Humor

Because of the amount of jokes, psychology jokes and religious jokes have their own pages.

For Sale:
Apple iPod
15 GB model, lightly used
167 songs loaded

The RIAA says it's worth about $25 million.
I'll let it go for $5 million, plus shipping.

The police, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The police go in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Afghan TV Guide

MONDAYS
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Osama In The Middle"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS
8:00 - "Wheel of Torture"
8:30 - "Who Wants to be a Terrorist"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS
8:00 - "Dharma & Mohammed"
8:30 - "That Taliban Show"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS
8:00 - "Survivor - Afghanistan!"
8:30 - "Touched by an Infidel"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet-Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Afganistan's Funniest Surveillance Tapes"
9:00 - "What Law & Order?"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"

A naval officer was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied, "Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

France announced... that they will not help the United States remove Saddam Hussein from Iraq. Well, duh, they didn't help us remove the Germans from France.
--Jay Leno

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Sydney city council in Australia has established a "Women Only" parking lot near downtown. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female, so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. The same concept is being considered by the Toronto Parking authority. Below is a picture of this amazing new concept parking lot for women only.

Dear Friend,
This letter was started by a woman like yourself in
hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented
women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost
anything. Just bundle up your husband and send him to the
woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add
your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this
to five of your friends who are equally tired and
discontented. When your name comes to the top of the list,
you will receive 3,325 men... and some of them are bound
to be better than the one you gave up!

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!!! One woman did, and received her
own jerk back!

At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184
men; they buried her yesterday, but it took four undertakers
36 hours to get the smile off of her face.

We're counting on you,
A. Satisfied Woman

A van carrying a dozen movie stunt men on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guardrail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There were no injuries.

New additions to the periodic table of elements

Administratium

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction in which it is present. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days when it would normally occur in less than a second.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons and assistants to the vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist it tends to condense at certain points such as college and university campuses and government centers and can usually be found near the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Finally, scientists point out the dangers of Administratium. It is known to be toxic in large quantities and can easily destroy areas in which it is allowed to collect. It has been suggested that Administratium be confined to small doses only to prevent irreversible damage occurring.

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Limbaughium Lb The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

Billclintium Bc With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Innofensium Pc Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium Nt Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium Ps Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium Po Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

There were twin brothers named Joe and John. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking Jim for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe said, "Oh no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

UNIX to Microsoft Windows Filename Conversion:

  /bin                    My Tools
  /usr/local/bin          My Other Tools
  /games                  My Toybox
  /dev                    My Gadgets
  /home                   My Lusers
  /etc                    My Secret Codes

Instructions for the new Microsoft TV dinner

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

<<\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cut overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

I'll never forget that horrible evening I took my grandmother to the emergency room. And after an hour of pacing the doctor said, "Emo, your grandmother is on an artificial life support system. Although her brain is dead, her heart is still beating."

I said, "Oh my God, we've never had a Democrat in the family before."
--Emo Phillips

I was making a speech on the Senate floor and I said, "Now, Gentlemen, let me tax your memories," and Kennedy jumped up and said, "Why haven't we thought of that before?"
--Bob Dole

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as salespeople. Now a rigorous mathematical proof explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows...
Work/Time = Power
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work/Money = Knowledge
Solving for Money, we get: Work/Knowledge = Money

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Proof that Barney the dinosaur is the Antichrist:

1) Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway):
   You get: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3) Extract all Roman numerals:   C  V  V   L    D   I  V
4) Convert into Arabic values:   100 5   5  50  500 1  5
5) Add all the numbers together: 666

Very short books

A Guide to Arab Democracies
A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
Career Opportunities for History Majors
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
Easy UNIX
Canadian Tips on World Dominance
Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
Home Built Airplanes by John Denver
How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino
Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan
Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates
Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneress
My Book Of Morals by Bill Clinton
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
French Hospitality
Al Gore: The Wild Years
How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
Spotted Owl Recipes by the Environmental Protection Agency
Popular Lawyers
Staple Your Way to Success
My Plan to Find the Real Killers by OJ Simpson
The Amish Phone Book
Fat-free German Cooking
English Tanning Secrets
A Guide to Swiss Beaches
Spicy Irish Cooking
Brilliant Spanish Military Campaigns
Great Cars of Russia
Advances in Chinese Human Rights
Gourmet Recipes From Michigan
Gypsy Sports Heroes
Around the World in a Peugeot

Children's books that didn't sell well

You Are Different and That's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

One day in class the teacher brings a bag full of fruit.

