A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea and calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "Why that's absolutely amazing!", his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?", his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad,"the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked "So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?"
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' S. O. B.!"
Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".
Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua quickly replies, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
""Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over-charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
One bright sunny morning in Utah, SUSAN was busy getting ready for work. It started out a typical day like any other and then.........as she went to let her retriever named Rover inside before she left for the day, she noticed he had a very muddy and quite dead rabbit in its mouth. Now, this wasn't just like any rabbit mind you, but it was all white, the pet variety, and looked suspiciously like the one owned by the little boy next door.
Panicking, because she was new in the neighborhood, and fearing of be socially ostracized for her dog's behavior, she stepped off the realm of irrational behavior. She took this very dead rabbit, gave it a bath, blow dried and combed its hair, then snuck into her neighbor's yard and put Mr. Bunny back into its cage. Hoping they would find it and assume he died of natural causes, thus alleviating herself and Rover from the blame.
She left for work relieved and amazed at her quick thinking. Upon returning from work, she found her neighbor pacing back and forth in her front yard. As her neighbor approached, she panicked slightly, but managed to ask what was wrong. Imagine her surprise when the neighbor blurted out:::::::: "There are some really sick people in this world. My son's pet rabbit died two days ago and we buried him. Some idiot DUG him up, cleaned him off, and put him back into his cage!!"
One fall day, Joe was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Joe went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Joe. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Joe then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" asked Joe.
"Get in line." replied the man.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
A man kept bragging to his neighbor about how smart his bird dog was. The neighbor growing tired of his bragging finally said "Let's take that dog out and see what it can really do."
Early the next morning, they started out through a cotton field and came to a small clump of bushes on the edge of the field. The dog's owner sent the dog in and the dog came out and patted his foot one time. "There is one bird in that bush," said the owner. Sure enough he sent the dog back in and he flushed one bird.
Going on down the field, they came to a second clump of bushes. Again the dog was sent in and coming out patted his foot twice. "There are two birds in the bush," said the owner. Sure enough, the dog flushed two birds.
Down in the corner of the cotton patch was a large bunch of bushes. The dog's owner sent the dog into the bushes and the dog came back out and seemed to go crazy. He started yanking cotton out of the stalks and grabbed a stick and started shaking it around. "What is wrong with that crazy dog," said the neighbor.
"You have to be able to read that dog,"said the owner. "There is more cotton picking birds in that bush than you can shake a stick at."
A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, "Sarge".
The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ole "'Sarge'?" he asked.
"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel.
After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark."
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