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This page was last edited: 04 January 2002 (Please click on the headings below)
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice!"
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Father, it is not just you. I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the red,
The old man just stared.
The young man said, " wild in your life?"
The old just wondering
Men of Different Nationalities
Two British men and a lady were stranded on a deserted island, they let the woman decided which man should have her.
Two American men and a lady were stranded on a deserted island, they each took gentlemanly turns with the lady.
Two South African men and a lady were stranded on a deserted island, the two fought and one killed the other to have the lady.
Two French men and a lady were stranded on a deserted island, they killed the lady to have each other.
Two Singaporean men and a lady were stranded on a deserted island, the two are still awaiting for instructions from the government.
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
He came the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain to announce that he'll be landing the big scary lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a I the
She calmly turned her head and said,
"In
my country, I am called a Princess.
I take order from no
one.
"To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a
Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch!”
During her annual check up, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and
climb onto the examining table. "Doctor,"
she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've "Your
clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of
mine."
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their I'm still am
"What?" said the puzzled
groom, "How can that be if you've been
married TEN
"Well," she explained, " Husband #1 was a Sales Representative - he kept telling me how
Husband #2 was in Software Services - he was never really sure how it was
Husband #3 was from Field Services - he said everything checked diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing - even though he knew he had the order, he
Husband #5 was an Engineer - he understood the basic process but wanted state-of-the-art system.
Husband #6 was from Management - he thought he knew how, but he wasn't
Husband #7 was in Marketing - although he had a nice product, he was never
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist - all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist - all he ever did was look at it.
Husband#10 was a stamp collector - all he ever did was. . . .God! I REALLY miss him!!!!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"
"You're a
lawyer," she said, "This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.
While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh, my god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious.
"Where the hell have you been!"?
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."
"Let me see your hands!" she demands.
He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out
bowling again!"
A single mother was going to give birth, a priest went into the hospital for do not on the priest, So the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the "Father, you're not going to "What?" asked the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a
child!" "But that's impossible!" cried the priest.
"I just did the operation,"
Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by and one day the priest realizes that he must tell "Son , I have The
son said, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The
priest replied, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and see her.
He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous!" "What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up." she replied.
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. " He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how he got on."
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the tables, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the table top. It was terrible!"
"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years. . . . but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the
body's
systems, so without me nothing would
happen".
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen allover, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give
all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
it needs to
go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it
goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste
removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got
wobbly, the eyes got watery
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? You don't have to be
important to be in charge.
. . . Just an asshole.
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally, the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured" and refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."
He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once
a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you
The guy asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's
over?"
The witch doctor says "All
you or your partner has to say is '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. But be
warned, it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1-2-3"
and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
Once
upon a time there lived a king. The
king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But
there was a problem. Everything
the princess touched would melt. No
matter what; metal, wood, plastic anything she touched would melt. Because
of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody
would dare marry her. The king
despaired. What
could he do to help his daughter? He
consulted his wizards and magicians. One
wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be
cured." The
king was overjoyed. The
next day, he held a competition. Any
man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would
marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three
young princes took up the challenge. The
first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But
alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The
prince went away sadly. The
second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But
alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He
too was sent away disappointed. The
third prince approached. He
told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in
there." The
princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She
felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And
it did not melt!!! The
king was overjoyed. Everybody
in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What
was the object in the prince's pants? >
>> >> >>>> (Scroll
down if you need help with the answer) >
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>> >> >>>> >
>> >> >>>>They were M&M's of course. >
>> >> >>>>They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. >
>> >> >>>> >
>> >> >>>>WHAT were you thinking? =END=
Olympic
Condom
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the "Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three "What color are you
going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course"
says the man proudly. The wife responds riley, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you
A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right
in the crotch. When he finally got himself
to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week,
and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep
it straight. It should be
okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the her
clothes to reveal her beautiful body, a and. . .
.(you know what). This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no The man had a big smile on his face, tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!"
A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you.
Wear your best suit and an expensive tie." and asked what he should do.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother
what to wear on her wedding night. Her her best friend, she got conflicting advice: 'Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"
The man did not understand: "But Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "You're going to get
screwed."
Two couples were playing cards. Todd accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Mark's wife, Ann, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Todd hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Todd went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Ann followed him and asked," Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Todd admitted, "Well, yes I did." Ann said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After thinking a minute, Todd says he is interested. Ann tells him that since Mark works Friday afternoons and Todd doesn't, that he should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Todd went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying Ann the $500, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Todd left.
Mark came home about 6:00 PM and asked Ann, "Did Todd come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Ann replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Mark asked, "Did Todd give you $500?"
Ann thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $500." "Good," Mark says. "Todd came by my office this morning and borrowed the $500 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
A
little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says,
"Well call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The
little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the
Future is in Deep Shit.
The Origin of a Christmas Tradition
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys pressure of
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed he found that three jumped the fence and were out,
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the Santa went
When he went to hidden the liquor, and there he accidentally dropped the cider of little pieces all over the kitchen
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the to the
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Santa.
Isn't it a lovely would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!
An
American tourist went into a restaurant in a for dinner, and asked to
the dish arrived, he asked what kind of
"Sir,
these are the cojones," the waiter
"The
what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They
are testicles of the bull killed in the the waiter.
"They are the The
tourist gulped, but tasted the dish anyway,
Returning
the following evening, he asked for finished the meal, the tourist are much smaller than the ones
"True,
sir," said the waiter. "You see, the
In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman
was
As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus,
she became
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still could not make the step.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line
picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step
of the bus.
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I
would agree with
Good:
Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
"OLD IS WHEN'...Your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love,"
and
"OLD IS WHEN"...Going bra-less pulls the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD IS WHEN"...An "all nighter" means not getting up to
pee. "OLD IS WHEN"...Your friends congratulate you on your new alligator
shoes
and
"OLD IS WHEN"....A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens
"OLD IS WHEN"...You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you
"OLD IS WHEN"...You are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead
of by the police.
"OLD IS WHEN"...Getting a little action means I don't need to take any
fiber today.
"OLD IS WHEN"...Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution
A man is driving down a lonely road in northern Nevada when he passes a sign.... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was a figment of his imagination, and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says.... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third.... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE Of PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT. His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads.... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - WELCOME.
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door."
The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup.
He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
A religious man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The
man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a He queries the minister and received the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not
pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: In other
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