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	® "Soupisms" is a registered copyright of Lindsey Tapper, and remember what E! Vice President of Litigation William E. Keenan said about breaking copyrights... Do you have any that aren't up here yet? E-Mail Me them! Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down. Come on, its funny!! E! True Hollywood Stories: Every friggin' night. Moving on. Lets just pause for a moment to see just how hot Salma Hayek is. Meredith Viera is just 1 "G" away from being Meredith VIEGRA. Tomorrow on Loveline, sex, sex, and more sex! Get some! Work that dum-dum! Ooh, Hillary, your a dirty bird. Its ta-ta boy, TA, TA-TA-TA! Hey, whatever pops your rocks. Let's explore, shall we? Let's watch! I wanna get my freak on! I love raw fish! So long cretins! Hang tight heroine addicts! We've just begun to screw with your head! Welcome to Talk Sushi! Hell my foot! That scratching noise I'm hearing can mean one of only two things...Either the hitchiker I buried in the crawlspace isn't quite dead yet, or it's time to read a little viewer mail! I guess I hit him hard enough... Right on Granny! I'm John Henson reminding you not to steal, kill or covet your neighbors, let's show them that heathens can behave too. Note to self: Get rid of autographed script from Matt Lauer. Note to self: Break up with 13 year old. Reschedule date with Isabella Rossollini. The Deb-o-natrix if you will. I've got stuff..on the other side of this commercial. Wax on, wax off. Tomorrow, watch Jerry get jiggy with a he-she! Smile carefully, don't be embarrassed to use a designated frown. See ya after the next sunrise! That which does not kill you, lodges between your skull behind your eyeball...or something... Stop wearing the ugly suits! Get yourself one of those supermodel suits already!! Make the monkey noise! Your watching Talk Soup, have you no shame? Your watching Talk Soup, what would your mother say? Herky! Herky! Beef Jerky! If you know what I mean, and I think you do... Nothin' is more entertaining than watching Cujo lookin' to get his freak on. Tickle this, Elmo! Oh, yeah, I kid you not! I'm fast like that. I'm quick like that. I'm smart like that. Steamroller! Steamroller! Yes Tom, this is a real person. Man, he looks like he is taking a dump! Do you like chinese food? Really?? I do too! Let's talk after the show. Let's go see Mr. Commercial now... Hey, look the people on the other side came back, yay! Note to Self: Break up date with Chrissy, cause she's a f***ing (beeeeeep) slut. I was looking through the internet today, and I saw some pictures of Pamela Anderson from a magazine shoot. She was naked emerging from an egg, which answers the age old question, which came first? The answer? I did. ::Do I make you horny?:: You make me apprehensive. Yan Can Cook, but Yan can't speak coherently I haven't heard screaming like that since prom night. Your watching Talk Soup, if you ever need a favor, you just tell me. Jerry gets wiggy with a she-he. That's why I say, thank god for Fran Drescher! Movies named after Johns sex life: - Jack - The Jerk - Oh My God I'm So Lonely Please Touch Me Vegemite is people! It's people! Talk Soup, we put the "soup" in marsupial! Debbie Take-off-her-top-olous. Sorry, Tennessee! Ladies and Germs, Pre-Ops and Post-ops, presenting the Talk Soup Clip of the Week!!! Let's get it on! Visa, she's every gender you want to be! Hold on penis fans, there's more where that came from! Hold on hairy ass fans, we've got some for you too! So tasteful...so seductive... From Hindenberg to hottie! Knowhatimsayin? Let's squander together, shall we? We'll have more Dick later in the show. 720 condoms? I carry that many in my wallet. Haven't used any of them yet. Been collecting 'em since college, saving for the apocolypse. Gonna be a party boy come doomsday. A lesbian love triangle becomes more geometrically complicated. OK that's enough, Tom! You tell ONE story about camp and everybody looks at you funny! You've seen the monkey suck, now watch the monkey shave! It's not nice to point Mr. Horneypants! Tom: What're ya lookin for? John: The funny...there was supposed to be some funny in this joke...well, I guess we left it downstairs... Settle down, Axle! Nothing says romance like pretending to be poultry! Raise venomus snakes for