Language, and words in particular

Facts: statistics, stories, and other trivia
Fun: jokes, wordplay, traveler's phrases you won't find in Frommer's, and English put to work as comedian
Fascination: some of my favorite words, quotes from language lovers
Foibles: how not to write
Faraway places: what page is complete without links?

The canonical list of funny definitions: the Internet's largest collection of laxicography

Facts

Based upon a 1998 survey. There are also three other languages that are spoken by more than 100 million people each: German (128 million), Japanese (126 million), and Urdu (105 million).

Top 10 Most Common Words In The English Language

Various surveys have been conducted to establish the most common words in spoken English of various types, from telephone conversations to broadcast commentaries. Many other words such as yes and well, also appear with far greater frequency in everyday speech than in the comparative list of the most common words in written English, which is based on a survey of newspaper usages.

John Wilkins (1614-1672), a British philosopher and scientist, attempted to invent a "perfect language," in which words were no longer arbitrary series of syllables denoting an object or concept, but actually contained their own definition. The first syllable of each word would be one of forty sounds, each associated with a 'Genera.' For example, "De" signified an element, and "Z" was an animal. The next consonant divided each genus into up to nine major "differences." For example, "b" was the first consonant, so "Deb" represents the first element, which Wilkins defined as fire. Adding another vowel defined the "species," so "Deba" was flame.

In a sense, Wilkins was attempting to define vocabulary by a system of rules akin to the way we form sentences. Not surprisingly, his language never really caught on, but it is an interesting footnote in the history of linguistics.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny ipmroetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Fast fun facts

The letters of the alphabet in order of their frequency of use in English are:
ETAISONHRDLUCMFWYPGVBKJQXZ

The onomatopoeia for a dog's bark in Japanese is "wan-wan." Spanish cats go "guau."

An anagram of the name Michael Jordan is Lo! Nice, hard jam!

You've probably been disgruntled at one time or another, but have you ever been gruntled? There are some words that either never had a positive form or their positive form faded from use. Here are some more: debunk, defenestrate, dejected, disconsolate, disheveled, dismayed, feckless, gormless, impetuous, impromptu, inane, incessant, inchoate, incognito, incommunicado, indomitable, ineffable, inept, inert, infernal, inhibited, insidious, insipid, insouciant, intact, invert, misgivings, misnomer, nonchalant, noncommittal, nondescript, nonpareil, nonplussed, unbeknownst, ungainly, unnerved, unswerving, untold, untoward.

Some words that do have positive forms, though they are rarely encountered: disarray, disconcerting, immaculate, impeccable, inadvertent, incapacitated, incorrigible, inevitable, innocent, inscrutable, insensate, insufferable, interminable, reckless, unbridled, unflappable, unfurl, unkempt, unmitigated, unrequited, unruly, unthinkable, unwieldy.

What do the words cookie, cosmos, cuckoo, message, museum, quack, sausage, sequoia, squeaky, and wages have in common?

They are all comprised of only the odd-numbered letters of the alphabet: a, c, e, g, and so on.

The full name of the city of Los Angeles is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora La Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula.

In 1740, Justice of the Peace Henry Fielding, under the nom de plume Captain Hercules Vinegar, summoned poet laureate Colley Cibber to court for the murder of the English language.

The first letters of the months July through November, in order, spell the name Jason.

"Junk" DNA has been found to exhibit the same (-1) Zipf-test slope on a log-log graph as human languages do. (Science, Vol. 266, p. 1320: Hints of a Language in Junk DNA)

The word "galaxy" comes from the Greek word for milk.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

The female name "Vanessa" is Greek for "butterfly".

"Aibohphobia" is the term for the fear of palindromes. Go ahead, spell it backwards.

To foreign audiences, the title of the movie There's Something About Mary proved mystifying. So, country by country, the movie was renamed. In Poland, where blonde jokes are popular, the title became For the Love of a Blonde. In France, it was Mary at all Costs. In Thailand, it was My True Love Will Outstand all Outrageous Events.