"Now, class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. OK, the first one is round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raises his hand high, but the teacher, knowing that he always has a dirty answer, ignores him and picked Deborah, who promptly answers, "An apple."
"No, Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, the second one is soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him, but she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato, but I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now, Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally, who says, "It's a banana."
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is irritated now, so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you, teacher!" He reaches deep into his pocket and says, "It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
Johnny answers, "It's just a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
The sport of choice for maintenance-level employees is BOWLING.
The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

From this, we can draw this conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers. The next morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows:

MEMORANDUM

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been finished by now.

While I was taking a law course, the Audi alteram parten rule was explained to us. Translated, it means "To hear the other party."

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

One man responded, "My wife."

Three friends die in a car crash and find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last man replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!'"

Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.

On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.

The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee. It's $5000."

"$5000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?"

"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.

What your car says about you

Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Caprice - I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Diefenbaker
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - (see Chevy Caprice)
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a heist
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944 - I am dating big-haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagen Microbus - I am tripping right now

County of the Bronx High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name ________________________ Gang _______________________

1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine, and sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut his half pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how may Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, a) how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and b) how many years will he get for killing the woman who spent his money?

7. If the average spray-can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

9. Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cents on the dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift each week to make $250?

Are you proficient in math, according to the Bronx County School District?

Answers:

1. three
2. enough for former Mayor Dinkins's car
3. four tricks per girl
4. more than he can count
5. two Chevy's
6. a) $2800 when he gets out; b) 25 to life when he kills her
7. eight letters
8. 22.2%
9. $2,500

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continue up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

I've only heard this joke in Spanish, though I'm sure it's probably somewhere in English, too. So, I give you the Spanish, then my translation of it. And, just to demonstrate why human translators are so important, I give you Babelfish's translation.

Un señor de lleva una hora sentado en el bar mirando su copa sin beberla, cuando llega un camionero y se bebe la copa de un solo trago. El pobre hombre se echa a llorar, y el camionero le consuela: "Discúlpeme, era sólo una broma, ahora mismo le pido otra copa."

El tipo le contesta, "No, no es eso. Es que hoy ha sido el peor día de mi vida: primero, me despiden. Luego, me robaron el coche. Después, descubro a mi mujer engañándome con mi mejor amigo. Y para colmo de colmos, cuando por fin iba a terminar con todo esto, llega usted y ¡se toma mi veneno!"

A translation done by a human:

A man sat at the bar for an hour, staring at his glass, but not drinking it, when a trucker walks over and drinks it in one swallow. The poor man bursts into tears, so the trucker consoles him, "I'm sorry; it was only a joke. I'll buy you another drink right now."

The man replies, "No, it's not that. Today has been the worst day of my life. First, I get fired. Then, my car was stolen. Later, I find out that my wife has been cheating on me with my best friend. And to top it all off, you come and drink my poison!"

A translation done by a fish:

A gentleman of takes to one hour seated in the bar watching his glass without drinking it, when a truck driver arrives and the glass of a single drink drinks. The poor man lies down to cry, and the truck driver consoles to him: " Discúlpeme, was only one joke, right now I request another glass to him."

The type answers to him, "No, is not that. It is that today it has been the worse day of my life: first, they dismiss to me. Soon, they robbed the car to me. Later, I discover to my woman deceiving to me with my better friend. And to make matters worse from overflows, when finally she was going to finish this yet, you arrive you and my poison is taken"

Things a good copy editor would have fixed

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Dinner Special--Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale--Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299.For rest or fore play.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

83 Toyota hunchback--$2000

Soft & Genital bath tissue or facial tissue
89¢

American flag
60 stars - pole included
$100

Kellog's Pot Tarts - $1.99 box

Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb.

Exercise equipment: Queen-size mattress & box springs $175

"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you 'Turn back at once to Channel One.'"
--Yakov Smirnoff.

Here's one that would have come in handy if I had thought of it when I was an undergrad:
If your professor asks you where your homework is, claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for over 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi, George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge.
Priest: That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

A byte went to the memory doctor. "I'm not feeling well, doc. I think I've got a parity error." The doctor looked him over. "Well, you do look a bit off!"

