St. Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really needs
 to go to the bathroom.  He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a
 few minutes, and Jesus says "Fine."  St. Peter takes the book 
which lists everyone who's supposed to get into Heaven with him 
to the bathroom to have something to read.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees this old man leading 
a donkey up from Earth to Heaven.  He notices the old 
man has carpenters tools with him.

When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus tells him he doesn't  
have the book, but asks the old man to explain his life 
and why he felt he should be admitted into Heaven. 
 Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him
 in based on the story.

The man explains "In English, my name would be Joseph,
 but I didn't live in America or England.  I lived a modest
 life, making things out of wood.  I'm not remembered 
very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard
 of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad
 to him, he didn't really come into this world in the 
usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World.  
He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to 
associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters,
 although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. 
 My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven 
is to be reunited with my son.

Jesus is awestruck by the man's story.  He looks into
 the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, 
and asks, "Pinocchio?"

  In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene"
 that showed great skill and talent had gone into 
creating it.  One small feature bothered me.

  The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. 
 Totally unable to come up with a reason or 
explanation, I left.

  At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the 
lady behind the counter about the helmets.  She exploded
 into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do 
read the Bible!"  I Assured her that I did, but simply
 couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. 

 She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and
 ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger
 at a passage.  Sticking it in my face she said "See, 
it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar."

 Two young blonde women are sitting at a restaurant
 in such an obviously celebratory mood that the waiter
 drifts over curious as to their good spirits.

 When he gets close he hears one say to the other
 "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the waiter says, 
"Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"

 Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well,
 we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw
 puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we
 finished it in only 17 days!"

 

I worked with an individual who plugged their power 
 strip back into itself and for the life of them 
could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

   Ö.,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö
 
1st Person:  "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person:  "A little.  What's wrong?" 
1st Person:  "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called
             back to say all she received was a cover-sheet
             and a blank page. 
             I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 
2nd Person:  "How did you load the sheet?" 
1st Person:  "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't
             want anyone else to read it by accident, so I 
             folded it so only the recipient would open it
             and read it."  <~{Duh}
 
   Ö.,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö
 
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
  "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I
 should have replaced the battery in this remote door 
unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.
 
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
 would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. 
 Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.  "No,just this
 remote 'thingy'", she answered, handing it and the car
 keys to me.

  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,
 I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check
 about the batteries...it's a long walk."

    Ö.,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö
  
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." 
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?" 
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
  
    Ö.,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö
 
  My friend called his car insurance company to tell them 
to change his address from Texas to Vermont.  The woman who
 took the call asked where Vermont was. 

 As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look,
I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
  
    Ö.,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö
 
  Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.
  One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
 "I'm almost out of typing paper, what do I do?"  
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. 
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece
 of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make 
five blank copies.
  
     Ö.,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö
 
 I was working the help desk.  One day one of the computer
 operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would
 happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. 

 I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing.
 She said, "never mind" and hung up. 
So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. 
 I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
  
     Ö.,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö
 
 One of our servers crashed.  I was watching our new system
administrator trying to restore it.  He inserted a CD and
 needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." 
He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key
 for that line thing?" 
 I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know,
 that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." 
 I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah,
that's it!" <~um, System Administator?? Yikes!
  
     Ö.,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö
 
 This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to
discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator,
  making it impossible to move the lamp while the 
cord was attached.

  He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. 
 He didn't remember to unplug it first.

 I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth. 
  
     Ö.,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö
 
 I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor
 home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle 
was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally 
looked like an extra in "Twister." 

 I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me that
 the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back
 to make a sandwich. 
  
     Ö.,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö
 
 I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.  
The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. 
 Would you like to hold?"     (Ummmmmmmm, well, let's see?)
  
   -Ö.,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö,¸¸,.-Ö····-.,¸¸Ö,.-····-.,,Ö
 
 I rented a movie from Blockbuster.  Before the movie begins
 a message comes on the screen saying,
 "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." 

Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen
 I have?"

 * If Barbie is so popular, why do you have
   to buy her friends?

 * Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 
 * Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
 
 * I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
 
 * I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
 
 * Early bird gets the worm, but the second 
   mouse gets the cheese
 
 * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she 
   left me before we met
 
 * I intend to live forever - so far, so good
 
 * Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
 
 * Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
 
 * Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
 
 * The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
 
 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having
   enough sense to be lazy.
 
 * If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

 * If everything seems to be going well,
   you have obviously overlooked something
 
 * Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

 * When I'm not in my right mind,
   my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  
 * If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
 
 * Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
 
 * What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 
 * Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
 
 * How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
 
 * Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
 
 * Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
 
 * OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 
 * Black holes are where God divided by zero.
 
 * All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.