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How To Make Friends In An Elevator
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, NOW, all of you just shut UP!"
- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there"?
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- Stare, grinning at another passenger for while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
- Meow occasionally.
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
- Say "DING!" at each floor.
- Say "I wonder what all these do..." and push any and all red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
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How To Annoy Other People
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
- Specify that your drive-through order is "for here".
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to "keep them tuned up."
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
- TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
- type only in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
Do you hear that?"
("What?")
"Never mind, it's gone now."
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
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How To Order A Pizza By Phone
- If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
- Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
- Use CB lingo where applicable.
- Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
- Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
- Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
- Answer their questions with questions.
- In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
- Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST; FREE-SPIRITED; COST-EFFICIENT.
- Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
- Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets" CD.
- Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
- Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
- Stutter on the letter "p".
- Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
- Ask what the order taker is wearing.
- Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
- Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
- Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
- Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
- Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
- Change your accent every three seconds.
- Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
- Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
- Start your order with "I'd like..." A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
- If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
- Ask if you can rent a pizza.
- Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
- Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
- Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
- Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
- Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
- Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
- Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
- Imitate the order taker's voice.
- Eliminate verbs from your speech.
- When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
- Play a sitar in the background.
- Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
- Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
- Ask to see a menu.
- Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
- Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
- Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
- Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
- Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
- Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
- Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
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Fun Things To Do At Walmart
- Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
- Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
- Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
- Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
- Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
- Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
- Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
- Play with the automatic doors.
- Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
- While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
- Repeat Number 13 in the jewelry department.
- Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
- Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
- Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
- As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
- Ask to put M&M's on layaway.
- Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
- Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
- Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
- Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
- Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
- "I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
- TP as much of the store as possible.
- Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
- Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
- When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
- "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
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How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
- Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
- Tell your friends, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
- Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
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How To Write A Term Paper
- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
- Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
- Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
- When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
- Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.
- You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade... You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
- Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
- Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
- Listen to the other side.
- Check your e-mail again.
- Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
- Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
- Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.
- Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with three exceptions: Pro Bowler's Tour, any movie starring Don Ameche, and Star Trek.
- Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
- Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
- Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
- Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
- Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
- Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
- Check your e-mail.
- Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
- Lie face down on the floor and moan.
- Leap up and write the paper.
- Type the paper.
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Dog Diary vs Cat Diary
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo...bath...bummer.....
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day number 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me from going insane is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day number 761
Today, my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
Day number 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.....Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day number 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for their water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day number 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day number 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait -- it is only a matter of time...
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