July
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Violently happy
Violently happy
Violently happy
Violently happy Bjork, Violently Happy
 Bjork illustrating how her song makes me feel.
So the girl that lives in Charlotte e-mailed me back and .. she's gunan stay with her parents there, and drive back the next day to where she really lives ... CHAPEL HILL! I'm getting a ride! No train, No hotel, and I get to meet someone new in Chapel Hill ... YeY!!!!!
I got a simplenet account! Unlimited webspace, and the addy jennie.simplenet.com. I'm not there yet, so there's nothing there, but still. YEY!!! I feel great. :) |
So. Some things have been bothering me for a while. The past few weeks an old relationship's been seeping into things. It's not so much that what happened is something I think much of anymore. It has passed so much time since then that the cells in me that had to deal with it all seem to have been replaced and renewed. Unfortunately, the other party involved seem to still hold strange grudges against me - I never knew nor cared much about it. And then a friend of mine told me. I'm just amazed at the inane level of these 'accusations'. I've never wanted to be specific in this diary, and the few times I have been, I've asked the person ahead, or simply removed whatever I put in here. This time I just can't keep it inside. I'm too angry. I need to 'answer' the allegations, even when it won't make a difference, and I will. I don't know why this is so hard to write. It is something I want to address, this is my own forum to address it in and yet ... it is hard. I've tried for a very long time NOT to speak about the relationship or the other person involved with people, so finally doing so makes me feel part sad, part glad that I'm letting myself bring it up.
Basically, I've been accused of being some sort of personality chameleon, changing my personality after whoever my friends at the moment may be. Hmm. Personally, I'd like to call it growing up. I was 18 at the time, I'm near 21 now, and I finally feel like I am myself. Not only that - I feel like I was ABLE to grow into who I am today thanks to many things, the bad ending of that relationship being one of them, confronting several bad memories emerging from my childhood at the same time being a bigger thing, and getting to know people I finally felt I could trust completely, people that would never judge me the least bit when I told them extremely personal things and thoughts being the biggest. I feel that some of the things I'm being "accused" of are justified - only in the opposite way. During the relationship in question, I adapted a personality of sorts. The things he claims I used to never do/not like ... all related to him stating his dislike of the same things, with a built-in "I could never be with someone who". It's alright now. I'm not blaming him. I let myself go with it. Dramatically speaking, I acted out the PJ Harvey lyric "ease myself into a bodybag" - at least that's how I feel it now.
It's funny the things he brought up to illustrate what I guess HE thinks goes on in my head.
"Gee, Debbie likes weird makeup, so I guess I do to. Nevermind that yesterday I told people I'd never touch it."I THINK this somehow relates to the very first post of this diary, where I relish in the fact that for the first time in my life, I had put on goth makeup, and then continued with it ever since. Well, I think I need to respond. No, I never used makeup before that day, apart from dressing up in my room. It was never ever because I DISLIKE the use of makeup. I'm fairly sure I stated that too. I never wore makeup, because I was afraid people would point, and stare, and tell me I looked ugly, and ask why on earth I even bothered - it didn't make me prettier. It's something I lived with for so many years - in fact, I even told one of the stories that lead up to always making me feel like I'm the ugliest woman walking the earth here.Finally daring to do what I always wanted to do for so many years, to wear makeup in public, was terrifying. I can never fully describe that day, shaking as I walked down the hill to go to the library and put the diary entry up, feeling as if I was going to implode with guilt and feelings of being singled out, stared upon, laughed upon, pointed at whenever a car or person passed me. I can't describe how Debbie made me feel either, calming me down online, filling me with energy and strength, keeping me from following the urge that popped out every 5 seconds to run into the bathroom and wash the make up off. I don't wear a third as much makeup nowadays as I did those first weeks - but how can it be wrong to finaly feel like people aren't going to spit at me or call me names just because I put on colours on my face that makes ME feel like I'm beautiful, regardless of others opinions?
"Gee, someone I like's getting drunk, so I'd better go do that too."Again, I suppose the person is referring to yet another diary entry. Hmm. It's true, I don't drink much, or often, I guess would be a better choice of wording. Prior to that incident, I'd tried alcohol a few times before, never gotten any special reaction of any sorts except for loss of balance, and decided that it just didn't seem to be the thing for me. I still hold this position. I've NEVER, however, condemned friends who DO drink, nor judged them. When I got drunk, it was hardly because the other people involved was going to, and I wanted to be just like them. I got drunk because I really, really wanted to. I got drunk because I felt very comfortable around the people involved. Whatever. It's just strange to have someone interpret me so wrong.
