I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips. I take a healthy bite From your dainty fingertips. My joy would be complete, dear, If you were only here, But still I keep your hand As a precious souvenir. The night you died I cut it off. I really don't know why. For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie. I'm sorry now I killed you, For our love was something fine, And till they come to get me I shall hold your hand in mine. Tom Lehrer, I Hold Your Hand In Mine. Hheheheheheh! I borrowed this compilation cd with Tom Lehrer from Jesse, and dammit, _it_is_hilarious_! I think it's from the 50's or something like that, but darnit, it made me giggle even though I was so tired I could barely lay down in bed, so it's worth to visit this Tom Lehrer fan page and check him out.

I scratched my face as I was squirming in bed. It took me ages to register that I had dry blood on my face this morning, because I was trying to avoid my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

I hate it when I get stuck feeling like an empty brown paper bag that should be full of sunny oranges, but isn't. I want to be so much. I want to be Tori Amos today. I want to have more than one pair of shoes, smelly as they are, to top that off. I want everybody to read this diary and think I'm the most fascinating brand of Kleenex there is. I want to have a voice that makes people feel. I want to have money. I want to be Jessica. I want to eat proper. I want to be the girl with the most cake. I want to be a better cliche :)

It's ridiculous how scared I can be of things. Jesica pulled off an excellent prank on me last night, without realizing she was scaring the hell out of me. She was sitting by the door, and all of a sudden she knocked on the sofa arm, making it sound like there was a knock on our door. I get up, and open the door hesitantly, only to find - no one there, of course. I start laughing nervously, asking whoever it is to please come up to the door or just forget about it. Of course, no answer. I quickly closed the door. Same thing happens about 3 more times, each time scaring me more and more, simply because I have a problem with people hiding and jumping out on me, and so I didn't dare to look to the sides of the door in case someone was there. Eventually, Jesica revealed it was, indeed, she who was the villain in all this. It didn't calm my nerves much, though =( I really hate being such a scaredy cat. Once, about 4 years ago, I went to Stockholm with some sort of friends. To have fun, we went to the amusement park there. Now, if there's something I've always avoided in amusement parks, it's been the Haunted Houses. Sure enough, after half an hour of persuasion, plus promises to pay my ticket, they managed to get me into one. EEK! I went in, following in the others' footsteps closely, scared to look anywhere. I mean, I *know* it's just dolls and stuff, but it's the whole concept of the thing that scares me. Take anything sort of scary, and my mind will add 50% more. Eventually we got into this room int he castle, where live actors were sitting calmly, all waiting for enough people to get into the room. As I noticed them, I tugged at my friends sleeve and asked if we could please hurry out of there...but no. Sure enough, the "monster" suddenly awoke, and began walking around, chasing the visitors. I panicked severely, tried to run up the stairs to get away, only to stumble upon a second actor walking down them. Eventually they moved away, and I ran up the stairs, only to twist my ankle and scratch my knee. We all walked on, and I was visably frantic, clear to anyone who saw me, but hey, halfway through, there was nothing to do but keep walking. And that's. When. It. Happened. We had stopped at this indoor balcony to catch our breaths. All of a sudden I see my friends STARE behind me, and start laughing. I slowly turn around, only to find myself staring right into a demonic monster face 2 inches from my face. One of the actors had decided I didn't seem scared enough, it seemed. He looked like a mutation between a vampire and a werewolf, as far as I can remember, with long curly blond hair. I decided enough was enough. My knees were like jelly, my ankle hurt, my breath was short, I decided to try reason. "Sorry, I don't know if you noticed, but I'm scared shitless. Could you please go away and scare someone else? I'm very easily scared, and I really can't deal with this." He responded by following me the entire way through the remains of the Haunted House, FLIRTING, scaring me, grabbing me. My friends had a fabulous time. I felt nauxious. Outside the Haunted House, we looked up and saw him on the balcony, making gestures for me to go back in there. Heh. Never thought I'd get harrassed by a Haunted House monster ;)

I'm off to Hare Krishna. Maybe some good food can elevate my mood :)

