VOWS

Since this was the final first run Ellen we’ll ever see, there was a bit of sadness in watching a very well written and funny episode. If ABC hadn’t been such morons and aired this when it should have, the show would have had a much send off than it did.
Scene one opens in the living room of Ellen’s house....Laurie and Ellen’s mom and dad are on the couch as Ellen enters the room....she hands her dad a glass as she sits down on the couch...They begin going over details for Ellen’s mom and dad’s re-commitment ceremony...Ellen’s mom starts rattling off things that still need to be done and how little time there is before the ceremony...she then reminds Ellen’s dad to pick up his brother and sister in law at Union Station Saturday night....he tells her he has to pick up another relative at the airport Saturday...Laurie speaks up and says she and Ellen can meet the relative at the airport (much to Ellen’s dismay)...her parents leave and Ellen begins cleaning up the coffee table...Laurie asks her why she tried to get them out of helping with the wedding...Ellen says it’s too much extra work to get involved with..Laurie disagrees, and says “besides, it’s too late to back out now”...Ellen tells Laurie it might be for her, unless she has her own fake leg cast....
Scene two is still Ellen’s living room, but some time later...Ellen’s mom is standing in a wedding dress fretting over which dress she should wear...she then call for Laurie to come and show her the dress she has on.....Laurie comes in wearing a floor length, sleeveless white satin dress with gloves that end just before the elbow....Ellen’s mom tells her how great she looks and then calls for Paige to come into the living room.....Paige comes in wearing a thigh length wedding dress with a veil that’s longer then the dress...Ellen’s mom takes one look at Paige and says there’s no way she can pull that dress off...Paige says “sure you can...right over your head”...finally Ellen’s mom calls for Ellen to come into the living room...Ellen comes out in a floor length wedding dress with a hoop skirt bottom and the top starting just above her bust...leaving her shoulders bare...the dress also comes with a white parasol..(as she walked into the room, you could see Joely Fisher and Lisa Darr both covering their faces to keep from laughing too loud).....Ellen’s mom says “oh...look at my little girl”...to which Ellen replies “don’t worry mom, I’m sure I’ll find my sheep”...the phone rings and Ellen’s mom say she hopes it’s not the caterer..that he’s been pressuring her to decide on a type of lettuce for the salad...Ellen reminds her that they decided on a lettuce...that when the car driving past the house beeped its horn, it sounded like “aruuugala” and that was a sign....Paige come back into the living room and tells Ellen her father needs to talk to her on the phone....Ellen takes the phone and hears her father asks which of the two ties he’s holding would look better with his blue blazer....Ellen looks at the receiver for a few seconds, then says “the one on the left”...her dad thanks her and hangs up....Ellen walks back into the living room as the phone rings again...Ellen asks Paige to get it so she can “grind my teeth into dust”..Ellen sits next to Laurie who is trying to help Ellen’s mother decide on matchbook covers...finally Laurie says “you know Alice, matchbooks are such personal items, you should decide on your own”...Ellen’s mom remembers she has another book of samples in her car and leaves to get it....Laurie turns to Ellen and tells her how honored she is that her mother feels comfortable enough with Laurie that she lets her in on so much of the wedding planning...and how grateful Laurie is that Ellen doesn’t have a “staircase I can throw her down”...Ellen laughs and says “oh honey, I knew you’d understand”....Paige re enters the room and tells Ellen she needs to give a deposit by 6 for her father’s bachelor party or he won’t have a stripper...
Scene three opens with Ellen walking into a very dark club...as the door closes, the room is entirely black....you hear a couple of thuds, a moan from Ellen and as the lights are turned on, you see Ellen sprawled across the stage of a strip joint...the manager looks at her for a moment, then tells her they’re not hiring....Ellen tells him she’s there to leave a deposit for her dad’s party....she turns to leave when the manager asks what her father wants in his stripper...Ellen tells him that’s one of the things they need to spend more time talking about...what he likes in a stripper....as Ellen’s talking to the manager, three women walk in and stop by the door...the manager introduces them as Cinnamon, Ginger and Cherry-O..he tells her to talk to them and decide which one she wants to use...she turns to Cinnamon and asks what kind of act she did...Cinnamon says she just dances...that she studied dance in college..Ellen says “it’s good you’re pursuing your chosen field”..Cinnamon gets on the stage and goes into her dance routine...Ellen stops her shortly into her act and starts offering suggestions...by the end of the scene, Cinnamon is basically standing still with no body movement except for her hands..the scene ends with Ellen asking Cinnamon how she looks in a turtleneck...