fun and profit! Day in, day out the same old in out, in out. Note to self: Send Meredith Viera a Charleston Chew. P.S. This doesn't sound like my voice. That's "Shasta." As in cola. Don't twitch freak! I hope you use a glass and not the fountain if you know what I mean. It's not like going outside to suck down cold water out of the garden hose. (On Dave Foley drinking his own pee) I asked you if you drink your own urine and you said "sometimes"? (On Tom "sometimes" drinking his own pee) There are at least 50 wrong ways to count pinpricks. (On standing up too fast.) Shouldn't you be down at the carwash trying to save the rec. center? He is insane in the membrane, my man. Insane in the membrane... The man is a PINAPPLE POKER! Like to spend some time in her dreamhouse, knowhatimsayin? He doesn't belong on Sally, he belongs in WALMART. WUSSY! I'll see you later, MUCH later. John: Say panties. Tom: Panties. John: Don't do it again. Oh, Fun. Forging ahead. Either I've been honored with an honorary degreee from ITT Tech, or its time to read a little viewer mail! Lt. Faaaaaaaaancy, Faaaancy, Faaancy! Hi this is Talk Soup, and I am Kaiser Souzae You watch commercials, I'll get a 60 second lobotamy. She's got her teeth out and ready for action! Oh, sure she looks good, she's had alot of work done. She's so old she was around for the y1k problem! She hasn't watched much of anything since the 80's. The 1880's! (the last 4 were about the 143 year old woman) Guy: Did you say (beep)? John: Yeah I said (beep). Bleep it. Dumb, bad, stupid. Don't jump to conclusions little miss paranoia. Duh... And now back to reality. She caught Josh noshing on another bagel. You're good looking- on planet Dork! Nice glow, but a bad after taste. I prefer Vicks VapoRub, it clears my sinuses. (John, on the woman who puts vaseline on her chest) Sit Still! Do you know how distracting you are? Note to self: Stop relying on old material like Note to self. Can we just see Donny Osmond on his ass one more time? Alright! Ok. It's cool dude. Sit tight Soup Fiends! It'll make sense much later. This is the show that MIT calls a swirling vortex of dysfunction. Talk Soup, your half way home away from being a halfway home. Talk Soup, bad to the last drop. She pays like she weighs so she stays? Rocky Horror what? E! You can't spell gonorrhea without us. We've got 30 minutes of quality comedy for ya, we're playing a rerun of Seinfeld! Come on! No, the comedy has already begun. Neil Armstrong wore those on his moonwalk! She's working without a net! I'm the pony express guy so back off! Frightening, yeah. Stay Local Yocals! Mother Love: He's a bad mother John: Shut yo mouth! Mother Love: Just talkin' bout Shaft! If hosting Talk Soup is some crazy dream...I never want to wake up. Your watching Talk Soup, what would the neighbors think? GRANDMA!!!!! He's doing it again! Are you a fan of female wrestling? But then again...I'm heavily sedated. Wow! I haven't seen anything more realistic since MeatBalls 3. You know what else was a really good movie? Jason and the Argonauts. Yes Helen, water! Anybody...Bueller? I'm John Henson. What's your alibi? Wow...I've never seen a nipple with composition quite like Tom MacNamara's. Last week I broke out into hives in the shape of R2D2. Speaking of gas, I think you've got a leak somewhere. Talk Soup, what do we look like, Canadians? Wow! So thats how they make alfreado! I'm John Henson, thanks to Talk Soup I no longer fear Hell! I think I just pitched a tent in my depends! He's such an adorable little whore mongler! I'm spitting now. Look at me I'm crying! Didn't know wars had an off switch did ya? Shows how much you know. I'm John Henson, but my code name is Charlie Girl. You may have bought yourself some expensive tinkle my friend. I'm telling you they are trying to kill Jose! Welcome to Talk Soup where we offer only the finest selection of meats and cheeses. There's always room for Jello. J-E-L-L-O. Fred just said BUBBALICIOUS. Naughty, Naughty. Somebody needs to crack his chest and look for aliens 'cause your not supposed to make noises like that. Stupid, dumb, bad, dumb. Truer words were never spoken. You know the chances of me appearing on Crook and Chase are about the same of me becoming a big movie star. Don't twitch twerps. A grown man who yards in