Cat Rules

So you have decided to try to live with Human's. A hard decision, one that should not be taken lightly. Humans have a lot of habits that are not compatible with the Feline existence. But you have thought about it and decided the time is right. Human's are not easy to train, but with perseverance and patience you can do it. Never let them, for even a minute, think they are the boss. Remember they are bigger, but you are smarter. Start early, it's easier if they don't have to unlearn a bunch of bad habits. I always start the first day I bring them home.

If there is a place they really don't want you to go, go there, often. If a human should say "no" to you, be sure to fix him with the longest hardest stare at your command, then turn your tail and show him your back end. Make sure you have your tail straight up! If your litter box is anywhere near the kitchen, be sure to make a big stinky poopy just at meal time. It's so funny!

Humans have the hands in the family, they have to feed you, remember. Never let them think they have control here, or you will never get your supper! Make sure you demand your Breakfast at about 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning, especially if they have had a late night. Sometimes they are hard to wake up. I recommend first laying by their ear and purring, to escalate to gentle meows then to walking on their heads then to licking their eyelids or lips while standing on their chests.

If they should ever design to ignore you, like by using that computer machine, make such a fuss! First tell them you are, of course, Prince or Princess of the house. Then make them feel guilty by telling them "how could you pay attention to a cold old thing when you have a nice warm living thing in the house"? Now if this doesn't work, you have to get up on the desk and put your butt in their face. Walking on the keyboard works well also, and it makes really funny noises. If you get them to hold you while they are using the computer, make sure you give them dirty looks every time they move and disturb you.

I'm a busy guy, I got to go climb a tree and jump and stuff, but I'll write more when I have time. Be sure to come back and check! In the meantime, Mamma got an e-mail the other day about how dogs make better pets than cats. I had to answer that one! Here is the note and my answers!

TOP ELEVEN REASONS TO ADOPT A DOG INSTEAD OF A CAT:
This is Moustache the cat, I'd like to reply to these .

11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you.
And your point is????

10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
I beg to differ! I am adorable running down the street dragging my daddy after!

9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
Dogs are stupid then.

8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
I would not! I'd meow THEN go out the back door.

7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
Again, your point? A dead mouse is a wonderful gift!

6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
I will play catch the end of the rope all afternoon, you just have to know what to play with me. Humans are not too smart sometimes.

5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
Untrue! I love to go in the car!!! I hate a box, I want to see everything. I like to stand on the front seat with my feet on the dash and get a good look.

4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
Well, okay, I do get mad when Daddy goes to work, but when he comes home I meet him at the door and make him pick me up and then I lick his face. Who wrote this anyway? They don't know cats very well.

3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
I DON'T take commands! Cats really are smarter than dogs.

2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
I listen to Daddy, we talk and love each other and we floss together every night, show me a dog who does that!

1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
Anyone who has ever been loved by a cat knows this isn't true, we just make the people who WE don't love pay! You have to earn our love, we won't love you if you beat and ignore us. Like I said, dogs are stupid.

DISCLAIMER: From Moustache's humans, we love all animals, we are even vegetarians! The views expressed below are Moustaches and only Moustaches. We are NOT responsible.

Moustache's Guide to Training People