Friday, April 17 she's convinced she could hold back a glacier but she couldn't keep Baby alive doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere here, here, here you say you don't want it again and again but you don't really mean it Tori Amos, Spark (From the Choirgirl Hotel) So, I don't get it. Someone says "This is what I want" and you are all that, and then they go and pine to share a soda with people who thinks they're lice. I DON'T GET IT. It's always like that. I stand with a track record of 3 relationships with geeks, and 2 crushes on geeks, and ALL of them decided that "Hey, wait a minute - either I could have a girl who watches/listens/laughs at the same things I watch/listen/laugh at, and who I actually have lots to talk about with, OR this opposite person where the only thing we have in common is that we're both homo sapiens, and who find geeks to be really weird and dorky - That'll be #2, Alex!". you say you don't want it again and again but you don't...you don't really mean it I guess I'm being overly dramatic as usual. I'm sure these girls have wonderful things to say and share. It's not about that. It's about reaching a point where you appreciate clumpsy come on's from 60-year old drunks at bus stops, even when it happens for the 50'th time, because no one else ever bothers to. *shrug* I'm already in circles and circles and circles again The girl's in circles and circles got to stop spinning Circles and circles and circles again Thought I was over the bridge now Tori Amos, Cloud on My Tongue, Under The Pink

(Quick e-mail response to the above paragraph) Subject: just remember I wish I had the ability to hug you, kiss you, molest you in public. Jessica =>8)

So I worked at the animal shelter yesterday for seven hours. Mmm, 'twas okay. I got to hold a ferret! I used to want a ferret so badly once upon a time, I'd borrow the few books I could find about them and look at the pictures, figure out where I would keep it, think about names... In a way, it was like preparing for a baby. And then a sweet little cat came along and told me his name was Sammy, and stayed. As much a stray cats stay when they're not running in the woods. :) There was a boy at the animal shelter, His name was Drew, and he's a christian. I only mention this, because we talked religion for 40 minutes, or rather, tried. I'm not very good to argue with, I'm afraid. "What is it you don't like?" "uuh.." I don't have anything against religious people at -all-, as long as I don't have to defend why I'm not. Hehe, one of my best friends irl used to be a satanist, I live with an atheist and a moslim, I eat dinner at the Hare Krishna's every wednesday, I've been to Israel and touched the Wailing Wall. Let me be and things will be just fine. You'll see, in the end, it will turn out that we were all wrong, and that this obscure tribe on Greenland were right, and we'll be sent off for an eternity on a floating peace of ice under the watchful eye of The Great Penguin. Oh wait. The penguins live on the southpole? I dunno, hehe, I wasn't trying to make sense ;>

Sunday, April 19. He's got the haunt of the sea in his eyes But he wouldn't notice me passing him by I could be in the gutter Or dangling from a tree If he knows someone Who's graceful and wise Doesn't mind a girl who is clumpsy and shy I don't mind going with someone that I've never seen Has he got a friend for me? Has he got a friend, Has he got a friend, For me? Richard Thompson(Maria McKee) I've been dreading this entry quite a bit. I don't want to just brush through it and pretend there's nothing to say, because there is. Okay. So friday night I got drunk with some people. Quite -quite- drunk. I was... hmm. Quite embarrassing. Heh. Threw myself all over Jesse (Rule #1 - never harass -friends-!) , drank 10+ tequila shots, large rum and coke, port, etc, told stories to the cat, talked like a baby ("Jesse I rilly liiike you, but you don't like meeeee" hehhhh), knocked over something fragile, asked people if they could "pwease lead me to the bathroom, I need to pee and I don't want to kill something or myself on the way there", got scared of the dark, spent an hour throwing all sorts of depressing memories at Jesse who was trying to sleep, spoke about spirits coming through the trees (the house was in the woods, and there were windows everywhere), and eventually when he fell asleep, it got a bit brighter so I wasn't afraid of the dark anymore, I went up and read things from the bookshelves... I'm STILL embarrassed. I was starting to sort of make friends, and I scare'm away by acting like a punchdrunk lovestruck 3 year old. No wonder I stick to online! Ah well. I'm leaving the country in early may, so if I just avoid everyone involved (well, except for Jesica, which means - avoid Jesse and Joseph. I could do that. Sure.), things will be fine, and then I will be gone for so long that no one but me will remember. And maybe the cat. There. Told the basics. I won't go into more details because it makes my tummy go into a knot. I will say this though - I didn't get hungover. Hah. And I'm trying my best to pretend it didn't happen, so eventually, maybe it'll turn into just another weird memory of a dream that was never quite there. Heh. (I'm actually a bit amazed at how much I told. I didn't think I'd dare to, and the first version of the first paragraph was a lot less detailed, but hey, fuck it, this is my diary, and it's time I treat it like that, even though it means people I know reading it, knowing things I probably would hesitate a bit to tell them in real life. It's there now. Once it's up, I'm not allowed to erase it. I'll blush SO much over this in the morning. But who cares. :0) [Oh my, I haven't made a potato face smiley in months and years, since I broke up with my ex boyfriend, and that's about a year and a half ago. Heh.]

