Darkovan Inquirer, Back Issues for 2002

Disturbing Trend

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Word has reached us that among certain social sets, it has become fashionable to drink an imported Terranan liquor called “rum” insetead of the local firi. We wonder what this will do to our planet’s already eroded balance of trade?

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Advertisement

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Midwinter shopping has never been simpler on Darkover. Sales via the Overworld have been brisk during this holiday season. Even leroni snowbound in their Towers can be prepared for gift-giving. Al Gore the 75th, who takes credit for inventing the Overworld, is providing access via his new company, DarkoLink Net. Sign up today and receive the first cadredi of access for free!

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Issue #189, 25 January 2002

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Sole Food

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In the interest of economy, a new addition has been made to the wardrobe of traveling Guardsmen: edible boots. A Guardsman who finds himself isolated and unable to locate provisions can now simply cook his footgear and eat it for sustenance. We understand that many Guardsmen have given up using talc in their boots in favor of garlic and pepper. It certainly couldn’t make their feet smell any worse.

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Walls of Jericho

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The Shelters along the River Road have been updated to offer more privacy to co-ed traveling parties. A curtain is now provided so that ladies can sleep, dress, and gossip out of sight of men. It can also be lowered quickly if something happens one night. Let us hope a horn is provided to warn the ladies in this case!

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Heir-Raising Tale

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After the complaints from Darkovans for Traditional Values, Lord Danvan has set aside his plans to succeed himself via cloning. Instead, he has decided to provide a hand-picked heir the old-fashioned way: seduction. Lady Fianna Ridenow-Storn was seen entering his suites in her most fashionable clothing and delicate perfumes. We hope Dom Marcello will not be hanging around her for this visit; the idea of the near-dead sleeping with the ought-to-stay-dead is more than even we can stomach.

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Speaking of Hard to Stomach...

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Customers at Leisha’s Sweet Shop were recently treated to an appearance by Frank Barber. You know there’s a problem when Mestru Barber’s “personal odor” can overpower the smell of chocolate and cinnamon which pervades Leisha’s.

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Advertisement

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The Nearly New Hastur Shoppe is now offering discounts for its annual sale. All goods are guaranteed castoffs from the Hastur family. Fortunate shoppers can purchase blue gowns, azure shawls, ultramarine gloves, navy cloaks, indigo stockings, cobalt hair combs, and sapphire brooches. We regret to inform the public, however, that the Wedgwood jasperware is sold out.

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Issue #191 2 February 2002

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Riding with Style?

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The United Board of Equine Riding is protesting the latest fashion of being carried like a sack of whiteroots across the front of a saddle—first a street urchin and now a newly promoted Second Year Cadet. When will this madness end? Surely if people can sit up straight, they can sit in a saddle! Rumors that riding drills will be handed out as punishments instead of the usual stable duty have not been confirmed.

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Illegal Chocolate Haul?

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A long caravan slowly winds its way from Thendara to Dalereuth and should arrive shortly after the Chocolate Festival ends at Storn. No one knows what exactly it is carrying but rumors suggest that it contains huge crates marked “Terran Chocolate” that are addressed to our favorite Fool of Valeron Plains. The drivers are protesting charges that they are delivering the crates from some underground criminal gang in Thendara, despite the return address of “MOBS” on the crates. The DI is still investigating.

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Kidnapped!

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We have just received word that bandits attacked the Elhalyn caravan as they were approaching the Dondavi River. One of the guards in Dom Auster’s employ used the cover of the attack to seize Lady Stone Haven and carry her away like a sack of tubers. Apparently the traitors are not all in the Thendara Guard! Several of the other guards have suffered grievous injuries; no word yet on Dom Auster’s status. There are reports that Orain Lindir, his coridom, was killed in the attack, but that has not been confirmed.

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Friendly Fire

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The bandits may have gotten more than they bargained for when they attacked Dom Auster’s caravan; the carriage carrying Lady Stone Haven also bore a load of highly illegal Terranan explosives. It caught on fire during the attack and blew up, creating mass panic and damage. There were also reports of several burns, including a rumor that Lady Sabrina had lost her hair in the explosion. The cortes members are looking into the prospect of fining Lord Stone Haven for his transgressions, and several personal injury attorneys are en route to Stone Haven in the hope of locating clients. Representatives of the Happy Dragon Fireworks Company have denied all knowledge of Dom Auster’s plans when he purchased their goods, or his intent to take them off Vainwal.

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Thinking Ahead

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Business has been brisk in the Thendara dress shops this Midwinter season due to the large number of weddings that have suddenly been scheduled. Several of the brides-to-be have been purchasing maternity clothing and their wedding gowns at the same time. Perhaps this is a new fashion trend?

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Missing

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Ruyven Haldar was reported missing by his mother this morning. Although he is fourteen and officially a man, she is concerned for his well-being. Ruyven has curly dark red hair, green eyes, and basically resembles every other young Comyn in town. He was last reported seen at the Red Sun House with a bad haircut and an oversized cadet uniform. We also understand that Kennard Hastur is interested in locating this young man, possibly to file an Intent-to-Murder on him. If you see young Ruyven, you can make his mother grateful by notifying her; you can also earn 25 reis if you notify Dom Kennard as well.

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Serrais or Armida?

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The return of Dom Gabriel Alton y Ridenow has created concern among those who pay attention to politics within each Domain. Conventional wisdom states that Dom Gabriel plans to challenge Dom Dyan for control of the Ridenow Domain. Our sources, however, indicate that his real goal is to take over Alton, deposing the reclusive Domna Yllana and forcing Dom Eduin to step aside as her heir. When we finally reached Dom Gabriel for comment, he refused to rule out a power play in either Domain.

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Issue #192, 9 February 2002

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The Mark Of...?

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Since the attack on the Elhalyn caravan, the bandit problem has come to the attention of everyone along the River Road. Citizens traveling the roads go in groups and take their dogs with them. There even appears to be a vigilante: several bandits were found in a mass grave near the Dondavi, slain by sword. No visible clue was left as to this avenger's identity, but the citizens report that their dogs could smell a clue on the bodies. Perhaps he planned to write his name, but there was insufficient snow.

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**hore Leave?

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At least one man in Thendara seems immune to the charms of the ladies of the Red Sun House. The Haldars’ coachman was seen pleading not with his mistress not to make him go. He even made himself a traffic hazard by driving overly slow in the morning rush hour traffic. To make matters worse, to provide the man with some long overdue recreation, Lady Alida was forced to enter the house and make private arrangements with the owner to have a girl go fetch the reluctant man. We hope he will be cured of his ailment shortly.

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Sports News

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Interest in horse racing is enjoying a resurgence in the Domains; people everywhere are discussing which type of horse is faster: the Armida blacks or Alan Ridenow's Stormrunner, also known as “Big Red”? Rumor has it that the MacArans claim their own blacks could outrun either breed. With the proper sponsorship, the Darkover Derby could be revived. We understand that the Elhalyn Royals were not bred for speed, but they could provide an interesting dancing exhibition between races if they were given bandits as dance partners.

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Death By Chocolate...?

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The sculptures at the annual Chocolate Festival at Storn are so bold that they can even be seen from the air. Domna Emelda Hastur-Harris, recently returned from Terra, was en route to Edelweiss but had to make a detour when she spotted the displays. Alas, Frank Barber made a no-point landing into the main attraction, a larger-than-life chocolate statue of Marcello Ridenow. Oh well! Any landing one can walk away from is a good one, eh, Frank? And it’s even better if you can lick your fingers afterward.

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Dirty Ditties at Dalereuth

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Most of the artistry being displayed this week has been at the Chocolate Festival, but a cultural demonstration is being given in Dalereuth as well. Kallia Ardais has been performing some of the traditional Darkovan songs for the Tower students. Among the songs in her repertoire are “Donal, Where’s Your Trousers” and one on how virgins taste. At least she drew the line at “Dom Kyril’s Nedestros Are We.”

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Alton Rumors Cause Distress

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Armida is still rife with rumors that Dom Garbriel plans to take over the Domain. Many of the long-time servants who have worked so hard to keep the Alton Domain out of the limelight are trying to squelch the rumors, but there are some who think it is high time the Domain asserted itself and came out of the shadows. We have to wonder, if we can revitalize the Altons, can Ardais be far behind?

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Issue #193, 12 February 2002

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Search Continues

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The search for the missing Ruyven Haldar continues to hold the interest of Thendara. The Cortes members have ordered Guardsmen to check the gutters of Thendara, since he may be lying there with his throat cut. Legislation has also been proposed that requires every male visiting or residing in Thendara to eat supper before he leaves home, and to wear clean underwear at all times. Frank Barber should be glad he’s not in town.

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As the World Churns

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It’s sad to see how much Lord Storn has deteriorated since his separation from Lady Fianna. He seems to lack his usual verve in hosting recent events, and was spotted drinking antacids directly from the bottle after the Chocolate Festival. Pepto-Bismol® Intergalactic has been requested to produce a special chocolate with a pink center to allow him a little taste of his favorite dessert along with his medicine.

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Security Check

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There was a ruckus recently outside the overflowing Ridenow Suites; Keara Ridenow, fresh from shopping for her new home, was stopped by guards who wanted to inspect her packages. It appears that even the Comyn are losing their civil rights in the battle against the terrorists who have been attacking Lord Auster. One wonders, however, why she was so adamant about protecting her new bed linens. Perhaps she made a stop by Victoria’s Secret® Intergalactic as well?

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Storm Hits Heller Hard

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Even for the Hellers, the storm that began pounding the area this week was a sight to behold. Caer Donn was brought to a standstill, and even the skiers at Lowerhammer found that the wet, heavy downfall was keeping them from the slopes. Roofs were reported collapsed in the Scathfell area, and many tourists found themselves stranded in Storn Heights. The storm, however, did not keep the intrepid staff of the Darkovan Inquirer from meeting their deadline.

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Issue #194, 23 February 2002

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Intergalactic Olympic Scandal Brewing

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The Intergalactic Olympics were being held again after a long hiatus, and the scandals were brewing faster and hotter than even the DI could handle. The bobsled event was hosted in the Hellers on Cottman IV, aka Darkover, since the climate there is perfect for it. The latest judging scandal was dubbed “Sled Gate” as the DI 4-person bobsled team was marked down severely in the free-style portion of the competition. The judges cited serious criticism of their costumes — the brakeman dressed as a banshee and the rest of the team dressed as rabbithorns. The DI team also argued that the wipeout and ensuing chaos at the end of their run was intentional and a part of their routine and they shouldn’t have been docked any points for it. The team from Vainwal was given top marks, even though they didn’t handle the curves as efficiently as the DI team, and technically they were ranked lower. Intergalactic Olympic Committee officials are investigating.

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If You Can’t Lick ‘Em... Well, Maybe You Can

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Several change-of-address forms were recently filed with the post office in the Thendara Terran Zone. The Inquirer has learned that Katie Rider and Melissa Ridenow have moved to the Red Sun House. Could Mestra Jaianne be upgrading her employees? Junior Officer Darren MacBride has also filed to relocate there, in a fit of pique over his nonadvancement in the Guard. It’s nice to see that the upgrades will be offered to people of all preferences. In a related story, Kyril di Asturien also tried to relocate to the Red Sun House, but Commander Alton swiftly put an end to that. Cadet di Asturien will have to complete his term in the Guard before he can pursue a career elsewhere.

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New Meaning to the Word

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We also understand that, after several years as the chief feline of Comyn Castle, Gilgamesh (known as ”Fat Gillie” to the kitchen staff) will be moving into the Red Sun House as its new mascot. What motivated him to leave the Castle? No one on our staff has the MacAran gift, but we suspect he has misinterpreted what sort of —er— “pussy” they offer.

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Marcello Sighting Continue

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Despite the fact that there are witnesses that saw his cold, stiff corpse buried in the ground, persistent rumors continue to circulate around Serrais and elsewhere that Marcello Ridenow isn’t really dead, but that he faked his death so that he could live his life unfettered by the responsibilities of being a Domain Head. Recently, someone claimed to have seen him sporting sideburns and a white sequined jacket eating greasy cheeseburgers at a roadside food stand. Others claim he moved to Terra and is driving a pink vehicle called a “Cadillac” through the streets of New New York. Still others claim he was abducted by an unknown race of aliens who substituted a phony body for the one that his friends saw buried. Even the gullible staff at the DI have trouble believing that one.

