EVERYBODY's seen it before. A guy in an anime fanfic does something inconsiderate, or hentai, or just plain stupid. So the girl standing next to him pulls a huge mallet out of nowhere, and clobbers him into the next building. Or into Low Earth Orbit. Or into another dimension....

But it doesn't have to be that way! What if fanfic authors took it upon themselves to change their ways... from the oh-so-overused Hyperspace Mallet, to the truly ludicrous, flamboyant, and property-destructive Flame-Throwing Umbrella!

Is it not beautiful?

But don't just take MY word for it! Here's some personal testimonies from those whose opinions count the most!

Akane from Ranma 1/2 sez: I've been malleting Ranma in fanfics pretty much as long as R1/2 fanfics have existed! And frankly, it's getting boring! Gimme a break already!

Lina Inverse from Slayers sez: Flame-throwing umbrellas are great for... you know... that time of the month. When your fireballs aren't up to snuff, just whip out a flamethrowing brolly and you'll be back to charring bandits in no time!

Kaori from City Hunter sez: I heartily approve of any trend leading away from the overuse of mallets. I mean, mallets are MY thing! And anyone who says otherwise will get 1000 tons of mallet smack in the kisser!

The choice is clear. The only question is, why would anyone persist in overusing mallets, now that such a highly-endorsed alternative is available? Why, indeed? We can only assume that it's because those poor, misguided fanfic authors simply don't know about flame-throwing umbrellas. And that, gentle readers, is where you come in!

last updated: September 14, 2000. Background picture. Turner D. Century. And some new members of the Society!

The Society for the Replacement of Hyperspace Mallets by Flame-Throwing Umbrellas (FTUs) was thought up by me, Megan Jones, one night under the influence of far too much sugar and far too little sleep. Any attempts to pass this off as your own work will be laughed at hysterically. Ranma 1/2 is © Rumiko Takahashi. Slayers is © Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, TV TOKYO, SOFTX, and Marubeni. City Hunter is © Tsukasa Hojo and Shueisha Inc. Hyperspace Mallets were originally created by... someone... I have no idea who, but it was probably a long time ago, and more than likely for a Ranma 1/2 fanfic. Offer void where prohibited by law. Respondents must answer a skill-testing question. Contents may settle during shipping and handling.