Fun

Many people don't know that John Lennon didn't really die in 1980; the shooting was nothing more than a reverse publicity stunt because he was tired of answering questions from exceptionally stupid journalists [that's a bit redundant, isn't it?]. However, he's now making a comeback that promises to be bigger than Michael Jackson's, and is available for chat at the John Lennon Artificial Intelligence Project site. Click here to read the transcript of my chat with him.

Have you ever noticed that just one letter makes all the difference between laughter and slaughter? And that just one line makes all the difference between EAT and FAT? And why does the word "sanction" mean both to permit and to prohibit? Why is it a good thing to brush your teeth, brush your hair, or brush your cat, but it is not a good thing to have a "brush with death"? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Who coined the phrase "to coin a phrase"? Shouldn't "brevity" be a one-syllable word? Why is a boxing ring square? Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs? Why do people say they "worked like a dog", when most dogs just lay around all day? And if you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed? Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car? What's the opposite of "opposite"? Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? Why do we say redheaded but brown-haired? Where could a man buy a cap for his knee, or a key to lock of his hair? Could your eyes be called an academy because there are pupils there? In the crown of your head, what jewels are found? And who travels the bridge of your nose? Could you use the nails on the end of your toes to shingle the roof of your mouth? Could the crook of your elbow be sent to jail, just what did he do? How can you sharpen your shoulder blades? Could you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand, or beat on the drum of your ear? Can the calves on your legs eat the corn on your toes? If so, why grow corn on the ear? If I unravel something how do I ravel it back up? Have you ever seen a descript person?

Clinton Deploys Vowels To Bosnia

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O, and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say "Enough." It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavor."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of E's, will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one E. Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.

Scientists' RSVPs to an invitation to a ball

Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Darwin waited to see what evolved.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Edison thought it would be illuminating.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.
Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
Newton planned to drop in.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant, at the thought.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

If you took them to happy hour, would a...
computer whiz get pixil-ated?
short-order cook get fried?
aquarium owner get tanked?
boxer have too much punch?
laundromat user get three sheets to the wind?
gun dealer get loaded?
paratrooper take a drop too much?

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.

M R Ducks
M R Not
O S A R
C M Wangs?
L I B
M R Ducks

Tongue Twisters

Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.

A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!" Said the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Knapsack straps.

Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.

A bitter biting bittern bit a better brother bittern, and the bitter better bittern bit the bitter biter back. And the bitter bittern, bitten, by the better bitten bittern, said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"

Inchworms itching.

A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

The myth of Miss Muffet.

Mr. See owned a saw and Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!

Quick snapshots of some popular European languages

Spanish: Everything you say makes you sound hungry.

French: Every French sentence carries the implicit connotation that you want to have sex with the person you are talking to.

Russian: There are 33 different ways to say, "Comrade, pass the Vodka or I shoot you."

German: The German word for "hello" is "Echsteinlefahrtengruber".

The German translation for "Hey Hans, what say tomorrow morning we climb into our tanks and roll over Poland?" is "Hans, Poland, ja?"

"Age is a Funny Thing" from Bill's Punch Line

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"
"I'm 4 and half."

You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.

"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16."

You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!

But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong? What changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my dreams are gone...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there...Into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!

Age is a funny thing.

Quick Quips

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
-- Mike Kellen

Q: Which is the only English word that is always misspelled?
A: Misspelled.

Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

If a lawyer wears a suit to work, shouldn't an electrician wear shorts; a boxer, socks; a golfer, T-shirts; a psychiatrist, a slip; a painter, a coat; and a fireman, hose?

If fleet means swift, why is a large group of slow-moving ships called a fleet?

Why is a glare both a bright light and a dark look?

If amphibious means two lives, why doesnt amphitheater mean two theaters?

Why is it that "dancing on air" can refer to elation or execution?

Why do we say an alarm goes 'off' when it turns on?"

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?

Memo from the Chief of Staff

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shit), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

An excerpt from Slate Magazine's column, "Monday Morning Quarterback" demonstrates how far we have to go before computers catch up to human translators:

Reader Tim pointed out that "O Canada" was written in French and sounds better in that tongue than in English. He then clipped the French lyrics into the Babel Fish universal translator and asked for English, receiving this amusing rendition of the official:

O Canada! Ground of our experience,
Your face east girds glorious florets.
Because your arm can carry strongly,
It can carry the cross.
Your history is continuous-additional brilliant exploits.
And your value, from soaked faith,
Will protect our homes and our rights,
Will protect our homes and our rights.