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Issue #195, 2 March 2002

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Clone Rights Victory

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One of the hot-button issues that has troubled the Terran Empire in the last decade has been the rights of clones. Are they persons or property? Do they belong to the people paying for their creation? This issue was addressed recently at a Darkovan clinic. It appears that a clone signed itself out of the facility (no word on whether this was against medical advice or not). Clones everywhere are celebrating this act of self-determination and the courage of the clinic in allowing it.

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Trends

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Throughout the Domains, a new fad has taken over: flying matrix brooms instead of gliders. Nimbus Intergalactic has even contacted Lord Hastur about moving a plant here to manufacture their newest model, the Nimbus 6000. He has forwarded the issue to the Keeper of Arilinn, since all such devices would have to be constructed under the watchful eye of the Towers. Darkovans may compete some day in the Quidditch Galactic Cup, if the brooms become a permanent feature in the Domains. They are certainly more modest than the gliders, since they can be ridden sidesaddle by females.

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Consumer News

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Recent studies have shown that packaging counts where sweets are concerned. While the recent Chocolate Festival was a huge success, bringing in customers from as far away as the Wall Around the World, the popular candy is not popular in every form. DarkoChoco’s latest product, Chocolate Scorpion Ants, has proven to be a huge sales flop. While some young men seem interested in it for the novelty value, the Empire’s biggest consumers of chocolate, human females, have turned up their noses at it. Even leroni fresh from Tower work have refused it, although one must take into account their frequent work with treating poison victims.

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Spectator Sport becomes a Demonstration Sport in Olympics

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In further Olympic news, the Intergalactic Olympics Committee has accepted the proposal that a formerly “Spectator Sport” be officially recognized as a “Demonstration Sport” with possible full medal qualifications at the next Olympics. “Judging” made its debut at the recent Winter Olympics and the proposed evaluation scheme will be based on two specific “programs”: a “technical” one, where judges will be marked on the complexity and effectiveness of backroom deals and consistency of assigned marks to different athletes in the various disciplines; and an “artistic” one, where the focus will be on the judges’ artistry in avoiding media-based scandals (breaking down and confessing under pressure is an automatic disqualification; being caught with evidence such as letters, papers, witnesses, etc. will result in various deductions— in pay.) Categories would include: jumps (How high? How far?), spin doctoring, and fancy footwork. Further details will be made available soon.

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Three-Headed Chervine Born in Heathwine

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Citizens of the sleepy hamlet of Heathwine were stunned by the onslaught of publicity after a three-headed chervine was born in their town. The little creature is doing well, but its keeper laments that it eats three times as much as any other chervine foal, with a resulting after-effect.

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Issue #196, 9 March 2002

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Two For the Price of One?

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Dyan Ridenow must be expecting double congratulations from his fellow Comyn. He has dual engagements: one to Linnea di Asturien, and the other to Marelie Hastur, still on the rebound from her broken engagement to Auster Elhalyn. Apparently, Dom Dyan wants to bring some of his ancestors’ Drytown customs into the Domains. He had best hope the ladies’ families don’t find out, however, or he could be facing a “duel” engagement with one or more of their relatives. Ooops! We forgot this is a newspaper!

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Time Zones

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The Cortes members have announced that they are breaking the Domains up into time zones. There is the Thendara Zone, where time stands still, the Dondavi Zone, where time also stands still but on a different day of the calendar, and the Storn Zone where time flies when you’re having fun. It has made it possible for the residents of these zones to accomplish all sorts of things without having to worry about being late for anything, but commerce between these zones and others like Dalereuth and Neskaya has become increasingly difficult. Loststar is also in danger of falling into its own zone: we have begun to wonder whether Corwyn and Ginevra are ever going to leave the kitchen for more interesting locations.

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Proud Parents

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All new parents are eager to show off their babies to family and friends. Emelda Hastur-Harris may have gone too far, however. Showing off little Lerrys to her father was understandable, but really— searching caves until she found Ashara was going overboard! Word has it that even little Lerrys is complaining about his new social engagement.

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Yahoo!Matrix Technician Pulls Plug

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Earlier in the week, technical problems occurred when a technician responsible for the Yahoo!Matrix tripped over a cable and disconnected the matrix from its power source. After a day of panicked scrambling and calling in a specialist called a “plumber” to replace various hardware parts, the technician discovered the problem and plugged it back in. Maybe they should have called in an “electrician”?

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From the Darkovan Inquirer Sports Desk: Further Details on New Olympic Sport

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As promised in last week's issue of the DI, here are the details for the “Judging Demonstration Sport”:

The first category would contain such challenges as:

1) LUTZ — Look Under Table Zone

2) LOOP —Lop Off Old Program/ Lucrative Option – Original Program (If the program is old, dock points from it, if it’s brand new, give higher marks.)

3) AXEL— Age-eXperience Effect Lever (If the athlete is too old or too young or has too much or too little experience, deduct points.)

4) SALCHOW— Scores Affected – Last Country’s History Of Winning (If the previous athlete(s) to compete is from a country that has a high history of winning that particular event, then mark the current athlete down – the reverse is also applicable.)

5) TOE —Trade of Equals (“I’ll vote for your athlete, if you’ll vote for mine.”)

6) FLIP— Faults Lessened If Paid (“Faults? What faults? Psssst, thanks for the cash.”)

The second category would consist of such challenges as:

1) CAMEL — Complaining Aggressively Makes Excuses Legal

2) Side-by-sides – how well they can back up each other’s claims

3) Combination Spin — how well they can combine different situations to make their case more plausible

4) Sit Spin — how long they can ‘sit’ (stall) on a situation

The third category would consist of:

1) fancy footwork — straight line sequence: note: backtracking is frowned upon, but is allowed in extreme circumstances — with various penalties assigned

2) fancy footwork— spiral sequence – competitors are discouraged from “spiraling down” too often – again – penalties will be allocated

These categories are tentative and are subject to change before the next Olympics.

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Issue #197, 16 March 2002

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Weddings

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An appalling trend is developing among young Comyn; to forgo the traditional di catenas marriages that have suited their ancestors for thousands of years in favor of quickie “mountain marriages”. We understand that the term “quickie” is quite appropriate in some cases. Remember, young Comyn, that you are not in the mountains... and that even a quickie has consequences. Fortunately for the ladies, there is the Law of Valeron to prevent a quickie divorce.

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Peeping Dan?

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The ladies in Comyn Castle may want to remove the mirrors in their bathing chambers and examine them more closely. Apparently, there is more than one use for a secret corridor where at least one old gas bag is concerned. Considering his boring day job, we shouldn’t be surprised that he has hobbies. Most old men fish, but we must admit the backside of a two-way mirror does offer a more scenic view.

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Cool Reception

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So Domna Fianna Ridenow-Storn is upset about the “cool” reception that she received upon her return to High Windward— Perhaps she forgets that she is in the Hellers. But while the reception may be cool, we’re sure the blood is running hot.

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From the Sports Desk: Darkover’s Newest Sport: Chuckwagon Races!

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Dom Auster Elhalyn opened the first race of Darkover's newest sport: Chuckwagon racing. In the first race, Dom Elhalyn and his team raced again time and the elements of nature itself. Due to the erratic time zones that exist on Darkover, they arrived at the finish line before they had actually left. This caused temporary confusion and general panic that somehow Marcello Ridenow’s missing clone had created an army of clones of people that were still living. The groups were quickly sorted out and the time zones were rapidly restored. The rumor that the race was called a “chuckwagon race” because they “chucked out” bound and gagged bandit-prisoners at every quarter-mile as distance markers has not been confirmed.

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From the Weather Center: More Snow and Cold

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Our staff meteorologist predicts more snow and cold over the next week. Our staff meteorologist has also been laid off due to a dearth of news stories.

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Issue #198, 23 March 2002

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Strangers in the Day

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Just exactly what is going on at High Windward? What appears to be the real Fianna Ridenow-Storn may indeed be something else entirely. Dom Piedro Aillard and Dom Diego Storn are perceiving two different images. Our guess is that Dom Diego sees what he wants to see and that Dom Piedro sees what is.

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An Early Spring?

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We may still be in winter’s grip, but reports from Nevarsin are coming in of a general melting of the snow cover. One of our correspondents has told us of tales that the cleindori blossoms are blooming in the Kilghard Hills. There is a distinct possibility that we might have a Ghost Wind in some parts of the Domains this year.

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Tasty Treat

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We have heard that a pretty young thing has offered Kieran MacDoevid a delicacy. Let’s hope she’s referring to food.

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Yahoomatrix Strikes Again

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An extended period of incapacity for the Yahoomatrix recently left many residents throughout the Domains without reliable communication again. And even after most of our residents once more were able to communicate, those who rely on the ancient system of AOL (Aldones’ Overworld Linkage) found themselves isolated for a few days more unless they could tap directly into the Yahoomatrix Archives.

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Related Story from the DI Science Desk

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Darkovan scientists from the branch of Time In Motion Effects Division have made a startling discovery. They noted that the timewarp effect of the variable RL on the variable RP have resulted in a slowing of RPpt* to almost a constant of zero across all time zones on Darkover this past week. Further evidence notes a correlation between this timewarp effect and the direction of the RPpf** variable on Darkover. Scientists are concerned that if this trend continues, the RPpf** variable may actually become negative, possibly causing many of the storylines to, in fact, reverse themselves. This would cause significant chaos, as it would undo many years of research that proved the Dalereuth Tower’s First Technician’s theory of WHBWHBW***. DI science correspondents are investigating.

*RPpt = RP Playing Time

**RPpf = RP Posting Frequency

***What Has Been Written, Has Been Written

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Issue #199, 30 March 2002

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Higher Education

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The Aldaran Domain is applauding the opening of the new co-ed Darkover University—Hellers campus (DUH) near Caer Donn. Under the Protected Planetary Status requirements, students will get to study exciting courses in the newly designed curriculum. The choice of courses will include:

The Study of “All Weather Clothing” in a Real Environment

“The Physical Variations of Snow, And Why Some Cultures Have Developed Over 40 Names For It (not all of them printable)

Light Adaptability and Evolution from Yellow Sun Worlds to Red Sun Worlds

Cold Weather Climates —How to Adapt

Winter Survival 101

Music 101 - Rryl for 5-fingered Humanoids

Music 102 - Rryl for 6-fingered Humanoids(specialty course)

The Evolution of Music Between Worlds

Mapping 101—How to Find True North in a Blizzard

Mapping on a Metal-Poor and Magnetic-Poor World

Mapping in the Mountains —A Practical Guide(Lab/Practical part of above course) (prerequisite: Winter Survival 101)

More courses will be added as enrollment dictates. Other Darkover University campuses are being planned for Dalereuth (DUD), Shainsa Town (DUST) (male students only), and other locations to be determined. Both Comyn and non-Comyn students will be welcome to this innovative, secular alternative to the Comyn sons-only education provided by Nevarsin. Rumors that Lord Storn was involved in supplying financing for this new endeavor has not been confirmed, since he could not be reached for comment before this went to press.

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Catena Advice

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Rafael Castamir, noted expert on catenas, visited Jewelers’ Street this afternoon to advise the merchants there on current fashions. The Copper Courtier stated that malachite is very much “in” this year, especially when paired with gold. One wonders how many wives he had to go through to become an expert, though. Meanwhile, his brother Rhodri continues to enjoy the benefits of marriage sans catenas, but is a much better judge of children.

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Polite Company

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In her latest book, A Hundred Tribal Lays, Emily Post XXII reports the following about Cottman IV: “Cottman IV, known as ‘Darkover’ by the natives, is a world with strictly enforced rules of what is considered ‘proper’ in terms of clothing... However, once one leaves the capital city of Thendara, local standards differ wildly. In the Storn territories, Terran customs and clothing are being rapidly adopted. In the Stone Haven territories, it seems the only crime is showing humility. In Thendara, men are not permitted to reside in ‘Free Amazon’ guildhouses, but in outlying territories this rule can be suspended in the case of farm hands. I suppose it is true: good help is hard to find anywhere.” In response, Darkovans for Traditional Values is recruiting and training etiquette instructors and writing guidebooks on proper etiquette in each Domain. They intend to distribute both across Darkover. It would be more effective, though, if more Darkovans could read.

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Darkover Fashion Report

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It would appear that non-Darkovan clothing is fast becoming the trend among the Comyn. Fianna Ridenow-Storn has been seen sporting a pair of woolen trousers, a silk underblouse all topped off with a quilted jacket. And in the middle of nowhere in the Hellers, a young man with a magnificent mane of hair was spotted standing in a cave with a blank expression on his face. Rumor has it that the original Ridenow peacock has returned, though apparently without his debonair fashion sense. Even the DI staff are not immune —paper bags and Foamin’ Comyn team uniforms are haute couture these days. DI reporters are anxious to see what the young Ridenow Peacock will wear if he ever gets down the stairs to breakfast at Comyn Tower.

