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This page was last edited: 04 January 2002 (Please click on the headings below)
Yasser
Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult
a psychic about the date of his death. Closing
her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the
answer. "You
will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?" Arafat asks
nervously. "It
doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "whenever you die. it will be a Jewish
holiday"
her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words because they have to repeat everything they say to men.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
A
guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
Full Circle (Life is So Funny)
At
age 4....success is...not peeing in your pants. At
age 12...success is...having friends. At
age 17...success is...having a driver license. At
age 20...success is...having sex. At
age 35...success is...having money. At
age 50...success is...having money. At
age 60...success is...having sex. At
age 70...success is...having a driver license. At
age 75...success is...having friends. At
age 80...success is...not peeing in your pants.
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to
The men wrote: "Woman, without
her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman!
without her, man is nothing."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, The Lone friend.
"Tonto, look
up at the sky and tell me "Me
see millions of stars." "What
Tonto ponders for a minute. there are millions of Astrologically,
it tells me that approximately a quarter past all powerful and we we will have a
The
Lone Ranger is someone has stolen
Why
do men pass gas more than women?
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at "Don! 'Don't you know a cow I said "I didn't
When I was younger I hated going to the wedding....it seemed that all my aunts and grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next."
Its amazing. You will understand the above word by the end of the conversation. . . . Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service published
in the Far East
Room Service (RS):
"Morny. Ruin sorbees." Guest (G):
"Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS:
"Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" G:
"Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS:
"Ow July den?" G:
"What??" RS:
"Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?" G :
"Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS:
"Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G:
"Crisp will be fine." RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" G:
"What?" RS:
"San tos. July San tos?" G:
"I don't think so." RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G:
"I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means." RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
we G:
"English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G:
"No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G:
"I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G:
"Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G:
"Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy G:
"Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud." G :
"You're welcome."
Men are
like....... walk
all over them for years. generate much
interest. right for
your hips. up all
night long. memory. anywhere. in your
hair. hang of it. usually
wrong. the ones
that are left are handicapped or extremely small. the table. how many inches
you'll get, or how long they will last. of
cleaning up their crap. thru
them.
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
1.
Never raise your hands to your kids.
2.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy
3.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4.
I'm desperately trying to figure out
5.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of
6.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should
specific.
7.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
when you take him in a car
8.
Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is
anyone going faster is a maniac?
9.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10 You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60.
11.
They show you how detergents take out
you've got a T-shirt
isn't your biggest problem.
12.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their
you it's because they're
beautiful, but I only have photographs of her
13.
One out of every three Americans is suffering
mental illness. Think of two
then it
Future historians will be able to study at the Ford Library,
What
do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
(Frostbite.)
What
do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
(Dam! Why
do gorillas have big nostrils?
(Because they have big fingers. What
kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
(Sanka. Why
do Pilgrims' pants always fall down? (Because
they wear belt buckle on their hat.) What is the new O. J. Simpson web site address? (slash.slash.backslash.escape)
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? (One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.....the other is used to carry groceries.)
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? (K9P)
Why don't blind people like to sky dive? (It scares the shit out of the dog.)
Where do you find a dog with no legs? (Right where you left him.)
How
are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? (Somebody's
gonna lose a trailer.
What is the definition of macho? (Jogging home from your own vasectomy.)
What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office? (They're hiring)
How the Company Views Its Employees. (HE vs SHE)
The family picture is on HIS desk. Ah, a solid, responsible family man. The family picture is on HER desk. Umm, her family will come before her career.
HIS desk is cluttered. He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man. HER desk is cluttered. She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain.
HE
is talking with his co-workers. He must be discussing the latest deal. SHE is talking with her co-workers. She must be gossiping.
HE
is not at his desk. He must be at a meeting. SHE
is not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.
HE
is not in the office. He's meeting with customers. SHE
is not in the office. She must be out shopping.
HE
is having lunch with the boss. He
is on his way up. SHE
is having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.
The boss criticised HIM. He'll improve his performance. The boss criticised HER. She'll be very upset.
HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry? HE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?
HE
is getting married. He'll get more settled. SHE is getting married. She'll get pregnant and
leave.
HE
is having a baby. He'll need a raise. SHE
is having a baby. She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
HE
is going on a business trip. It's good for his career. SHE
is going on a business trip. What does her husband say?
HE
is leaving for a better job. He knows how to recognise a good opportunity. SHE
is leaving for a better job. Women are not dependable.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row.
When one.
I figure no they
are always locking three of
Smart
man + smart woman = romance Smart
man + dumb woman = pregnancy Dumb
man + smart woman = affair Dumb
man + dumb woman = marriage Smart
boss + smart employee = profit Smart
boss + dumb employee = production Dumb
boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb
boss + dumb employee = overtime A
man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A
woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A
woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A
man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A
successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man. To
be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all. Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing
to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men
wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the night. A
woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A
woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are only TWO times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
A man is incomplete until he's married. And then he's finished. [Zsa Zsa Gabor, Actress]
Why
did the Chicken Cross the Road? GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't believe we need to get the chickens across them
decide. The chickens so they can get
VICE PRESIDENT GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the road!
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship journey and in their own
way.
SECRETARY CHENEY: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They They don't crossing the
RALPH NADER: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil makers to believing up with
PAT
BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you going to Yes, my become abomination phrases like the road. It's as
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? I've not been told!
ERNEST
HEMINGWAY: To die. In
the rain.
MARTIN
LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a
world where all chickens will be free
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL
MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
CAPTAIN
JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross balance your of
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean
LOUIS
FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken
crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen pond.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly --- from far above --- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female She opened
it
then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again she went. As
the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled
by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To
which she replied, "There certainly is"
(are you ready?)......"My stupid computer
keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.' "
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?" Blonde, "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
She
was so blonde............. She
took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept She
sent me a fax with a stamp on it She
thought a quarterback was a refund She
put M&M's in alphabetical order She
thought Boyz II Men was a day care center She
thought Earth Kitt was a set of garden tools She
thought General Motors was in the Army At
the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius" She
tripped over a cordless phone She
spent 20 minutes looking at the Orange Juice can because it said, "Concentrate" She
told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk"
Take one minute break, then continue reading.
She was so Blonde............. She
asked for a price check at the Dollar Store She
studied for a blood test She
thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train" When
she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead When
she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned
around and went home When
she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved If
she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless She
thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening She
sold the car for gas money She
thinks "Taco Bell" is the Mexican phone company
No
Nativity Scene
in
Washington, D.C. this Christmas.
Gore and the Clinton's are flying on the Air Force One. Bill looks at Al and says, "I could throw a $100 bill out the window and make one person happy. "
Al chuckles and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people happy.
" Then Hillary says, "I could throw 100 $1 bills out the window and make 100 people happy. "
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them, and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy".
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, butonly 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush said, "I am President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people." I am also the smartest president ever. So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, said, I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die." So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, and a New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world." So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year o ld boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy scout said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. THE WORLD'S smartest president took my backpack."
Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. reassembled and Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the order to shoot was given, Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al
slipped over the wall. thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." he grinned and yelled, "Fire!"
The
following is an actual question given on a University of WA chemistry (absorbs
heat)?
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter sure
that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
Top Ten Signs That You Have Made Too Many Scuba Dives (Written by the readers of Scuba Diving Online for Scuba Divers)
10) You have to put your total number of dives in scientific notation.
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