The entire Dada movement never came up with anything as good as "Your face east girds glorious florets." TMQ will suggest a Beliefnet article on "soaked faith."

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Feel like I've...

milked this cow before: déjà moo
seen this strange animal before: déjà gnu
smelled this bad odor before: déjà phew
visited this menagerie before: déjà zoo
scared this person away before: déjà boo
read this mystery book before: déjà clue
been in this courtroom before: déjà sue
felt this bad before: déjà rue
felt this sad before: déjà blue
expanded this way before: déjà grew
seen this slime before: déjà goo
learned this stuff before: déjà knew
waited in line before: déjà queue
eaten this dinner before: déjà stew
pursued this person before: déjà woo
forgotten this your name before: déjà who
had this feeling of déjà vu before: déjà too
seen these twins before: déjà two
used this beer recipe before: déjà brew
been on this airplane before: déjà flew
came up with this innovation before: déjà new
fed these pigeons before: déjà coo
sketched this portrait before: déjà drew
ended this relationship before: déjà through
felt this ill before: déjà flu
sheared this sheep before: déjà ewe
munched on this gum ball before: déjà chew
sat through this sermon before: déjà pew
played in this wet grass before: déjà dew
admired this scenery before: déjà ooo
lost it under the bed before: déjà shoo
exposed the real facts before: déjà true

After much careful historical (hysterical?) research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother
Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt
Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes
Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle
Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store
Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia
U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white
Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois
Chica Gogh

The cousin who wasn't allowed to leave the country
M. Barr Gogh

His magician uncle
Wheredid D. Gogh

His Mexican cousin
Ahmee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's anglo half brother
Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach
Wellsfar Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt
Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco
Go Gogh

The bird lover uncle
Flamin Gogh

His nephew psycoanalyst
E. Gogh

The fruit loving cousin
Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking
Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew
Poh Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van
Winnie Bay Gogh

And so it goghs...

Learn Chinese in five minutes

He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka.
This is a tow away zone. No Pah King.
Is there a fugitive here? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Small horse. Tai Ni Po Ni.
Your price is too high! No Bai Nut Ding!
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?
I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni.
I thought you were on a diet? Wai Yu Mun Ching?
Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu.
They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum.
You know lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
I got this for free. Ai No Pei.
Stay out of sight. Lei Lo.
You have a good sense of humor! Ah Tink Yu Fa Ni!
That's not right. Sum Ting Wong.
See me right away. Kum Hai Nao.
He is stupid. Dum Gai.
You need a facelift. Chin Tu Fat.
You are not very bright. Yu So Dum.
Please stay a little longer. Wai Go Nau?
Your appointment isn't until tomorrow. Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Learn Hick in five minutes

Learn Cat in five minutes

miaow - Feed me.
meeow - Pet me.
mrooww - I love you.
miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
mrow - I feel like making noise.
rrrow-mawww - Please, the time has come to tidy the cat box.
rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
miaowmiaow - Play with me.
miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
miaow! miaow! - I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.

Learn Womanspeak in five minutes

Learn Ebonics in five minutes

Nice shoes mutha - I'll take the Air Jordans in size 10
Nice _____ mutha - I'll have one of those
Wuzup - Good morning, how are you?
Yo momma - Pardon me
Yo momma - I don't agree
Yo momma - Oh gosh
Yo momma - Excuse me dear
Yo momma - You also
I be lookin fo' work - Is this the welfare office?
Grab da wall - I am a police officer and I wish to speak with you
bitch - woman
Da bitch be hot - What an attractive young lady
Bitch done want me - I think she likes me
On yo knees bitch - Might we date?
Where da check - Has our gov't interest check arrived?
the Juice - the Juice
mutha - person
The bitch be knocked - She's expecting
Out da car now o you dead - Might I borrow your car?
gimmie - please
Fuck you mutha - You're welcome
Yo homes - Didn't we Prep together?
step to - Explain my point of view

Conversational example:
Nice car mutha. Gimmie o you ass be shot. Fuck you and yo momma too.
Might I borrow your automobile? Please? Thank you for your trouble.

Mid-term Math Exam

Ebonics Version

Directions: Make sho yo be putting yo name on the upper rite hand comer. Don't be axin' no dumbass questions an keep yo shifty mothafuckin' eyes on yo own sorryass papers.