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Classified Advertisement

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Wanted: Representative for Stone Haven Ltd. Must be fluent in Standard, Casta, and Cahuenga, have excellent business skills, and be willing to live in Thendara. Some travel is required. Due to the untimely death of the previous employee, this executive position needs to be filled quickly. Good salary + commissions, use of a large townhouse in Thendara is included the benefits package. Please ignore the unfounded rumors that a nearly headless ghost has been spotted at the townhouse. Lord Stone Haven will cover the cost of replacing the broken front door and sword damage to walls and banisters on the lower level, as well as removing bloodstains.

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Issue #200, 6 April 2002

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Ignaz Was Right (Well, Sort of)

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The rumors of piracy at Dalereuth have finally been confirmed. And while we must apologize to Ignaz Hastur for all the times we teased him about those pirates, we do wish to point out that he was incorrect about the type of pirates plaguing the area. They are not pirates of the waterways, but the airwaves. AOL/Timeless Warner Galactic has filed a complaint with the Cortes about the interception of yesterday’s broadcast of As Darkover Turns and its replacement with the faces of giggling Tower trainees.

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Real Women’s Liberation

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Word has just reached us that the Durona Clinic in Storn Heights has just installed some far-reaching galactic technology, a bank of uterine replicators. Unlike most galactics, Darkovan women are still putting themselves at risk via body births. Following in the footsteps of Emelda Hastur-Harris (who used a replicator on Terra for the birth of her son, Lerrys) the women of Storn Heights will no longer have to choose between having children and putting their bodies through the trauma of pregnancy and would put men and women of an equal footing. Additionally, if placed in a faster time zone… the babies may in fact have reached college age before the next day passes in Thendara.

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More News from Storn Heights

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A new business has just opened in Storn Heights—and just in time. The Hellers Weight Loss Center plans to capitalize on all of those who overindulged during the recent chocolate festival. There is no truth to the rumor that the first client was Dom Piedro Aillard. He’s been too busy eating pastries with Lord and Lady Storn.

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Tax Time

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That unpleasant season is rapidly approaching in the Domains... no, not the month-long Midwinter hangover, but tax time. The Darkover Form Company has been working overtime, due to a last-minute request for five hundred or so tax forms for a village named Redil. The order has been delayed, however, since it is still not sure to whom the residents will be paying the taxes.

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Swoon

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Domna Javanne was seen recently fainting into Sabrina di Asturien’s arms. When she revived, she buried her face in the damisela’s chest and went promptly to sleep. Since this happened in front of the cadets, a new fad has started in the Guard. Overcome by “laran use”, several of them have begun swooning and falling into the arms of the nearest maiden. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked as well for the ones that don’t have laran. Sergeant MacGee was allowed to fall face-first into the ice water used for Julian MacAnndra’s lung machine.

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High Treason

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For a woman who fears contact with the Comyn, Mestra Kay MacDonald seems to have amassed an amazing amount of information believed to only be available in the private libraries of the towers and the castles of the ruling class. Could it be that she is reading too much into those Adore Eternally novels, or is the treason in Stone Haven only the tip of the iceberg? With access to information about the Ages of Chaos strictly controlled, one has to ask where she and her young friend got their information. Perhaps Lord Hastur isn’t the only one carving peep holes in castle walls.

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University Research News

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At the new Darkovan University, historians are pouring over articles in ancient texts about the Kings of Darkover, the Elhalyns. The modern phrase, “Crazy as an Elhalyn” seems to have had its roots in the Ages of Chaos. Certain references seem to indicate that there may have been a matrix hidden in the Elhalyn Throne that in some previous era may have been beneficial in some way to the earlier Darkovan Kings. This Elhalyn-specific matrix was somehow tied to their own personal matrices and donas. Those who are not of the direct Elhalyn branch seem to be less affected, for example, Dom Auster seems to be showing a fair bit of common, or maybe, Comyn, sense recently. Further studies seem to imply that the Elhalyn Matrix had been damaged or altered in some way many generations back so that it in fact it emphasized the more negative aspects of the Elhalyn donas. As to who was involved and why, and who in fact had benefited is still unknown. The search for answers continues.

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Advertisement

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Frederick’s of Terra, Inc. is happy to announce the opening of a new outlet in Thendara. Come here to find the near-naked gown best suited to your Midwinter wedding. Maternity sizes are also available.

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Issue #201, 13 April 2002

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Investigative Report: Follow-up

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Since receiving a letter from Mestra MacDonald about our last issue, the DI has launched an extensive investigation into former Tower workers who “disappeared”. We did find an isolated report of a worker from Neskaya who went over the wall and joined the Terrans. It appears that she is of the right age and reputation to have been Mestra MacDonald’s grandmother. We are continuing the investigation to see what sort of information she could have given the Terrans; fortunately, Neskaya’s records from the most dangerous portion of our history were destroyed along with the original tower. However, the renegade worker may have had access to other Tower libraries. One wonders if even the secret of the chocolate veil can be kept from the Terrans.

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Juvenile Crime Increases in Thendara

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Recent statistics have indicated that while crime by the very young (children ten and younger) has decreased recently, crime among teenage boys has increased. Several boys have been caught impersonating their older brothers in order to be admitted to taverns and to gain discounts at the Red Sun House. In response, Commander Alton has ordered that all cadets turn their uniforms in to the quartermaster before new uniforms will be issued, and that all officers must return their old uniforms before Midwinter. He has also drafted a letter requesting that the Red Sun House not offer their annual special next year. We at the Darkovan Inquirer hope the House will continue to make their offer, since it increases our circulation tenfold at graduation. Perhaps Commander Alton should come up with a more serious punishment than stable duty for the offenders.

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Entertainment News

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Midwinter will launch the beginning of MBM—the Matrix Broadcasting Network. Shows will be broadcast in both casta and cahuenga, but it will only be available in Towers at first. Its programming shows it: the first headlining show will be “Chieri Ties”, a show about a chieri Tower overrun with small children. Other programs planned include “Tower in the City”, which focuses on a Circle (located in a large Darkovan metropolis) where more time is spent forming sexual liaisons than doing actual matrix work, and “Faulty Tower”, which deals with the trials and tribulations of a simple technician who is tormented by larcenous students.

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Further Historical Discoveries at Darkovan University

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Historians at the Darkovan University are delving deep into Darkover’s past through ancient manuscripts and are attempting to discover the source of the mysteriously referred to “Elhalyn Matrix”. Historical evidence has indicated that the Hasturs have long been the “power behind the throne” of the Elhalyn Kings, but are they truly the ones who have benefited from this arrangement? Historians are studying ancient communications texts from the First Contact that discuss an arrangement between the Terranans and Darkovans concerning genetically modified cocoa beans designed to survive in the extreme cold of Darkover. What happened to that long ago agreement? Who signed it? Where are those cocoa beans now? Had the Elhalyn Kings foreseen that these plants could change the future of Darkover and somehow nixed the deal? Had another Domain, one known for its high addiction to the chocolate processed from this bean, blackmailed the Hasturs to control the Elhalyns through their Matrix so this supply of chocolate could be guaranteed? And if so, where is this chocolate source now? Further studies are pending.

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Caravan Reaches Dalereuth

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The caravan snaking its way from Thendara loaded with trunks marked from a mysterious company called MOBS based in Thendara has arrived in Dalereuth. After producing the necessary paperwork, the caravan is now approaching Dalereuth Tower, with explicit orders that the trunks are to be handed over only to the First Technician when he returns. Rumors that the trunks are loaded with Terran and other sources of chocolate are yet to be confirmed.

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More Chocolate News

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In answer to the most critical question that has been circulating around the Domains this tenday, the proper way to eat a chocolate rabbithorn is to bite its little head off first. While it is acceptable to nibble the ears first, it is better form to chomp it below the neck.

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Issue #202, 20 April 2002

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YahooMatrix: Located at Last?

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After several seasons of dealing with lost messages between Towers, the YahooMatrix may have finally been located. Two alert Tower trainees were noticing some strange sendings from an object floating above Darkover, and found themselves overwhelmed by images of red-haired men with strong chins emanating from it. At the same time, several messages were once again lost. Several of their elders now speculate that this object is, in fact, the evil YahooMatrix. “Whatever it is, it’s unauthorized,” said one technician who did not wish to be identified. “It might even violate the Compact. It must be stopped.”

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Trailmen Fever Outbreaks Reported

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A few of the smaller villages in the Hellers have reported outbreaks of Trailmen Fever. Travelers in the region are advised to take precautions and ensure their vaccinations are up-to-date.

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Ridenow Peacock Fashion Dilemma

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DI Reporters were shocked to learn that Dyan Ridenow, Head of the Ridenow Domain, did not spend at least an hour fussing over what to wear before going to Danvan Hastur to gain permission to marry Linnea di Asturien. We hope the Hastur of Hastur will take this as a sign of the Young Peacock’s eagerness to marry (and not a sign that his memory is slipping) and grant full permission to the young couple.

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Comyn Nedestros —A Common Problem?

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It would appear that laran is making a comeback from its previous decline, what with Comyn nedestros appearing out of the woodwork (or at least the Orphanage), jewelry shop owners forecasting a demand for di catenas bracelets…. Who knows what’s next? The DI forecasts many interesting new storylines, but then again, we are based in the Aldaran domain.

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Cheaters Never Win...

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A Terran exchange student has been discovered missing from his Darkover University dorm during the course on Mapping in the Mountains: A Practical Guide. According to his roommate, the student had cheated during the prerequisite course —Winter Survival 101— by bringing contraband Terran heating devices along in his “all-weather parka”. Since the second course required that all students use Darkovan-issue items only, no doubt the student was caught off-guard and unprepared. When the University states that a given course is a prerequisite,there is a good reason for it! Further information will be provided as it becomes available.

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Reporter’s Fans Riot in Caer Donn

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Amid rumors that the identity of the Unknown Reporter was about to be revealed, hundreds of fans gathered outside the Darkovan Inquirer offices at the beginning of this tenday, hoping to catch a glimpse of the trademark paper bag and Foamin’ Comyn cap. When, to their disappointment, the middle-aged, gray-bearded executive editor showed up instead, the crowd grew hostile and the Caer Donn municipal guard had to come and break up the near-riot.

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Issue #103, 27 April 2002

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Monster Attacks

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A 60-foot mouse has been spotted wandering about the Kilghard Hills, terrorizing the populace of Stone Haven. Even Dom Auster has been in hiding; little has been heard from him for a change. Rumor has it that the mouse was the project of a secret Terranan lab at Storn University that escaped. The only hope for the territory of Winterberry comes in the form of Mestra Mischief, a small but spirited tabby kitten. “Fear no mouse” appears to be her credo. Can she save the Elhalyns from certain doom? Check future issues of the DI for updates.

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Winter Fashions

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The stores of Threadneedle Street have begun to debut their Midwinter fashions. Green appears to be in, as it is during every season (it seems), although blue and white also appear to be in vogue. The MacDoevid shop has developed a new misses’ line for the —er — undeveloped. Let’s hope they don’t take bust enhancement tips from Torin MacLeod. There might be a shortage of apple pastry during the holiday!

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Entertainment News

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MBM, the Matrix Broadcasting Network, is adding some new programs to their lineup. One, The Anndra MacGriffith Show,features a Hellers nobleman and his son Ruyven, who seems to spend most of his time hiding in haystacks. Casting has also begun for I Love Lucilla,which shows the day-to-day life of a wacky Comynara and her musician husband from Vainwal. Only redheads should apply for the lead role. The network is expecting the Terranan Chocolate Factory episode to be a huge hit in Dalereuth.

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...Even When They (Apparently) Cheat Death

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The missing Terran exchange student has been found alive, but not well. He was found sitting outside one of the local “houses of pleasure” in apparent distress. Apparently the “ladies” within didn’t approve of cheaters either and denied him “service”. He claimed that his credit rating was in fact the reason —since he exhausted most of it on the Terran high-tech contraband heating devices he used in the “Winter Survival 101” course. This incident is causing concern within the Darkover University Council, and they are currently discussing whether to continue the Exchange Program.

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Terranan Shopping Spree

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A pair of Terranan women has been spotted buying up local products from different stalls and stores. At this rate there won't be anything left for the locals to buy for “gifting” at Midwinter. Ladies, aren’t the “all weather clothes” provided for you in the Zone sufficient? Please take you purchases and return to the Terran Zone and leave something for everyone else to buy. Tower workers have been seen in a buying frenzy as well, buying up anything that’s left. It’s becoming an all out shopping war!

