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Depression
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Depression
Depression
Hello, and welcome to Silverill's page about "Depression". I am going to be very honest about how I feel, and what I have done to try and fix my situation and heal my suffering. If honesty scares you, turn back now.
Okay, ~ here ~ we ~ go !
Let me get this off my chest, quickly! Depression is a disease. It may have one or a combination of many causes, but it is still a disease. The cause/s may even be psychological (as opposed to biochemical, or hereditary), but that fact does not mean that depression is something that you make up in your head. Depression is real.
My Experience With Depression
I, myself, suffer from a combination of Anxiety Disorder (Agoraphobia), and Depression. I am not sure which came first, but they do seem to go hand in hand. I have panic attacks, where I find myself feeling trapped, and I start experiencing physical symptoms like: shortness of breath, dizziness, headache, nausea and quickening heart rate. Sometimes, I will have a full out asthma attack, or throw up while in a panicked frenzy. Once in a while, during an attack, I feel like I am going to go crazy, break down or suddenly become a vegetable. I am afraid of becoming numb, and I am afraid of feeling. I get disoriented easily while in the midst of the panic attack. The Anxiety is more than the panic, however. I worry almost to the point of obsession. I fear many common place situations, and find that my functionality is impaired by my worry and fears.
Still I try my best to control it. I was taking a drug, Zoloft, for awhile. It's a selective seratonin re-uptake inhibitor (SSRI). It helps to balance out your brain chemistry, and reduces panic and depression. These days I am in therapy, at the psych clinic at the University here. I guess I am doing Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy. I am not all that fond of it, but perhaps it will help in the end. The drugs are too expensive, while I have no health insurance.
Valentines Day.
Look at me,
Sabotage specialist.
Nothing can heal me.
I would tear my black heart right out
Even my mother,
We should be celebrating
Our love for one another.
Instead,
I am celebrating my dysfunction,
Alone.
With my self pity
And see how I loathe myself.
Alone, unwanted and in pain.
Tear streaked face,
Puffy eyes and runny nose.
Throat constricted and aching.
Tense.
Frustrated.
Greedy.
Needy.
Pulling and pushing him
At the same time.
I am damaged,
Beyond repair.
Of this foul chest of mine,
If only I could believe
That it would offer some
Relief from my
Torment.
My own mother,
Can no longer bear
The treachery of me.
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