Number 1 (25%)

Elon and Tyrell bot want to meet fo lunch. Elon's home be 5 mile north of Tyrell. If Elon leave at 10:30 bookin bout 3 mile per hour while Tyrell, who have one coolass bike, ain't not departin' till I 1:00 zoomin bout 20 mile per hour, what time be Elon axin' Tyrell for a bite of fiied chicken?

Number 2 (25%)

Yolanda, she be 11 year older than her daughter Carinda. Carinda have a bitch Carmel who haf her age. In how many years be Carmel haf as old as that uglyass ho Yolanda?

Number 3 (40%)

If Leroy axes Marvin fo 10 gram of 60% coke an Marvin ain't not got nothing but 8 gram of 80% and some ol 20% shit, how much of the cheap stuff be Marvin mixing up so Leroy can go off the hizzie?

Number 4 (10%)

Lenwood and Keshawn jus lifted one gross of basketballs offa Kmart. If studly Lenwood can dunk fo mo balls per minute than Keshawn, how long be these bros slammin and jammin fo they be needin suh mo balls to play wif?

Extra Credit (5 points)

Which number, A or B be bigger? Make sho you shows all yo work.

A. The total number of hos Wilt Chamberlain and B.B. King be sleeping wif.

B. The number of yard OJ done ran fo in his best season timeses the number a cuts he be putting in that nogood honkey bitch Nicole afta catchin her wif a guy what ain't got no goddam mothafuckin rights be ridin roun wif OJs car.

Leroy a graduate of Cleveland State University. For the final exam in his advanced English composition class, he had to put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what Leroy did.

1. HOTEL - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody.

2. RECTUM - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady rectum both.

3. DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.

4. FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.

5. CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that catacomb.

6. PENIS - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.

7. ISRAEL - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, Israel.

8. UNDERMINE - There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment undermine.

9. TRIPOLI - I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't find no Tripoli.

10. STAIN - My mother-in-law axed if I was stain for dinner again.

11. SELDOM - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I seldom.

12. ODYSSEY - I told my bro, you odyssey the tits on this hoe.

13. HORDE - My sister got into trouble because she horde around in school.

14. INCOME - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and income my wife.

15. HONOR - At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?

16. FORTIFY - I axed da hoe how much? And she say fortify.

Leroy graduated magna cum laude. Don't go to CSU. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

The following lines have been attributed to various sources, the most frequently-seen being high school students not fully understanding their recent lesson on metaphor. I find the story apocryphal, as I haven't met many high schoolers talented enough to write with such wit. In any case, they're rather funny.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 P.M. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "second tall man".

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers race across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Those last lines remind me somewhat of entries to the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a "competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels." Here are a few examples:

The countdown had stalled at T minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably--the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career.
--Martha Simpson, Glastonbury, Connecticut (1985 Winnerr)

Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit molding her body, which was as warm as the seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven--fueled by a single accelerant--and she needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road, a man like Alf Romeo.
--Rachel E. Sheeley, Williamsburg, Indiana (1988 Winnerr)

She wasn't really my type, a hard-looking but untalented reporter from the local cat box liner, but the first second that the third-rate representative of the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of old Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and, humming "The Twelfth of Never," I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth.
--Wm. W. "Buddy" Ocheltree, Port Townsend, Washington ((1993 Winner)

Rodney knew that he was going to die a horrible, screaming, unspeakable death, when he arrived on the bridge in a uniform that did not match the others, was referred to only as "yeoman" and was to be sent planetside with Captain Kirk and the regular away team.
--Larry Ward, Midland, MI (2001 Dishonorable Mention, SScience Fiction)

"Terry the Tarantula and Wendy the Wasp were frolicking and cavorting together in the Flowery Meadow, ( as they were the best of friends in all the Enchanted Forest of Miggly-Wompsly) when, all of a sudden, and with no warning whatsoever, Wendy accidentally stabbed Terry with her stinger, making her very sad for she knew that soon her poison would paralyze her friend and after a while her eggs would hatch inside him, and then her happy wriggling larva would slowly eat him alive, but Terry tried to smile and would have told her not to be sad as this was how the Circle of Life was continued, but he was in too much pain and, as I mentioned before, paralyzed."
--Delano Lopez, Washington, DC (2001 Winner, Children'ss Literature)

