The Warped Mirror
Under The Covers
Depression
Erotic Whispers
Leave me a Note
The Warped Mirror
Hello! My name is Silverill, welcome to my "Body Image" page. I am dedicating this page to all the men and women in our society who look in the mirror, and only manage to see the fat, the weak, and the ugly. May we all find peace within ourselves someday.
"and I thought I wouldn't have to be
with you
a magazine"
-Tori Amos, from "Hey Jupiter" on the "Boys for Pele" album
. . . My Fat Story
As a child, I was the thin one, the skinny one. I still worried about getting fat from about age 8 on. By the time I was 11, I was already 5'2" and I weighted only 78 lbs. I slowly gained weight after that and though I was worried about my appearance, I became more and more dependant on food for comfort. By age 16 I weighed nearly 125 lbs. and during the next year I dieted on and off until I weighted only 106 lbs. for my high school graduation. At 18 years old, I left home for University and quickly gained a few pounds on the cafeteria food. When I came home that summer, I was 115 lbs. The next year I changed schools, and moved into an apartment. I was free to cook for myself and within four months I was up to 122 lbs. Over the next few years, I gained slowly and steadily and at my fattest I weighed about 150 lbs. I have started a diet, and an exercise program (about two weeks ago) and now I weigh about 140lbs, I am only 5'4". My goal is to weigh 130 by August.
This is very difficult for me to talk about. I am very self conscious about my appearance. I know that I don't look disgusting to most people and that I am not too much bigger than the average person, but for some reason, that doesn't console me. I feel angry, that I could let this happen to me. It depresses me, and I cry a lot. I hate what I see in the mirror, I try not to look. I find it hard to feel sexy. How could Chris (my partner) be turned on by all of this fat? I ask my self so many questions: Why me? Why now, while I am still young? Why do I eat like this, when I know that I am getting fatter and fatter? I have learned to hate myself so well.
Why....
So now you have an idea as to why I am creating this page. Perhaps it's a place for
me to let out all of the emotions and tensions that I have bottled up, concerning
my weight. Maybe I just want a safe place, where I can talk freely about the
way I see bodies and people. Maybe I just want to whine a little, and greive
for my old figure. Maybe not.
. . . Image is Everything!
I ask myself how a statement like that can come to exist in a world where everyone is unique looking, no matter how hard we try to conform. Why is it that our appearance means so much, when our outsides cannot compare to the complexities and the beauty of our insides? I feel it, though. I look at people and make assumptions, and judge them unfairly and all of those bad things. I catch myself staring at those people who dress badly (in my own opinion of course), or those who are too skinny or too fat. Chris says that I expect everyone to be MY ideal. Maybe that is true. But right now, what I want to know is why?The media? Is it the media that influences us so much? Are we that susceptible to the imagery displayed on our TV's and movie screens? I would like to say no, but I think that those things do affect us more than we may realize. However, if we claim that the media is totally responsible for our twisted views of bodies, we are fooling ourselves, just trying to escape the blame. For I believe that in the end, our own selves are the most responsible for our attitudes. It is more a matter of our insecurities, and our fears. We can be very self destructive beings.
Twisted. Distorted. We see the bodies of models, pale, thin and unhealthy. I have heard people say that they only like "real" people in "real life", and that the models and movie stars only represent fantasy (as well as only a fraction of our population). Yet, I hear the guys I know talk about fat girls, and never do you hear about someone who is attracted to a girl with "a bit of meat on her bones." I have even heard comments like "I like small breasts, cause those girls with big ones are usually fat!" It hurt to hear, as I have large breasts and I have a bit of meat on my bones these days.
Is there a solution . . .
I think that we have to stop looking for solutions that are outside of ourselves.
I know that on one level, hearing myself say that sounds crazy, or impossible, and yet on
another level, I know that it is true. We have to condition ourselves to resist outside
influences. We have to learn to trust and believe in ourself. We can change the way
we see the world, and our bodies. It's not easy, and yet it's simple. We just have to learn
to accept ourselves.
Example of the influence of the Media: Hercules, from Walt Disney.
The following message is one that I sent to Walt Disney Pictures concerning the character "Megara" from the new Hercules movie:
I just feel that I need to voice my concern for the next generation of young women in our society. I find your movies entertaining, but I can't help but be appalled by your female character "Megara". Her body is nothing more than a stick with breasts and hips. I believe that this image of a woman's body may have a negative impact on young girls, as well as perpetuate and sustain the numbers of women with body dismorphic syndrome, and other body image problems. It's not only your company, the media must learn that children are very impressionable (not use that knowledge only for increasing sales), and that society must work as a whole to give them a more positive, confident image of themselves. Media can be a powerful educational tool, but we should be using it to help our children, not to distort their images of reality, and of themselves.
I feel scarred by the images I have been exposed to all of my life. Perhaps then, I am just a bitter woman/feminist who can't deal with her own issues. However, I realize that we have to change inside of ourselves, accept ourselves. Society and the media makes it so much harder, flooding our lives with unrealistic and altered images of bodies. I feel that we should spare the next generation from this influence if we can at all. We need to show the children that they are beautiful just the way there are, no on ever really needs a nose job, or a boob job.
I know that the letter was not the most articulate that I could have sent, but I wrote it in a fit of passion, and my fingers rolled rather quickly, and uncontrollably over the keyboard. There is so much more that I could have said, that I should have said.
It isn't only the young women that we need be concerned for, but also the young men who look up to the likes Hercules, with his "buff" and also somewhat disproportionate body. We have to learn that men and boys are at risk for low self-esteem and other problems viewed traditionally as "girlie". We have to protect all our children.
When people complained about Barbie, and her unrealistic figure, I tried to shrug it off, saying that she was just a doll. However, as I struggle with my weight and my own body image, I think back to those days, playing with her and the others from Mattel. They did influence how I felt about myself. I remember how I noticed that my belly wasn't flat like Barbie's when I was only nine years old! I cried in the shower that day, looking at my naked body and hating what I saw. Today, I think about the younger kids and the images that they are getting from the media. It isn't just Disney, and Disney has done way more damage to young girls than just give them body image problems. But I don't have that kind of time, that kind of voice and I don't know if anyone will even hear this. I just know that I wrote the letter, got my opinion in there. For now, that is the best that I can do. When I have children of my own, I will talk openly about the fact that these bodies we see in the media aren't real, they are fantasy images that we don't have to compete with them to feel good about ourselves. I think that it will help just to talk about those facts.
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