Can God take a joke?

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever would believe in him would believe in anything."

I made my nine-year-old son get all dressed up for Easter church service. He didn't like that, of course, and thrashed and moaned all during the dress-up process.

Finally, as we were driving to church, he asks, "Why do I need to get dressed up at Easter?"

Thinking he didn't know the story of Easter, I reminded him about who Jesus was, and started to tell him about how Jesus died and rose from the dead to give us life everlasting.

He interrupted me. "Dad!" he shouted with a voice full of disgust. "No one ever told me Jesus was a ZOMBIE!"

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home.

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"

Her friend looked at her and solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."

Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me. He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and." After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?"

"Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."

16 Reasons Why God never received a Ph.D.

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt that He wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning His subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His Son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of His students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

A young couple dies in a car crash en route to their wedding. Arriving at the pearly gates, they ask St. Peter if they can get married in heaven, Peter says, "Kids, this is eternity. Wait 50 years, then we'll see."

Fifty years pass, and they tell Peter they still want to wed. Again they are told, "Don't rush, come back in 50 years."

On the appointed day they return and say, "It's been a century, Peter, please don't make us wait any longer."

Peter replies, "Okay, okay, just wait 50 more years. I promise, if we don't have a clergyman up here by then, I'll do it myself."

In 1951, Andre Gide died in Paris at the age of 81. A few days later a telegram with Gide's signature appeared on a bulletin board in a hall of the Sorbonne: "Hell doesn't exist. Better notify Claudel." Paul Claudel, a Catholic mystic poet, had once tried--unsuccessfully--to convert Gide.

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Frank Perdue is granted a private audience with the Pope.

"Your Holiness," he says, "I've heard that the church has suffered some real financial reversals, so I am here with a proposal that can benefit both of us. I'm prepared to donate a hundred million dollars to the church, provided you make one small change in the Lord's prayer where it says, 'Give us this day, our daily bread.' Well, I'd like you to consider changing just the end of the line to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

The Pope is taken aback. "That's a most unusual request," he says, "but certainly a substantial kindness that you're offering the church. Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals, and I'll be back in touch with you in a few days."

When Perdue leaves the Pope convenes an emergency meeting of the Cardinals. "Boys," he says, "I think we're going to have to review the Wonder Bread account."

With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw.

"If you believe in me enough to give me $50," he said, "I will grant you eternal life."

"Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never believed in God."

God walked up to another man and made the same offer. "Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not," the guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in case."

As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not," he said excitedly. "But teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100."

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee headed by Peter and, after a whirlwind tour of heaven, he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in to find the Pope distraught in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R!' The scribes left out the 'R!'" A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem isn. After collecting himself, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R.' They left out the 'R.' The word was supposed to be celebrate!"

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, "What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means 'woman'?"

The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up. "Aunt, your Holiness."

The Pope didn't speak for a second. "Oh." He paused. "Do you have an eraser?"

A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he dozed off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "...and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God all mighty!"

The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "...and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?" The wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"

The minister said, "That's right, that's right!" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" The wife started to poke her husband and he jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it in half!"

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the clergyman was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the clergyman smiled, satisfied that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."

Father Callahan found himself next to Rabbi Goldberg at a charity function and could not help but notice that the Rabbi was picking at his food as though he suspected it of being less than kosher. Smiling slyly, the good priest whispered, "Come now, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and eat a nice slice of ham?"

"At your wedding, Father," said the Rabbi.

Emo Phillips's prayer: "Please Lord, break the laws of the universe for my convenience."

The Bible professor dropped his stack of essays on the desk and looked into the sea of anxious faces.

"Everyone passed," he said. "Except O'Dolin."

The young student looked up with genuine surprise. "Professor," he said, "I thought my paper on Jesus was revolutionary!"

"That it was," the professor agreed, "though I hardly consider it 'proof' that Jesus was Jewish simply because he went into his father's business, lived at home until he was thirty, and had a mother that thought he was God."

Eve noticed that Adam seemed unusually joyful and happy and, being a somewhat suspicious type, wondered if he might have another woman. When she asked Adam about this, he assured her that it could not be, because God had only made two people and he told her that she had no reason to be jealous.

Eve still had her doubts and she went to God with her concern. God laughed and told her that it was silly. He, too, assured her that he had made only one man and one woman and that she should trust Adam.

Even so, while Adam slept that night, she counted his ribs.

These churches could use a good copy editor.

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

A young Baptist preacher was getting his pulpit experience in central Florida. He went to the Bishop with a problem. He told the Bishop that it appeared that someone in the congregation had apparently stolen his Bible.

