MY COLLECTION OF HUMOR II

CARD'S COLLECTION OF HUMOR II

Cowboy Logic

Never kick a fresh "patty" on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.
Neither one works.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, 
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do
is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgement comes from experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person
don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around,
be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier 'n puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to know what it is,
but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

THINGS TO PONDER


 * If Barbie is so popular, why do you have
   to buy her friends?

 * Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 
 * Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
 
 * I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
 
 * I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
 
 * Early bird gets the worm, but the second 
   mouse gets the cheese
 
 * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she 
   left me before we met
 
 * I intend to live forever - so far, so good
 
 * Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
 
 * Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
 
 * Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
 
 * The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
 
 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having
   enough sense to be lazy.
 
 * If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

 * If everything seems to be going well,
   you have obviously overlooked something
 
 * Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

 * When I'm not in my right mind,
   my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  
 * If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
 
 * Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
 
 * What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 
 * Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
 
 * How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
 
 * Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
 
 * Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
 
 * OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 
 * Black holes are where God divided by zero.
 
 * All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The Lemon


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest
man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran
into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win $1,000.
Many people had tried over time(weightlifters,longshoremen,
 et cetera), but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in,wearing thick glasses 
and a polyester suit.  In a tiny, squeaky voice he said, 
" I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away.  Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
 lemon rind to the little man.  
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man
 clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into 
the glass.  
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked
 the little man, "What do you do for a living?
  Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied," I work for the IRS."


The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at
the entrance.

A cat shows up.

St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and
didn't cause any trouble,
 so I want to offer a gift to you of one special 
thing you have always wanted."
Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow
like my master had, so I could lie on it."
St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow
after you enter in."

Next a group of mice appeared.
 
St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth.
 You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. 
Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."
The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children
playing and saw
them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it
looked like so much fun.
 So can we each have some roller skates, please?"
St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates,
 and sees the cat. 
"Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that 
"Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

Jesus is watching you!


A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables,
and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,
disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin.
He clicked his flashlight off and froze. 
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score,
then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. "
 
Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked,
"I'm just trying to warn you." 
The burglar relaxed. 
"Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered:
"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"


A farmer and his wife went to a fair.
The farmer, who had never been on an airplane,
was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked
 the pilot how much aride would cost. 
"$20 for 3 minutes" the pilot replied.
"That's too much" said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal.
If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound,
the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all,
you'll have to pay me the $20."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride.
After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, 
"I want to congratulate you for not making a sound.
You are a brave man."

"Maybe so" said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya,
I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

"All Out Of Love"