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This page was last edited: 04 January 2002 (Please click on the headings below)
1.
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole lawyers hostage? demands were
met.
2.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their They
had pictures of lawyers
on them which side to spit on.
3.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a She has an uncontrollable craving for
4.
How does an attorney sleep?
First
he lies on one on the other.
5.
How many lawyer jokes are there? None.
The
6.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light One
to climb the ladder. One to shake company.
7.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and save one of them, would you do your laundry or walk your
dog?
8.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
9.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
10.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your
11.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.
12.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His
13.
Why does California have the most lawyers in the New
Jersey have the most toxic waste
Three
friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends them say about The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and of tomorrow." The
last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say....'LOOK!
HE'S MOVING!!!' "
A woman walks into a shop that sells
expensive Persian Rugs. She
As
she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks has
noticed her little accident. As she turns, there, standing next to
"Good day M'am, how may we help you today ?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit your pants when you hear the price!"
God made the stars and rested. God made the earth and rested. God made man and rested. Then God made woman. . . . and since neither God nor man has rested.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, ago, but
The woman replied, "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30
feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me
is correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you
know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are hot you expect the same it's my fault."
NOTICE
OF REVO
November 2000 To
the citizens of the United States of America, In
the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed. To
aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect: 1.
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using
the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication.
Look up "interspersed". 2.
There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. 3.
You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. 4.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
guys. 5.
You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to
get confused and give up half way through. 6.
You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by 2005. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if there 8.
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national
holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we 10.
Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank
you for your cooperation.
Can Anyone Beat This? (The author of this one must be a genius)
Boudreaux
went into the fish market to apply for a job.
The boss thought
to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set
a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions
and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an
argument.
The
first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number
Boudreaux
says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The
boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux
says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair
enough" says the boss. "Second
questions, same rules, but represent
99".
Boudreaux
stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
The
boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
Boudreaux
answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n
tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The
boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so
says, "All right, question number 3. Same
rules again, but this
represent the number 100."
Boudreaux
stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He
a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go
The
boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha!
got him this time."
He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if
you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux
leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree
and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so
ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty which makes 100.
When
do I start my job?"
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count,"1, 2, 3, 4,5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Georgia, Mississippi, and South Calorina.
After
much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent
Van Gogh had many relatives. Among
them were: His
dizzy aunt -- Verti Gogh The
brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh The
brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop'n Gogh The
grandfather from Yugoslavia -- U Go The
brother who bleached his clothes white -- Hue Gogh The
cousin from Illinois -- Chica Gogh His
magician uncle -- Wherediddy Gogh His
Mexican cousin -- Amee Gogh The
Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Grin Gogh The
nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wellsfar Gogh The
constipated uncle -- Cant Gogh The
ballroom dancing aunt -- Tan Gogh The
bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh His
nephew psychoanalyst -- E Gogh The
fruit loving cousin -- Man Gogh An
aunt who taught positive thinking -- Wayto Gogh The
little bouncy nephew -- Poe Gogh A
sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh And
his niece who travels the country in a van
-- Winnie Bay Gogh
The
Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Pacific Highway for left of As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue "There's no way they can catch my BMW," he thought to himself and opened The
needle hit 160, 180.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What
am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it "It's
been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a "Have
a nice weekend," said the officer.
Fred and Irving were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Fred suddenly dove into the deep end, sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Irving promptly jumped in to save him.
The medical director came to know of Irving's heroic act. He immediately ordered that Irving be discharged from the Mental hospital, as he considered him to be okay.
Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news Irving." "The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you were able to risk your own life to save another fellow human being you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that Fred, the patient whom you saved, hung himself in the bathroom and died."
Irving replied, "No he didn't, I hung him there to dry."
Sometimes It DOES Take a Rocket Scientist
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and details of the experiment performed, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
After reviewing all the data sent, NASA responded with a short one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
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