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Notes from the Dead

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How reassuring to find that the late Marcello Ridenow continues to keep track of the happenings in the world of the living, even if it is a bit time-delayed through our back issues. If his clone doesn’t survive his current bout of Trailman’s Fever, the original Marcello can expect some lookalike company.

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Issue #104, 4 May 2002

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Food Shortage Declared at Dalereuth Tower

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Due to the excessive appetites of trainees at the Tower, the Tower Kitchen, ruled by Luitbigonia has now set up a schedule as to when trainees can eat. This futile attempt is intended to control the rising costs of continually bringing in food. Rumor has it that a group of trainees have been plotting how best to raid the kitchen while Luitbigonia is asleep. The fact that they are so famished that they have to hold each other up could seriously slow them down though. One would think that eating Dom Piedro’s chocolate rabbithorns would give them enough energy from both the sugar content and fear of being caught to make it to the kitchen at least!

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Unknown Reporter Unmasked? or Out of the Bag... or Not?

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A rumor was circulating that a photo op had been arranged for the Unknown Reporter in the DI offices, but instead of the reporter, it was actually the cat who lives in the DI offices. A picture of the Unknown Reporter’s furry feline with a bag on its head was released instead. Members of the Darkovan Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals are planning to stage a protest outside the DI offices.

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Little Angels?

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Rumor has it that the monks of Nevarsin may have sent missionaries into the Yellow Forest, based on a new trend surfacing among the chieri. They have begun to name their children after cristoforo angels. Some of the more popular names are: Samaelle, Cassielle, and Pietroelle. A possible factor in the fad has been the extra convenience in “angel” names: many of them can be adapted to either gender without change in pronunciation -- something that is important when dealing with chieri. We just hope it isn’t false advertising.

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Name Game?

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Readers of the Darkovan Inquirer may remember our previous announcement of the marriage of two members of the circle at Loststar, the chieri tower. We have learned since that Domna Stefana is expecting their first child. We at the DI don't wish to see their child enter the world with the traditionally long (and unpronounceable) names the chieri give their young, nor do we want to see them give their child a “fad” name that may be an embarrassment two centuries from now (such as “Moon Unit”).Therefore, we at the DI are proud to announce our “Name the Chieri Baby” contest! Our panel of judges will go through all submissions and forward the best names to the happy parents-to-be. Our sponsors and advertisers are also generously providing prizes for the winners:

First prize: an all-expenses-paid skiing trip to High Crags. Since the Banshee’s Beak Lodge is booked solid through the holidays, the winner will have to wait until the low season --during the spring thaw --to actually use the prize. Getting back home afterwards is the winner’s responsibility. The Lodge also claims no liability for injuries or deaths.

Second prize: an all-expenses-paid trip to Nevarsin to hear the monks perform at Midwinter. This prize is not available to female guests; instead, they will be taken on a cultural tour of the village, which will include techniques of carding wool and the impact the introduction of bathing made on the community.

Third prize: a free subscription to the DI for life (or one hundred years for chieri competitors).

Also, all names will be put into the drawing for the last prize: a “The Red Sun House Got a Rise Out of Me” T-shirt.

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M’Aide?

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Even though Dom Piedro claims never to have experienced major delays at sending messages through the evil YahooMatrix (which might just be part of the Aillard Gift), he has now sent out a mayday. We have not been able to get him to comment on the fact that it was a happy May Day, whatever that may be...

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YahooMatrix Has Nothing on the DI Typesetters

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Even the dreaded YahooMatrix has nothing on the disease which struck the DI typesetters just before press time. They all came down with something called “Voodoo Mac”, which wiped their hard drives and made them unsuitable for working on today’s edition. Luckily, the editor was able to go over to a neighboring business called Windows and borrow some help. This may account for some inconsistencies in today’s edition—or maybe not.

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Issue #205, 11 May 2002

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Doin’ the Timewarp Shuffle

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Thendara’s timewarp has now claimed another two victims. Dom Dyan Ridenow and his betrothed, Linnea di Asturien, were on route to obtain the blessing of the absent-minded (and currently absent) Dom Danvan, when they were pulled into another day in Thendara. While their abilities to help the wounded Cadets and Guards may be highly appreciated, their ability to change days on a moment’s notice should be studied carefully. This talent may be tied into the strange time-warped disappearance of Dom Gavin and the Renunciate, Lianne n’ha Kindra a few days, (or was that a few tendays) back.

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DI Timewarp Reports

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Given that time has practically stood still in Thendara (and some other places around Darkover) the DI has made some inquiries into events that happened/are happening/will happen in other areas of Darkover:

In Past News....Why are all the trainees in Dalereuth Tower so skinny? And why was at least one left alone without enough food for so long that she couldn’t find the energy to walk down the stairs but had to scoot down on a pillow? Are the kyrri on strike? Or just on a work slow-down while they wait for better benefits? Maybe they want free cable?

In Future News....The son of Fianna Ridenow and Diego Storn who was, er, hatched, (or something equivalent) in an uterine replicator has announced his intentions to marry the daughter of Domna Cristilyn Aillard, who finally moved to a faster time zone to, um, spawn (or something equivalent). The happy event will occur when both individuals have finished their courses and graduated from the Darkover University. Rumors that they have been exploring the seamier side of student life beforehand have not (yet) been confirmed.

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New Hygiene Guidelines

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In the interest of propriety, new Cadet Master Gregori Haldar has dictated that all cadets will keep their necks covered even while washing up, at least in the presence of ladies—especially if the ladies include his sister. We must say he hasn’t thought this new policy through very clearly; there are all sorts of other garments the cadets can still remove!

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And Now The Weather...

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Neskaya Tower has just announced the opening of the first Darkovan weather station. It will have a regular spot on the Matrix Broadcasting Network, providing valuable forecasts for the people of Darkover. Its first forecast is for snow over the Hellers and sleet in Thendara, and a blizzard... hey, wait! Isn’t this the usual weather every day in the Domains?

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Glazed Over

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Employees at the Krispee Kreme in Caer Donn were at a loss earlier this tenday when a group of reporters from this newspaper marched in and bought out the store. The ringleader, it seems, was a person with a bag over his or her head (the doughnut folks couldn’t identify the gender of the perpetrator because of the bag and a heavy parka.) The store manager was greatly embarrassed when, during a rare and brief visit to her capital city, Domna Maibrie Aldaran stopped in for a jelly doughnut, only to find the shelves empty.

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Issue #206, 18 May 2002

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Timewarps Cause Spring Love To Come Before MidWinter

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Maybe the jeweler knew something others didn't, since relationships are popping up all over the place. One of the guard recruits is following the standards of the Comyn, he is interested in two ladies, having broken off another earlier relationship back in the Hellers. Since neither of the current ladies are aware of the other’s existence, only time will tell if and when they meet what the reaction will be. But this is Thendara—and time has taken a holiday from here!

A young princeling of the House of Brrowth went hunting for food one day in the wilds of Comyn Tower. He was very much full of himself since he was descended from royalty and the favored companion of the Commander of the Guard. He sought to fill himself with sea crow as well—but was served humble pie instead. A strange relationship began evolving in the with Lenore, a sea crow with above average intelligence. They appear to have a love-hate relationship, given that the larger sea crow could easily have made a meal of the young princeling. It seems that the two have engaged in a beak-tail-fasting, but the exact date for the, er, wedding has not yet been finalized.

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Fairy Tales Do Come True

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The Timewarp paralysis seems to have affect Castle Storn for several days, or possibly several tendays, trapping Lord and Lady Storn, their servants and their guest, Dom Piedro Aillard. Apparently, he is still shaken up by the loss of his chocolate rabbithorns. Maybe if he returns to Dalereuth he'll be able to get to the bottom of the caravan carrying trunks of chocolate from something called MOBS based in Thendara before the Tower trainees discover it parked outside. It would seem that more than just a chaste kiss was required to end the timewarp paralysis in this fairy tale though. The DI staff would like to be the first to congratulate the Storns on the future arrival of their offspring, whenever in time that may be.

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Love is in the... Air?

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Jake Ridenow has developed a special friendship with a member of the Tower, it seems. The Lady Lenore is described as a golden-eyed, raven-haired woman of indeterminate age. They were seen chatting together in the triage of wounded soldiers and are already on a first-name basis. She's playing hard to get, but we at the DI have heard that she has a yen for impertinent young men. Given Dom Jacob's past history, he's definitely her type. Perhaps there is another Ridenow wedding in the offing—but the family better not count on this union producing offspring.

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Cheap Stone (Haven)?

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The DI staff has uncovered the lengths Dom Auster Elhalyn's staff has had to go to in hiding the shocking state of his finances. While Lord Stone Haven has been traveling offworld, refurbishing his estate, and making an ostentatious display of wealth in Thendara, his staff has been forced to cut expenses to the bone. No wonder this mysterious "Brotherhood" has attempted to overthrow the spendthrift Elhalyn lordling when the Elhalyn ladies are being forced to sleep four or five to a room and his rangers have nothing better to offer overnight guests than recycled horse blankets.

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Classifieds

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Matchmaker or matchmaking advice required. Please provide credentials. Discretion advised. Please reply to Comyn Tower, or the Cadet/Guard Barracks. Parents and siblings of Tower workers or Cadets/Guards need not apply.

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Issue #207, 25 May 2002

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New Tourist Market Opens in Stone Haven

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The long-languishing village known as Duvic's Ditch is due for a transformation into a tourist haven. Lord Stone Haven has approved the creation of a campsite there for the Girl Scouts Association. Young girls will come from all over the Terran Federation to experience what it is like to sleep on the cold ground, be bitten by insects, and prepare scorpion-ants for human consumption. Renunciates will be hired to ensure that the only discomforts they encounter are scheduled ones. In return, the girls will receive the Landfall merit badge, which depicts a crashed Terranan space ship in the snow

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The Lost Dom

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They seek him here, they seek him there, they seek for Dom Danvan everywhere—but to no avail. Searchers are now combing the hidden passageways of Comyn Castle, just in case the Hastur lord has managed to get himself trapped in one of the many secret corridors while “observing” some of the Comyn ladies in their rooms. While they are at it, they should look for the elusive “rascals” that are apparently pervading the area.

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Blanket Foils Tower Healers

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The Healers at Comyn Tower were doing quite nicely, repairing the injuries on a number of cadets and guardsmen, but their abilities were stumped by a gray blanket over one of the cadets. Maybe they should remove the blankets from the cots before they start healing so they can see what they’re doing?

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Cristoforo Scandal

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While cristoforos profess purity, the monks at St. Valentine of the Snows in Nevarsin have been hit with accusations of sexual impropriety. Men who stayed at the monastery 20 or 30 years ago have come forth claiming that some long-dead monks had molested them as boys. When a leronis visiting the area offered to do a Time Search to find out what really happened, all the parties involved refused to accept the offer, saying that “witchcraft” would only compound the evil.

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Cat People Celebrate in Festival

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A gathering of Cat People occurred this week near Corresanti. The annual festival of felines was marked with much purring and a pungent round of spraying. The highlight of the event was when a package of imported Terranan catnip was opened and passed around. Many of the elders embarrassed themselves by rolling around kittenishly on the ground with their legs in the air. The winner of the largest hairball contest was Zxgharr, a technician at Tramontana Tower.

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Issue #208, 1 June 2002

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Space for Cadets?

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Commander Alton has been seen in deep discussion with the Underkeeper at Comyn Tower over the mass move of his men from the barracks to tower. Between those injured in the recent campaign and those taking the winter holiday off, Dom Valdir has already been forced to induct cadets early. A reliable source inside the castle reports that the problem is getting worse. The duty and honor of doing stable duty for Commander Alton seems less attractive to the young guardsmen than getting shown to a suite with a private bath by a beautiful Tower worker. Maybe these men are smarter than we thought.

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Caw-se for Offense

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Chapters of the Bird Lovers of Darkover have been organizing pickets of upcoming Julian MacAnndra concerts over comments the singer is alleged to have made about the breath and voice of sea crows. One picketer had to be arrested by the Guard for refusing to stop demonstrating the sea crow mating call. It seems the fellow was so good at it that several seacrows, blinded by passion, descended on Thendara and were mistaking the black-caped guardsmen for potential mates

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Missing in Action

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There have been several reports of "missing persons" filed with the Thendara Guard recently. Dom Danvan is still missing and presumed lost in the hidden hallways and corridors of Comyn Castle. The Anti-Sharra delegation appears to have been swallowed up by an anti-laran field on an island off Dalereuth. Domna Danette Lanart, her betrothed, and her nephew have vanished between Comyn Castle and the Castle stables. . Domna Emelda Hastur-Harris and her son, Lerrys are also among those who have disappeared. Members of the Comyn Guard are still searching for the "rascals" that are reportedly still at large.