Now this Bible meant a great deal to the young preacher. It had been given to him by his parents when he was ordained. It was black leather with "THE HOLY BIBLE" in gold letters, and his name. It was a beautiful book and the Bishop, a wise and understanding man, assured the young man the Bible had not been stolen, but only borrowed by someone. He suggested the young preacher should give the sermon on the coming Sunday and talk on the Ten Commandments. The Bishop told him that he should be very enthusiastic when he got to, "Neither shalt thou steal," and to really put his heart into it and with emotion and righteousness drive home the point. With that approach, the borrowed of the Bible would come forward and return it.

That Sunday the Ten Commandments sermon was delivered while the Bishop stayed in the background and listened. The sermon, while interesting, lacked emotion and no particular attention was given to "Neither shalt thou steal."

Later, back at the rectory, the Bishop asked what had happened and why the sermon lacked the passion it should have had. The reply was, "Well, everything was going along fine until I got to, "Neither shalt thou commit adultery," and I remembered where I left my Bible."

Rebuking her small child for not going to church willingly, his mother said, "You go to the movies for entertainment and you go down to Freddie's house, and over to Tommie's house, and you have a nice time. Now don't you think it's only right that once a week you should go to God's house, just for one hour?"

The boy thought it over and said, "But Mom, what would you think if you were invited to somebody's house and every time you went, the fellow was never there!"

Larry comes home from Sunday School and his father asks him what he learned. The boy says, "Well, there were these good guys from Israel that were living in Egypt. They were being chased out of the country by the bad guys and things were not going too well. All they had were some worn out trucks and their guns were old and they were out of ammunition. The bad guys, the Egyptians, had a big army, tanks and rockets. It looked like it was all over because the good guys had retreated to the Red Sea and they didn't have any boats or airplanes or anything. When suddenly their general, a man named Moses, called for air support via satellite, and a bunch of jets came in and blasted the Egyptians. Then some submarines showed up and took everybody on board. They all got away and then paratroopers came in and mopped up what was left of the bad guys."

"Are you sure that's what you learned from your Sunday School teacher?" gasped his father.

Larry said, "Well, not exactly, but if I told it to you the way he told it to me, you'd never believe it."

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he said.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get thee behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," replied his wife. "He said 'You look great from here too.'"

A preacher's wife proofread his Sunday sermon and wrote next to one paragraph: "Weak point--shout loud."

God is real, unless declared integer.

I saw God. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?

Pat Robertson happened to be seated between an astronomer and apologist Josh McDowell and the conservation turned to the heavens. The astronomer began to explain the laws of motion and gravity and how Newton had painstakingly worked out the movement of bodies in the solar system.

Robertson said, "I notice no mention of God in your explanation of motion of the planets."

"I had no need for that hypothesis, Reverend," said the astronomer politely.

The apologist quickly remarked, "But it is a beautiful hypothesis, just the same. It can be used to explain so many things."

God is love
Love is blind
Ray Charles is blind
Therefore, Ray Charles is God

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"

They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."

And Jesus replied, "What?

God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.

"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.

"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.

"Well, how about Mercury?"

"No, it's too hot there."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"

"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."

Two guys were going for a walk and they passed by a church. One man says "Hey, can you wait just a minute?"

The other sure says, "Sure."

The first man goes in and sees that confession is going on, so he stands in line, goes in and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned; it's been a while since my last confession."

The priest says, "Son, tell me your sins."

"Well Father, I have committed adultery with two married women."

"For the first part of your penance you must say 3 Our Fathers and 6 Hail Marys. You also must tell me who the women are that you committed adultery with."

"Father, I can't do that!"

"Son, it is extremely important for your forgiveness. Are they women in this parish? Was it Mrs. Phillips?"

"Well, I... no... I don't feel comfortable with this. I just can't."

"Was it Mrs. Brown? Son, you must come clean."

"Gosh, Father, I don't know. I'm sorry, but I don't want to tell you their names."

"Son, because you will not tell me, you are banished from the church for six months!"

The man leaves the church and his friend says "So, how did it go?"

The man says, "It went great--I got two good leads and six months off."

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," the boy informed him.

Religion As A Business

While being accosted by a certain aggressive Fundamentalist sect the other day it dawned on me that the major world's religions have fundamental mindsets, styles, and procedures not unlike those of popularly-known businesses. For example, consider the world's major religions:

HINDUISM: Much like an import market -- a wide variety of curios, trinkets, bizarre weapons, and grotesque statuary; colorful, gaudy, elaborate, and of questionable taste. The building has several floors but there are no stairs between them.
BUDDHISM: An arts shop with a range of elegant and sophisticated curios pleasing to the eye and harmonious to the mind, though not necessarily of much practical use. However, you must buy one of everything ... but if you just want to browse, that's OK too.
JUDAISM: A large banking concern that's been in the family for generations. Plush carpet, nice leather chairs, memorabilia of the past arranged on the walls; generally they prefer to deal with insiders but if your money's good they'll talk a deal.
ISLAM: A going concern but it's hard to say precisely in what business. Active in oil trading but the front door usually has a CLOSED -- GET LOST sign on it. Those who venture in the front door anyway may not be seen again for several years except in fuzzy videotapes and mumbling that they are still in good health.