Female hormones detected in beer

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them:

• gained weight
• talked excessively without making sense
• became emotional
• couldn't drive
• refused to apologize when wrong

No further testing is planned.

A police officer in New Zealand had to handcuff a sheep after it attacked him. He said it was the only way to keep the animal from attacking him--at least, thats the story he told them when they found him with a handcuffed sheep.
--Jay Leno

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a teacher," said the balloonist.

"I am." replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be an administrator."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. You expect someone else to solve your problem. And the fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A man dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today; why don't you let me show you around?"

The man thinks this is a great idea and gladly accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.

The man asks, "What are all these clocks for?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The man notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others, and he asks St. Peter why that is. St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

The man takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room, then froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice said once more. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage. In the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned and was told by the monarch who captured him that he'd be put to death. But the monarch was impressed with Arthur's youthful happiness and offered Arthur a way to regain his freedom. He'd have a year to have a question answered, and if he didn't find an answer, he'd be put to death. The question was: "What do women want?"

Such a question would challenge even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible task. But, he asked everyone. The princesses. The prostitutes. The priests. Wise men. Even the court jester. None could give him a satisfactory answer.

The year came to an end. Arthur had but one day, and he'd been holding off asking one person, the Old Witch, because he knew her price would be high. But, tomorrow would be the day he would be put to death, so he had no choice.

She agreed to answer the question, but only if Arthur agreed to her price first. She wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend.

The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous. She had one tooth and smelled like sewage water. She made horrible and obscene noises -- he'd never come across a more repugnant creature. He just couldn't ask his friend to bear such a burden as marrying the Old Witch.

But Gawain, upon learning that Arthur would be put to death, spoke with Arthur and told him no price was to high to spare Arthur from death. So, Arthur told the Old Witch that Gawain would marry her. She, in turn, gave him the answer. "What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that was indeed the correct answer, and the monarch did indeed spare Arthur's life. But Arthur was now torn between relief and anguish as he prepared for the wedding of his best friend to the Old Witch.

On their wedding day the Old Witch put on her worst manners. She ate with her hands, belched, farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

That night, Gawain steeled himself for the worst having to make love to such a creature. As he opened the bedroom door, there was the most beautiful woman in the world! Gawain was astounded and asked what happened. The beauty replied that since he'd been so kind to her (when she was a witch) half of the time she'd be her horrible self and half of the time she'd be the beautiful sexy woman she was then. It was up to him to choose if she was to be beautiful during the day or during the night.

What a dilemma. Would he rather show off a beautiful woman during the day and be repulsed at night or be in the company of a hideous creature in public but be in the company of an angel for the intimate hours. What to do.

What would you do?

Well, Gawain replied that she should choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all of the time, because he had respected her and let her be in charge of her own life.

The moral of the story?

It doesn't if your woman is pretty or ugly. Smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still a witch.

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service, finds one, and calls. "Is it a male or female gorilla?" the service man asks.

"Male," the man responds.

"I'll be right there."

An little while later, the service man shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's balls. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on".

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

Satan, having made himself multifariously objectionable, was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back.

"There is one favor that I should like to ask," said he.

"Name it."

"Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws."

"What, wretch! You, his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul--you ask for the right to make his laws?"

"Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself."

It was so ordered.

Traveling outside of the US to lands intelligent enough to use the metric system? If so, you might find this conversion table useful.

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.

The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven... but only for 2 days."

DOE RE MI BEER
by Homer J. Simpson

DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to... [Looks into an empty glass]
D'OH!

Quick quips

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
--Woody Allen

Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
--Blutarsky's Axiom

If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
--Boling's postulate

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee--that will do them in.
--Bradley's Bromide

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
--Johnny Carson

Finagle's First Law: To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

Finagle's Second Law: Always keep a record of data--it indicates you've been working.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Corollaries: (1) Nobody you ask for help will see it. (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Finagle's Fifth Law: Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.

Finagle's Sixth Law: Don't believe in miracles--rely on them.