From The American Language, Third Edition, 1923, pp. 398-402. First printed as "Essay in American" in the Baltimore Evening Sun, Nov. 7, 1921. Reprinted in The American Language, Second Edition, 1921, pp. 388-392. From the preface thereof: "It must be obvious that more than one section of the original is quite unintelligible to the average American of the sort using the Common Speech. What would he make, for example, of a sentence such as this one: 'He has called together bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures'? Or of this: 'He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise'? Such Johnsonian periods are quite beyond his comprehension, and no doubt the fact is partly to blame for the neglect upon which the Declaration has fallen in recent years. When, during the Wilson-Palmer saturnalia of oppressions (1918-20), specialists in liberty began protesting that the Declaration plainly gave the people the right to alter the government under which they lived and even to abolish it altogether, they encountered the utmost incredulity. On more than one occasion, in fact, such an exegete was tarred and feathered by shocked members of the American Legion, even after the Declaration had been read to them. What ailed them was that they simply could not understand its Eighteenth Century English".

The Declaration of Independence in American

When things get so balled up that the people of a country got to cut loose from some other country, and go it on their own hook, without asking no permission from nobody, excepting maybe God Almighty, then they ought to let everybody know why they done it, so that everybody can see they are not trying to put nothing over on nobody.

All we got to say on this proposition is this: first, me and you is as good as anybody else, and maybe a damn sight better; second, nobody ain't got no right to take away none of our rights; third, every man has got a right to live, to come and go as he pleases, and to have a good time whichever way he pleases, so long as he don't interfere with nobody else. That any government that don't give a man them rights ain't worth a damn; also, people ought to choose the kind of government they want themselves, and nobody else ought to have no say in the matter. That whenever any government don't do this, then the people have got a right to give it the bum's rush and put in one that will take care of their interests. Of course, that don't mean having a revolution every day like them South American yellow-bellies, or every time some jobholder goes to work and does something he ain't got no business to do. It is better to stand a little graft, etc., than to have revolutions all the time, like them coons, and any man that wasn't an anarchist or one of them I.W.W.'s would say the same. But when things get so bad that a man ain't hardly got no rights at all anymore, but you might almost call him a slave, then everybody ought to get together and throw the grafters out, and put in new ones who won't carry on so high and steal so much, and watch them. This is the proposition the people of these Colonies is up against, and they have got tired of it, and won't stand it no more. The administration of the present King, George III, has been rotten from the start, and when anybody kicked about it he always tried to get away with it by strong-arm work. Here is some of the rough stuff he has pulled:

He vetoed bills in the Legislature that everybody was in favor of, and hardly nobody was against.

He wouldn't allow no law to be passed without it was first put up to him, and then he stuck it in his pocket and let on he forgot about it, and didn't pay attention to no kicks.

When people went to work and gone to him and asked him to put through a law about this or that, he gave them their choice: either they had to shut down the Legislature and let him pass it, or they couldn't have it at all.

He made the Legislature meet at one-horse tank-towns, so that hardly nobody could get there and most of the leaders would stay home and let him go to work and do things like he wanted.

He gave the Legislature the air, and sent the members home every time they stood up to him and gave him a call-down or bawled him out.

When a Legislature was busted up he wouldn't allow no new one to be elected, so that there wasn't anybody left to run things, but anybody could walk in and do whatever they pleased.

He tried to scare people outen moving into these States, and made it so hard for a wop or one of these here kikes to get his papers that he would rather stay home and not try it, and then, when he come in, he wouldn't let him have no land, so he either went home again or never come.

He monkeyed with the courts, and didn't hire enough judges to do the work, and so a person had to wait so long for his case to come up that he got sick of waiting, and went home, and so never got what was coming to him.

He got the judges under his thumb by turning them out when they done anything he didn't like, or by holding up their salaries, so that they had to knuckle down or not get no money.

He made a lot of new jobs, and gave them to loafers that nobody knew nothing about, and the poor people had to pay the bill, whether they could or not.

Without no war going on, he kept an army loafing around the country, no matter how much people kicked about it.

He let the army run things to suit theirself, and never paid no atten- tion whatsoever to nobody which didn't wear no uniform.

He let grafters run loose, from God knows where, and give them the say in everything, and let the put over such things as the following:

Making poor people board and lodge a bunch of soldiers they ain't got no use for, and don't want to see loafing around.

