Odds N' Ends

Life, the Universe, and Everything...

The many ways to Kill your Plants

by Daniel P. Ward

As most everyone knows, the death of a house plant is a common occurrence. Many of us have experienced this loss, although some more often than others. While ignorance can be claimed in most cases, there are some of us who purchase houseplants with the soul intention of killing them.
The methods used to kill a houseplant are many and varied. My personal favorite involves a can of wd-40 and a match, but I am often accused of overdoing things. It has been suggested that tossing, say, an Orchid, from the roof of a thirty story building will not necessarily kill it. I can say, with absolute certainty, that rigerous testing of this theory prooved it to be wrong, and that an Orchid will indeed have a very terminal reaction to that form of deceleration.
Plants are considered to be a great gift for almost every occasion, and you can save people a lot of time and effort by gift-wrapping it extra-early. If you use a large box with plenty of wrapping material, you can be sure that no one will be forced to spend too much time trying to keep it alive.
If you don't want to make much of an effort plotting the demise of your plants, there are ways to kill them before you even get them home. In the summertime, for example, be sure to purchase them first thing in the morning. Spend the rest of the dayat the Mall, go to a movie, or even to work if you must. The inside of your car will become hot enough to kill small animals, and you plants will become very crispy, and will turn that special, golden-brown color that is so sought after at the barbeque.
It must be said, however, that most houseplants die of more mundane causes. Neglect, over-enthusiasm, and misinformation are some of the leading causes of plant death. For the readers benefit, I have listed a number of surefire ways to kill your plant in the comfort of your own home.

1. Drown 'em!

Unless you are growing Water Lillies in your bathtub, you probably no not have plants that respond well to sitting all day in a pool of water. So, keep that soil saturated with water, and the plant will be dead in no time.

2. The Dehydration Method

Perhaps the easiest way to kill a houseplant, as it requires absolutly no effort on your part. Simply do not water them at all. Forget about them. Take a vacation. Laugh at how thirsty those little buggers look. It is a sad death for a houseplant, especially for those near a source of water, like the kitchen or the bathroom¹. A cactus might find this sort of lifestyle to be amusing for a while, but even cacti need an occasional drink.

3. The Pot

Contrary to popular belief, repotting a plant as soon as you get it home is an excellent way to kill it. If the plant doesn't look so good, repot it, It is sure to look worse. Move it to a smaller pot, they hate that. Have you ever tried to walk in shoes two sizes too small? It Hurts! A plat is going to like it as much as you will, and a plant won't be able to kick the shoes off and soak it's feet! Often enough, they'll go into a sort of culture shock that they'll not recover from.

4. Lions and Tigers and Bears! (Oh my!)

Actually, this part should be titled "Sparky, Scruffy, and Junior" or "Dogs and Cats and Children".
Any plant in your home is going to be investigated by the lesser beingd that cohabitate with you. So much is a given.
A dog is likely to either 'mark'it or eat it, or both, depending on the size. A dog is short on imagination and cannot be expected to be creative.
Cats will see the plant as an intruder of its domain and will have no choice but to destroy it. Fortunatly, a cat will dispose of this threat with a bit of style.² Smaller plants may simply disapear, with bits of them turning up for weeks to come. Midsize plants will get clawed to pieces, dragged across the home, chewed, and otherwise obliterated. A large plant presents a challenge for a cat. They'll likely climb it first, just to see if they can make it to the top without knocking it over (not that they'd care if they did). Also, any cat knows that a larger plant is much better then a scratching post.
That leaves the children. How many plants did you destroy as a child? Did you pick the flowers? Did you use them to create a jungle scene for your toy soldiers and Barbie dolls? Guess what... Against a child, an unprotected plant hasn't a chance. Some parents learn this early on and leave plants out of the home until the kids are in high school; by then, they've got other things on their minds.

5. Lights!

Ever notice that plants in your home don't grow nearly as well as the one's in a greenhouse do...? A greenhouse has the advantage of getting actual sunlight to the plants. Every fourth grader knows that sunlight is a necessity for all plants³. It is their main sourse of food and energy. So, keeping your plants away from those ultra-violet rays will result in a slow deaththrough starvation. If you take a photograph every day, you can see the gradual decline and fall of what was once, possibly, a rather nice plant
Of course, there are those plants that cannot handle too much sunlight. The coloring of the foliage will give you a good idea. As with humans, the darker the pigmantation, the better the response to direct sunlight. Plants with a more pale coloring, such as a Chinese Evergreen or a Kentia Palm, are as suseptable to sunburn as someone as myself⁴, and SolarCaine isn't going to do them any good. You might as well get that can of WD-40 and a match...

6. Creepy Crawly Things...

Plants and trees are made of wood. Lots of bugs eat wood.
Nuff Said.

1

I have an African Violet that was given to me by a former girlfriend, that I neglected for months at a time without killing it. Admitidly, it never bloomed once in those days. After it became apparent how stubborn it was, I decided to treat it with a little more respect, and gave it to my mother. It is doing fine now and has many flowers, and it looks great.

2

That same African Violet had a number of flowers when it was first given to me. However, my cat, Sam, apparently decided that she liked that shade of purple, and promptly removed them. I suppose it is possible that she decided that the plant added too much color to my otherwise dull apartment, and would not be upstaged.

3

That doesn't include some plants that grow underwater, but the forth grade corriculum doesn't go that in-depth.

4

It is rather embarrasing, actually. I am, by nature, a night person. My skin is so pale thatpeople tend to cover their eyes if I ever wear shorts in public. I've had a tan only once in my life that I can think of, and it didn't last.

I met the sweetest smile today,
words just can't explain.
The way he speaks of everything, the way he expresses pain.

I saw my prince as he crossed the desert,
and watched as he cursed the sun.
Now he stands in his backyard
and in his hand a gun.

He was never taught right from wrong,
his world revolved around abuse.
His fathers now drunken rage,
has never had an excuse.

Love always in his heart,
as fear was in his eyes.
And now his mother lies awake,
beats her pillow and cries.

This never dying spirit,
the one I met today.
Was never joined in his journey,
no one helped him on his way.

So, go to sleep sweet prince,
sweet prince I met today.
Maybe if you're sleeping,
your dreams can't get away.

I have introduced you to an individual,
who means a lot to me.
Maybe if you knew him,
then maybe you could see.

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Copyright 1997© Daniel P. Ward
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