Since we in the West are familiar with a wide variety of different Christian sects, it is appropriate to take a more specific focus (as we would not, say, on Sunni versus Shiite Islam, despite the glaring differences between these two often-hostile factions):

CATHOLICISM: Less a single business than an entire shopping mall governed by centralized management and providing a range of services from educational tools to some *extremely* high-class antique shops. Note, however, that when you go in the entrance the sign says: THE MANAGEMENT IS ALWAYS RIGHT -- and they *mean* it.
MORMONISM: A large Western-Wear Feed-and-Grain store with a large stock of plain goods at reasonable prices, and an aggressive international door-to-door and mail-order program. Very much a family concern but governed by an ideological background capable of reducing an innocent passerby to a state of catatonia in matter of seconds.
BAPTISM: A southern barbecue pit -- but no music, no dancing, and the bar is always closed. If you seem to be enjoying yourself, you will be asked to leave.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: The Franklin Mint of religions ... roughly aimed at the same economic and intellectual level and producing goods of similar style and taste.
UNITARIANISM: A book-of-the-month club that refuses to actually state what their policy is but in reality deals in large, heavy, dull books with obscure titles, tiny print, massive numbers of footnotes, and no pictures. Going slowly out of business.
$CIENTOLOGY: Comparing $cientology to a business is redundant.

Bible Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuelah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

The Bible in 50 words

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.

Jesus and Elvis

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is part of the Trinity.
Elvis's first band: a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis's entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Matthew was one of Jesus' biographers. (The Gospel of Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis's biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

"Jesus' clothes became a dazzling white" (Mark 9:3)
Elvis's snow-white jumpsuits dazzled audiences.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Jesus: the Lamb of God.
Elvis: had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis's father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis's favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

A $20 bill and a $1 were bill on the conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve Building. As they were laying there side by side, the $1 bill said to the $20 bill, "Hey man, where've you been? I haven't seen you in a long time!"

The $20 bill replied, "Man I've been having a ball! I've been traveling to distant countries, going to the finest restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, numerous boutiques, the mall uptown, the mall downtown, the mall across town and even a mall that was just built. In fact, just this week I've been to Europe, an NBA game, Rodeo Drive, the all day retreat spa, the top-notch hair salon and the new casino! I've done it all!"

After describing his great travels, the $20 bill asked the $1 bill, "What about you? Where have you been?"

The $1 bill replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian church, the Church of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the Mormon church, the church of the Latter Day Saints, the A.M.E. church, the Disciple of Christ church, the..."

"Wait a minute! Wait a minute!" interrupted the $20 bill. "What's a church?"

Three men were floating on the ocean in a lifeboat after their boat sank. One said to the other, "Let's do something religious. Can you pray?"

"No, prayer was never my thing," he replied. "I never prayed in my life."

Turning to the other, "There must be something we can do religiously. Can you sing a hymn?"

"No, but I learned 'When the Saints Go Marching In' in a bar in New Orleans. That's the closest thing I know to a hymn," he answered.

"That just don't sound right. There must be something we can do religiously. I know! Let's take up an offering."

How many churchgoers does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual l light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, five or six professors to search the Bible for authorization and then two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and some faithful women to make a casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide.

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees.... And eats nuts...." No hands went up. "And it is gray.... It has a long bushy tail...." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch.... It chatters and flips its tail when it's excited...."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I KNOW the answer must be Jesus--but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.

When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it!"

A fine funeral was ordered for a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of the cat and dog with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.

"Well," commented one of the mourners, "sounds like she got where she was going."

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didnt have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I dont think it will work, but you sure have faith!"

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18":
"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But only the janitor was there.

One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now, go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Catholic, because they pour the water on you. We're not Baptist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methodist because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yes. Why, what do you think that means?"

"That means we're Episcopalians."

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

The temporary Sunday school teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

A learned Rabbi took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The Rabbi stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat.

The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Rabbi. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

A few years ago, there was a news story on the radio about a Jewish synagogue that had a problem with the Baptists down the street. Some Jews were unable to find a space in their own parking lot because members of the nearby Baptist church, which met earlier in the morning for revival meetings, got there first. So the Jewish synagogue had a problem.

Now they could have towed the Baptist's cars away. Or they could have patrolled their lot Saturday mornings. Or they could have written a letter to the offending church members, imploring them to park elsewhere, but they didn't.

Instead, they used bumper stickers. One Saturday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in the lot--Baptist and Jewish alike. The sticker read: "I'M PROUD TO BE JEWISH!"