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Diego, Diego, when art thou?

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Lady Storn appears to be suffering from a temporary case of memory loss caused by a time zone disrupter wave that appears to have drifted through Castle Storn. Lord Storn is lost in time - possibly a side effect of the time zone disrupter wave and temporal pressures of the different time zones colliding. Or maybe an Aldaran variant of the Elhalyn Throne Matrix has been found in the Storn Castle library. The DI staff would happily pursue that story, but we aren't sure when it was/is/would be published if we did so.

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Golden Bells

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Local botanists have spotted a field of cliendori about to bloom in the Kilghard Hills. Prevailing winds this season mean that the pollen will be blowing toward Carthon. Travelers should be advised of the danger.

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Issue #109, 8 June 2002Cleanliness is Next To...?

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Speculation has begun that the Elhalyn Party may be trapped in Duvic's Ditch indefinitely. The obsession both Dom and Domna Elhalyn have for bathing and the fact that the tiny village has only one bathtub has delayed their departure. Their foster daughter is reported to be concerned about the overworked staff members at the Falling Lord Inn. After seeing how they have been running up and down stairs carrying hot water to the ladies, she has graciously offered to skip a few washings. Meanwhile, Dom Elhalyn is taking long soaks in the tub and his guards are even making time for underwater sports. The storm front that dropped several feet of snow on Neskaya Tower is moving toward the Stone Haven lands at a rapid rate, creating fears that the party may have to winter there. Fortunatly, Mestra Mischief bathes herself regularly without the need of a tub.

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Crowding Continues at Comyn Tower

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Cadets continue to enter Comyn Tower at an alarming rate, producing crowded conditions in the once-quiet halls. The suites available have filled rapidly; we understand that the only room available for one of the cadets was directly across the hall from trainee Riona Haldar. In response, her older brother, the new Cadet Master, has assigned his chief assistant to the Tower to guard her virtue. Perhaps her cousin Gwennis, also residing at the Tower, could loan Riona the use of her bird as well. We understand that her breath could make the strongest man quail.

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Old Man and the Sea

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It appears that the most ancient Tower worker may not be located at Loststar Tower, but at Dalereuth. Piedro Aillard is rumored to have been born during the time of Stefan the First and to have been a trainee at Hali Tower before its destruction. It was there that he learned the ancient matrix secret of releasing the anagathic properties of chocolate. No wonder he was so offended when his rabbithorns were stolen! With the amount he has received recently, though, he should live forever.

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Gambling Fever

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Gambling on how long it will take Auster Elhalyn to visit The Gate House Inn after he returns to Stone Haven has spread through the Domains. Although the pace of betting makes it impossible for us to determine the exact size of the jackpot, it is rumored to be in excess of a million crowns. Along with bets on the time of his next visit, side bets are being taken on the gender of his first choice, and how many grezali he will visit before returning to the other side of the lake. A spokesperson for the Inn has stated that the staff always keeps a room open for the Dom and has no reason to believe he will not be visiting soon. When questioned about when, our reporter was told the management would not release that information even if reservations were made in advance.

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All for one and one for all Emelda Hastur has decided to broaden the scope of her productions. She's looking to produce The Three Musketeers, in addition to her usual line of Adore Eternally books and movies, with a decidedly Darkovan bent. Emelda is still assembling the cast, but for now she has some of the leads. Aramis will be played (currently) by young Lerrys, Porthos, by the Marcello clone, Athos, will be played (temporarily) by Emelda herself (equal opportunity in the gender allocation, of course), and the evil Cardinal Richelieu will be portrayed by Ashara. All they need is for D'Artagnan to appear and save the day. Maybe once she can recruit a few more men to her cause, she will settle back and take the role of the Countess de Winter, for surely the weather will if she doesn't.

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Issue #210, 15 June 2002

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The Flower That Ate Stone Haven

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The newly-formed Darkovan Horticultural Society is considering banning gardener Ginessa n'ha Melitta from membership because of the giant morada flower she is growing at Stone Haven. "She has used illegal Terranan genetic enhancements to produce the enormous growth," said Violet MacRose, the Society president. "Besides, we would ban her based on the smell of the blossom itself. What if pollen from the flower were to escape from the greenhouse? Hordes of these flowers would produce a threat as great as the Ghost Wind. People would be afraid to go outside to do their work."

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The Unpampered Chef

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The head chef for the Guardsmen Barracks in Thendara has gone on strike, and his staff has joined him. It seems that there have been complaints about the quality of the food recently. "It's the fault of those spoiled cadets," Sgt. Smedley ("Swillus Rex") MacGill. "Their mommies feed them all that prissy stuff and they can't handle the gruel of a real man."

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(Blood)Sports News

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The DI has learned that Stephen MacCollum has challenged Jamil Raineach-Lindir to a duel. Since Stephen is still underage, the combatants will be using wooden weapons. The lad wouldn't be compelled to defend the family honor if Jamil had kept his other sword sheathed.

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And Now the Weather...

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The weather is proving to be the topic of choice throughout the Domains these past few days. A winter storm has dropped several feet of snow around Neskaya Tower, forcing the snowbound Circle members to melt their way out. Though with the way relationships have been heating up inside the Tower, little effort should be required to accomplish this task. Strange weather patterns have been seen in the Hellers—southern passes have been closed earlier than normal this year, while northern ones remain open. Travelers are advised to seek assistance in finding the few remaining passes and retreat to the closest available village until spring thaw. Heavy snow has been forecasted for Stone Haven. This has resulted in massive chimney cleaning efforts by the local Renunciates and preparations by Dom Elhalyn and his party to try to get home before the storm hits. This may result in a new sport - storm racing - though the details of how and where to hold the events have yet to be ironed out. Perhaps a few Rockravens could be called upon to hold the storm at bay for a few extra candlemarks. That time will be needed to get everyone bathed, fed, packed and ready to move on from their luxurious quarters in the Duvic's Ditch Inn.

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Casting Call

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Emelda Hastur-Harris is still searching for cast members for her Darkovan version of "The Three Musketeers". Recently Emelda has been observed giving a screen test to a young cat-woman - a relative newcomer to the acting industry. (Though exactly whose relative she is has not been disclosed.) Rumor has it that the cat-woman was trying out for the part of D'Artagnan, though counter-rumors imply that she has, in fact, applied for the role of the infamous Cardinal Richelieu, possibly battling the undead Ashara for the prime role. The DI will report further on this story once the information becomes available.

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Cowan Retirement Announced

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Long-time readers of the DI were saddened this week when the Terran Sub-Legate John Cowan announced he was taking an early retirement and returning to Terra. While we wish John well, many of us on Darkover are saddened by his departure. The Darkovan Poets Society is considering disbanding and rumor has it that Myria of Neskaya is considering setting her crimson robes aside and following Cowan off-planet.

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Issue #211, 22 June 2002

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Incensed Census Seeks Sensible Solution

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The infamous Yahoo!Matrix has struck again, mixing up registry documents, family trees and in some cases declaring citizens deceased while they fought to prove that they were very much alive. The Census Board has opened an inquiry into the matter and is now sorting through all pieces of documentation for validation. This process is expected to take several weeks, and the DI will report on the findings.

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Fainting Spells

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It would appear that a number of young Terran women have been fainting all over Thendara. First there was Mestra MacDonald, then a student that she had befriended, Mestra Anwyn McCarron. Is it just a case of homesickness, or do we have another wild Ardais roaming the city causing laran to appear in susceptible individuals or is it just the unpredictable weather? Curious minds would like to know.

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Natural Selection

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It is fortunate for the survival of the species that, even with laran, most citizens don’t have foresight as to how their offspring wil turn out. Take the Storns for example…the visions that have descended on this couple of perspective parents are far from being icons of domestic bliss. Aldones help the people of Storn Heights if these visions of enfantes terribles come to pass.

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Who’s in Charge Here?

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With John Cowan gone from the planet and Frank Barber last seen lounging somewhere in the Hellers, we have to wonder who is running the Terranan facilities. The only comfort our Terranan readers can take is that on Darkover, sometimes no organization is the best course of action.

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Avalanche Blocks Major Trail in the Hellers

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It’s avalanche season (but then when isn’t it avalanche season?) and there’s a major blockage on the main road between Aldaran and the Kilghard Hills. Travelers are advised to find alternate paths until crews can clear the way.

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Issue #212, 29 June 2002

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Kireseth Pollen Spill Alert

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Comyn Tower has detected a mysterious leak of kireseth pollen into the Thendara bathwater supply. The leak has (apparently) been plugged, and the source of the pollen leak is now under investigation. It is possible that this leak has been going on for months, explaining the large number of couples that recently became engaged, freemates, or are now expecting offspring since having baths together. Comyn Tower’s new filtration system seems to have prevented that from occurring within its walls. Unfortunately, it has been difficult to test that theory, since Mestru Gavin was teleported out of his bath (and away from the presence of Domna Katie Rider) before completing it.

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Time and Time Again

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Even The Shadow is having trouble keeping track of the different time zones on Darkover these days. This situation is forcing the Evolving Time Committee to meet and discuss whether or not to enforce time zone restrictions, possibly introducing Role Playing Game Standard Time across all Time Zones. Given that this is being decided by a committee, it will probably be some time (by current Thendara standards) before any details are decided upon. The DI staff will consult its future issues to determine if and when such decisions actually come to pass.

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There’s Something About Uniforms

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Women around Thendara are swooning with love again—last week, it was at the Terran base; this week, they swoon at Comyn Castle. Could the presence of a young man in uniform be responsible? And no, we’re not talking about Julian MacAnndra for a change—this time, it’s his cousin. But we’re not so sure it’s due to musical talent or good looks: everyone needs love, but sources tell us Dom Ruyven pays for his in cash. It’s got to be the uniform.

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The Circus Comes to Stone Haven

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The circus arrived in Stone Haven today to entertain Dom Auster’s new bride. They paraded through Stone Gate this afternoon en route to the castle, passing out free pouches of hot nuts to all. The show began with music and dancing horses, followed by a flurry of dog-faced women in the center courtyard of the castle. This evening, the lords and ladies will be visiting the tent where vegetable freaks of nature lurk, and following that there will be a special exhibition of diving. To close the evening, there will be a private performance of trapeze skill in Dom Auster’s bedchamber.

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Elhalyn Trail Mix(er)

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Everyone is commenting on the new trail mix that the cooks at Stone Haven prepared for Dom Auster’s trip to Thendara. While on the road, his Guardsmen enjoyed a pleasant blend of exotic fruits and tasty nuts. We understand that Amory Finn was especially complimentary of the new product. The Elhalyns are planning to try out some test markets to see if the mix would sell well elsewhere. Shipments have already been sent out to the Gilded Cage and The Oiled Cralmac.

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Hairballs

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Reports that Domna Emelda Hastur-Harris has joined forces with a young Catwoman named Clawdette isn’t so surprising. What is surprising is to find out that the young female feline is coming into season. Think about who she’s with—Emelda is always in season and now that her dark-skinned Terrranan husband is coming looking for her, we can only guess what the results will be.

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No DI Next Week

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The staff of the Darkovan Inquirer is planning on attending the Intergalactic Pyrotechnics Convention on Wolf next week. Since we’ll be fooling around with sparklers, Roman Candles, and Catherine’s Wheels, we won’t have time to put out an issue.

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Issue #213, 17 July 2002

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Stripped to the Essence

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Rumors are rife in Thendara that several high-born youth were engaged in the Terranan game of strip poker while their parents thought they were at their studies. It seems that they were after a different kind of education than their elders thought. In any case, they were interrupted when a chambermaid came into the room where the game was in progress. Her vivid description of these boys and girls has been repeated on street corners throughout the city.

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Syndrome Reported in Medical Journals

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Physicians throughout known space have something Darkovan to ponder. A new syndrome called "Yahtzee Arm" has been described in the Intergalactic Journal of Medicine. First reported in the area around Storn Heights, its symptoms include a sore arm and a cramped hand. The article cautions about the dangers of rolling dice for ten solid candlemarks.

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Tourist Eaten

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The Caer Donn Tourist Board was in a tizzy this week as yet another tourist was eaten by banshees while rock climbing in the hills around the city. Travel agents are starting to warn customers about booking holidays in the Hellers, which will severely hurt the Caer Donn economy. As usual, neither the Lady of Aldaran nor her regents could be reached for comment.

