Parking On the Driveway

This is a speech I gave at our local club. I printed each paragraph on a note card, then relied heavily on those cards as I presented the speech. I did not read the speech, but would read the card silently, look up, then say what was on the card. During the laughter that followed, I would look at the next card. You may use it as is, but I believe it will prove more useful as an idea generator.

If you like this work, please let me know -- like all creative souls, I really appreciate knowing someone was able to use my effort. You can also e-mail me an idea or two of your own. I'll add it to my page and give you proper credit.

Parking On the Driveway

English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet.

One in every seven human beings can speak it. More than half of the world's books and three-quarters of international mail are in English.

Of all the languages, English has the largest vocabulary -- perhaps as many as TWO MILLION words!

None-the-less, let's face it. English is a crazy language

There is no egg in eggplant, neither pine nor apples in pineapples, no ham in hamburger. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French Fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candy while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square, public bathrooms have no baths, and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.

Why does a writer write but a finger not fing, grocers don't groce, humdingers don't hum, and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth? One goose, two geese -- one moose, two meese? One index, two indices -- one kleenex, two kleenices? One mouse, two mice -- one house, two hice?

If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

The human race is not a race.

Why is it that when stars are out you can see them, but when a light is out you can't?

Why do I wind up my watch to start it but wind up my speech to finish it?

If PRO is the opposite of CON, is PROGRESS the opposite of CONGRESS?

Collective terms are words that describe a collection of objects We all know, for example, that cows come in herds and birds in flocks. But -- did you know that:

How do you pronounce GHOTI?

Thus, this word is pronounced "FISH."

Speaking of pronunciations, how do you pronounce the letters OUGH -- it could be BOUGH, ROUGH, THOROUGH, BOUGHT, SLOUGH (either "SLUFF" or "SLEW')

A palindrome is a phrase that is spelled the same forwards and backwards. Probably the most famous palindrome is "Madam, I'm Adam". Here are a few others:

Here's an interesting word for you: hippopotomonstrosesquipedalians (it means "long words")

America's longest place name: chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg (a lake in Massachusetts -- it means "you fish on the left side, I'll fish on the right side, no one fishes in the middle")

Finally, floccinaucinihilipilification (categorizing of something as worthless trivia! Does this speech qualify?)

This all leads up to the title of this speech, why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?

George R. Self
E-mail me at: grself@c2i2.com

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