Scene four begins at the hotel where the ceremony is to take place...Laurie and Ellen are placing little bags of almonds on the tables as her dad comes in....he tells Ellen that his brother (Uncle Burt) is a “little under the weather” (you can hear Uncle Burt singing tavern songs in the background”..before Ellen’s dad can continue, Uncle Burt staggers over and gives Ellen a hug...he asks her how that “big ol’ lesbian thing is going”...Ellen tells him it’s even better then the salesman promised...as Ellen tries to introduce Laurie to Uncle Burt, his wife (Aunt Fern) comes over and steers him off to a corner so he can sober up...Ellen’s dad asks Ellen if she would be his “best lady” since Uncle Burt was out of sorts....Ellen accepts and her dad leaves the room....Laurie and Ellen walk out to the balcony and talk about how well things are going...Laurie comments on how beautiful the moon is, to which Ellen replies “oh...I guess mom decided on the full moon after all”...As Ellen is standing behind Laurie with her arms around her...Ellen begins to talk about how she’s always wanted what her parents have..Laurie turns to face Ellen and asks “a hot looking daughter?”..Ellen smiles and says no...she’s wanted the kind of relationship her parents have....she then looks at Laurie and asks “so, what do you say?” Laurie asks her what she’s talking about, Ellen says “us getting married”...Laurie sidesteps Ellen and says “oh my god, you’re pregnant!”..Ellen laughs and again takes Laurie’s hand, gets down on one knee and asks Laurie “will you marry me?”...Laurie has sat down and looks at Ellen for a moment then asks “are you serious?”...Ellen replies “usually no, but I am this time”...Laurie tells Ellen that she loves her so much, and if there were anyone she would ever marry, Ellen would be that person...Ellen looks up at Laurie and says “so you’re saying yes?”...Laurie looks away from Ellen and replies “Ellen..i’m saying no”
Scene five picks up where the action stopped for the last commercial..with a stunned Ellen kneeling in front of Laurie...Ellen asks Laurie if she heard correctly, if Laurie has said no...Laurie tells her she did...Ellen asks why she turned her down...Laurie tells Ellen she just doesn’t believe in gay marriages, that since they’re not state sanctioned, they seem like a empty ceremony...Ellen says all she’s asking for is a chance for she and Laurie to stand up in front of family and friends and affirm their love for each other...They argue back and forth a little longer until Laurie turns to Ellen and says “ok...fine...if you want to hold a ceremony I think is meaningless, I’m willing to do that for you)...before Ellen can reply, Paige comes onto the balcony and tells Laurie Ellen’s mom needs her to help with her hair...Paige then remarks on how great Ellen and Laurie look together...and how maybe they’ll be the ones going down the aisle soon...Ellen says “yeah...at Safeway...if the state allows it”....Laurie shoots Ellen a look, then walks into the hotel with Paige.....
Scene six is the beginning of the creaminess...Ellen is standing next to her dad, who has the look of a cornered rabbit on his face...Ellen asks him if he’s ok..He nods his head quickly...Ellen them leans over and reminds him to breathe...The music begins and Laurie comes down the ails followed by Ellen’s mom.....the preacher walks up and the ceremony starts...the scene then moves to the end of the ceremony with the preacher saying the best man had asked to say a few words...initially Ellen forgot she was best man...when she remembered, she asked her dad what she was supposed to do..Uncle Burt then came up and handed her a stack of cocktail napkins (Ellen:”the speech is on cocktail napkins”...Uncle Burt:”the first draft was on a lime wedge”)..Ellen looks over the first napkin and quickly tosses it aside...she then begins to read the second napkin..it begins by saying how he (Uncle Burt) had written a poem for the bride and groom....”There once was a man named Morgan, who had been blessed with..” as she realizes what the next line is, she tosses the remaining napkins to the side...she turns to her mom and dad and says “I think it’s great that my folks are doing this...when 2 people are in love, it’s just so obvious...it really shows....they were just meant to be together.....and I’m saying this in a nice way....you’re 2 of a kind..”
The scene switches to Paige and Ellen’s mom and Dad walking in from the balcony..Paige tells Ellen “it looks like the newlyweds are anxious to get up to their honeymoon suite”...Ellen’s dad says “you bet...Diagnosis Murder starts in 20 minutes”...Laurie joins the group and hands Ellen’s mom her coat....they all agree how well the ceremony went...Ellen’s mom then says “we were going to cancel it but you and Laurie were so into it..”..Ellen’s mom and dad kiss Ellen and Laurie good-bye and head towards the door...Laurie turns to Ellen...”I think we should talk about what happened earlier..” Ellen tells her there’s no need...that all she’s every really wanted is what her parents have...she turns and gestures at her parents standing in the hallway..”you see that? For 40 years my dad’s been buttoning my mom’s coat...and for 40 years she’s never told him that she hates having the top button closed....that’s what I want”....Laurie looks at Ellen and says “that’s what you have now....” she tells Ellen she doesn’t want a fake marriage, she says gay marriages only remind her of what they can’t really have...that it makes it feel as if their love is less real because they’re gay...that she wants to hold out for the real thing....The begin to walk towards the balcony...as they walk across the room, the come upon the table with the wedding cake....Ellen asks Laurie if she’d like some cake...Laurie says yes...Ellen then picks up a piece of cake with her hand and shoves it into Laurie’s face.....Laurie then grabs a slice of cake and shoves it into Ellen’s face, licking off a hunk of icing from Ellen’s chin as the scene ended....Bonsai.

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