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Elhalyn Trail Mix Causes Digestive Problems

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In our last issue, we noted the release of the new trail mix that the cooks at Stone Haven prepared and of how it was to be test marketed. Several customers at The Oiled Cralmac have experienced explosive diarrhea after consuming quantities of the trail mix with their firi. Health officials near Dalereuth are investigating and The Oiled Cralmac is closed while its unfortunate employees clean up the mess.

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DI Staff Sparkles

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After their experiences at the Pyrotechnics Convention on Wolf, the staff of the Darkovan Inquirer is full of excitement as to how we can set sparks off throughout our readership. A few cherry bombs lobbed in the right direction should produce some interesting results.

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Issue #214, 20 July 2002

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Quest for Fire

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The snowstorm that blanketed most of the Domains recently has left many residents of the Kilghard Hills snowbound. While the Circle at Neskaya use laran to melt their way out of their own Tower, Amory Finn and Erasmo at Stone Haven have discovered an alternate method of generating heat. We understand it has something to do with rubbing two sticks together.

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Speaking of Sticks...

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We also understand that Ruyven Haldar has recently been seen polishing swords with great vigor. With his inamorata Leonie Syrtis-Hastur in the Tower, it’s all he’s likely to do for the time being.

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MatrixOps Becomes Matrix-less Operations

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MatrixOps, based in Comyn Tower, Thendara has become a victim of poor matrix assembly, as the matrix used to maintain their operations has proven to be of faulty workmanship. Orders have been placed with another matrix assembly firm and they hope to have the new matrix available for use within the next couple of tendays. Given the speed of time in Thendara, though, it may be months before anyone even notices the change.

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Comyn Tower – Forbidden Pleasures

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Trainees in Comyn Tower have been seen making eyes at each other, dabbing each other in pancake batter and blushing prettily – sufficient enough evidence to make big brothers and their friends suspicious. They’re worried now? We wonder what will happen when they actually have to take baths – the kireseth leak may turn out to be more widespread than previously thought!

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Learning the Ropes

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Dom Auster’s foster daughter is slowly learning how to behave like a proper Comyn girl instead of a street waif. So far he has taught her how to jump on a bed, climb on a swing and act like a Terranan ape. And they wonder why the Elhalyns are considered crazy? We’re waiting for him to teach her how to swing on a rope from one of the nursery castle towers to the other—in the style of the mythical Terranan Tarzan.

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Accounting Irregularities

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Employees of the Elhalyns were shocked when Lord Stone Haven announced that there had been financial improprieties among his top executives. It is not known how long they had been lining their own pockets through some creative accounting, but a full investigation has been launched. There have been some closed-door meetings, and the employees fear that their jobs and their pensions are in danger. The entire accounting department has come under scrutiny and may be taking the fall.

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Chain Opens Another Shop

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Residents of Caer Donn were surprised to find out that Starbucks Intergalactic has opened another outlet in the city, right across the street from the first store. It seems that the Terranan company feels people won’t walk across a narrow cobblestone street to buy a double mocha latte.

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Issue #215, 27 July 2002

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Casting Call

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Would-be thespians are lining up in Thendara to audition for the first Darkovan stage production of Harry Potter. Many of the parts have already been filled, but the leading role is still open. The current top contenders to play Harry are Ruyven Haldar and Corin Kadarin. The head of the Thendara Theatrical Troupe has consulted with Sophia Papadeas, a Terranan seer, to contact the spirit of the late Marcello Ridenow and ask him if he would play one of the Hogwarts ghosts. Employees of the company are also reportedly attempting to contact Emelda Hastur-Harris about doing a cameo as the Fat Lady. Lord Danvan Hastur will be gracing the production in the role of Albus Dumbledore; a stagehand will be near at all times to nudge him if he falls asleep during his scenes.

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Midwinter Festival Off to a Good Start

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The Midwinter Festival is off to a good start this year, with new romances for the young Comyn Tower trainees and wedding bells for others. As we mentioned in the first article, there will be a production based on an ancient Terranan story about a boy called Harry Potter (whose family surprisingly enough had nothing to do with pottery). Ever since the casting call went out over the last few days, the Cadets and Tower members have been fighting over who should have which part, while juggling learning lines, healing from battle wounds, healing battle wounds and learning how to control their laran— all before the next Cadet term starts. They still have to decide where the performance will take place – probably somewhere in Comyn Castle. Meanwhile, the citizens of Caer Donn are up in arms because they too planned to produce Harry Potter at the newly-opened Maibrie Aldaran Performance Hall. Perhaps those who don’t get cast for the Thendara production can come to the Hellers to try out.

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Speaking of the Hellers…

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It appears that Emelda Hastur-Harris’ dark-skinned Terranan freemate is on Darkover hunting for his missing wife. We could tell him where she is, but we don’t want to let the “cat” out of the bag.

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Dalereuth Sea Chieri Suffer Melancholy

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Reports have arrived that the sea chieri off the coast of Dalereuth are suffering from depression. It seems that they have a melancholy longing for Dom Piedro Aillard, who had the habit of swimming with them this time of year. Poor Dom Piedro, however, is waiting for the longest ten candlemarks on record to pass so that he and Dom Diego can solve the mystery of the time warps that have been discombobulating Storn Heights.

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Issue #216, 3 August 2002

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DI Staff Throw Party For Editor

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The DI Editor turned 50 this week and the DI staff threw him a massive party. Some of the girls from the Red Sun House were flown up by aircar for the occasion and were flown back the next day, complaining of exhaustion. Streamers and balloons were strung up all over the editorial office, one of the Red Sun House girls jumped out of the humongous chocolate and redberry wine cake, and firi flowed as freely as snow falls in winter. All attendees had a wonderful time and once everyone recovers from their hangovers, they’ll try to figure out when the Editor’s birthday occurs according to all the different Terranan world calendars so they can celebrate it all over again in a few tendays. A great time was had by all.

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MatrixOps Still Matrix-less

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Matrix Operations, based at Comyn Tower is still without a functioning matrix due to assembly complications. What MatrixOps requires and what the matrix assembly companies currently have pre-assembled don’t match so it may be a couple more ten-days before that issue is sorted out.

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Dalereuth Promotions?

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It has been noted that the First Fool—er—Technician, of Dalereuth Tower has been fulfilling the role of Keeper for the Second Circle there for some time now. If he is now a tenerézu, who will take on the job of First Technician? Of course he will always be the “First Fool” in all our hearts – no one could possibly take that job description away from him!

Wall Street Justice?

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In the wake of a scandal involving clerks giving themselves pay raises at the expense of the fire-fighters, Lord Stone Haven appointed a special outside panel to examine the financial records of the entire estate. Meanwhile, after a period of intense questioning, two high-ranking officials were charged and escorted to the guardhouse. It now appears that the military may be involved in the corruption as well; neither official made it through the night alive. Check future issues of the DI for more details as this story unfolds.

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Cuisine Darkovan

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Representatives of Galactic Princess Lines recently visited Darkover with the intention of offering Nero of Stone Haven a position as one of their master chefs. Nero is rumored to be a candidate for Les Quinze Maitres, a select society of fifteen chefs considered to be the finest in the Empire. Sadly (for them), the tempermental artiste turned them down after discovering that he could only enter the ship by being hoisted through the cargo port. He was quoted as saying, “The size of the passenger doors is an obvious indication that the normal clientele lacks the proper appreciation for food.” Galactic Princess had a different story; they claim that Nero insisted on being provided with freshly slaughtered animals and wood-fire ovens, both of which would be hazards in intergalactic flight. Oh, well, Princess’ loss is Stone Haven's gain (so to speak). Perhaps Cosmic Celebrity or Royal Caribbean-Galactic might make an offer instead.

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Temporal Anomaly

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Even though time stands still in cities like Thendara, it does not appear to have affected the aging process. Citizens have gained entire years of age within a tenday in the Storn Domain. The technicians of the Towers have been asked to pool their talents in solving this problem, especially Loststar, since time seems to flow more swiftly there and they have done more work with temporal fields. Unfortunately, none of them appear to be in the same day, which has made this difficult. By the time Comyn Tower got the wedding announcement from Loststar, Domna Stefana was already showing her pregnancy. This may also explain some other brides who appear to be pregnant before their weddings; they may also be victims of the anomaly. Lady Aillard has announced plans to visit Loststar; she hopes that she might be able to deliver Marcello’s child there before she dies of old age.

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New Odds in Marital Pool

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Bookies are taking new wagers on the length of Dom Auster’s fidelity after the latest reports from Stone Haven. In the six days since his wedding, the bridegroom has only spent two nights in the same bed as his wife. While she remains in bed (alone) to recover from her exhaustion, he has begun sending roses and wine to Mestra Kay MacDonald, an attractive woman at the spaceport in Thendara. They reportedly met the night the engagement was announced. Lord Danvan should have known he’d have a backup plan.

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Talent Scouts Coming to Darkover?

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Rumor has it that talent scouts for the holovid show Galactic Pop Idol are coming to Darkover. They supposedly plan to have try-outs in Thendara, Caer Donn, Dalereuth, and Serrais. We wonder what some of the contestants might sing. How many paramours of Dom Auster will be singing “Your Cheatin’ Heart”?

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Issue #217, 10 August 2002

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DI Editor Gets Party Pension

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The DI editor has started receiving retirement pensions from worlds where the definition of “senior citizen” varies considerably from Darkover’s since he turned 50 during the last tenday. Wolf started sending their checks because the life expectancy on that world isn’t as high as Darkover’s, so by their calculations, our esteemed Editor is deserving of retirement funds. Vainwal started sending the checks for similar reasons (but their clientele die happier), and has also included coupons with “senior rates” for some of their more, “exotic” attractions. Alpha and Samarra are expected to follow suit in the next few days. As to what “investments” the Editor had on those worlds, not even the DI staff is party to that knowledge.

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Darkovan Thesaurus Needs Updating

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According to some members of the new Guild House at Stone Haven, “crying” and “thinking” have similar meanings. At last we have a way to tell when politicians are really thinking and when they are just pretending to!

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Timewarp Problem Spreading

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The Thendaran timewarp problem seems to be spreading, first causing time to go berserk in High Windward and now skewing time in Stone Haven. Are Dalereuth and Neskaya next?

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Classifieds

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Job Wanted – Local Dom looking for work, has basic training on Terran computers, speaks Casta and some Terran Standard. Fast learner. No job too difficult. DI Mailbox#: 8-5-12-16

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Green Acres is the Place to Be...

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In one of the last status reports to be sent to John Cowan before he went off-planet, Lord Stone Haven was listed as importing twenty crates of farm implements. We didn’t realize that Vainwal was so famous for its agriculture! We misunderstood Dom Auster's reasons for staying there five years.

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Too Refined?

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Snowmobiles running on firi have become all the rage in the Kilghard Hills. The supply is cheap, local, and tasty. More than one has broken down, though, because the driver decided to pass the fuel through his kidneys first.

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Layoffs at the Spaceport

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The Federation has decided to cut costs at the Thendara Spaceport by cutting corners as well. They began by replacing the competent John Cowan with Frank Barber. This led to the layoff of a number of native workers after he spent the entire first month’s budget on an evening at the Oiled Cralmac and a night at the Red Sun House. Now, misunderstandings have increased between the remaining Terranan employees and the Old City. For example, Melissa Ridenow received a message from one of the Terran workers, and has spent the last tenday trying to figure out what it means.

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Scents and Sensibilities

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As his wedding approaches, the newly promoted Captain Rafe Castamir is becoming sweeter and more sensitive. His long nights of sensitivity training with Mestra Berana are causing onlookers to wonder if the chief of security at Comyn Castle has been replaced with an impostor. A number of citizens have reported seeing him actually smile on his morning walk to the castle. The kinder, gentler Rafe seems concerned for the feelings of the families of wounded men and the emotions of junior officers. Now it seems the prospective bridegroom is becoming sensitive to the smell of cadets on gate duty...could it be that Captain Crankypants has gone soft on us?

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Issue #218, 17 August 2002

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The Odds Are A’Changin’

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Bookies were changing odds on Dom Auster’s fidelity again as of this morning. It seems that, due to the storm, his reinforcements from Thendara have been delayed. He has sent Domna Javanne out into the snow to procure women from Stone Gate to tide him over until Mestra MacDonald’s arrival. But he should be careful: Domna Javanne may decide to try them out first.