I have a date saturday, though, and I will finish my half bottle of tequila off and all that, and be all over my date, BUT this time it's okay, because my date is JESSICA, and we will conduct it online, as that's the only place I can see her, and she promised to get drunk where she is, in Arizona, and we'll make freaky phonecalls and be incoherent typists', and all that. I can't wait. Hehhe. It's always easier to throw yourself all over people who DO like you already ;) Look! I have PROOF! (aLanis is Me, and Kafka is Jessica) aLanis is still tryoing t write diary Kafka say 'have a good night sleep =:)' aLanis dunno what to say Kafka kises...hehehe aLanis kisses :) Kafka say 'Jessica loves me' Kafka say 'because she does' OKAY now don't fall into the trap 90% of the people we know have fallen into. We're NOT a couple, so to speak, we're not "romantically involved", we're just best bunny friends, and that's that. That's actually funny. So many online think she and I are 'an item'. I mean, we are, but not like that ( not that we wouldn't be if things were different maybe.../\...hehe :), It's just that people are obsessed thinking we're TOGETHHHHER. We usualy sit in my 'room' at the talker, and talk for hours, but hey, I don't know that many people anymore, so why shouldn't we? Okay... and when friends walk in, even really close friends, they always go 'sorry...am I interrupting??", like they think we're having net.sex or something. It's quite amusing :) If we were what people thought, we would be insane gothy mean slut lesbian lovers. Now that's not the me or Jessica you've gotten to know and love, is it? ;)

I'll be a good bunny girl now and do what Jessica told me to. I'll go to bed and sleep well, and I won't have any nightmares, I'll just imagine sweet colours swirling around me as I dream.

Monday, April 20 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. Dave Butler I think I'm walking a thin line, combining those two, with the emphasis on stupid, usually, mascarading as silly. 06:53:43 - 20/04/98 - -=> Kafka warn aLanis: you are not stupid! 06:54:03 - 20/04/98 - -=> Psmith warns aLanis: She's right, you know, you're not. People keep telling me that, and I guess, in a way they're right. I can be rather intelligent and coherent and well thought out when I'm in the right mood. When it comes to humans, though, I must admitt. I am stupid. Stupid Human. heh. :) I -should- be kept in an underground dirt lair, with a permanent internet hookup and really great food and no contact with other humans. Things would be so much simpler then. Well. Emphasis on the *simpler*, I guess.

From Jessica: J is for her Jezebel ways E is for her Evil grin N is for her Neato webpage N is for that page agaiN I is for the one who loves her E is for everytime she makes me shout Alibasic is her last name I'm too damn lazy to spell it out Now that's devotion for you.

Can't seem to get my thoughts together, at least not enough to write an entry. I slept really lousy too, despite all my hopes. I've been eating like a poo. Neglected to sleep. Behaved like a dork. It's not easy being a slacker girl with all that happening. Still. I'm not complaining. Just... stating facts. :) Do you ever feel like you can't spend another minute in your own company, that there's no way you can think about more things, time just refuses to pass, and then all of a sudden it's 3 hours later, and you're amazed you could keep up a mental discussion with yourself for so long? And then I remember, I've been able to hold a monologue going in there ever since I was born, so I doubt I'd all of a sudden run out of things to think...

how many fates turn around in the overtime ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find you thought that you were the bomb yeah well so did i say you don't want it say you don't want it say you don't want it again and again but you don't really mean it Tori Amos, Spark (From The Choirgirl Hotel) Dylan is buying me the 2-cd single release by Tori Amos, Spark! I'm so happy I could roll on the floor in a tu-tu. This song... it just does something to me. I mean, I love all Tori songs, actually, but this song... it grabs me, it won't let go of my t-shirt, it makes me sing it's words throughout the day. Ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find. It is as if the words in the song somewhere summarize my past 2-3 years. say you don't want it, again and again, but you don't... you don't really mean it.

