kenshin & Co. at Kamiya Dojo in several repeated attacks over a three week period.
- 3.) In confusion, kidnap Kaoru and replace her with a dummy. No one will suspect a thing, and life in the Dojo will continue as normal.
- 4.) Kaoru dummy is actually an android with a built-in bomb that is set to go off when everyone is sitting down to breakfast.
- 5.) Dummy goes off, killing the real Kaoru (who was in the basement the whole time), and freeing Yahiko from his life of servitude. (Note: Yahiko is spared so that he will grow up and become 15; Sanosuke, out whoring all night, was not killed in the blast but instead arrested for vagrancy where Kenshin later has to go and bail him out after Sanosuke and Chou get into a big fight; no one is saddened by the death of Kaoru, except maybe Kenshin because he's a loser and no longer battousai, meaning that no one else wants to sleep with him.)
- 6.) Kenshin is forced into a showdown with me [Enishi Yukishiro] and made to gather his entourage and travel to my island where they are forced to battle my Triskelion drill thralls.(13) (Note: this will go into effect only if Kenshin & Co. [sans Kaoru] are successfully able to reach the island, provided they avoid taking the S. S. Minnow's three-hour tour.)
- [Neesan's #7]~~~Enishi becomes a loser and Kenshin goes to make fun of him and they have a fight. Enishi makes Kenshin cry by cross dressing and looking very much like Tomoe. Then they both become anorexic, and they get hospitalized in the Magic Bus Hospital.(8)
- 7.) Kenshin & Co. arrive at the island, but when they're greeted by Ricardo Montalban and Tattoo, they realize they're on the wrong island.(11) Before they get a chance to leave, Yahiko gets drunk, runs amok, and jumps into the Guardian of Forever.(6) Kenshin & Co. have to travel back in time to stop a deranged Yahiko from preventing snack meats from being invented. Once that disaster is averted, they get back on track and book it to my island (because they're really late).
- 8.) I challenge Kenshin to beat me at Mortal Kombat (note: I prevail because I am a rich 24-year-old still hip to the changing trends—like killing brothers-in-law, while Kenshin is a lame 29-year-old who lives in a seldom-visited, out-of-the-way Dojo in Tokyo.)
- 9.) Kenshin challenges me to Connect Four; he wins.
- 10.) I challenge him to Talking Battleship; tie.
- 11.) Kenshin challenges me to Trivial Pursuit; I win.
- 12.) The challenges go long into the night (note: around 10:00, Sanosuke gets really drunk and picks a fight with Aoshi; Aoshi wins, Sanosuke passes out on the couch. The pizza guy gets there at 11:00, and we take a break to watch "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery," and Yahiko and Hei Shin are quoting lines the rest of the night.)
- 13.) We tally up the points, and they come to a tie. The tie-breaker is decided to be a scavenger hunt from a list compiled but Hei Shin; the teams: my Jinchuu Crew vs. Kenshingumi. (Note: due to Saitoh and Aoshi's poor and unenthusiastic attitudes, the Kenshingumi loses big time. Saitoh and Aoshi are not displeased.)
- 14.) With the battle over and my Jinchuu complete, I hold a Kegger party to celebrate. (Note: the Kenshingumi, so disgusted by Kenshin's pitiful butt-kicking—especially Saitoh and Aoshi—decide to leave Kenshin in the dust and join with me, and since I'm fairly indifferent to them, I don't mind.) Kenshin changes him name to Tim and moves to Osaka.
- End Note: What have we learned from this experience? Is it that snack meat could be, at any moment, wiped from the face of the earth by the escapades of one meddling kid? Is John the walrus, or IS it really Paul? Or is it that Evil, properly funded and skillfully presented, really is the root of all money?—or do I have that backwards? Anyways, the moral of the story is to never remove the little tag on your mattress, or you'll end up like ole' Shinta an' die in the gutter. Man, not even Hiko could save his sorry ass.
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