Little things of varying veracity

When I get "facts" about English, I squirrel them away for inclusion here. Sometimes these are nothing more than folk etymologies, which are notoriously inaccurate. Below I list some things I've accumulated through the forwarded email grapevine, mailing lists, and other sources that I haven't had the time to check out yet. I'll post my research on them as I work my way through them. In the meantime, take them with a grain of salt.

• In Chinese, the words for crisis and opportunity are the same. Also, the ideogram for trouble symbolizes two women living under one roof.

  The first part of this is false; I haven't looked into the second part. Here's what Victor H. Mair, professor of Chinese language and literature at the University of Pennsylvania, has to say about it:

  An airplane is a machine that has the capability of flying through the air, but that does not imply that "air" by itself means airplane or that "plane" alone originally signified airplane.... Neither "air" nor "plane" means "airplane"; only "airplane" means "airplane" - except when "plane" is being used as an abbreviation for "airplane"!

  He goes into much more detail about it than this, but this excerpt cuts to the heart of the matter.

• Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book If I Ran the Zoo.
• The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."
• Canada is an Iroquois word meaning "Big Village."
• The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bed frame. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

  Another way I've seen this put is: In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "Good night, sleep tight."

  This may have a kernel of truth, though the origin given is almost certainly too early. Michael Quinion sheds some light on it here.

• "Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingoes, actually) to keep from freezing.
• The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

  It should come as no surprise that this is false. Once again, Mr. Quinion gives this the shredding it deserves.

• Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
• Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down, hence the expression "to get fired."
• There are seven qualifiers for the longest one-syllable English word: screeched, scratched, scrounged, scrunched, straights, strengths, and stretched. I include this one here because I've seen more than one factoid (a factoid is actually a bit of trivia presented as a fact that is actually inaccurate, not a "little fact", though CNN thoroughly mangled the meaning of this word years ago with their little "factoid" they used to present before commercial breaks. That factoid is a fact is a fact is actually a factoid.) that only includes one of these words and says it is the longest word.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
• It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

  I've always been quite suspicious of this one, and

• In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
• Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Body parts in English idioms

a good head on one's shoulders
the shoe's on the other foot
a heart of gold
a chip on one's shoulder
a nose for crime
to turn the other cheek
a pain in the neck
to rub someone's nose in it
a price on one's head
apple of one's eye
snap someone's head off
put your foot down
shoulder to the wheel
nose to the grindstone
to pull someone's leg (in Spanish: to pull someone's hair)
to stick one's neck out
to twist around one's little finger
heart-to-heart talk
keep your head above water

Money in English phrases and idioms

blood money - a fee paid to a hired assassin
conscience money - money paid, sometimes anonymously, by someone who hopes to atone for previous wrongdoing
even money - equal stakes, with no odds, given or offered in a wager
front money - money paid in advance, especially to start a project
hush money - money paid as a bribe to keep a person from revealing something, such as a scandalous or criminal act
mad money - a bit of money set aside for emergency use or for frivolous purchases
pin money - a small sum of money, as for incidental expenses
pocket money - cash for small expenses; small change
seed money - money provided to begin the financing of, or to attract additional funds for, a project

Articles on language and lexicography

"'Phat,' 'Eye candy' among new words officially part of the language, but jury's out on 'stress puppy, ' 'umfriend '" from the Daytona Beach News-Journal is a rather good article, as far as jounalistic coverage of lexicography goes. There is a little bit on how these words managed to get into the fourth edition of Webster's New World College Dictionary from the mouth of Mike Agnes himself, harmless drudge extrordinare and, as Editor in Chief, the person I report to as an intern. He also has constructed an excellent research portal.