"And nevermind that she hates her brother for the same reason."Hmm. I hate my brother because someone I like hates their brother, or someone hates my brother so I hate him too? Hmm. First of all - I don't hate my brother. Many incidents involving my brother have made me dislike him strongly from time to time, though. But I guess having gotten into bad physical fights with him ever since I was very young, ending up with busted lips and bruises because I would not give up a fight (well, I'm not a lamb. I can bite, slap and kick quite well, so it's not a one-way fight.), and even having to move out of the apartement and into the small one room shed next to the house when I was 15 because of this abuse doesn't qualify me to have any reasons for disliking him.After all, it's normal to have had the police come to your house several times whilst growing up due to neighbours reporting the fighting and shouting going on at times. (It's no picknick to wait in your bedroom, wrapped up in a bedspread, as a police officer comes in to ask you about what's gone on with my brother/mother.) I've had pretty much every xmas celebration end with tears the past years, because I've had to try and stop him from going at my mother verbally, in ridiculous fights - mostly involving him throwing half our xmas food on the floor/wall/ceiling/in the sink, plates and all. When I was briefly involved with the local organization against domestical abuse, we were sitting at a meeting, listening to a woman who had called in - her husband had nearly beaten her to death because she had bought the wrong bread home. One of the women shook her head in disbelief and said 'I don't believe that it was that simple, I'm sure it started with a serious argument.' Well. When you've SEEN someone go into a white rage fit and throw a filled milk cointainer at a wall so that it burst out over the entire kitchen, because it was one day after 'best use until' date and hadn't been discarded - you know that it can, and does happen like that. Do I have to add that growing up being told you're very ugly, remarkably stupid, and disgustingly fat almost daily also helped ad to my dislike? Whatever. I don't want this to be about my brother. Some things have changed - I'd even like to say that my brother has changed. This summer we've actually had moments when we've had real personal conversations. He's got a lot more growing to do 8and I too, I suppose), but things have at least changed a bit. It's much longer between the fights now, and I've finaly learnt not to let it get at me when things DO blow up. It just makes me angry that someone I tried to tell all these little details about my life has chosen to discard whatever I've told about myself. I'm glad it ended when it did end, because the same month (december 1996) I was going through hell dealing with memories of abuse as I grew up from strangers, memories I'd never dared to examine before then because they hurt too much. Unfortunately, things kept unfurling themselves in nightmares at this time, forcing me to deal with it. Had the thing not ended, I might have told him those memories, and it would have hurt worse to have someone reduce that too as "it's trendy to have been abused, so now she's decided she has been too". It just really really saddens me that I spent a year slowly letting myself open up, and then have it all labelled as some sort of twisted attempt to fit in and impress people I find cool.
"She tells people what they want to hear!"No, dear. There was, however, a time when I tried to tell YOU what YOU wanted to hear. I no longer feel a need to shape myself to fit anyone else anymore though, and in a way, you helped me understand that, by the way you ended up treating me. Thanks :)
'How about you dye your hair pink and see how long till she does too?'I like this subject. It's sort of like in the Cosby show, with the good old "if someone jumped off a bridge". I do feel I have an autonomous brain, thank you very much. If one of my friends DID, however, dye his/her hair pink though, I might do the same. Not to be like them, though, and there's where we differ. I'd do it because I saw something I liked and hadn't thought about before.I didn't get a tattoo simply because two of my close friends got them. I got a tattoo because I've been fascinated with them ever since I was a child, but never managed to gain enough courage to go get a tattoo, because prior to this, I had no one to ask silly questions like 'how much does it hurt?'. If it's a simple matter of hair dye - I've dyed my hair ever since I was 10, on and off (more often the past 4 years). I can guarantee you, there weren't a lot of other 10 year old girls running around with dyed hair back then. There's a big difference between doing things in the hopes that others will accept you, and doing things because you've never seen them as options before. I didn't see someone I want to be like keep a journal, so I don't have one.'I've talked about why I keep a diary many times. At the time when I started it, I was inspired by a diary I had read 8 months earlier, and also I had things happen in my life that I wanted documented. I think that's all I feel like justifying that with.'I'm just so used to losing friends because of her, that I don't really care anymore.'Erm. I think that may have something to do with YOUR personality, not mine.
