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A duck walks into a
feed store and asks, "Got any duck food?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it and
the owner hates ducks, so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks,
"Got any duck food?"
Again the clerk says "No" and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in, and again asks, "Got any duck
feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you once. I've told you
twice. Now I'm telling you for the third time. NO, WE
DON'T HAVE ANY DUCK FOOD!. We've never HAD duck food and we never
WILL have duck food. If you ask me again, I'll nail your stupid
webbed feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any
nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck food?"
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A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they
had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at
half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke
down and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the
train had stopped, and made the following announcement,
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad
news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we
will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you
decided to take the train and not fly."
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For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his
rural county to the city to attend a movie...
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to
purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't
help but comment,
"You know, the last time I came to the movies, popcorn was
only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin,
"You're really going to enjoy yourself tonight! We have sound
now."
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Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish
firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job,
and both applicants having the same qualifications, the department
manager asked them to take a test to determine who would get the
job.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the
questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you
for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the
American."
The Irishman replied, "And why would you be doing that?
We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me
being Irish I think I should get the job!"
The manager replied, "We have made our decision based not on
the number of correct answers, but on the question you
missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the
other?" "Simple. The American put down on question
#5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on
the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be
quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
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Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He
makes me terribly nervous."
"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman
replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth."
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On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on
the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing
with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to
McDonald's. May I take you order?"
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During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents
young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money,
and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm
leaving. Don't try to stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and
followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try
and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father.
"If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
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Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry
humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog
was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Thirty dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed.
"That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always
trying to over charge summer visitors. What do you do in the
winter, when we're not here getting ripped off ?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
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During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note
between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals
were crushing little animals and at halftime, the coach made a
passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The
first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play,
the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was
thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly,
"Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did" said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard
loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"SO WHERE WERE YOU IN THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the
coach.
"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles
taped."
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