CHANCE News at Dartmouth had a small bit on inclusion principles in one of their issues. Once you read the article, my answers to the discussion questions will make sense:
1. Not only do the editors collect their own citations during the course of their rather voracious reading, two people, Batya Jundef and Joan Komic, are on staff to collect citations. Their title, "Citation Readers," should have been a dead giveaway. From their work, the editors can make decisions on inclusion or exclusion based on actual usage.
2. Yes. The reason Webster's New World has a list of words to watch is precisely to avoid rushing a word in just to be the first on the block and then having to take it back out in the next update. Quality lexicography is not topical, and cannot be done in a matter of a few weeks or months.
3. Words that are popular enough to be considered for addition are usually to be found in print sooner or later.

Fascination

By words the mind is winged.
--Aristophanes, dramatist (c. 448-385 BCE)

The greatest masterpiece in literature is only a dictionary out of order.
-Jean Cocteau, writer, artist, and filmmaker (1889-19633)

No metaphysician ever felt the deficiency of language so much as the grateful.
--Charles Caleb Colton, author and clergyman (1780-18322)

Dictionary: The raw material of possible poems and histories.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson, essayist and poet (1803-1882)

The finest words in the world are only vain sounds if you cannot understand them.
-Anatole France, novelist, essayist, Nobel laureate (18844-1924)

Those who know nothing of foreign languages know nothing of their own.
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, dramatist, novelist, and philosopher (1749-1832)

When I feel inclined to read poetry, I take down my dictionary. The poetry of words is quite as beautiful as the poetry of sentences. The author may arrange the gems effectively, but their shape and luster have been given by the attrition of ages.
--Oliver Wendell Holmes, physician and writer (1809-18994)

A word is the skin of a living thought.
--Oliver Wendell Holmes

A man who uses a great many words to express his meaning is like a bad marksman who, instead of aiming a single stone at an object, takes up a handful and throws at it in hopes he may hit.
--Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784)

So difficult it is to show the various meanings and imperfections of words when we have nothing else but words to do it with.
--John Locke, philosopher (1632-1704)

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
--Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens), author and hummorist (1835-1910)

I have studied it often, but I never could discover the plot.
--Mark Twain, on the dictionary

As societies grow decadent, the language grows decadent, too. Words are used to disguise, not to illuminate, action: you liberate a city by destroying it. Words are to confuse, so that at election time people will solemnly vote against their own interests.
--Gore Vidal

The process of a living language is like the motion of a broad river which flows with a slow, silent, irresistible current.
--Noah Webster, lexicographer (1758-1843)

The living language is like a cow-path: it is the creation of the cows themselves, who, having created it, follow it or depart from it according to their whims or their needs. From daily use, the path undergoes change. A cow is under no obligation to stay.
--E.B. White, writer (1899-1985)

A few of my favorite words

How many of these do you know? Match the word with its definition.
(All definitions are from Webster's New World College Dictionary, Fourth Edition.)

1. soi-disant
2. hoi polloi
3. satori
4. oogamous
5. hierophant
6. homme moyen sensuel
7. seppuku
8. hexastitch
9. geoduck
10. boustrophedon

A spiritual enlightenment or illumination: term used esp. in Zen Buddhism
B self-styled
C designating or of an ancient form of writing in which the lines run alternately from right to left and left to right
D hara-kiri
E a very large, burrowing, edible clam (Panope generosa) of intertidal beaches of W North America
F a poem or stanza of six lines
G a person confidently expounding, explaining, or promoting something mysterious or obscure as though appointed to do so
H the common people; the masses: usually patronizing or contemptuous: sometimes preceded by the
I an average man, with average tastes and appetites
J characterized by the uniting of a large, nonmotile egg and a small, active sperm for reproduction

A few other interesting words:

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is, allegedly, the fear of big words.

Lethologica describes the state of not remembering the word you want to say.

Methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanyl-
glutaminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylal-
anylvalylprolylphenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylgly-
cylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonyl-
leucylisoleucylglutamylalanylglycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamyl-
leucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylalanylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanyl-
aspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylglutaminylasparaginylalanylthreon-
ylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylglycylvalylthreonylprolyl-
alanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucylalanylleu-
cylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleucylprolyl-
isoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalyl-
phenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyl-
tyrosylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartyl-
serylvalylleucylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamyl-
serylalanylprolylphenylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginyl-
histidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcyst-
einylprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarg-
inylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycylarginylglycyltyrosylthre-
onyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreonylglycylala-
nylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylasparaginyl-
histidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylal-
anylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleu-
cylserylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucyl-
aspartylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylseryl-
alanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidyl-
asparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanyl-
alanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalylglutaminylprolylmethionyllysyl-
alanylalanylthreonylarginylserine: The chemical name for the protein tryptophan synthetase, a 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. (From Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words)

Glosario de terminos usados en el Web
Web Terms in Spanish

@ - la arroba
. - el punto
/ - la raya
bookmark - el marcalibros
browser - el navegador, el browser
to browse - hojear, browsear, curiosear
bug - el fallo, el bicho, el gazapo, el error
to click - hacer clic, cliquear
command - la orden, el mandato, el comando
cyberspace - el ciberespacio
dialog box - la ventana de diálogo, el cuadro de diálogo
directory - el directorio
domain name - el nombre de dominio
to download - bajar, descargar, hacer un download
electronic mail - el correo electrónico
email - el email, el imail
email address - la dirreción de correo electrónico
embedded hyperlink - el enlace intercalado, enlace (conexión) empotrado
file - el archivo (de datos)
homepage - la pálgina de bienvenida, la página de entrada, la página de presentación, la página principal, la página inicial, el homepage
hyperlink - el ultraenlace, el hiperenlace
hypertext - el hipertexto
keyword - la palabra clave
login - el login, hacer el login
Net - la Red
online - en línea
password - el password, la contraseña, el codigo secreto
protocol - el protocolo
search engine - el buscador, motor de búsqueda
search tool - la herramienta de búsqueda
server - el servidor
to surf - surfear
username - el nombre de usuario
Web, WWW - el Web, la telaraña, la malla mundial
Webpage - la página Web

Foibles

In 2000, Slate Magazine published a column called "I See France" that followed Michael Lewis and Tabitha Soren as they lived in Paris. It was, for the most part, an entertaining look at the differences in culture between our great nation and, well, France. The following post is a funny treatment of Lewis's problems overcoming the language barrier. The rest of the posts can be found by searching Slate's archives.

I SEE FRANCE
Quelle Charade!
By Michael Lewis and Tabitha Soren
Posted Wednesday, Feb. 2, 2000, at 10:00 a.m. PT

Not speaking French here isn't merely a social handicap but also a psychological one. In English, I like to think, I am a rather sane and ordinary fellow. In French I am a weirdo. I do all kinds of strange things here that I wouldn't dream of doing back home, and most of them are simply a response to my linguistic ineptitude.

For example, instead of saying what I want to say, I often find myself saying whatever I happen to be able to say, even if it isn't true. The need to get to the end of a French sentence that I've recklessly started without knowing how to finish is turning me into one of those pathological liars who invents a Vietnam War record for himself. The other day I found myself in one of my spastic little conversations with the man who runs the hardware store, who had asked my personal history. Behind me French women eavesdropped, amused by the murder of their language. Suddenly, without warning, I ran out of both verb tenses and pronouns. Panicked, I closed the books on my life story and said simply that I grew up in New Orleans, which is true, and that I lived there still, which isn't. Now, of course, every time I turn up in his shop he wants to know more about my life in New Orleans.

That is only one of the lies I am now forced to remember as I walk the streets of our charming neighborhood. The woman at the bakery thinks my 8-month-old daughter is a boy. The butcher thinks I'm a poet and that my works are translated into French. Our next-door neighbor believes me to have a deep interest in the letters of Christopher Columbus. (She's written a book on the subject, which I now have to read.) The woman who cuts my hair, who, like half the women in France is fanatically attached to Paul Auster's novels or, at least, the photograph on the back of Paul Auster's dust jacket or, at the very least, to the fact that Paul Auster speaks beautiful French, thinks Paul Auster is a close friend of mine. Now she wants to meet him!