Finagle's Eighth Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Ninth Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
--First law of debate

Ginsberg's Theorem: (1) You can't win. (2) You can't break even. (3) You can't even quit the game.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
--Great American Axiom

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
--Harrison's Postulate

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
--Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government

Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress--in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution.
--Jones's First Law

There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
--Linus's Law

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
--Main's Law

The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
--Mason's First Law of Synergism

If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
--McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom

Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
--Mitchell's Law of Committees

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
--Mix's Law

If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing.
--Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis

Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
--Moore's Constant

All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
--Nick the Greek's Law of Life

Variables won't; constants aren't.
--Osborn's Law

If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
--Pickle's Law

Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.
--Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention

It is not possible to simultaneously understand and appreciate the Intel x86 architecture.
--Ben Scott

There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than ten men or fewer than one hundred.
--Steele's Law

One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
--Stone's Law

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
--Turnaucka's Law

Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

i souport publik edekasion

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and Unix. This is probably not a coincidence.

I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

Funny, I don't remember being absentminded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, but only got halfway though.

It was so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

I wish the buck stopped here; I could use a few.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5.

Do you smell something burning or is it me?
--Joan of Arc

Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now to late to punish.

I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.

I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it didn't work.

I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a horse with one of the horns broken off.

I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.

I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on strike. To make less money.

If I learn from my mistakes, pretty soon I'll know everything.

If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.

Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Like this rose, our love will wilt and die.

Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported Ctrl-Z?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.

Sacred cows make great hamburgers.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

To all you virgins: thanks for nothing.

You're not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

God must love stupid people; he made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Beer: the reason I get up each afternoon

I must be a proctologist because I work with assholes.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I feed upon the flesh of the living... and I vote.

What did people do to cause accidents before cell phones?

Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.

A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

How big were hailstones before golf was invented?

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A briefcase.

I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Right now it's everywhere I want to be.

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

There are three ways to get something done: (1) Do it yourself. (2) Hire someone to do it for you. (3) Forbid your kids to do it.

Three rules for sounding like an expert: (1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. (2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out when they can be ignored. (3) Come up with three rules of your own.

Steven Wright:

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."

"I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing."

"My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, No." She said, Okay, then forget it.'"

"I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, The whole time.'"

"Hermits have no peer pressure."

"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?"

"The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.'"

"What a nice night for an evening."

"When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's dad. He said, I want my daughter back by 8:15.' I said, The middle of August? Cool!'"

"I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious."

"I live on a one-way dead-end street."

"Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out."

"I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, No thanks-I'm not going that far.'"

"I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained."

"Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?"

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when suddenly a fairy godmother appears in front of her and tells her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

POOF

Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF

She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

POOF

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Rejected Dr. Seuss books

1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client that read, "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer.
"How's it going?" someone asked.
"Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

How Real Men Bathe Cats

1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.
2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.
3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.
4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting.
5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat.
6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up its rear.
7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting.

The Real Man's Bloody Mary

Ingredients

Vodka
Tomato juice
Tabasco
Worcestershire sauce
A-1 steak sauce
ice
salt
pepper
celery

Preparation

Fill a large tumbler with vodka. Throw all the other ingredients away.

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England; he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit. AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"

Ben Franklin was a little stout later in life and it was said that in Paris a young woman, tapping him on his protruding abdomen, said, "Dr. Franklin, if this were on a woman, we'd know what to think."

Franklin replied, "Half an hour ago, Mademoiselle, it was on a woman, and now what do you think?"

"Can anyone give me a good contemporary example of the Golden Rule?" asked the instructor in the college ethics class.

"I can, sir," replied one of the students. "How about 69?"

The Lord is my thesis adviser; I shall not err.
He arranges for me to be published in the
respectable journals; he teaches me how
to use the reductio argument.
He enshores my validity; he leads me by
the classical logic, for the truth's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of
the existence proofs, I will fear no contradiction;
for he edits my work.
The Axiom of Choice and Zorn's Lemma, they comfort me.

He invites a colloquium on classical analysis,
for my participation, in the absence of the constructivists;
He frequently and approvingly abstracts me
in Mathematical Reviews;
my reputation flourishes internationally.
Surely, honors and grants shall follow me
all the days of my career,
and I shall rise in the ranks of the
Department,
to Emeritus.

Amen.

John Hays

COURSE EVALAUTIONS

Allegedly taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991
The Best and Worst Comments Received

"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."
"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
"Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term."
"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."
"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."
"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."
"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class."
"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever."
"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in."
"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."
"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
"TA steadily improved throughout the course... I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."
"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it."
"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets than I would have used the text."
"What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high quality paper.'"

What is Science?