diapers. Stick around Soup Oficianados! Take it from me folks, it's funny times five! Note to self: Return beaver. Get blood test. Next up; I'll destroy your sense of normalcy with my sense of weirdity! Computer programmers rank as the worst lovers. You know, chances are if your man is into AOL you are SOL. Once that hard drive crashes you're outta RAM, knowhatimsayin? Juggling is the work of the devil. And sleep in tomorrow, because the early worm gets eaten by the early bird. It's got the taste that can't be beat, Grandma's chicken feet! Hey Koolaid!...Ohhhhhh yeah! A transvestite without confidence is just a guy in a dress. And I have got a phenominal butt! Look at my butt. Oh my god I'm stacked! You like animals? No way! me too! We should like get married or something. Bingo bango! Holy Ba-Jesus! One more time in slow motion please. If a roadie for whitesnake tells you it's his way of the highway...take the highway! This pain in my urinary track can mean one of only two things. Either I'm suffering from gall stones or it's time to read a little viewer mail! This happy bouncy feeling can mean only on of two things...either that waiter slipped a little something in my soda, or it's time to read a little viewer mail! Sex addiction affects 10 million people every year (looks down and smiles) 10 million and 1. You're watching Talk Soup, my humble apologies. Tom: Did you find my liver? John: No, I did not find your liver. It's not in my car... I think he did a herky too herky. Welcome to the Talk Soup weekend edition, The Show that's found it's way into the hearts of millions and millions of freaks. I'm John Henson, welcome my children! From John's Last Episode I'll tell ya Tommy, emphysema has never been more fun! Mullica's popularity has forced the surgeon general to issue a new warning: Cigarette smoking causes Birth Defects, Emphysema, and Variety Acts-- and I gotta tell ya you can live with a birth defect but forget it if you got the variety act. Yes Tom, Fred and Barney! Your watching Talk Soup, the show that made a man out of me. That is amazing, Saturn doesn't have that big a ring... Note to self: I am f*cking OUT OF HERE!! Is it hot in here or is it just menopause? Remember kids to floss every night-- afterwards you've got a nice necklace for your sweetie. E! - You can't spell anything that has an "E" in it without us. If your girlfriend vomits on you during sex...who cares! I'm outta here! Guy on Voice Mail: "John, before you leave, can I rub your nipple? Would that be okay?" John: ...Again?! It's time to turn the lights down and mop up the dysfunction. I don't want to play this anymore. NEW!! Sent in by Cara "Do you need an assistant?" --This was John's comment to the pimp on Springer saying that he takes 16 year old girls to the streets and makes money off of them.-- "Hey Tom, you remember when you and I went through that whole low-paying job phase?" Tom says, "Yeah, I sure do!" John:"You know I don't think we ever really grew out of that." NEW!! Sent in by Mandi Like Masterpiece Theatre without the Masterpiece, this is Talk Soup. Oh yeah, baby! Double banger on the flip side! Well, I don't want to confuse you with technical jargon. What's with the crazy, poppin', freakin', funky fresh hip-hop dance moves? Shouldn't you be down at the car wash trying to save the rec center? But it was all a scam! A travesty of a mockery of two travesties of a sham! (On crooked penises) Hey, hey this isn't the Reach toothbrush from Oral-B we're talking about here. But, if used properly, it will treat gingivtis. I wrote that. NEW!! Sent in by Julee Are you ready for GORDON'S NASTY BOY TURNOVERS?! It's Zack-sized! (about Zack, the amazing 20 pound baby) John: It's over, Alan. Alan: What?! You said you loved me! John: The clip, Alan. The clip is over! Alan: Oh, so we're okay then? --- Son, taking off your clothes in front of a fraternity doesn't make you cool . . . it makes you gay! Names for us: Soup Squirrels Soup Puppies Soup Dreamers Soup Freaks Cyber Freaks Soupers Soup Fans Crewcut Hedgehogs Eggheads Raccoons Soupheads Ring Tailed Lemurs Soup Monkies Kiddlies Pampered Little Gerbils of the Night Soup Fiends Campers Soup Oficianados Twerps Soup Weasels Soup Nuts Surfer Girls --Sent in by Mike-- Got any more for me? E-Mail me at LnzyMulder@aol.com. Get Some!