When the soldiers kill a man, framing it up so that they would get off.

Interfering with business.

Making us pay taxes without asking us whether we thought the things we had to pay taxes for was something that was worth paying taxes for or not.

When a man was arrested and asked for a jury trial, not letting him have no jury trial.

Chasing men out of the country, without being guilty of nothing, and trying them somewheres else for what they done here.

In countries that border on us, he put in bum governments, and then tried to spread them out, so that by and by they would take this country too, or make our own government as bum as they was.

He never paid no attention whatever to the Constitution, but he went to work and repealed laws that everybody was satisfied with and hardly nobody was against, and tried to fix the government so that he could do whatever he pleased.

He busted up the Legislatures and let on that he could do all the work better by himself.

Now he washes his hands of us and even goes to work and declares war on us, so we don't owe him nothing, and whatever authority he ever had he ain't got no more.

He has burned down towns, shot down people like dogs, and raised hell against us out on the oceans.

He hired whole regiments of Dutch, etc., to fight us, and told them they could have anything they wanted if they could take it away from us, and sicked these Dutch, etc., on us.

He grabbed our own people when he found them in ships on the ocean, and shoved guns into their hands, and made them fight against us, no matter how much they didn't want to.

He stirred up the Indians, and gave them arms and ammunition, and told them to go to it, and they have killed men, women and children, and don't care which.

Every time he has went to work and pulled any of these things, we have went to work and put in a kick, but every time we have went to work and put in a kick he has went to work and done it again. When a man keeps on handing out such rough stuff all the time, all you can say is that he ain't got no class and ain't fittin' to have no authority over people who have got any rights, and he ought to be kicked out.

When we complained to the English we didn't get no more satisfaction. Almost every day we gave them plenty of warning that the politicians over there was doing things to us that they didn't have no right to do. We kept on reminding them who we was, and what we was doing here, and how we come to come here. We asked them to get us a square deal, and told them that if this thing kept up we'd have to do something about it and maybe they wouldn't like it. But the more we talked, the more they didn't pay no attention to us. Therefore, if they ain't for us, they must be agin us, and we are ready to give them the fight of their lives, or to shake hands when it is over.

Therefore be it resolved, That we, the representatives of people of the United States of America, in Congress assembled, hereby declare as follows: That the United States, which was the United Colonies in former times, is now a free country, and ought to be; that we have throwed out the English King and don't want to have nothing to do with him no more, and are not taking no British orders no more; and that, being as we are now a free country, we can do anything that free countries can do, especially declare war, make peace, sign treaties, go into business, etc. And we swear on the Bible on this pro- position, one and all, and agree to stick to it no matter what happens, whether we win or lose, and whether we get away with it or get the worst of it, no matter whether we lose all our property by it or even get hung for it.

When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copyright before the copyright can be right.

Should Tom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.

A I R  M I D L A N D  O P E R A T I O N S

Operational Notice No. 999

Issue Date : 13.10.97
Expiry Date : 13.04.97

Issued by : Captain R C Nesbit
Position : ATC Translation Officer

Subject : Amendments to CAP 413 in Scottish FIR

Due to the recent inclement weather, there have been some instances of diversion to airports within the Scottish FIR. Needless to say passengers and aircrew alike have had extra difficulties on these occasions The following phraseology is applicable to aircrew having to visit Glasgow: (Translation: Rapast crappiwerra huzcozzed affue probs, wi'ra kites 'n punters gawnaff taera rangtoons. Djutae ra probswi ralingo witcha forrintipes huv, heerza guidetae folla furra flyboys :-)

Acknowledge - Djaunnerstawn pal?
Affirmative - Aye atsrite
Break - Hodoan
Correction - Awshit
How do you read? - Yegoatyer lugsoan?
I say again - Wanmertime pal
Negative - Noway pal
Over - Overinnat
Out - Ahmoaf
Pass your message - Geezrapatter
Read back - Whiddajist tellye?
Roger - Okay pal
Say again - Geezrapatter again
Speak slower - Geezitininglish
Stand by - Hodoanahmbizzy
That is correct - Spotoan / Atsragemme
Verify - Yerjokin
Wilco - Naeborra
Words twice - Acannaunnerstawn, geezrapatter twiceower
Cleared to land - Getoan ragrunn
Line up and hold - Hodoan ratar
Cleared take off - Oanyer bike / Oanyer wyepal

I trust the above will be of some assistance.