On and on it goes. It is stressful telling so many lies. I can't keep track of them.

And so in response to one weird pattern of behavior (lying all the time), I find myself adopting another: hiding from people who might force me to lie, i.e., people who might want to talk French to me when my brain is not ready for French. For instance, I now walk past the all-hours market next door, head down, without saying hello to the man who runs the store, Tariq. Tariq is the first person I met here. I was grateful to him for embracing me in such a neighborly way. For the first week or so we went out of our way to greet each other in the most elaborate possible fashion. I was "working on my French"; he was humoring me. In the second week, we both became bored with our ritual, as it involved the same phrases over and over again. A cursory "ça va?" and we moved on. Now I catch myself trying to hurry by, hoping he will not see me.

Of course, when you live in France, it is impossible to hide from all the people who might care to speak French. Thus I have discovered yet another pathological social device: Turn every conversation into a game of charades. Listening to rapid-fire French requires a very great effort. A few hours into each day I run out of gas and begin to respond not to French words but to French gestures. Given the context you can usually guess what they are trying to say. The incomprehensible questions in French from the grocery store cashier? Probably she has asked me if I would like a plastic bag and how I intend to pay. I say "oui" and hand her cash.

It is surprisingly easy to slide into reading other people's body language instead of listening to their actual words. This evening I found myself in a restaurant. The waiter came by and asked if he could clear the empty glass on the table-or at least that's what I guessed he was trying to say. I nodded. Then he left, without taking the glass, and returned with a refill. There ensued the usual confusion that follows whenever I lose the game of charades and have to wake up and listen to the words.

The thing was, I was in New York City. I arrived this morning, for a couple of days visit. The waiter had been speaking English.

Reasons to hire a good translator

Note: The ever-vigilant debunkers at www.snopes.com have already shown some of these to be dubious or outright false. The URL for their elucidation follows the entry when applicable.

Chevrolet Nova didn't do well in Spanish speaking countries... Nova means "No Go." (www.snopes2.com/business/misxlate/nova.htm)

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name Pavian to suggest French chic. Unfortunately, Pavian means "baboon" in German.

Parker pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink" which also means "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA, with the cute baby on the label. Later, when investigating lower than expected sales figures, they found out that it is common practice in Africa to put pictures of the contents on food package labels.

Coors slogan, "Turn it Loose," translated into Spanish as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Puffs tissues had a bad name in Germany since "Puff" is a colloquial term for whorehouse.

Jolly Green Giant translated into Arabic means "Intimidating Green Ogre."

When Coca-Cola first came to China, it was given a similar sounding name, but the characters used for the name meant "Bite the wax tadpole." (www.snopes2.com/cokelore/tadpole.htm)

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue wants us to know that "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," but the Spanish translation came out as "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

The "worst phrasebook ever written", English as She is Spoke shows what happens when a Portugese speaker attempts to create a book of English phrases without speaking English. Its author used a French-English phrasebook and a Portuguese-French dictionary instead. The results are similar to what comes out of the Babelizer, which takes a phrase and translates it back and forth between five different languages with AltaVista's BabelFish.

Yes, Virginia, that is a comma clause

One of the errors I come across most often as a copy editor is the misuse of punctuation. Most of the time, there is no real impact on the meaning of the sentence, and it is plucked out or dropped in with little fuss. However, this is not always the case, as the following construct demonstrates.

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,
Gloria

Bad headlines

Having worked for a newspaper, I know how difficult it is sometimes to come up with a good headline. It has to be big enough to fit the space allotted, but not too big, and must give the reader who only scans headlines the gist of a twenty column-inch story in just one phrase. The following headlines don't quite manage to do that.

