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This page was last edited: 03 July 2001
(Please click on the headings below)
Chu, Bu and Fu were Chinese immigrants in the USA. When they arrived to New to
Doctor Darren had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure: "Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're also single. Let it go......"
But invariably the other voice in his head would bring him back to reality: "Darren, you're a vet....."
A
businessman boards a flight and is seated next to
He asks her about it and she replies,
"Tonto
Greenberg, nice to meet you."
One
night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow
and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected,
turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and
taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?"
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 60% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 15% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 5% of the time it's in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts. Effective January 1, 2001, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10" - 12" Luxury Tax 8" - 10" Pole Tax 5" - 8" Privilege Tax 4" - 5" Nuisance Tax Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone
under 4" is eligible for a refund. Are there penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
A
couple had been married for 50 years.
They
were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the wife says, "Just think, fifty years sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I
know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here
naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well,"
Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon
the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady "My nipples are as hot for you today
"I
wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
The Italiano tourist wrote a complaint
letter to the Manager of a
in London. The letter read as
follows :
Dear
Signor Diretorre
Now
I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella. I comma
from Palermo as tourist to London
and stay as a young man at your How can
I
calla down the receptione and "Go to the toillett".
I said "No, no. I said "You
betta not shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch?!
I
go down to ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs an
two
"I I better not who do not
even sonnawabitch?
Later
I go dinner into restorante. Spoon and knife is laid but no I tella waitress "I wanna fock",
and shell tella me "Sure
wanna fock". I tell her "No, No. You don't understand me. I wanna
on the table". She then tell me "So you sonnawabitch, wanna
fock
on
So
I go to the receptione and ask more.
When I have pay the bills, and peace
be with you" I say "Piss on
I go back to Italy!
I never more
comma stay in your hotella, you sonnawabitch!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two
asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
"You
foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady lady idignantly. "In this
country we don't
talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said
the man. "Whose atalkin' abouta sexa? I'am a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Three girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple
question." "Which is.......?",
they replied in unison. "Have you been a good
girl?", he asked the first girl. "Oh yes", she said.
"I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got
married." "Very good", said
St. Peter. "Angel, give this
girl... the golden key." "Have you been a good
girl?", he asked the second girl. "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not "Very good", said
St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key." "Have you been a good
girl?", he asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all", she said. " I have so much experience. I practically have sex with every guy I Anywhere, anytime
and in any position they wish". "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl. . . . . my room key!"
A
man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he goes into her breast. They are both quite
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
She replies,
For
his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation!"
Maria
is a Devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She with her second husband. Maria
dies. At
her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin,
looks up to the heavens and says, "At last, they're finally together." A
man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean The
priest says, "I mean her legs."
What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? 1 US Leader
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers? Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.
What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One....Men will screw anything.
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? Beat IT-we're closed.
Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What is another name for pickled bread? Dill-dough.
Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? She's withholding evidence.
Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
What is the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme.
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!" "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!" "Can we do it standing up?" "NO, NO, NO! Absolutely not!" cries the rabbi. "Why not?" asks the man. "Could lead to dancing!"
Bill
worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to
his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He
had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His
wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One
day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's
wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do
you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh,
Bill, you didn't." "Yes,
I did." "My
God, Bill, what happened?" "I
got fired." "No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...
she got fired too."
A flying was soaring 6 inches above the lake's surface.
A nearby fish considers,
"If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it!"
A nearby bear considers, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump
A nearby hunter considers, "If that fly drops inches, the fish would jump out
A nearby mouse considers, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, the bear would grab the fish, the hunter would shoot the
A nearby cat considers, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump out bear, the
pounce on the
Suddenly, to everyone surprise, the chain
of events begin!
The fly drops 6 inches, the fish jumps out of the water, the bear grabs the his
The moral of the story is. . . . "A Pussy Usually Gets
Wet When A Fly Drops 6 Inches."
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