Captain R C Nesbit

Least Popular Personals Ad Abbreviations

LWM = "live with Mom"

BTD = "bore [you] to death"

PEM = "pathetic excuse for a man"

MMP = "married male predator"

TSZ = "twelve-step zealot"

CHF = "collect Hummel figures"

IPH = "impossibly poofy hair"

ACS = "Active Canker Sores"

PDP = "Pants Dropping President"

The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce its name changes and schedules for the upcoming season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free booterslater in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Securities-Traders-in-a-Declining-Market.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

Employee letters of recommendation

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.

Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" and the cat was so terrified that it ran for its life.

Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"

Q: What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
A: Bilingual.
Q: Right. What about someone who speaks three languages?
A: Trilingual.
Q: Okay. What about someone who speaks only one language?
A: Mmm... monolingual?
Q: No--American!

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted. And then swineherds will be disgruntled, farmers will be distracted, scarecrows will be distraught (de-strawed), and I guess sex workers will be laid off.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative is said to form a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian or Spanish, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad I'd placed. It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.

"I said 'ewes'," I argued.

"Pardon?" replied the operator.

"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."

The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale--USED."

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof...woof...woof...woof...woof...woof...woof...woof...woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "it would make no sense at all."

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

Language, like an artist's palette and brush or a musician's violin, can be used to create beauty. However, just as a paint brush can be used to paint graffiti or a violin used to play country music, language can be abused. The most abhorrent form of abuse language is usually subjected to is hyperinflation, quite common in business and government circles, giving rise to the saying, "Language is what separates man from the lower animals, and from bureaucrats." For an example of how these atrocities rob language of its beauty and power, take a look at this letter written by a HR executive to his love:

Dearest Ms. Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 3 p.m., I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and, depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you do not wish to take up this offer, if you could forward this letter to your sister.

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
Romeo

Another example, this one in legalese.

Season's Greetings from the legal department

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...

... and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

And how about a few old adages similarly abused:

It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.

It is similarly as ineffectual to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

It is highly inadvisable to use a calculator or other device, including fingers, to enumerate a certain avian species while those to be tallied are not yet in existence.

And why engineers don't write cookbooks:

Chocolate Chip Cookies

1.) 532.35 cm³ gluten
2.) 4.9 cm³ NaHCO₃
3.) 4.9 cm³ refined halite
4.) 236 cm³ partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm³ crystalline C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁
6.) 177.45 cm³ unrefined C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁
7.) 4.9 cm³ methyl ether of protocatechnic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein ovoids
9.) 473.2 cm³ theobroma cacao
10.) 236 cm³ de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft²-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1.

Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).

Heat in a 460°K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25°C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce its name changes and schedules for the upcoming season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free booterslater in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Securities-Traders-in-a-Declining-Market.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

The game of Telephone (AKA Chinese Whispers) at work

>From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director

Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the 
sun at nine o'clock. This is something which we cannot see 
everyday. So let the work-force line up outside, in their 
best clothes to watch it.

To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will 
personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining 
we will not be able to see it very well and in that case 
the work force should assemble in the canteen.




--------------------------------------------------------

>From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head

By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total 
eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock tomorrow morning. If it 
is raining we will not be able to see it in our best 
clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the 
sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is     
something we cannot see happening everyday.




--------------------------------------------------------

>From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads

By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the 
disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the 
canteen at nine o' clock tomorrow morning. The Managing 
Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is 
something which we cannot see happen everyday.



--------------------------------------------------------

>From : Section Heads
To : Foreman

If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which 
is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the 
Managing director in his best clothes, will disappear 
at nine o' clock.



--------------------------------------------------------

>From : Foreman
To : All Operators

Tomorrow morning at nine o' clock, the Managing Director 
will disappear. It's a pity that we can't see this happen 
everyday.

One of the reasons for the decay in content of the email chain above is the fact that even the simplest sentence can often be interpreted in several different ways. Consider, for example, a worker calling his boss and saying, "Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you."

THIS MEANS:
1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transformed into an alter ego (e.g., a professional wrestler).
6. He has been covered in plastic wrap.
7. He is in an isolation tank.
8. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake.