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Signs seen in foreign countries

I hope my Spanish doesn't sound as bad to a madrileño as the following English does to me.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Hotel, Acapulco:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
Cooles and heates: If you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan [Also attributed to Finnish restroom]:
To stop leak turn cock to the right.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
No children allowed.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviors in bed.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
Please do not bring solicitors into your room.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest [Also attributed to Leipzig]:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

An unidentified storefront:
All your base are belong to us.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous efficient self-service.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

Some Americans aren't so good with English, either:

In a city restaurant:
Open seven days a week, and weekends, too.

One of the Mathare buildings:
Mental Health Prevention Centre.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
Do not activate with wet hands.

On a poster at Kencom:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.

In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

Faraway places

Links marked with are particularly recommended.

All those 700 clubbers who complain that the Internet is nothing but porn and child molesters obviously have never been to this site. The online companion to the BBC's "The Routes of English" is as good as the series itself, with quizzes, games, music, clips from the six parts of the series, links, and more, easily earning it the coveted smiley.

When yourDictionary.com says that they're the leading global language portal, they're not kidding. If there's an online dictionary for it, there's almost certainly a link for it here, or it may even be on site. If the one billion or so dictionaries aren't enough for you, there are also features, such as a 15-minute video called, "Is the Language of Christ Endangered?" a language guesser to help you figure out what language a particular word is from, several articles, such as one on the story of the symbol for infinity, and more ad infinitum.

Professor Jim HiDuke of the University of Northern Iowa, AKA Dr. Grammar, has put together a useful site at www.drgrammar.org. The writer's resources and writer's toolbox pages are rich with handy links and information. If more writers read his FAQ before their copy reached my desk, I'd save a lot of money on ink cartridges for my Parker.

The Academic Press Dictionary of Science and Technology is my definitive source for technical definitions.

The Plumb Design Visual Thesaurus is "an exploration of sense relationships within the English language. By clicking on words, you follow a thread of meaning, creating a spatial map of linguistic associations." In other words, it's like one of those old "Choose Your Own Adventure" stories, but one word at a time.

And now, from the "I'd be able to hear what I'm saying if my head wasn't so far up my ass" department:

Political correctness wins a round at Bowling Green
At Bowling Green State University, in Ohio, Richard Zeller, a professor of sociology, is retiring after colleagues barred him from teaching a course on political correctness. Said the head of women's studies: "We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech." (October 2, 2000)
Unfortunately, this story is no longer in the archives, but for more suppressions of thought and language, go to www.foxnews.com to find tongue-tied under the "views" menu at the left of the page. I apologize for not being able to give you a more direct route, but the link changes often.

The New Hacker's Dictionary, Third Edition, compiled by Eric S. Raymond. The resource for computer-related terms and jargon. It is a bit on the technical side, but it is nothing if not exhaustive. More than a simple term-and-definition list, it also has excellent discussions on linguistic and sociolinguistic characteristics of hackers. Its entry for Murphy's law sheds some light on its background:

Murphy's Law /prov./ The correct, *original* Murphy's Law reads: "If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it." This is a principle of defensive design, cited here because it is usually given in mutant forms less descriptive of the challenges of design for lusers. For example, you don't make a two-pin plug symmetrical and then label it 'THIS WAY UP'; if it matters which way it is plugged in, then you make the design asymmetrical.

Edward A. Murphy, Jr. was one of the engineers on the rocket-sled experiments that were done by the U.S. Air Force in 1949 to test human acceleration tolerances (USAF project MX981). One experiment involved a set of 16 accelerometers mounted to different parts of the subject's body. There were two ways each sensor could be glued to its mount, and somebody methodically installed all 16 the wrong way around. Murphy then made the original form of his pronouncement, which the test subject (Major John Paul Stapp) quoted at a news conference a few days later.

Within months 'Murphy's Law' had spread to various technical cultures connected to aerospace engineering. Before too many years had gone by variants had passed into the popular imagination, changing as they went. Most of these are variants on "Anything that can go wrong, will"; this is correctly referred to as Finagle's Law. The memetic drift apparent in these mutants clearly demonstrates Murphy's Law acting on itself!

