Computer Jokes

Having to do with Microsoft, Windows, Bill Gates, or just computers etcetera in general...


Microsoft vs. General Motors


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
  6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
  7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
  10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
  12. Every time GM introduced a new model, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  13. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.


Top Ten Ways To Tell Your Printer Hates You


10. It sticks out it's printer ribbon like a tounge and jumps out the window

9. When you hit print it always says over my dead body

8. When instead of it putting the words on paper it starts to spit them out trying to hit you...

7. Every time you try to print a picture of yourself, it comes out with a big "X" written over your face.

6. When you walk in the room it prints out a sign that says "If you are expecting me to print out what you want me to think again" in red letters then shuts itself off.

5. You get e-mails saying, "You byte! If you continue to print documents, your hard drive will be deleted. Signed, UrePrinter

4. It takes the mouse hostage and demands, "20 cartridges, 500 sheets of paper, and a fluffy cushion or the mouse gets it."

3. When ever you print out some thing the D's, I's and E's are always blood red and BOLD.

2. When your pictures and documents always come out with a Gigantic printer on it with a shredded paper coming out of its mouth

And... the #1 way to tell your printer hates you...

1. When you click on the button to print and out of the printer comes a letter of resignation.


***-- VIRUS WARNING from MeMail.com --***

Folks, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this one is extremely serious. Please read very carefully and take care!

If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. (Remember Brut 33?)

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!


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Thanks to Bill Gates and a small child with kidney failure for sending that in. If you pass this to at least 5 friends within the next three minutes Bill will give the kid a free copy of Windows 98.


Computer Terminology for the Layman




Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age

  1. 'Ome is where you 'ang your @
  2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  5. Great groups from little icons grow.
  6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
  8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
  9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  10. The modem is the message.
  11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
  13. A chat has nine lives.
  14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
  15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
  16. What boots up must come down.
  17. Windows will never cease.
  18. In Gates we trust.
  19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
  20. Modulation in all things.
  21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
  22. The http://www.joker.org is on you.
  23. Know what to expect before you connect.
  24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
  25. Speed thrills.
  26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
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P.S. These were very hard to put into categories, so many cross over. You'll survive.

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