Scene 06: Witness
Late night of next week. Chef's bedroom.
[Chef gets up from his bed and turns the TV on. The Tonight Show With Jay Leno is on.]
Jay Leno
......and finally, Sarah McLachlan mysteriously disappears from the Vancouver courtroom where
she is sued by a Canadian drummer for songwriting credits. Talk about a Lilith Faerie
vanishing act. [Prerecorded applause and laughter rises from the studio.] Teen sensation
Britney Spears, whose album "Baby One More Time" has striked the Top 5 in every chart in the
world, will be here tonight. [More hammed sound effects.]
Chef [exasperated]
Goddammit, Barney's taken over the world!
[Chef turns off the TV. This is the first day that Chef could enjoy his daily routine
ever since Britney Spears literally swept him off his feet one week ago. He walks toward his computer.
He turns it on and logs on to the Internet.]
[Cut to Chef's computer screen. His ICQ software auto-activates on connection.]
ICQ [ICQ loading sound]
Mooooo......
Chef
Sweet, bébé.
[Chef is connected to the ICQ network.]
ICQ
Incoming chat request.
[A Chat Request icon blinks next to the name of an unknown user called, well,
Unknown User.]
[Chef clicks on Unknown User's name to read the Chat Request.]
[Sarah McLachlan's "Witness" starts as the background music.]
Unknown User's Chat Request
Make me a witness......
......take me out......
......out of darkness......
......out of doubt......
[Chef accepts the Chat Request out of pure curiosity. A chat starts between him and the Unknown User.]
Chef
Who is this?
Unknown User
Zelda. [hard return] Link, no, Lauryn has told me a lot about you.
Chef
She sure did. ;] [hard return] How's your court case?
Unknown User
It's delayed. I vanished from the courthouse. You did watch Jay Leno, didn't
you?
Wendy [joins the chat]
......hello?
Chef
Hi, Wendy!
Wendy
Am I talking to......THE Sarah McLachlan? The one who did
Lilith Fair and all that cool stuff?
Unknown User, aka Princess Zelda, aka Sarah McLachlan
You're talking to her, all right. :-)
Wendy
Say, Sarah, do you play Nintendo?
Sarah
Not really.
Wendy
THEN WHAT'S WITH ALL THOSE COMMENTS ABOUT ZELDA AND
LINK!?!
Chef
Wendy, do you know the story about the Triforce?
Wendy
HELL YEAH! As the resident Zelda expert of
South Park, I DO know about the Triforce. And the Golden Land, and the Imprisoning War, and
all the Zeldas and Links that ever existed, and
Sarah
Do you believe in life after death, Wendy?
Chef
Let me explain: The people in Zelda 64 come back to life every 500 years as another person.
Take Ganondorf, for example; his present life is now Britney Spears.
Wendy
Oh Bitchney Bitchney. She trapped my man Stan in a dumpster and beat me up everyday for no reason! I mean, she
treats us like slaves while she plays with her brother and cousin in her swimming pool :-(
Sarah
And she trapped me in her lair because I have the Triforce of Wisdom.
That's why I disappeared from the trial of the century. I'm remote-controlling my computer by
ESP. [hard return] You see, my past life is Princess Zelda.
Chef
What the......she tortured you kids?
Wendy
Big-time. One day I saw Bitchney throwing leftover scraps into the dumpster
while yelling "Feeding time"! Stan and his friends clawed for them right away like Starvin' Marvin.
And they stared lovingly, I mean LOVINGLY, at her! She forces us to do such degrading work that
we wanted to go on strike, but she just beat everyone up! She is an inhuman bitch!
Chef
This is all my goddam fault......I shouldn't have let Barney Spears take the Triforce of Power......
Wendy
Don't blame yourself, Mr. Chef. Bitchney's way too "good" even for the whole population of South Park. [hard return] Sarah, if you're Zelda
and Bitchney's Ganondorf, then who's Link?
Sarah
Lauryn Hill.
Wendy
I think somebody is REALLY stoned......
Sarah
Seeing is believing, Wendy. [hard return] You and Chef head to the South Park
Municipal Landfill right now. Lauryn will be there to meet you, and you three will save the
boys trapped in there.
Chef
Do it for Lauryn.
Wendy
Do it for Stan.
Sarah
I'll go and tell Lauryn that you're there. Talk to you later!
[Sarah exits the chat.]
[Scene changes to Sarah's
dungeon in Britney Spears' lair. She is sealed inside a pink crystal cocoon.]
[Sarah shuts down her
computer with her telepathic remote-control and switches to real telepathic communication. She closes
her eyes and concentrates, and a mirror-like cloud with an apparition of Lauryn Hill
materalizes in the air.]
Lauryn
You called, Your Royal Highness?
Sarah
Link......go to the landfill and save the South Park boys who are trapped by Ganondorf. Chef and
Wendy Testaburger are already there.
Lauryn [valiantly]
I'm on my way. That Ganondorf can't mess with the world anymore!
[Sarah opens her eyes and Lauryn's apparition disappears. She re-assumes her motionless form
in case Britney comes back into the dungeon to check on her.]
Sarah [plaintively]
Everyone is waiting......
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Evil Rebirth is written by Miseducation on March 18, 1999.
South Park & characters ©1999 Comedy Central.
The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time & characters ©1998 Nintendo.