Xmas eve. Spent it at my aunts' place. We forgot to bring my vegetarian xmas food (veggy sausages etc), and so my dinner consisted of 4 hardboiled eggs (I love hardboiled eggs, I could eat zillions...*sigh*...all messed up on a freshly baked piece of bread, still hot so it melts the butter, with splashes of salt...RARARARRA...but this wasn't about food, now was it?) Anyways. 4 hairdboiled eggs, two spoons of red beats sallad, a sandwhich (she didn't have any xmas cheese! Mom always buys me some Edamer for xmas you see, the round cheese with some red wax around it...tradition), and two vegetarian springrolls that I heated in the micro wave. But it was alright...they had plenty of chocolate around that I could eat myself half unconscious on anyways. No harm done. 8)

My brother dressed up as santa for my cousins kids, and the older boy got SOOOO terrified. HAHAHHAHAHA. Isn't that a great swedish tradition? A member of the family dresses up as santa, and hands out the gifts, while all the small kids are terrified, whereas the older kids know it's not santa, it's really dad/uncle Bob/whoever. Anyways...I got a lot of presents from my grandma...and I liked everything I got, but -nothing- was of the kind that makes you think "Hey this was a decent xmas after all!:)"...and if you know me,you'd know it doesn't take a lot to find me something special, dammit, a 50-cent TOY would do...but..nothing. Not even a book =(

I got a nice steel canopener though. I think we can use it as a weapon in case we're even attacked in our apartement. it could do a lot of damage 8) The teflon frying pan was adorable...what else...oh,some socks, I even got 3 pairs of MENS socks (don't ask :), a measuring kit for baking, some rather hidious towels...um..did I mention socks? Nothing else really made an impression on me, so just fill in the blanks by imagening sensible stuff I might have gotten. Oh I got deodorant and schampoo, for example. *sigh*

Okay. I have a question. Can anyone explain why I can be so incredibly clumpsy? I really am...remember when I fell down some cement stairs and hurt my head? Well saturday, on my way to grandma's car in Karlskrona (neighbour town where we were shopping) I slipped on the asphalt...scratched up both the palms of my hands, and hit my knees real hard on the ground. I felt very Nancy Kerrigan, but I wasn't in the mood to yell "Whyyyy? WHYYYYY???"

We drove home, only to find the emergency place was closed...so we drove home and I had to try and clean out my hands on my own. Ouch...*sigh* They still hurt a lot, but not like then...the palms were all stiff and hurting. They're getting better though, but having to poke around in this one big wound was DISGUSTING. It looked just like one of those wounds on Cyborgs, you know, when the skin is RIPPED open, and blood's not gushing, it was more like strawberry jam (Heh, sorry, I have a knack for being gross.) It felt very unreal, but I was rather calm about it. I'm not very well with other's wounds etc, but blood doesn't scare me to death, and if it's my own body then...I can do it.

I have a strange relationship with my blood actually, I mean hehehe, nothing really weird and sick or anything, but I like it. It has a really pretty colour (due to the fact that I don't eat as well as I should,leaving my blood to be more clear red, instead of the dark shade it should be.) *sigh* I sound horrible, I'm sure. I can't help it...maybe it's all those movies I've watched, and my fascination for make up and special effects...I don't know. I'm one of those disgusting people that used to sow threads into the thick skin around ones nails. (HEY, my brother showed me :P) I have on occasion had depressions that have manifested themselves by me cutting myself. Not deep cuts, mind you...I just had the blade from a surgical knife that someone got me, and I'd make tiny tiny scratches at the back of my hands...tiny tiny scratches that would combine patterns...I was quite fond of them at one point, I sort of forgot why they were there in the first place, and started to view them as some sort of ritual scaring, or body art. Funny, for a while there I wanted them to leave scars forever, but one day they just disappeared, and I stopped making new ones.