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Renunciate Training Woes

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The Guild House at Stone Haven has survived the first Training Lesson for the newcomers. After standard questions/accusations/insults were hurled at the new sisters, everyone settled down with a cup of tea and listened with great attention to the start of story of “The Reluctant Renunciate”. Barely halfway through and the Storyteller has had to stop as one of the Oath Mother/Oath Daughter pairs began arguing again. Given that they are all pretty much snowed in there for the winter, we figure that the pair will be great buddies by the spring thaw – if they don’t murder each other first!

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Spring Term Applications Accepted at Darkover University – Dalereuth Campus

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The Darkover University is opening its campus in Dalereuth for the Spring term. Some of the courses that will be available are:

“Swimming - 101” (An exemption exam certificate is available.)
“Synchronized Swimming - 201” (aka “Swimming with the Fishes”)
“Swimming With the Chieri - 401” (Advanced course, Comyn only)
“Sailing - 101” (Prerequisite: Swimming - 101, cheaters will not be resuscitated)
“Sailing and Avoiding Pirates - 201” (Prerequisite: Sailing - 101)
“Sailing on a Low-Metal and Low-Magnetic World - 202” (aka “I’m All At Sea”)
“Fishing - 101” (Prerequisite: Swimming - 101, cheaters will not be rescued)
“Fishing and Avoiding Large Sea Monsters - 201” (Prerequisite: Fishing - 101)
“Basics of Chocolate Making - 101” (Recommended for Comyn students)
“Chocolate Designs - 102”
“Cocoa and All Its Various Forms - 201”
“Chocolate As Its Own Food Group - 202”
“Getting Your Just Desserts - 301”
“Chocolate-Free Desserts - 302” (Course is offered free in anticipation of a low turnout.)
“Effective Methods of Hiding Your Chocolate - 1001” (Graduate course)

More courses will be added as required.[Please Note: The Dean of Admissions at Storn College informs us that courses from Darkover University are not transferable.]

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DDA Files Suit

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Legal representatives have filed suit against the Thendara Guard under the Darkovans with Disabilities Act, passed in the 49th year of Danvan Hastur’s Regency. The suit claims that J.O. Julian MacAnndra has been unlawfuly prevented from returning to active duty because of his confinement to a wheel chair. The ability of Esteban Alton to command the guard from a wheelchair has been cited as precedent for the case. Representatives for the DDA have cited numerous violations of the equal access code in their review of the castle. Matrix lifts have not been operational for years, there are no wheelchair ramps, the privy doors are not wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair, and the Dar-Kola machine outside the crystal chamber extends three inches too far into the corridor. The Darkovan Civil Liberties Union argues that nothing in MacAnndra’s duties would require him to have the use of his legs. Junior Officer MacAnndra should be just as capable as ever to wake Lord Danvan for comment when necessary. An unidentified source from the guard claims that MacAnndra will be fully recovered before the next council season, but both the DCLU and the DDA intend to continue the litigation in order to prevent future differently-abled guardsmen from being denied meaningful employment watching Lord Hastur sleep through meetings.

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DI Staff Benefits Increase

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Doevid Aldaran, publisher of the Darkovan Inquirer has informed the editor of the paper that he is increasing life and health insurance coverage for all employees. Upon hearing the news, the Unknown Reporter gave a sigh of relief underneath the bag.

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Issue #219, 24 August 2002

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Red Sun House Expanding

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Thendara’s most popular fun spot has opened a new branch in the Overworld. Mestra Jaianne, long time owner of the Red Sun House is reported to have decided to make the move to the Overworld to accomodate the needs of popular patron Darren MacBride, who has been stuck in the Overworld for what seemed like eons, but in Thendara time has only been a couple of days. No anouncement has been made about who will run the new branch, but the late Lord Marcello Ridenow’s name has been mentioned as a possible choice.

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Time to Make the Donuts!

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The old woman who fries the dough in the marketplace has some competition these days from Terranan chain shops. Krispy Kreme Donuts has set up shop in several Darkovan cities, drawing business away from these elderly half-blind widows for whom this is their sole means of support. The fad began when the fashionable Lady Storn insisted that the Storn Heights branch remain open 28 hours a day, 10 days a - er - tenday. In a related story, the Labor division of the Federation has been asked to intervene on behalf of the beleaguered workers. Apparently the work day and week are shorter in the Federation.

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Alton Donas Expanded?

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The Alton gift may have more flexibility than originally thought. Not only can the Command Voice be used on people (to order them to stop whatever they are doing, order them in or out of their bodies, etc.), but the historians at Darkover University are looking into old documents that indicate that it had a wider reach. The “Gardener’s Gift” (“Grow! Dammit! Grow!”); the “Brewer’s Gift” (“Ferment now!” Instant beer!); the Teacher’s Gift (“Learn it now!”); the “Comedian’s Gift” (“Laugh now!”); etc. Lord and Lady Storn are now investigating to see if it can be used to speed up the development of their offspring. (“Cells multiply now!”) Further studies are pending.

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Advertisement

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Pizza Hut Caer Donn is offering a meat-lovers special this week. You’ll get double the rabbithorn topping if you order a large pizza. We’ll even throw in a bottle of shallan!

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Issue #220, 31 August 2002

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New Matrix Being Tested

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MatrixOps Circle at Comyn Tower is currently testing a new matrix. They hope to have the circle back up to full functioning capacity over the next tenday – if the new bells and whistles don’t fall off first. Circle members were spotted dancing about in joy as the new matrix was delivered. Testing may be delayed however, until they can clean off the firi that was spilled all over it and the Keeper is, well, able to perform her duty again.

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Elhalyn of Stone Haven Nedestros Sought

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The revelation that the previous Lord of Stone Haven may have fathered more than one son has caused a call to go out to all individuals of unknown (or suspect) ancestry to report to the nearest Tower for DNA testing. One wonders about the children being reared in uterine replicators – how certain are the parents that errors haven’t been made?

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Peace and Goodwill Reign at Stone Haven Guildhouse

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Having survived their first Training Session, the members of the Stone Haven Guildhouse are trying to establish peaceful relations with each other after a very trying (and crying) time. Given the long winter ahead one hopes that this peace will last beyond the next Training Session.

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Tight Fit?

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While we welcome Mikhail DiAsturien back to Thendara, we can’t help but notice that his Guard uniform is fitting a little snugly around the waist. Better watch the doughnut intake, Mik

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Classifieds

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Lost: One Dom Danvan Hastur. Last seen: Various locations in Comyn Castle since the expedient wedding of Dom Auster Elhalyn of Stone Haven and Domna Callina di Asturien. Please contact Comyn Castle Security with any information. (Though if he’s seen in a compromising position, contact the DI first!)

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Issue #221, 7 September 2002Storn Wins Flower Award

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The Darkovan Good Housekeeping Society has bestowed this year’s coveted “Best Dried Arrangement” award to Lord and Lady Storn, despite heavy competition from Stone Haven, Thendara, and Caer Donn. The head judge, Marta MacStewart, declared that the “Piedro Arrangement” was the most striking exhibit she had seen. “It’s incredible,” she said. “It resembles the head technician of Dalereuth Tower almost exactly. And placing that bar of chocolate just out of his reach really highlights the pained expression on his face. My compliments to the gardeners that produced this masterpiece.” The prize, 100 silver reis, will be donated to the endowment fund at Storn College.

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Wedding Smells

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We at the DI congratulate all the officers in the Thendara Guard who have been promoted recently. However, a shortage of upper-officers’ uniforms has forced some men to wear the uniforms of their predecessors. In certain cases, the uniforms in question appear to have been unwashed for some time, leading to nicknames such as “Stinkypants”. Since our favorite Captain is about to be wed, we suggest that his fellow Guardsmen throw him a shower—emphasis on the shower part. Gifts such as deodorant, soap, and fresh underpants would be welcome to the bride, if no one else. We also advise that no one bring bean-and-fruit salad to the reception.

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Doggone Timewarps

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It appears that the two dogs belonging to Lord and Lady Storn have a Master Plan of their own. They were spotted heading to the Sunrise Tower, and mysterious blue light was seen coming from the Tower shortly after. We suspect they are trying to use an ancient matrix to create/teleport the largest doggie bone ever – probably a dinosaur-type one – hence the timewarps. We hope they’ll be able to make/teleport two of them, or it could be a “bone of contention” between them for years to come.

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Tempests in a Teacups, or Storns in Uterine Replicators – Is There a Difference?

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Lady Fianna Ridenow-Storn has suddenly been hit by the Aldaran gift, foreseeing their triplets as peaceful adults, while her husband Diego has ‘seen’ them arguing – possibly as to which one was firstborn from their replicator and therefore Heir to High Windward. The fact that the three are fraternal triplets gives rise to the ongoing question as to what other mistakes were possibly committed by the clinic. And why is Dom Piedro not trying harder to escape from the timewarp that he is trapped in – what does he know?

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Midwinter Romances at Comyn Tower

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The trainees are batting eyelashes and blushing at each other still at Comyn Tower, giving rise to (among other things) the concern that the kireseth leak may have got into the prestigious Tower. Just what ingredients went into those pancakes anyway? And just what was in the nutbread? At least they aren’t bathing together yet!

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Issue #222, 14 September 2002Warning to Cadets!

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We have received word that Jake Ridenow is about to receive a matrix. First-year cadets who oversleep may find themselves the victims of even more elaborate pranks. Whyhand MacKenzie—consider yourself warned as well. He hasn’t forgotten that incident in the baths.

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Update: Name the Chieri Baby Contest

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The DI editors have decided to terminate this contest due to lack of interest among the readers. It seems that everyone is more interested in naming the Storn triplets. Since the happy parents-to-be have seen flashes of their future offspring, perhaps they might want to name them accordingly.

If they all have the Rockraven donas: Thunder, Lightning, and Rain
If they all have the MacAran donas: Lyon, Tigra, and Baer (oh my!)
If they insist on emulating Lord Hastur: Sleepy, Dopey,and Grumpy
If they become historical music lovers: Prince, Paris, and Prince II
If they become Terranan-style businessmen: Dewey, Cheatum and Howe

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Business Failures Plague Caer Donn

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Some times the Terranan can be so foolish—just because many Terranan businesses have been successful in Caer Donn doesn’t mean that all businesses will succeed. Sure, Krispy Kreme, Pizza Hut, and Frederick’s of Hollywood have made their franchise owners lots of copper, but Hawaiian Shaved Ice? Eskimo Pies? Speedo? Apparently, they didn’t bother to study the local market well (although we did hear that Lord Auster has a Speedo)

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Ice Sculpture Contest a Success

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Nevarsin’s Ice Sculture Contest this season was stupendous. We have never seen such wonderful artistic creations. The best piece in the Historical Figures class was the depiction of Diego Storn and Frank Barber pretending to poison and torture Marcello Ridenow. The look of terror depicted on the face of the late Lord Serrais was priceless. Alas, as is true with all ice sculptures, even on Darkover, melting eventually destroys art.

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Matrix Memory Mishap for MatrixOps

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MatrixOps Circle at Comyn Tower has discovered that one of the memorychips in the new matrix was broken, possibly during delivery. The partying has been put on hold until a new chip can be ordered. Given the progression of time in Thendara, however, the MatrixOps Circle Keeper doubts anyone will actually notice.

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Reverse MacAran Donas?

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Strange incidents have been occurring where animals have been displaying signs of laran. Lorn Storn’s Shelties have been whirling like dervishes and contacting the Overworld, while one of Dom Auster’s horses has been trying to link to his foster daughter. Combined with the number of Terranan that seem to be displaying the Comyn-specific abilities, one has to wonder if the kiresth leak is more widespread than previously thought!

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Issue #223, 21 September 2002

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That’s Dom Hat Rack to You!

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Our long lost, beloved Dom Piedro Aillard has been found, disguised as a hat rack in High Windward. The tip off was the fact that the hats kept slipping to odd angles and would occasionally fall to the floor, half-burying Dalereuth’s First Technician. Due to this amazing discovery, searchers are now combing Comyn Castle, checking all miscellaneous objects in hopes of finding Dom Danvan. Hat racks, statuary, unidentifiable pieces d’art are all being scrutinized carefully. If that fails, they will start searching the aircar records to see if the missing Dom had taken a flight elsewhere on Darkover and is posing as a hat rack in another location.

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Last Meal?

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Dom Auster has gone all out to provide a picnic in the winter garden for his family and (some) retainers. In light of the fact that he will be involved in (yet another) duel the next day, could this be his symbolic last meal? And if so, is his opponent eating as appetizing a meal? He certainly can’t beat the entertainment factor that Dom Auster brings to events. The bookies are already taking bets as to how soon he and his new bride will be announcing his new heir.

