Religous Humor

This goes to the tune of Adam Sandler's "Chanuka song":

This is a song for all those kids who can't eat
leavened things during Passover.

Jerry from Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, too
Celebrate Passover, just like me and you...

At the cliffs of Dover,
We'll celebrate Passover
We'll sing "Crimson and Clover"
and celebrate Passover

Guess who gets together for first and second
Seder
Dr. Mike, the Medicine Woman and Ruth Ginsberg
(Bader)
Most of us eat chicken soup, with a matzoh ball
Even some old movie stars, like Lauren Bacall...

Jeff Goldblum thinks of slaves' strife,
So do Neil Diamond, Kerri Strug, and Woody
Allen's new wife.
Mayim Bialik eats lots of maror,
So does Madeline Albright, but not Tipper Gore.

So many people dipping parsely in salt water,
I think including someone from "Welcome Back
Kotter"!

So get out your Charoses,
it's time to talk about Moses,
And open the door for Elijah,
He really might surprise ya.

Not a Jew is unabomber Ted Kaczynski...
But guess who is--White House intern Monica
Lewinski!

Tell old Pharoah to let my people go,
So I can have Seder with David Schwimmer and
Lisa Kudrow.
And guess who asks the four questions, timidly and
shyly,
We know him as Carter from ER, but his real
name's Noah Wyle!

For eight long days, we cannot eat bread or rice,
But guess who can? The boys from Hanson and
Ginger Spice!
The girl who plays Colleen on Dr. Quinn is named
Jessica Bowman,
I bet if she was Jewish she would find the
Afikomen!

Tell Big Bird and Grover
It's time for Passover
Get in your Land Rover,
and come celebrate Passover.

Jewish Light Bulb Jokes

Q: How many Hasidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

Q: How many Conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, call a committee meeting.

Q: How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it ad nauseum.

Q. How many Lubabavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it never died.

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

A priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responds "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"

Confession

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What did you do?"

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."