The Free Online Dictionary of Computing (FOLDOC) is similar in spirit to The New Hacker's Dictionary. However, rather than one big HTML file, this one makes you enter the term you need a definition for, so it's not as browsable. However, clicking on "Random" often leads one down interesting paths.

From the wits at SatireWire.com comes "Interview with the Search Engine." Getting computers to carry on conversations, thereby enabling them to carry out commands via the spoken word, has been an interest of mine for some time. This feature, pulled from Google's cache, demonstrates just how far we have to go. It's also good for a hearty laugh.

Sometimes you catch just a snippet of conversation that makes you wonder just what it is that conversation could possibly be about. The people at www.inpassing.org collect these surreal bits for your perusal.

The linguistics fun page at www.ojohaven.com/fun has a number of high-quality links, several features, such as "A Self-referential Story," which reminded me of some of my own attempts to construct a chatterbox, and humor--much of which I've seen several times already (you may notice that their "funny translation errors" does not contain as much documentation as mine above, which is why I included it here). Nevertheless, it is quite worth at least a quick visit.

The world's first collaborative sentence is as much a demonstration of psychology as it is linguistics, and is all the more interesting for it, though its originator seems to think it is a work of art. Although it is completed and its original page is virtual dust, it is still in Google’s cache.

HandSpeak is an online dictionary for sign language. With over 3000 words (both American and International versions of each) divided into categories such as numbers, colors, animals, etc. with animated gifs to accompany them, it is useful resource for learning how to sign.

Language for Travelers is a good way to get a start into a new language. Once you select the language you speak and the language you wish to learn, it presents words from several categories, such as basic words, numbers, shopping, travel, directions, places, and times. The words are accompanied by downloadable sound clips, and a quick quiz is offered. The language selection impressed me, with rather obscure languages such as Basque, Frisian, and Esperanto. As if that weren't enough, along with the words is presented a list of countries in which your selected language is spoken, along with links to further resources for study in that language.

The Archive of Misheard Lyrics is the Internet's largest database of misheard pop lyrics. Browse by song name or artist, or submit your own. There is also a site with a similar theme at www.thechicagoloop.net/lyrics/. That's funny, I don't remember "Larry in a coma" being in a Police song....

ClichéSite.com is a repository for clichés that's as long as your arm. Cliché of the day, some from other countries, and a mailing list.

World Wide Words by Michael Quinion has over 1000 pages with a story behind a word or phrase, a mailing list of high quality, features about weird words, topical words, and turns of phrase, and a search function to help you sort through the overwhelming amount of content. Although its subtitle is "Investigating international English from a British viewpoint," it has more than enough quality material to keep American viewers fascinated too. In his newsletter, Quinion gives a detailed answer to emailed questions about word origins. His reply to a question about the word "hackneyed" is a good example:

Let us take a large step back in time to medieval England, say to the year 1300. Hackney is now just a place-name embedded within London, north-east of the City, but then it was a small village. It lay on the west side of the River Lea but separated from it by a large area of marshland (to be commemorated about 550 years later by a music-hall song whose refrain went: "With a ladder and some glasses / You could see the Hackney Marshes, / If it wasn't for the houses in between").

The countryside around Hackney was pleasant, open, good-quality grassland, which became famous for the horses bred and pastured there. These were riding horses, "ambling horses", as opposed to war horses or draught horses. Hence "hackney" became the standard term for a horse of this type.

Because such horses were often made available for hire, the word also came to refer, about the end of the fourteenth century, to any horse that was intended to be hired out. Later still, the emphasis shifted from "horse" to "hire", and it was used for any passenger vehicle similarly available, especially the "hackney coach" or "hackney carriage". This last term became the usual one for a vehicle that could be hired--today's London black taxis, with not a horse in sight, are still formally referred to by that name.