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Driven Buggy

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After several customers complained of being bitten, the Pizza Hut in Caer Donn was sprayed this week to eliminate fleas in the dining room. No one is quite sure what vector allowed the little pests to start jumping everywhere.

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Related Insect News

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News has reached us that there is a plague of scorpion ants in Serrais. Their nasty little pinchers are showing up everywhere. One poor servant had a real surprise when she went to empty a chamberpot and found it full of the little horrors. She did say, though, that she’d seen stranger things in the pot, especially when Dom Marcello was still alive.

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Issue #224, 28 September 2002

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Stonehaven Health Spa to Open

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Dom Auster is exploring the idea that the mud at the bottom of his winter garden pond has health benefits. He will consider opening the garden to the public for a small fee, thereby increasing the estate funds previously depleted by his father. The warm, oxygen-rich, pollution-free air combined with the soon-to-be patented Stonehaven Mud Toner Packs should prove a welcome relief to winter-weary clients. Mestra Delphine may be able to be convinced to offer her services as a masseuse to stressed-out clients.

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Bachelor Party on the Rocks

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The Thendara Officers and Guards are holding a bachelor party for Captain Castamir, but the guest of honor has yet to be found. Rumor has it that the revered Captain could drink any of the men under the table, but that may be due solely to the fact that they started drinking long before he did. And the DI reporters want to know why they weren’t invited!

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Sticky Sheets

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Apparently, wealth has spoiled Lady Javanne; some of Dom Auster’s hedonistic habits are rubbing off on her. Now that she is heir to Stone Haven, she has begun taking her meals in bed. The maids are complaining about crumbs and jelly left behind in her sheets, and the long baths the Lady takes afterwards to clean her porcelain complexion. To make matters worse, she has created a marmalade shortage in the castle; rumor has it that she doesn’t even bother spreading it on bread before lapping it up.

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Dead and Horny

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While it’s always a pleasure to hear from the late Marcello Ridenow as he prowls the Overworld, we were a bit taken aback to find him thinking about carnal pleasures when he doesn’t have a body any more. He makes us remember what the ancient Terranan poet Andrew Marvell once said: “The grave’s a fine and private place, but none, I think, do there embrace.” (Can you believe the DI’s quoting poetry? Are we classy, or what?)

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Issue #225, 5 October 2002

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Personnel Change at the Castle

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Captain Rafael Castamir of Castle Security, a favorite among DI staff writers, will be absent from duty for at least a tenday following his wedding to Mestra Berana. In his absence, Valdir Alton has appointed a jackass to fill the post at the gate. The beast began its rounds today; according to early reports, no one entering the castle has noticed the difference.

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Sporting News

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Contestants flocked to the Broken Ryll this week to enter the newly announced belching competition. In the first round of the competition, Sgt. Rakhal MacGee has taken the award for most impressive belch after his musical rendition of “Fra Domenic’s Pockets”. The decision was made after his nearest competitor was disqualified. It turns out that Guardsman MacNabb, who claimed he could expel air from both ends at the same time, was disqualified when it was discovered that he was using a joke shop “Whoopee Cushion” to produce one of the sounds. Perhaps he should have waited until his friends had a few more drinks under their belts. It seems MacNabb’s barracks mates became suspicious when his competitive gassing of the Broken Ryll failed to produce the familiar smell that his gas leaves in the barracks after a night of drinking.

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Fleecing the Sheep

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There has been much discussion of off-season shearing of sheep at the Redil Guildhouse, but events this week make us think we need not worry that the woollies will be in danger of freezing. The ever-watchful reporters for the DI have uncovered a plan to open a full service casino in the Guildhouse barn. Even now the Guild sisters are training young Amos in the fine art of dealing cards, and it is rumored that slot machines are on the way. If they can only persuade Mestra Jaianne to relocate the Red Sun House to Redil with a few of her girls, Lord Hastur will be able to rest easier. Dom Auster will never think of leaving Stone Haven again.

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Kireseth Leak Spreading

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Reports that ladies at the Red Sun House are now suffering from hallucinations are causing concern that the kireseth leak has spread further than originally believed. The claims of one of the ladies that she had news about J.O. MacBride has raised the ire of at least one guard on duty, but gained the support of the others. Maybe J. O. MacKendrick should lighten up and maybe pay the ladies a visit to apologize, we’re sure they’d be more than happy to accommodate his needs.

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Catastrophic Cat Litter Woes

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Apparently Clawdette of Catmandu hasn’t been near cat litter in days, causing Domna Emelda to suddenly panic about their feline escort. Surely m’dear you’d have realized that Clawdette is perfectly acclimatized to the “great outdoors”, unlike the—um—more fastidious Comyn.

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Issue #226, 12 October 2002

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Firi Dampers?

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A Terranan lass with emerging laran is of the belief that alcohol will act as a damper in controlling various donas. If proven true, it could prove to be useful in controlling wild talents, especially uncontrolled Alton ones. Cadets spending their Midwinter break at Comyn Tower may find this information useful. Tests are currently being conducted at The Broken Rryll and the results should be available within the next tenday. Alcohol enhanced with kirian, however, is not recommended.

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DI Clearing House Sale

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The DI is cleaning house to make more room for new equipment and as such some of the older stuff is being sold. Old equipment such as transcription matrices, eavesdropping matrices—er—translation matrices, various reporting tools (outdated), some of the less ergonomic desks and chairs, and even a collection of the Unknown Reporter’s paper bags are rumored to be on the auction block. The new equipment, once installed, will enable the DI staff to be even more efficient in gathering stories—which we are led to understand are actually read by some of the people we write about!

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The Sexual Revolution Comes to Darkover

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...and it’s dull. The newest craze among the more sophisticated Comyn is reproduction without sex. Not to be outdone by Lord and Lady Storn, who are growing their children in a vat, Dom Auster has arranged the conception of an heir without the bother of actually sleeping with his wife. This is a surprise, since he has slept with almost every woman in the Domains. He swore to treat his wife differently, but we didn’t think he would carry it to this extreme.

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Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

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The Thendara Division of Air Quality has issued a citation for an egregious violation of outdoor fire regulations in the Old Town. Most violations of clean air standards take place in the Trade City, but officials could not ignore the gas cloud hovering over the MacAnndra townhouse. Residents were forced to evacuate the neighborhood while the source was investigated; it turned out to be Julian MacAnndra’s clothing. Apparently he has adopted Captain Stinkypants’ habits in more ways than one. Farren MacAnndra was ordered to pay a fine and warned never to burn anything more toxic than leaves again.

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Secret Passages

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The trainees at Comyn Tower need a more rigorous program. While one trainee spends hours napping upstairs with her pet duck, two others nose around in the library, attempting to find some of the secret passageways and hidden rooms rumored to exist in the Tower. We can understand why Jake Ridenow might need to find a hiding place, though, since he has been warned by several people that his behavior could get him challenged to a duel. Tower life is already having an effect on his manhood, though; he has had to ask Riona Haldar for assistance in lifting his candlestick.

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Issue #227, 19 October 2002

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Noise Disturbance at the Broken Ryll

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Residents of the Old Town were awakened last night by the sound of bloodcurdling caterwauling. It was feared that a banshee had come down from the Venza Mountains in search of a bride. Citizens attempting to alert the Guard discovered that not only was the Guard aware of the disturbance, but one young officer was the cause of it. This morning, citizens petitioned the Cortes to ban Alan Ridenow from ever singing in public again, and to reimburse them for the shattered windows that needed to be replaced.

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High Spirits

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Perhaps the spirit of Marcello Ridenow would not be causing so much trouble in the Overworld if he were getting half as much action as Darren MacBride. MacBride has broken all previous records for out-of-body sexual encounters. The previous record holder was Cyrilla of Corandolis, who tried to personally make up for all those years of enforced chastity among Keepers. A connection with the current ruined condition of the Tower has not been established. One wonders if Darren MacBride’s body will be in a similar state of disrepair as his lovers gather at his bedside and meet one another.

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New Show Premiers

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MBM, the Matrix Broadcasting Network, has made some mid-season changes to its lineup. Faulty Tower has been cancelled in favor of an evening soap opera, Darkovan Dynasty. The first episode will introduce an Elhalyn Prince who expects his new bride to accept his barragana and foster the illegitimate daughter she bore to him after a dalliance in the Tower. It is expected to rival As Darkover Turns in popularity, and may be slated to run opposite it in future seasons.

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And Speaking of As Darkover Turns

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We have to wonder how long Emelda Hastur-Harris is going to be eating that pizza in Caer Donn. Will she ever return to Terra to write more scripts? Will her black Terranan husband lose his job if he doesn’t get back soon? Will Clawdette get declawed? Stay tuned for another episode.

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Issue #228, 26 October 2002

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(Blood)Sports News

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Despite being snowed in and unable to visit the Gatehouse, Dom Auster has still found a way to entertain the troops. Jaco and donuts will be served to the men tomorrow morning as they enjoy an arranged duel between Lord Stone Haven and his former Master-of-Arms, Roberto Aranas. Betting is hot and heavy with all that extra money, and the odds are even. Dom Auster has been in more than forty successful duels, the most recent of which took place only a few days ago at the old dueling grounds outside of Thendara. Master Sergeant Aranas does not have Lord Stone Haven’s reputation for dueling, but has instructed men in the use of the sword for years. In their youth, the two often sparred together, which means they should be familiar with one another’s moves and weaknesses. Unless Dom Auster learned some unusual moves in the brothels of Vainwal, of course.

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Missing Persons

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The absence of Jake Ridenow has been noted by the kitchen staff of Comyn Tower, who are accustomed to seeing him every quarter candlemark. The kyrri were sent to investigate, and discovered that Riona Haldar is also missing. Rumors are circulating in the Tower that they hiding from Lieutenant Haldar, who is suspicious of young Ridenow's influence on his sister. We romantics at the DI, however, prefer to think they have eloped for a mountain marriage. The only think that could keep Jake Ridenow from the dinner table would be a meal and a girl.

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Search Expanded

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The search for Dom Danvan Hastur has been expanded. Numerous coat racks, hat racks and other miscellaneous items have been pulled from dusty cupboards, hidden passages and the like, but none have turned out to be the missing Dom. Given that a large number of the guards wish to take time off at Midwinter, the job has been reassigned to Tower trainees. By all appearances the trainees have been successful in finding hidden passages, but it remains to be seen if they can find the missing Dom.

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Recycling Comes to Darkover

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The local doughnut shops have started a recycling program for their paper bags, sending them to the DI Editorial Offices. In between reporting shifts, the Unknown Reporter has been hard at work piecing them together into larger bags. Additional advertising contracts are also in the works.

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The Undead

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Marcello Ridenow’s recent appearance in the Sunrise Tower at High Windward adds new meaning to life after death. The late Lord Serrais gets more action after his death than Danvan Hastur gets in real life. His latest encounter with the Storns makes us wonder why he keeps showing up there instead of at his ancestral home. Don’t the Storns have enough to worry about with triplets incubating at the Durona Clinic, two catatonic dogs, and Dom Piedro Aillard eating all their chocolate?

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Issue #229, 2 November 2002

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Darkovan Thermometer Introduced

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Due to the extreme weather available on Darkover, a new thermometer is being designed at the Darkovan University in the Hellers to help citizens determine just how cold it really is out there. Some suggested temperature gauges: “Midsummer”, “Cold”, “Cold, cold and damned cold”, “Cold as a Banshee Chick”, “Colder than the Hellers at Dawn”, “Midwinter”, “Colder than Zandru’s Ninth Hell”. Further suggestions are welcome.

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Trembling Tramontana

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A psychic wave which seemed to emanate from the area around Storn Heights struck Tramontana Tower with deadly force, knocking the Tower out of the relays and leaving us wondering about the fate of the staff. While Tramontana is the smallest of the active towers, it is an essential part of communications throughout Aldaran, and its loss, however temporary, will have severe effects.

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Fish Harvest Poor in Temora

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The fishing fleets off the coast of Temora report poor harvest this season. There is fear in this coastal city that the lack of fish is a precursor to another deadly earthquake striking the town that has yet to heal completely from the last devastating quake and tsunami. Travelers throughout the Domains should exercise caution if their journey takes them in the vicinity of Temora.

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Ice Mice Nice?

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The Pizza Hut in Caer Donn’s newest topping, ice mice, has attracted the attention of many cat people. The delivery carriage has made numerous runs through the Hellers to bring pizza to the hungry souls in Corresanti. We have not been able to confirm rumors that Clawdette has been hired as a company spokeperson for the new product.

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