Put most simply, science is a way of dealing with the world around us. It is a way of baffling the uninitiated with incomprehensible jargon. It is a way of obtaining fat government grants. It is a way of achieving mastery over the physical world by threatening it with destruction. Science represents mankind's deepest aspirations--aspirations to power, to wealth, to the satisfaction of sheer animal lusts.

The cornerstone of modern science is the scientific method. Scientists first formulate hypotheses, or predictions, about nature. Then they perform experiments to test their hypotheses. There are two forms of scientific method, the inductive and the deductive.

Extreme Science

How to tell the species of bear you are looking at:
Go over to him and kick him in the behind. Run up a nearby tree. If he climbs the tree and eats you, he's a black bear. If he knocks the tree down and eats you, he's a grizzly.

A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed like hell," he thought to himself. But desperate, he called them up and subscribed to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19 year-old woman, dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes, and a sign around the neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days, and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders their 5 day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens, and much to his delight, on the fifth day he had lost the 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it, he finds Richard Simmons standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you."

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.

The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process.

Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.

The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."

The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.

She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.

He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"

The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year..."

"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but nothing helps. Finally, he goes to a world-renowned doctor for help.

The doctor examines him and says, "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much that it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."

"Wa-wa-wa-what's the c-c-c-cure, d-d-d-doctor?" asks the man.

"We have to cut off 6 inches," replies the doctor.

The man thinks about it and, eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation.

The operation is a success, and the man stops stuttering. Two months later, he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put the six inches back on.

Not hearing anything on other end of the line, the man repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"

Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-fuck you!"

English and European graffiti

In a Moscow park, a propaganda poster slogan: "BEFORE 1917, 97 PER CENT OF THE RUSSIAN POPULATION WERE ILLITERATE PEASANTS," to which had been added, "So what's changed?"

In the lavatory at the Hotel Rossia, Moscow, a graffito in English: "If you have any requirements, please contact the receptionist, who'll explain why you can't have them."

Outside a Leningrad chemical factory: "The pollution is terrible. If we were allowed to breathe, we'd be in trouble."

U.S.S.R SURVIVAL REGULATIONS

1. Don't think.
2. If you think, don't talk.
3. If you talk, don't write it down.
4. If you write it down, don't publish it.
5. If you publish it, don't sign it.
6. If you sign it, deny it at once.

In a service area on the M1 motorway, England: "Isaac Newton didn't discover gravity, he invented heavier-than-air apples."

In London, an addition to a poster advertising crusade meetings by evangelist Luis Palau: "There's one born again every minute."

Seen in numerous lavatories at Students' Union bars all over the UK: "Cut out the middle man - pour (insert the name of the local brewery) straight down the toilet."

Tombstone in Gatehouse of Fleet, Scotland:

STOP, PASSENGER, AS YOU PASS BY
AS YOU ARE NOW, SO ONCE WAS I
AS I AM NOW, SO YOU WILL BE
SO BE PREPARED AND FOLLOW ME

To which was added, "To follow you I'd be content, if I knew which way you went."

This one comes from Ray Owens's Joke a Day. Of the myriad of joke mailing lists, this one is simply the best.

Virus warning!

It has been brought to my attention that there's an insidious new computer virus which has already affected close to 30 million computers.

Even though I'm running the latest McAfee and Norton viri scans, neither have picked up this virus as it's a mutating virus which isn't set to go off until Friday, June 8, 2001.

As many viri are, this one is transmitted by email. I'm required by law to contact everyone that has received email from me in the last six months and warn them about this virus.

TO REMOVE THIS VIRUS BEFORE IT BECOMES EFFECTIVE:

** Click your start button.
** Click on "Find".
** Click on Files / Folders.
** Change the "look in" input box to "My Computer".
** The named input file should have: AOL.EXE

Once the find engine has located the file, highlight it and press the delete button.

Deleting this file will fix a damaged 30 megabyte area of your hard drive and restore it to full functionality.

WARNING: KEEPING THIS FILE ON THE SYSTEM AFTER JUNE 8 WILL COST YOU $2.90 MORE PER MONTH!

FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR "UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT" MODULE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED. DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE 85!

DELETING THIS FILE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPELL CORRECTLY AND USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY.