The parking lot problems ceased.

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a priest sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Father, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist.

They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, "Fetch the Bible."

The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog.

That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?"

"Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!"

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will?

The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

Only the third church succeeded in keeping away the pests. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"

The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed.
The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?"
The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.
The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out.
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded there was no fire.
The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a report.
And the UNITARIANS shouted "Every man for himself!"

Did you heard they ran the local agnostic out of town? Yep. Somebody burned a question mark on his lawn.

I got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:

The other day I went up to a local Christian Bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO!, GO!, JESUS CHRIST, LET'S GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Now everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about an "old sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing--Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, just grinning from ear to ear, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all that Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and hens he kept in the church henhouse. But one Saturday night, the rooster went missing. The priest had heard about cockfights being staged in the village, so after Sunday morning's sermon he asked his parishioners, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men raised their hands. "No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women raised their hands. "No, wait," he said, "What I meant to ask is has anyone seen my cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, and another priest raised their hands, while a goat bleated outside!

A man prays to God. God appears and the man says, "Lord! Our billions of years are your one second. Our billions of dollars are merely a penny for you. Could you grant me a penny?"

God smiles, says "Certainly! Back in a second..." and disappears.

The new Sunday school teacher finished the day's lesson and asked for questions. Little Johnny raised his hand. "Mr. Smith, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Yes."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Correct."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Romans, right?"

"Yes," agreed Mr. Smith. "So what's your question, Johnny?"

"What I wanna know is: what were all the grown-ups doing?"

One day a man called the church office. He said, "May I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"

The caller repeated, "May I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as Pastor, or Reverend, or Brother, but we do not refer to him as 'the head hog at the trough'!"

The man replied, "Oh. I was going to donate $100,000 to the building fund...."

Before he could end his sentence, the secretary interjected, "Hang on. I think that fat pig just walked in!"

A mother and her five-year-old son were headed for McDonald's when they passed an auto accident. Mom thought it would be nice if they prayed for those who might have been injured, so she asked Timmy, "Shall we say a little prayer?"

From the back seat, Timmy solemnly intoned, "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's!"

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned."

"What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted."

"Tell me about it."

Steve related his story. "Father, I'm a deliveryman for UPS and yesterday, while making a delivery in an affluent neighborhood, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen opened her door dressed in a sheer negligee that hid nothing. She told me her husband was out of town and invited me inside."

"And what did you do then, my son?"

"Father, I did not enter that house, but I did lust. Oh, how I lusted!"

"Your sin is forgiven," replied the priest. "and you will receive your reward in heaven."

"Thank you, Father," said Steve. "What do you think my reward will be?" The priest replied, "Probably a bale of hay, you dumb ass!"

The Dentist's Hymn - "Crown Him With Many Crowns"
The TV Weatherman's Hymn - "There Shall Be Showers of Blessing"
The Contractor's Hymn - "The Church's One Foundation"
The Tailor's Hymn - "Holy, Holy, Holy"
The Golfer's Hymn - "There Is A Green Hill Far Away"
The Politician's Hymn - "Standing on the Promises"
The Optometrist's Hymn - "Open Mine Eyes That I Might See"
The IRS Hymn - "All to Thee"
The Gossiper's Hymn - "Pass It On"
The Electrician's Hymn - "Send the Light"
The Shopper's Hymn - "Sweet By and By"

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at Our Lady of Perpetual Agony grammar school.

"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.

"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich televangelist, known to all and loved by many.

"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"

Larry raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

A Sunday school teacher asked her second graders if anyone knew another name for God. She was picturing answers like 'Lord' or 'Almighty'.

After a long moment of silence a little boy raised his hand and said, "Howard."

"Howard?" replied the confused teacher.

"You know," continued the boy, "Howard be thy name."

After church, Robbie tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "Pastor," Robbie says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter asks him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Many centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered to hold a religious debate with someone from the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, otherwise they would have to leave.

The Jewish people picked the wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. But, since Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. At the debate, the Pope sat opposite Rabbi Moishe for a full minute before he raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe reacted by raising one finger. Then the Pope waved one finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground. The Pope held up a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope rose, declared that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, that he was beaten, and the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals asked the Pope the meaning of what they had seen. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers representing the Holy Trinity. He responded with one finger, reminding us all that there is only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Next, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind us all of original sin. Obviously, he had me beaten. I could not continue."

Meanwhile, in the Jewish community, the elders wanted an explanation from Rabbi Moishe. "I haven't a clue what happened," said Moishe. "First, he said we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours!' Then he said the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said, 'Oh, yeah? We're staying right here!' Finally, he took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church, enters a confessional booth, and sits down but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'; there's no paper on this side either."

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

Later, she was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."