Chapter 8
Develop Trust
Many group leaders find, especially in the first few meetings of their group, that people are reluctant to reveal themselves. Most of the interaction remains in the "safe zone." When asked to share information, group members respond openly, but many people don't share much of their feelings or needs.
In many cases, openness may depend on the group rules of the group. If it is a "closed" group where members will remain the same over a period of time, helping people to open up can be easier. However, if different people attend every week, including newcomers, developing trust and breaking into new depths of open relationships can be more difficult.
How People Avoid Being Open
People avoid disclosing themselves in many ways. One way is through humor. When feeling pressed or uncomfortable by a question, some people respond by making a joke. This helps them to take the tension off their area of discomfort without being embarrassed. "Sure my wife knows I love her. I kissed her two weeks ago."
When some people feel uneasy about exposing their feelings, they may shift the discussion to talk about other people. They may cite an example on the subject, either from the Bible or from people they know. This example can often focus on the negative performance of someone else. "That's the treatment I always get from Jane . . . ."
Still another way to avoid uncovering inner needs is to change the subject. "Speaking of trusting God with our future, I've always wondered–will we know each other in Heaven?"
Not saying anything also avoids answering difficult questions. Just silence. Long, uncomfortable silence.
This can be especially unnerving to a group leader who is trying to keep the discussion on track. The leader often finds it awkward to continue to restate the question or redirect discussion onto the subject matter, but it must be done.
Relationship Building Exercise
The guarded responses that people give at the beginning stage of a small group are normal. For the first weeks, or even months, leaders may encounter a resistance to questions that require transparency. But you can take steps to encourage openness.
To help her group to open up to one another, one group leader set aside time each week to do a relationship building game or group exercise. This included using non-threatening approaches to help others open up. Some examples are:
1. Two Truths and a Lie
Ask each group member to write down his or her answers to three questions. On two of the answers, they are to tell the truth, and on the other question, they should tell a believable lie.
The questions might be:
- "What was your favorite game when you were a child?"
- "What is your favorite television program now?"
- "Where would you most like to go on a vacation?"
As each group member shares his or her answers, the group tries to guess which one is the lie.
2. Sometimes I Feel This Way
Give each group member a lump of clay or pipe cleaner, and ask them to shape it to show how they feel about their relationship with God. After group members have finished shaping their answers, ask them to explain what they have made and what it indicates.
3. Play a Game
You may want to play a party game or do an outdoor activity together to build better relationships. This often helps group members because, many times, they only see one another when in your group discussion meeting. By sharing food together and doing a fun activity, they can develop a more well-rounded appreciation for one another.
Your Example of Trust
Perhaps the most fundamental way to encourage people to trust you is by first trusting them. As leader, you can do this by revealing your feelings, problems, and hopes to your group. This can be done over a period of time through the natural course of group discussions.
When asking a question that requires self-disclosure, you can lead the discussion by answering first. Your example should encourage some of the others in your group to follow. Your candid answers pave the way for greater trust within your group. Along with this candor, you may wish to explain to group members that they should be sensitive to what others say and reveal in your meetings. Many comments may not be appropriate for members to share outside of the context of your group meeting.
An important "don't" in the process of developing trust is—don't talk about other people, especially in derogatory ways. It is harder for people who have strong opinions about people and issues to develop trust with other people. When a leader speaks negatively about someone else, group members will probably begin to wonder, "What does he or she say about me when I'm not around?" This creates a barrier to an open, trusting relationship.
Your loving and concerned attitude towards others will not only help members of your group to feel comfortable with you and each other, but also will set an example for their conversations.
Minister Outside the Meeting
Successful group leaders also are active in ministering to members' needs outside of the group meeting. You could help someone with a project, meet for prayer and support, or have group members in your home individually. All of these activities open channels of trust and enable a group leader to increasingly minister to the group.
An important consideration is when to ask your pastor to be involved in meeting a special need. People in your group may reveal personal concerns that you feel ill equipped to meet. When you need assistance in dealing with a member's problem, it is often best to just ask the person, "Do you mind if I talk to our pastor about this?" Being open with people in this way continues to contribute to a strong trust relationship.
Summary
Small discussion groups often begin by sharing information and not inner feelings. A small group should grow into a warm, open fellowship where people feel comfortable revealing their triumphs and failures as they grow in Christ. As a group leader, you can encourage openness by being open yourself and providing activities for your group that promote trust. You can promote trust by trusting your group with information about yourself and by ministering to members outside of the group meeting.
The rewards of a trusting relationship are the spiritual strides made by the group members because they were able to get beyond surface conversation and trust others to help them grow.
How to
Squash Enthusiasm in Your Group
Maintain a theoretical and intellectual atmosphere during your meetings. Lace your discussion with names like Barth, Schleiermacher, Tillich, and Kant. Never allow personal ideas or feelings to be shared.
Be sure to shape the opinions of your group members by quickly criticizing the actions and motives of other church members.
Things to do in a leaders' meetings
- Locate and discuss biblical examples of things that were said and done that promoted trust or were a barrier to a trusting relationship.
- Discuss what to do when someone in a group is too open, revealing embarrassing information about themselves that makes others feel uncomfortable.
- Discuss what you plan to do to promote a more trusting relationship in your group.