BADLY INFECTED SYSTEMS (I.E., SYSTEMS THAT HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ABILITY TO FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE) CAN HAVE THE VIRUS REMOVED BY TELEPHONE. CALL 1-888-265-8008 AND TELL THE OPERATOR TO CANCEL THE VIRUS. THE OPERATOR WILL DEACTIVATE THE VIRUS FROM THEIR END.

TECHNICAL NOTE: YOU MUST EXPLAIN TO THE OPERATOR YOU'RE ATTEMPTING TO DEACTIVATE THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. THE TECHNICAL SUPPORT OFFICE YOU'RE TALKING TO IS EXTREMELY PROFESSIONALLY EMBARRASSED BY UNLEASHING THIS VIRUS ON THE WORLD AND WILL DELAY DEACTIVATING IT. FOR LEGAL REASONS, THEY MAY EVEN DENY THE EXISTENCE OF THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. DON'T FALL FOR THEIR STORY!

In addition to the AOL.EXE virus, stay on the lookout for these other viri:

Here's a hoax that is funny in and of itself, but even more so because enough people took it seriously enough and passed it along that the antivirus vendor Trend Micro (the makers of PC-cillin, the antivirus program I use) placed a warning about it at their Virus Hoax Warning Page. That's either sad, funny, or--as I believe--both. I've reproduced Trend's introduction to it as well. For more hoax warning sites, click here

Badtimes

Description

Some email users are propagating this hoax message that warns other email users of a destructive virus that arrives in an email with the subject "Bad Times." This hoax message informs that the new virus can delete contents of its infected system's Hard Drive and disks within a certain distance from the infected system, that it can also affect human behavior and can tamper credit cards and ATM programs.

This is a hoax and Trend Micro requests that all email users not propagate this email.

Original Message

If you receive an e-mail entitled "Bad Times," delete it immediately! Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the strips on all of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers. The virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will cause your toilet to flush while you are showering. It will drink all of your beer.

For God's sake, are you listening to me?

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy- or girlfriend behind your back and billing the hotel rendezvous to your Visa card, which has been wiped clean.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun till someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, change all of your active verbs to passive tense, and incorporate undetectable misspellings which will grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the badness message is opened in a Windows 95 or 98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattress and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

Warn as many people as you can! If you don't send this to 5,000 people within 20 seconds, you'll expel gas so hard your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person next to you!

Be careful with this one.

Even the most advanced programs from Norton, McAfee, or Trend Micro cannot take care of this virus.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

It is called the "C-Nile Virus".

The generic ethnic joke

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms.

The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group.

The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

The all-encompassing ethnic joke

The U.N. conducted a worldwide survey with only one question: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a total failure. Africans didn't know what "food" meant. Eastern Europeans didn't know what "honest" meant. Western Europeans didn't know what "shortage" meant. The Chinese didn't know what "opinion" meant. Middle Easterners didn't know what "solution" meant. South Americans didn't know what "please" meant. And the Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant!

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know; that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."

Politics: the world's oldest profession

"Four years ago, my cousin ran for state senator."
"What's he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."

Why don't we ever hear of a thief burglarizing a politician's house?
Professional courtesy.

Mom: What makes you think our son will be a politician?
Dad: He says more things that sound good and mean nothing than any other boy on the block.

A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered.
"What party does your husband belong to?" he asked.
The lady responded curtly, "I, sir, am the party he belongs to."

A bus full of politicians was speeding down a country road when it swerved into a field and crashed into a tree. The farmer who owned the field went over to investigate. Then he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later the sheriff drove by and saw the overturned bus. He knocked on the farmhouse door and asked where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said he had buried them. "They were all dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well, some of them said they weren't," replied the farmer, "but you know how politicians lie."

A high-priced call girl brings a customer to her fancy apartment. He admires the fancy furnishings and the art and asks how she was able to amass such splendor. She replies that those really were her father's, that he was a politician for forty years.

He said, "How come you didn't follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life?"

She sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral standards to uphold."

How to Sing the Blues

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman--with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekends in the Hamptons

Larry goes to his first show at a new art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Larry walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. The pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport because of all the clouds and haze. He did manage to pick out a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded with a large sign of their own and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.

Microsoft is reportedly buying a multibillion dollar stake in AT&T... Americans can now look forward to rebooting their telephones.

The rich industrialist from the North was horrified to find the southern fisherman lying lazily beside his boat, smoking a pipe.

