ALIEN VS. PREDATOR

Director: Paul W.S. Anderson

There are no actors/actresses of note for this movie, and for good reason. This movie was such a dud that I don't even think the team of Arnold and Weaver could have breathed life into it. The acting was horrendous - Paul Anderson pulled a serious Ed Wood in that department. The plot had me shaking my head 10 minutes in, and there was such a lack of intensity and suspense that I was happy when ANYBODY died. Sad.

AVP wasn't completely devoid, else I would have simply left the theater. The aliens were extremely well done, with lots of drool and spit and acid and everything else that makes aliens cool. On the other hand, the predators just didn't do it for me. I don't know exactly what it was (fakey rubber suits, lack of weapons for the majority of the movie, humanoid movements) but I found myself wishing the original predator was back to set off his Rolex Bomb and show the other predators how to get the job done.

One problem I have with a large portion of action/adventure movies today is instant adaptation to extraordinary circumstances. One of the many examples here comes in the final scene, where the hot black chick and the good-guy predator are being chased by the mother of all aliens (not something you see everyday). Running away from a creature the size of a house whose aim is to gut you with its 40-foot tail I'll accept as a natural reaction, but to try and fight it or stay near it when its focus is no longer on you is grounds for psychological testing. Death wish anyone? Remember, the black chick is an arctic guide, not Indiana Jones. Honestly, I consider myself a pretty tough guy, but guaranteed I'd be pissing myself and crying in the fetal position if the alien mother even looked at me. I can think of a few much better, much more probable endings which wouldn't insult the audience's intelligence.

Positives:
=- The alien mother: That thing was massive, a leviathan amongst other movie monsters. It was CGI'd well and its movements were pretty impressive. Maybe someday they'll make another movie worthy of it.
=- I'm on the fence as far as the whole 'predators created the aliens to show their worth' story. I want to call it bogus, but I suppose it makes sense when you consider how the predators treated Danny Glover at the end of "Predator 2."

Negatives:
=- The plot: Packed with the power of a AAA battery.
=- The acting: Either nonexistent or superfluous. I would have rather watched Pacino mime out a scene in which he clips his toe nails. It was simply painful.
=- Lance Henriksen: What a disappointment to see him in this movie since he was so good in the Alien flicks. Hopefully he got paid.

Upshot: What else is there to say? Don't see this movie. However, if, by some unseen force, you feel compelled to watch AVP, do so with the same mindset you'd have when viewing a Schwarzenegger film - sit back, relax, and put your IQ in your pocket.

Grade: 58%

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