I must leave now and mail that document. *sigh* Stupid. I'll look on the bright side though...I get to spend new years ever at home, and I won't miss the annual traditional tv stuff! (Meaning - all the shows looking back at the year gone by, all the bloopers, the deaths, what the royal family wore, the british show with the Countess and the servant, and then..one news years day...IVANHOE!) Speaking of Ivanhoe. Rebecca sucks! 8( I just hate the "Even though Ivanhoe loved Lady Rowena to his dying day, I'm sure he always kept a special place for Rebecca in his heart" part. Tramp. Besides, she turned down Sam Neill_!_ *laugh* Maybe I'm the tramp, I'd have no trouble living in sin with him...heh, maybe if I was into religion, I'd understand her.

I'm reinventing myself online I think, at least name wise. From now on I'll exist as alanis, deanna, and urgl. "Hmm? Urgl??" I hear you ask...well, once again I managed to watch The NeverEnding Story on tv, and I just kept chuckling at Engywook (the gnome Atreyu met before making his way to the Souther Oracle), because he kept referring to his wife, Urgl, as "wench". *giggle* She felt so me...muttering, surly, witchy...liked her. Liked the name. It feels like a grunt when you say it..."Urgl - sorry..something in my throat..." . Hey...I think I'm gonna join the Never Ending Story webring! We'll see. I feel weird about webrings, because I feel I should either enter every webring I want to, leading to me being a member of 50+ webrings, or none at all, because I can't LIMIT myself.

I'll limit myself. This post ends...NOW!

The visa thing seems to be in order, and I have new tickets planned for next tuesday...I saw Jessica online today (which made me grin so much I almost hurt my face :) I talked lots with Aziza, sorted questions out...got pep talked. She believes so much in me, which is sweet...I'll go "I'm gunna FLUNK!", and she'll go "NO! So THERE!", and that's enough to make me think I won't =)

I'll complete this face lift on friday...NEXT YEAR! I'll write more then =)

change.

It's very scary, I must say. Especialy when you're the kind of person that's easily confused already. So much new to learn. It's really rather intimidating, challenging and...different. It feels right to leave now, this early on the new year. Cleansing? Might be the word. All new. It's like a rebirth. Almost like I've volunteered to join some strange Witness Protection programme. New Year. New room. New people. New address. New phone number. New school. New words. New meassuring systems. I won't even be able to estimate how hot/cold it is! Like a baby, but still with the memory from the previous life fresh in mind. Maybe it's a good thing I've spent so much time the past months thinking and reliving so much of my past. It's been very tough, and the only one that's even gotten a glimpse of my thoughts has been Jessica, and on occasion little drops have fallen into this diary as well. After all of this, the only conclusion I've come to is...Embrace your past, no matter how sad or ugly it may have been. Just because you need to think and talk things over that happened long ago doesn't mean you should shut up and forget. Most of all, -never- listen when people say "You're STILL not over that?". It's you time. It's your past. It's your future.

In an effort to keep things closer to my mind as I go away, I've started this little photo & story page. It consists of images I've found in old photo albums, and sometimes a story or thought to go along with it. Enjoy :)

I sat up and talked with my grandmother till midnight last night. It was really strange, but fun :) She and I have, and have had since I was a child, our...differences. Lately I've tried to be more tolerant though, I simply don't want to give up the energy to become furious when she tells me my clothes look hideous, or try to get me to try this and that diet. I think things changed around august, when there was talks of me going to the US for fall semester. She was -soooo- upset, and it upset ME too, to see her cry and be sad because "everybody's leaving me =(". It's hard right now too, but I know I'll be back by the end of may, and what else is there? Stay at home to watch over my grandma may sound nice, but it's not something either of us could handle in the long run. We're just not that 'ideal' vision of a grandmother and a grand daughter. We're setteling for just...getting along :)

energy

It's just something I managed to realize the past year or so...so many things in life isn't worth wasting the energy for. "NO! Don't leave, please...we can work things out!!" If someone wants to leave a relationship, then that's the way it is. I have no desire to fight for something that's already lost in someone elses mind. It's just prolonging the hurt.