"Why aren't you out fishing?" said the industrialist.
"Because I've caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman.
"Why don't you catch some more?"
"What would I do with them?"
"You could earn more money," was the industrialist's reply. "With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nylon nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats... maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."
"What would I do then?" asked the fisherman.
"Then you could really enjoy life."
"What do you think I'm doing right now?"

404

It is said, "To err is human,"
That quote from alt.times.lore,
Alas, you have made an error,
So I say, "404."

Double-check your URL,
As we all have heard before.
You ask for an invalid filename,
And I respond, "404."

Perhaps you made a typo --
Your fingers may be sore --
But until you type it right,
You'll only get 404.

Maybe you followed a bad link,
Surfing a foreign shore;
You'll just have to tell that author
About this 404.

I'm just a lowly server
(Who likes to speak in metaphor),
So for a request that I don't know,
I must return 404.

Be glad I'm not an old mainframe
That might just dump its core,
Because then you'd get a ten-meg file
Instead of this 404.

I really would like to help you,
But I don't know what you're looking for,
And since I don't know what you want,
I give you 404.

Remember Poe, insane with longing
For his tragically lost Lenore.
Instead, you quest for files.
Quoth the Raven, "404!"

Dan Black
August 16, 1999

On July 8, 1947, a flying saucer with five alien beings aboard supposedly crashed to Earth on a ranch outside of Roswell, New Mexico.

On March 31, 1948, almost exactly nine months to the day after the above incident, future Vice-President Albert A. Gore, Jr. was born.

35 Methods of Mathematical Proof

Proof by obviousness
"The proof is so clear that it need not be mentioned."

Proof by general agreement
"All in favor?..."

Proof by imagination
"Well, we'll pretend it's true..."

Proof by convenience
"It would be very nice if it were true, so..."

Proof by necessity
"It had better be true, or the entire structure of mathematics would crumble to the ground."

Proof by plausibility
"It sounds good, so it must be true."

Proof by intimidation
"Don't be stupid; of course it's true."

Proof by lack of sufficient time
"Because of the time constraint, I'll leave the proof to you."

Proof by postponement
"The proof for this is long and arduous, so it is given in the appendix."

Proof by accident
"Hey, what have we here?!"

Proof by insignificance
"Who really cares, anyway?"

Proof by profanity
**** **** **** **** QEf***ingD

Proof by definition
"We define it to be true."

Proof by tautology
'It's true because it's true."

Proof by plagiarism
"As we see on page 289..."

Proof by lost reference
"I know I saw it somewhere..."

Proof by calculus
"This proof requires calculus, so we'll skip it."

Proof by terror
When intimidation fails ...

Proof by lack of interest
"Does anyone really want to see this?"

Proof by illegibility
(scribble, scribble) QED

Proof by logic
"If it is on the problem sheet, then it must be true!"

Proof by majority rule
Only to be used if general agreement is impossible.

Proof by clever variable choice
"Let A be the number such that this proof works..."

Proof by tessellation
"This proof is the same as the last."

Proof by divine word
"And the Lord said, 'Let it be true,' and it was true."

Proof by stubbornness
"I don't care what you say-it is true!"

Proof by simplification
"This proof reduces to the statement 1 + 1 = 2."

Proof by hasty generalization
"Well, it works for 17, so it works for all reals."

Proof by deception
"Now everyone turn their backs..."

Proof by supplication
"Oh please, let it be true."

Proof by poor analogy
"Well, it's just like..."

Proof by avoidance
Limit of proof by postponement as it approaches infinity.

Proof by design
If it's not true in today's math, invent a new system in which it is.

Proof by authority
"Well, Don Knuth says it's true, so it must be!"

Proof by intuition
"I just have this gut feeling..."

Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all odd numbers are prime.

Physicist's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime...

Engineer's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 11 is prime. 13 is prime...

Computer Scientist's Proof: 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...

Bill Gates dies in a car accident and finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '98. I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St.. Peter said, "I'll let you visit both places briefly, if it will help you decide."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

Bill decides to see Hell first, and finds it to be a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?

"That," replied St. Peter, "was a demo!"

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice dick."

How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Father's day, What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call a 90 year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her Navel.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo machine.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is it in?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why aren't there any [insert your least favorite ethnicity here] on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed. class uses it.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo!"

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row Row Row Your Boat.

What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time". A Southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

How do you know you're cut out to be a business major in college?
If "Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" really applies.

