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There was this lady who
was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on
forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the
service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking
gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello,
I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, " You're not the only one ma'am,
I'm glad it's done too!!!"
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are
all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or
'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice, Leroy's, at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher . . . she's dead."
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Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something
to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol'
Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly
died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time,
so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that
he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred
died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just
before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred,
I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your
left--you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
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A man got a call from his doctor who said
"I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you
rather hear first?"
The man says "The bad news."
The doctor says "The lab messed up your tests and when they
re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!"
The man exclaimed "What could be more terrible than
that!!??"
The doctor replied "we tried all day yesterday to get hold of
you but your phone was busy!"
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A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together
fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going
to go over to that shore and sit down."
So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down
on the shore.
Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go
over there to join him."
So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the
shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it,
so can I!"
So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.
The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should've
told him where the rocks were?"
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A father is in church with three of his young children, including
his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the
very front row so that the children could properly witness the
service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the
baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was
taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring
water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her
father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that
baby??"
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A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his
father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the
car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy,
"I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring yourgrades up from
a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair
cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that
he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After
about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about
the car. Again they went to the study where his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades
up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and
participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday
morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair
cut."
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know,
Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies
of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John
the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that
Jesus Himself had long hair."
To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did
you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"
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Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table,
reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about
a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who
was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face.
"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most
attractive wives."
Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
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A businessman is flying to a very important meeting in another
city on a four engine airplane. About 15 minutes into the flight
one of the engines malfunctions and the pilot informs the
passengers of the problem and assures them they can continue to
fly, but there will be a 20 minute delay in their arrival
schedule. The businessman looks at his watch and figures he should
make the meeting well in time. 10 minutes later another engine
conks-out and the captain reassures the passengers that there is
nothing to worry about - the plane can still fly but the arrival
time will now be about an hour later than planned. The businessman
looks at his watch and calculates that he will still make the
meeting on-time but it will be close. Half an hour goes by and a
third engine gives out. The captain tells the passengers to please
remain calm the plane is fully capable of flying on a single
engine but there will be a further 1 and a half hour delay. The
businessman throws his arms up in the air in despair and exclaims
- "If that last engine chokes we're going to be up here all
day!"
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Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front
door and call the guests' names as they arrive."
Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to
do that for years."
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