Horses of the "hackney" type were often worked heavily, in the nature of things that were hired out to all and sundry. So the word evolved in parallel with the previous sense to refer figuratively to something that was overused to the point of drudgery. By the middle of the sixteenth century, "hackney" was being applied to people in just this sense, and was abbreviated about the start of the eighteenth century to "hack", as in "hack work"; it was specifically applied to literary drudges who dashed off poor-quality writing to order--hence its modern pejorative application to journalists.

Hackney horses were also widely available and commonly seen, to the extent that they became commonplace and unremarkable. So yet another sense evolved--for something used so frequently and indiscriminately as to have lost its freshness and interest, hence something stale, unoriginal or trite. The adjective "hackneyed" communicated this idea from about the middle of the eighteenth century on.

By the way, it was thought at one time that this whole set of words derived from the French "haquenée", an ambling horse. The first edition of the Oxford English Dictionary considered this to be so, but modern writers are sure that the French term was actually borrowed from the English place name, so great was the reputation of Hackney's horses even in medieval times.

Quinion also has a good article at The Editorial Eye on how new words are formed and a good, accurate appraisal of a dictionary's true role in language.

The International Obfuscated C Code Contest rewards the most creative abuses of the programming language C. Although computer languages may not seem to fit into the theme of this page, check out this program by Brian Westley in which each line is a palindrome: www.ioccc.org/1987/westley.c. He has another one that looks like an E.E. Cummings poem: www.ioccc.org/1990/westley.c.

BuzzWhack takes delight in cutting down overblown press releases. After reading the "Whack of the Week" you'll probably thinking, "Did anyone actually read this before they sent it out?" The "Buzzword Compliant Dictionary" will help you sort out what the empty-headed PR people were trying to get out when they committed their rape of the English language. It also accepts submissions for new entries, you can also nominate an article for a whack, and there is a mailing list for buzzword of the day, or you can get a weekly newsletter instead. Although its intent is to be funny (and it often succeeds), I find it sad that this sort of site is necessary.

The Rosetta Project describes itself rather well: "The Rosetta Project is a global collaboration of language specialists and native speakers working to develop a contemporary version of the historic Rosetta Stone. In this updated iteration, our goal is a meaningful survey and near permanent archive of 1,000 languages. Our intention is to create a unique platform for comparative linguistic research and education as well as a functional linguistic tool that might help in the recovery of lost languages in unknown futures. We are creating this broad language archive through an open contribution, open review process and we invite you to participate. The resulting archive will be publicly available in three different media: a micro-etched nickel disk with 2,000 year life expectancy; a single volume monumental reference book; and through this growing online archive."

Vanity License Plates is a study of how to pack a lot of language into a little space. What I found most entertaining was the story of Odeipus Rex using nothing but California license plates.

SlangSite is one of the better, more comprehensive compilations of slang. Although most of the words are probably unfamiliar to you, have already outlived their use, or will never really catch on, it is interesting to see the patterns in slang generation and usage.

Japanese Engrish addresses "the humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design."

Them's Fightin' Words: War Lingo Rushes to the Front, an article from the Washington Post on the influence of the military upon English.

Each year, Lake Superior State University issues a list of words that should be banished from the English language due to misuse, overuse, or uselessness. These words tend to be topical, and are suggested more for affect than anything else, such as "homeland security," "weapons of mass destruction" and "undisclosed secret location".

The Gender Genie in its own words: "Inspired by an article in The New York Times Magazine, the Gender Genie uses a simplified version of an algorithm developed by Moshe Koppel, Bar-Ilan University in Israel, and Shlomo Argamon, Illinois Institute of Technology, to predict the gender of an author."

It does a rather impressive job. I gave it two short stories I wrote, and it correctly deduced that they were written by a male. In the first, it was moderately weighted toward male, but the second was close to a toss-up. I then decided to give it a true challenge: a snippet from Living Hours, which was written by a female but translated by a male (me). It was certain that this text was written by a female. (I'd like to say that this was because of my brilliantly transparent translation, but this was only the first English draft.) Bravo, Gender Genie!