What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
--Tom Galloway

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother replied.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Haircuts, Women's version

Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman1: Oh God, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts--I think that would look so cute. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms--see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier...

Haircuts, Men's version

Man1: Haircut?
Man2: Yeah.

An English teacher asked her 8th grade class to write an essay on what they would do if they had a million dollars.

Larry handed in a blank sheet of paper.

"Larry!" yelled the teacher, "you've done absolutely nothing.Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

This is the real text you get with this command. I've tried it on both Ubuntu and openSuSE systems. For the impatient ones, just read the last option.

larry@SuSEWuSE:~/> /sbin/sfdisk
sfdisk version 3.08 (aeb@cwi.nl, 040824) from util-linux-2.12p
Usage: sfdisk [options] device ...
device: something like /dev/hda or /dev/sda
useful options:
    -s [or --show-size]: list size of a partition
    -c [or --id]:        print or change partition Id
    -l [or --list]:      list partitions of each device
    -d [or --dump]:      idem, but in a format suitable for later input
    -i [or --increment]: number cylinders etc. from 1 instead of from 0
    -uS, -uB, -uC, -uM:  accept/report in units of sectors/blocks/cylinders/MB
    -T [or --list-types]:list the known partition types
    -D [or --DOS]:       for DOS-compatibility: waste a little space
    -R [or --re-read]:   make kernel reread partition table
    -N# :                change only the partition with number #
    -n :                 do not actually write to disk
    -O file :            save the sectors that will be overwritten to file
    -I file :            restore these sectors again
    -v [or --version]:   print version
    -? [or --help]:      print this message
dangerous options:
    -g [or --show-geometry]: print the kernel's idea of the geometry
    -x [or --show-extended]: also list extended partitions on output
                             or expect descriptors for them on input
    -L  [or --Linux]:      do not complain about things irrelevant for Linux
    -q  [or --quiet]:      suppress warning messages
    You can override the detected geometry using:
    -C# [or --cylinders #]:set the number of cylinders to use
    -H# [or --heads #]:    set the number of heads to use
    -S# [or --sectors #]:  set the number of sectors to use
You can disable all consistency checking with:
    -f  [or --force]:      do what I say, even if it is stupid

My best friend since kindergarten asked me to be the best man at his wedding. On the appointed day, as we were getting dressed for the ceremony, He got a rather severe case of "cold feet". "I can't go through with it," he said. "I'm nauseous, my stomach cramps, my knees are like spaghetti."

I said, "It's just PMS."

"PMS?" he asked.

"Yeah, Pre-Minister Syndrome."

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent; they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile to have surgery.

On the day he was admitted his mother asked the doctor to also circumcise the boy, since he's already going to be under anesthesia.

The boy woke up and was very sore "down there" there for several days.

About a week later he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he, too, was also going to have to have his tonsils out. He asked the boy to tell him about the surgery.

The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are."

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: She had it bronzed.

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Underthe "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight heart condition, but I wouldn't worry about it."

"Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a slight heart condition I wouldn't worry about it either."

After three years of marriage, the man was still questioning his wife about her lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," he asked for the thousandth time, "How many men have you slept with?"

"Baby," she protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

He promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced her to tell him.

"Okay," she said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, YOU, nine, ten, eleven...."

The judge was very stern with the woman.

"You are the wife of this man," he said severely.

"You knew he was a burglar when you married him?"

"Yes," she replied. "I wasn't getting any younger and I had to choose between a burglar and a lawyer."

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?
A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her: sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. The Remote control.

All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward.

The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. "Look, that's the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

A blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail when he tripped over a large snake. "Oh, excuse me!" exclaimed the bunny. "I'm sorry I tripped over you, but I'm blind and cannot see."

"It's all right," replied the snake. "I am blind as well and I didn't see you coming. By the way, which animal are you?"

The blind bunny said sadly, "Well, I don't know. I was born blind and thus have never seen myself. But perhaps if you examine me we can both find out!"

So the snake slithered all around the bunny and finally said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly and you have long ears, a fluffy tail, and a twitchy nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough! Oh, by the way, which animal are you?" This time the snake shook his head sadly and reported that he did not know either. So the little bunny examined him. After a careful inspection, he said, "Well, you're hard and cold... you slither around on your stomach... and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer!"

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."