I'm sorry to be aware that the other person involved reads this diary. I don't think it is very sane for someone whom I have had no contact with since last august, and yet still brings me into things to be reading this stuff. I'm not sure why - it's quite evident the person thinks bad of me, and keep finding things about me in here to build more grudges of. Maybe it's some sort of paranoid watch - waiting to see if I'll decided to rant and tell personal things about him or whatever? I don't know. I guess if it's the latter, you've had your fill these past weeks. Yes. Every reference the past two weeks or so that you think was about you, were. (Well, heh, then again I don't know if you've read more into some posts that were NOT. Whatever.) |
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She lay
A circle, a circle PJ Harvey, Un Cercle Autour Du Soleil
 I need some colours, today.
no regrets. |
Well. It feels ridiculous, but ... it feels as if something is slightly off today. Like something tilted today. My tummy is in knots, as if waiting for something enormous and unexpected to happen. I don't know what it is. I can just feel it. It feels a bit like being the star of a bad horror movie, hearing something creek in the kitchen. I'm at the point where she'd be walking towards the kitchen to see what made the noise. I suppose I should just ignore it. I always feel it's better to ignore the kitchen, and just plain leave, anyways.
Well, the bad news is, the library has disabled ftp, so I can't really get my new simplenet account to work. The good news is, thanks to Jessica, I at least have an index page. I must admitt, it's one of the more horrid image maps I've ever created, but still.
I'm so ecstatic over my new account though. I keep planning to take photographs and new layouts. Just think - unlimited web space. It's enough to gag. |
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Words are useless ...
And all that you've ever learned Bjork/Nellee Hooper/Madonna etc, Bedtime Story
No .. the images I usualy put in this sidebar has no other significance than that I like to take images I like, slightly alter them and put on display for no good reason at all. It's as simple as that :)
I'm busy moving into my new account at simplenet, still. I think I've at least settled for a new index page. Yes. I really did write the text on the image with my lipstick, and yeah, that's my kiss mark. 8) I can finally make directories!! Unlimited webspace! I'm so excited .. but most of all - NO FUCKING GEOCITIES AD'S ever again! Reowr!
jennie.simplenet.com
Blah. I'm fairly certain I am the first human ever to go to America, LOSE weight, come back to Sweden - gain it back. I mean, it's RIDICULOUS. Then again, I suppose not having enough money to buy as much food as I would have liked to those months, and then living at home, having my mom buy all the food I could wish for has something to do with it.
I guess my dreams at the end of the US stay came true - I DID come home and could once again eat anything I wanted. Hmm. I'm both happy about this, at least from a foodie perspective, and a bit poo. Whatever.
Response to Friday's long and emotional entry:
Debbie. I love you too. :) (What were the odds, eh?;)) Thank you for removing the last knots from my tummy. Now I can truly say: No regrets.
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Nice nice NICE weekend. I can't recall when I've had this good of a time lasting an entire weekend. No clouds.
Saturday I warned my mother that I was in a grumpy mood - thusly, prepared her for many snappy, somewhat mean remarks that slipped my mouth throughout the day. After I left the library, she and I walked to a store to buy me some new nice bra's. I didn't find any I felt like buying, despite trying on numerous of them in the standard dressing room with lighting designed to make you feel like a green skinned walrus. We DID, however, find a crushed velvet shirt that fit nicely, even though I'd never dream of wearing it buttoned (I always wear t-shirts and open shirts over that). We ended up buying two of those - one deep purple crushed velvet shirt, and one blue/lilac. How daring, wouldn't you say, considering my "I only like black clothes." view when shopping. Afterwards, I managed to get my mom to eat at McDonald's with me. We don't eat out much ever, so it was interesting. I don't think she's ever had McAnything, so I ordered a Mcfeast thingy for her, because that's what my friend Ninnie always eats there, and I figured it was a nice voucher that my mom would like it okay too. She did. I also had pie. And then I watched G.I. Jane. Okay, I feel I must say this - I LIKED it. Most people have told me that it was rather crappy, so I've hesitated to watch it until now and .. I feel the critisism has been somewhat unjust. Or maybe I just couldn't stop drooling over Demi Moore. It's something to do with the old uniform cliche. Maybe I'm just really really impressed with how strong she looked. Whatever it was, I really thought it was .. good. And then I watched Full Metal Jacket. Again. It just fascinates me - watching the insanity creep up on one of the characters who is everybody's hate target during the military training is just .. scary. The actor playing him looks really, really creepy too EeeEe. And then mom and I watched some old Mel Gibson movie I'd rented because I knew it was just sappy enough for her to enjoy, and sappy enough for me to watch again. Sort of .. pathetic, anyone?