*laugh* NEVER EVER ask a bunch of guys for advice about boys unless you're ready for strange peeks into the male psyche. I'm not saying scary peeks, just very very interesting. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I should eat. :( Friday I had two packs of Ramen Noodles oriental, and got drunk. Oh and some really tasteless pasta they tried to feed me. *shrug*. Saturday... two packs of Ramen Noodles, and a bowl of Raisin Bran. Yesterday, a bowl of GRITS (heh. It takes 10 minutes, and it's not that bad mixed with lots of sugar, jelly and milk.), and a small plate of fried frozen vegetables. This morning, I had a vitamin pill. I'm hoping the pills I eat every now and then will at least keep me from fainting. It's not so much that I don't have much food at home. We're leaving the apartement next week, and I have to finish up everything I have in my cupboards. It's some sort of mental thing. I can't bring myself to feed me. I keep thinking "I should make some food," then I find myself as hungry, 3 hours later. I think maybe things are just getting a little bit too much for me. I can't -do- it. I'm really hungry, but at the same time, nothing seems tasty. I don't even get excited at the thought of chopping up a pepper. *shrug* May it pass, whatever it is. Moving here, going broke, not knowing people, dealing with my usual fright of people and new surroundings, not having as fabulous of a time as I thought with aziza (well. It's both of us, I think, and we're trying to scratch these months and just be wonderful friends again. I think we can do it. I think we can I think we can I think we can! :). It's been more than that, but the conclusion is - I've had some confusing emotional months. It's hard calling home every week, and having convo's about money. I hate it. I feel like I'm stealing from my parents when I ask for the money I need for my monthly bills. I turn into a wreck when I spend $3 on something unnecessary. I'm a strange mix I guess. I am irresponsible with money, but I am -not- trying to lure off money from my parents. I get by on approximately $400/month, which is fine by me. $232 for rent, $60 for phonebill (my own fault. I don't know anybody to call locally :(), $33 powerbill, $10 cable... it ads up. I own 4 t-shirts, 4 pairs of pants, one pair of shoes, one featherboa. I'm fine. Just... stressed, and tired of feeling like I'm so wrong.

Dead eyes, are you just like me? 'Cause her eyes were as vacant as the seas Dead eyes, are you just like me? And all along, we knew we'd carry on just to belong. Smashing Pumpkins, Starlight I always loved those lines, even though I was never a huge Smashing Pumpkins fan. I can not believe I have not seen the sea since early january. It is sort of funny that I of all people would miss it, I have so many phobias keeping me out of the sea as it is, but I just... miss it. Everything is so lusciously green around here though. I was on the bus back from Durham, and all I could see on the sides of the road were newly sprung leaves, so green it seemed ridiculous. I am still waiting for a chance to go for a walk in those woods though. I guess I should not. I would have to have company, and I seem to freak people when I roam about nature hugging trees and squeaking about the colours singing to me. I am such dork sometimes. On the other hand, I quite like that about myself. I can fall in love with a soft scent, the colour of a petal, the sound of leaves ratteling in the breeze. I am not terribly fond of all the bugs, though. Hypocrite I am ;) I have never been camping either. Update though. I have, in fact, eaten. Yey. I stopped by this chinese restaurant with cheap yummie food on the way home, and got me some mixed vegetables and steamed rice for $3.70. It smelled so wonderful I couldn't wait to get home and eat it, so I started nibbling at it as I sat on the bench waiting for my bus. While I sat there, a guy took the other half of the bench, and offered me some water to go with that food. I declined. (Of course. It would be too embarrassing to accept a sip, and *gasp* maybe have to talk.) He went on the same bus as me, and in fact, up to where we live, in the same apartement section. As he got up the few steps, he turned to me and said "You are Kirsten, aren't you?" "No... sorry." " Oh. Thanks for the directions though, and for being so sweet even though you don't know me." *shrug* I went in and finished my meal. MmmMmMmmMmm. More people should try this vegetarian thing, you know. I just can not get over how *good* cooked, mixed vegetables look. The colours almost hurt one's eyes because they're so... present. And hey, they're good for you ;) (I'm actually on my... hmm. Let me think. Oh. On my 4'th year as a vegetarian. Yey

Well. Aside for the food, there was another nice surprise waiting for me. Debbie (Kerowyn) sent me 3 gorgeous new lipsticks! Jealousy (it makes me look like I've been munchin' blueberries), Zealous (grey'ish, I think it'll look smashing with black outlines), and Twilight, a pale blue kind of thing. Gorgeous. I promise to wear them well and look FABULOUS, Debbie. (Everyone should have a Debbie around to tell them they look *fabulous, dahling*, and *who cares what they think, they're just jealous coz they don't dare to wear it*. She's like my own daily affirmation girl. Sometimes it really works for a while, too. Thanx, Debbie :)

Qtpie: hey alanis did u do your diary today? aLanis did do her diary. alanis hasn't finished it up yet though. QtPie has to go read it then. QtPie loves reading it alanis aLanis laughs NO...i din know you read it, qt!! QtPie does QtPie: so u better not talk mena about me I won't, Toni... honest. TWEETY! *giggle* I'm off to a marathon night. I plan to stay up real late and just skiddle around online. I don't have anything planned for tomorrow anyways, so I might as well stay up instead of toss and turn in bed for 5 hours. Heh. And no, I AM NOT A ROBOT. I just can't seem to sleep sometimes. That's all. Okay, Toni. You can read now. ;)

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