Signs on buses in different countries

These point out one of the lesser-considered difficulties of translation: social convention as reflected in language. A professional-quality translator cannot act like Babelfish and simply translate word-for-word from the source to the target language. They must be conversant in the patterns and customs of speech in the foreign country. What may be acceptable or customary in one language may be rude or offensive in another.

USA: "Don't speak to the bus driver."
Germany: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
England: "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
Italy: "Don't answer the driver."

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only."

Things you won't find in a Webster's New World style guide

Many, if not all, of these can be attributed to William Safire.

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid awkward, affected, annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
32. Do not put statements in the negative form.
33. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
34. A writer must not shift your point of view.
35. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
36. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
37. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
38. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
39. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
40. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
41. Always pick on the correct idiom.
42. The adverb always follows the verb.
43. Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
44. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn't.
45. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
46. Write all adverbial forms correct.
47. It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
48. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.
49. Don't string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death.
50. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"

Tom Swift

"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, dolefully.
"That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly.
"I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself.
"That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said, revolted.
"I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.
"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.
"That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said, straightforwardly.
"I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.
"I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.
"I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.
"Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with condescension.
"I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.
"That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked.
"I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed, remotely.
"I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.
"That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.

Like these enough to want to read a few hundred more? If so, download this text file.

Children's Christmas carol mondegreens

Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel, Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer.

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman / Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in Listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

Oxymorons

You will not find "military intelligence" on this list. I was MI. Also, oxymoron being a word that has been, for quite some time now, fully assimilated into English, its plural is quite properly "oxymorons", not the awkward and pseudolearned "oxymora". I find the latter pretentious and an example of the linguistic phenomenon of hypercorrection.

And the biggest oxymoron is
Microsoft Works

A lot of alliteration

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A little alliteration

"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong

"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

Allegedly, these are from a New York magazine competition in which readers were asked to change one letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it. I have been unable to locate the original source, but that doesn't make them any less funny.

Harlez-vous francais? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?
ex post fucto - lost in the mail
Idios amigos - We're wild and crazy guys!
Veni, VIPi, Vici - I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered.
J'y suis, j'y pestes - I can stay for the weekend
Cogito Eggo sum - I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
Rigor Morris - The cat is dead.
Respondez s'il vous plaid - Honk if you're Scots!
Que será, serf - Life is feudal.
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi. - The King is dead. No kidding.
Posh mortem - Deathstyles of the rich and famous
Pro Bozo publico - Support your local clown.
Monage a trois - I am three years old
Felix navidad - Our cat has a boat.
haste cuisine - fast French food
Veni, vidi, vice - I came, I saw, I partied.
quip pro quo - a fast retort
VISA la France! - Don't leave chateau without it.
Merci rien - Thanks for nothin'.
amicus puriae - platonic friend
Apres moe le deluge - Larry and Curly got wet.
ca va sans dirt - and that's not gossip
c'etat, c'est moo - I'm bossy around here.
Cogito, ergo spud - I think, therefore I yam.
fui generis - what's mine is mine
ich liebe rich - I'm really crazy about having dough.
carp diem - fish of the day
mazel ton - tons of luck

These are said to be from a Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.

Based on its capriciousness, English is a female language

Having been a linguistics major (although I concentrated more on Spanish linguistics), I actually know why quite a few of the following phenomena occur. I plan to write an essay or two on these and other topics for your edification at some point in the future. Stay tuned.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. And while no one knows what is in a hot dog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary [he didn't, by the way], where did he find the words?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
What is another word for "thesaurus" or "synonym"?
Where do swear words come from?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself at the Internet Anagram Server.
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? How about "wise man" and "wise guy"?
Why do people use the word "irregardless"? [I'll throw in my two cents now instead of later. People who use "irregardless" and those who use "it's" as a possessive should be strapped to dumb bombs and used as guidance systems for them. We'd never need to pay millions for a laser guidance system again--there are more morons than bombs.]
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we say something's out of order when it's broken but we never say in of order when it works?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Or "raise" to build, but "raze" to destroy?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? And how about "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing?
Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Or "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds? And why is "dyslexic" so hard to spell and "mnemonic" so hard to remember? And why does "abbreviation" have so many letters? If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know? And if you can't spell a word, how are you supposed to look it up?
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this section, I end it?

More proof that English is female:

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

If that didn't drive the point home, read this rather long poem. That should finish you off.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.


Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.


Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!