Sunday Ninnie calls. We decide it's a perfect day for a picknick. After shopping for nice, yummie things, we head for the woods, and a remote beach. Once there, we manage to lock her car keys inside. Luckily, the sunroof was slightly open, allowing her to climb up and stretch her arm in to open a door. After walking through the woods for a while, passing several possible locations up because there were already people there, we settled down on a piece of rock, 3 feet from the water. Just as we start whining because we both forgot to bring the ultimate picknick snack - cookies with chocolate creme inside, clouds cover up the sunshine, and the wind begins to toss our things around. We refused to give the picknick up, and stayed, eating our grapes, chocolate and yogurts. Eventually, it just got too damned cold, so we gave up, and walked back to the car. On the way to my house, we followed a van. Why? It had a brick pattern painted on it, and we wanted to see how it would look from the side, as we could only see the back of it. Since Ninnie didn't want to drive past them, we had to follow them for 5 minutes and wait until they finaly made a right turn, so we could see how the entire thing looked. Quite ugly, actually. I wonder if they noticed us. Once there, we watched G.I. Jane again. Or rather, we tried to. My mother interrupted us a fair amount of times - she even got us to help her put up some wallpaper in the midst of Demi Moore's character being falsely accused of being a lesbian. (Which I found amusing - how come it would be 'worse' to have a lesbian woman amongst a bunch of guys, than a heterosexual one? Or maybe it's just my brain that missed something.). Then my aunt came up to say hello, prompting another stop in the movie. 20 minutes later, my cousin came up to say hello, causing another. Shortly after THAT, her kid made a prank doorbell ring leading to a third. Then we paused to eat some freshly picked blueberries, with icecream and vanilla custard. Then my brother's friend showed up, asking for my brother. Then my BROTHER showed up, asking for his friend. Then his friend callled, asking for my brother again. And then we finally made it to the end credits. We went to return the movie, and ended up renting another one, Snow White in The Black Forest. Decided we were hungry, again, so we picked up some chinese food on the way home. Once there, we find that my brother has rented Grosse Point Blank. Yey! We watched, and ate. We both fell in love with John Cusack, and both decided that we'd like to be Minnie Driver. Cussed over the fact that the movie is only a movie, because they were a couple we really wanted to exist in real life. Lovely movie. Do see it, in case you haven't. Popped Snowwhite into the vcr, but couldn't even make it through the previews for other movies, until we felt an "must have potato chips and soda and candy" urge. Stopped the movie, and went shopping in the same store for the third time that day. Walked back home, started watching again and .. couldn't stop laughing at Sam Neil's hair. This is the second time we've seen him in a movie with shoulderlength, silly hair (first being Merlin). What happened to the young Sam we both love from the british -82 tv-version of Ivanhoe? Blah. After the first 15 minutes, we're both complaining. Snowwhite (Lili in the movie) is depicted as an annoying child/young girl, with a far too smug smile, and the evil stepmother (Sigourney Weaver!) seems more like a normal woman, uncertain of her new role as mother and wife in a family where the previous wife died years ago. We could even feel for her hurt when her child is stillborn. It must be a rather strange movie, where you start out cheering for a character you _know_ will be the Bad Guy, right? Ah well. The dwarves aren't dwarves, but instead 7 outcasts, one of which Lili falls in love with (with sappy me and Ninnie cheering on like dorks, because he was really cute.), and the prince is an insignificant character - but it was a nice movie. |
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For once, I don't even have a song I feel like quoting. I am, however, amazed at having discovered that the fake lyrics we wrote for Nemesis are so similar to lyrics by Suicidal Tendencies.
Hmm. I think I'll change that new index image map at the simplenet page .. at least I'll delete the mouth. Why? I dunno, heh ... it makes me think more of one of those "come buy me" sites than a me site. Blah. |
I think I exhausted my brain for a while. Despite the fact that I've been working on these sites and on images all day, I STILL haven't actually MADE anything. I've basically just wasted 8 hours on nothing - not even FUN nothing, but just .. pointless nothing.
I'm supposed to go to Denmark tomorrow with my mom, aunt, cousin and grandma ... but I think I'll actually pass on it. I know, I know, sounds stupid, but I haven't slept well the past nights, and I really, really want to get somewhere with these pages. Besides, I'm going to Copenhagen briefly anyways in august, since I fly to London from there.
On a different note, go look at the beautiful scans Jessica made for her entry today (here, doh) I can't believe she scanned her face. No wait. I can't believe she DARED to. Ever since I saw the body scans of Tori Amos, I've wanted to scan my face, but ... I just figured the light inside would make me blind, or something. Nevermind that, though. And just look at the way Jessica's HAIR look. Magical. |
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