Do go and see Jessica's page again...she redesigned it, and I love it love it love it :) Of course there are cells in me yelling "We're jellys!" Well. I'll live :)

I just ate a massive dose of chocolate while watching Toy Story. I cried 8) DAMn that Andy kid...abandoning Woody like that for a flashy new toy... My cousins' kid, Johan, he had a Woody toy this xmas...I think I pulled the string at the back of Woody's back more than the kid did though...well. I dunno. My heart liked hearing "You're my FAAAAAVOURITE deputy!" repeatedly. I think I'm going to try and convince someone to buy me a Woody doll too. Hahahhaha. Woody. Heeeheehee...sorry. Heh, felt a bit like Beavis there. I loooooved the movie though. If I was a kid I'd want to see it ooover and ooover and oooover too. heh,I would now too if I could :) It made me feel all good inside. Kind of like Tim Burton's "Nightmare Before Christmas" did, although that one was slightly better ... Amazing how these kiddies movies upset me. The lionking (The scene were Simba's dad dies...EEEEEE! I can't believe they allow children to watch that! -I- had to turn the vcr off and cry dammit!)...The Jungle Book (I had no idea Baloo "dies"! I never saw the whole thing until just two years ago...I bawled my eyes out, all shocked. The 8-year old kid I was watching it with didn't. Strange.) I got real upset when Buzz Lightyear finaly realized he was 'just' a toy, and not really a space ranger. Everyone should get to keep their illusions. What if someone suddenly tried to convince me that I'm not realllly marrying Robert DeNiro? Huh? Exactly. Hah.

Nightmare Before Christmas. Now there's a movie I love.

Okay. I -have- my visa. Picked it up at the post office. Leaving in less than 10 hours. And I have 9 tapes to tape, two suitcases to pack, a family to say goodbye to,two cats to snuggle for an hour each, stars to pluck down from my ceiling, panic everytime I think I've forgotten something...argh. I leave at 3 this morning with my dad. We're driving down to Malmo. I'll say buhbye there and take the bus over with the ferry to Denmark, and at 7.55 I'll leave for London with British Airways. In London, at Gatwick, I'll huggle and snuggle Dylan, and leave blue lipstick marks all over his cute face. After a last hug I'll leave for Charlotte, North Carolina at 10.55 that morning. I'll arrive at 5:30 tuesday evening. Then...who knows. Either I must wait over 12 hours for a BUS to drive me to Chapel Hill...or mAYBE...just maybe Aziza'll have found some sweet sucker twho willingly've sacrificed 6 hours of their precious life to come pick me up. Who knows. *sigh*

Swedish pop journalist I've fallen for coz he's so cute. Even though he's wrong in most his reviews. All is forgiven for that cute fluffy hair. And the article linked is in swedish. Sorry=( On another strange note: I dreamt Lukas Haas kissed me friday night. Ever since I've seen him on tv -every-day. FREAKY!

You like it! You really like it!EEeEeEEeE! Sorry 8) Just floating about coz...everyone likes the new look on this thing :) I feel a lot better now. Yey.

I guess I'm...off then. See you...over there. Although I guess over there will be over here...then. hehehe. Bye! *nervously waving my new canopener* And I'm bringing my teflong frying pan! yey!

Wednesday, January 7. I made it!! I made it through the entire trip without sleeping, coz I couldn't, so before I got to bed I'd been up for 45+ hours. The trip went GREAT!

Highlights All the CUTE CUTE CUTE male flight crew on british Airways. *sigh* I'm In America! I got to see Dylan for an hour in London :)

Low points They LOST my luggage to a different flight, so i had nothing but wehat i was wearing to live in today. Ew. 8( It's HUMID here and I haven't eaten for oh...20 hours? Something.

I MADE IT!!!Argh!!

I have a ZILLION million things to talk and tell about, but I have to go to NCCU and get registred and buy furniture and things so I CAN'T right now..will asap, promise..you know I will :)