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An able-bodied seaman
meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their
adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye
patch the seaman asks,
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the
cape and a giant wave
swept me overboard. Just as they were puling `me out, a school of
sharks appeared and one of `em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman.
"What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boarding `a
trader ship, pistols blasting `and swords swinging `this way
and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!", remarked the seaman.
"And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into me eye," answered the
pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor
asked, incredulously.
"Well" said the pirate, " it was me first day with
the hook"
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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about
trying these techniques at home.
""Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,"
the expert explained. "She made lots of trips
between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day
I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things
at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to
take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take
pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane
would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before
sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He
jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the
wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the
photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going
to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean,
you're not my instructor?"
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A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a
pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her,
"hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the
parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really
ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she
saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you
are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and
threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store
manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say
it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to
her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know."
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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over,
made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish,
too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled
"It really works!"
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When my daughter Kelli was 3, she and my son Cody would say their
nightly prayers together. As most children do, we have to bless
every family member,every friend, and every animal current and
past. For several weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer,
Kelli would say "And all girls".
As this soon became part of her nightly routine to include this at
the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli,
why do you always add the part about all girls?".
Her response: "Because we always finish our prayers by saying
All Men!"
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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of
the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure
they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago,
that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus
today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little LeRoy, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I
know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited
for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few
very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked LeRoy
how he knew this.
Little LeRoy replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still
in there?'!"
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A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a
Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly,
the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best
efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally
the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they
had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives,
so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I
deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've
lived a long and full life. You are young and have your
whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in
peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said,
"Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world
just took off with my backpack."
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Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never
quite agree on any topic of discussion.
One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his
Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of
thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on
water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out in a boat duck
hunting. This he did.
They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot
down a duck...the dog immediately walked out across the water,
retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat. The Optimist
looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think
about that?"
The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"
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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy
house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with
the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're shorthanded, Smith" the boss replies. "I
can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on
you!"
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