It makes a great deal of difference whether our Belongingness is met by a family (a multi-generational household existing for the full self-actualization of each of its members), or by a peer group (an artificially age-stratified group of immature but otherwise unrelated individuals).

In a family, theoretically there are mature individuals whose primary concern is the maintenance of a nurturing environment where children can flourish, where these true care givers model and enforce mature behavior. In a peer group, you have a mass of needy individuals modeling their immaturity for one another, competing for scarce nurture.

My identity will be vastly different if it arises out of a context of belonging to caring family, a place where people love and sacrifice for one another. In a peer group, my identity arises from a context of competition for scarce nurture, and fear of ridicule from expressing differences.

From the home, my uniqueness and creativity are assets, things to be delighted in and marveled at. In the peer group, my uniqueness and creativity are odd and strange, things to be ridiculed and eliminated.

Don't think that any teacher, no matter how caring, can make up for the relentless attention of twenty or so other models in the classroom. The teacher misses breaches of her norms, fails to nurture when needed, and doesn't see a tenth of the cruelty children inflict on one another.

The peer group, being many, unflinchingly spots every single breach of its distorted norms, and punishes offenders without conscience. Far from being a civilizing influence, the peer group is an unmitigated disaster. Golding's "Lord of the Flies" was perhaps too genteel in its portrayal of a child-dominated society. Those who trumpet the need for "socialization" are in denial about unsupervised interchanges between children.

The worst results come from early daycare. It took nearly a year for two little girls subjected to several years of "preschool" to regain their creativity. In simple, "follow-the-leader" type games, they couldn't think of anything to do when the leader. They were too conditioned to looking for the "right" thing to do, the "correct" answer, too afraid of ridicule if they failed. That's why my detox rule of thumb "One month for every year they were in school" doubles for children who have been subjected to daycare or preschool.

At first, a child really recognizes two entities, himself and everything else. Although there are highly identifiable parts of "everything else," like mom, etc., the child cannot really understand them as separate individuals. Little ones of these early ages may be unthinkingly cruel, because they do not recognize others as beings who can be hurt. One little tyke at our house on a visit was hurting some kittens. She said, "squeeze it and it talks." Well, of course it did. We had to explain "How to treat kitty." The least bit of empathy would prevent this treatment, but this little girl, probably about three at the time, was not yet capable of understanding.

As an aside, many daycare facilities talk about "teaching children to share." Before a certain age, it's futile at best.

Another thing you may have observed. Young children sitting together, with a common pile of blocks, plastic animals, whatever. Each child is playing his/her own little scenario, totally unrelated to the others. Psychologists call this "parallel play," because there's little or no interaction between/among the children. Often, the only interaction that this produces is a quarrel. These children have not yet individuated, come to see themselves as individuals like others, and become capable of sharing, taking turns, empathy, etc. Attempting to force these concepts too early may result in a sort of wooden compliance, but not comprehension and understanding.

Someone once asked me if we can't affect readiness and development. I thought a second, and said, "We can delay it." If we provide the optimum environment for the child, he will naturally develop at his maximum rate. Alas, we do many things which detract from that optimum environment, often in the name of "speeding up development."

Famed psychologist Jean Piaget was once asked, "Is there any way to speed up development?" to which he replied, "Why would you want to do that?" To everything [in child development] there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.

Oddly enough we traditionally send children to school just as they are about to individuate, with catastrophic effect on their search for identity.