UFOS?  WHEN PENGUINS FLY!

Sedona Exposes Those Amusing Extraterrestrials

By Peter Carlson
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, November 10, 1998; Page B02 

Penguins are watching us and they find us very funny.

The goofy-looking birds are geniuses who long ago solved every
mathematical problem that ever perplexed humans. That's because penguins
are beings from another planet who traveled to Earth eons ago and
deliberately re-created themselves in the form of birds who look like
parodies of fat guys in tuxedos. They knew it would amuse humans
centuries later, when tuxedos were finally invented. Penguins like to
amuse humans because humans amuse them. 

The secret of the penguins is revealed in the November issue of Sedona
magazine, which learned it right from the penguin's mouth. Sedona's
contributors don't write their articles, they channel them from various
intergalactic beings, including the beings that inhabit penguin bodies.
This method of composition results in the strangest double bylines in
American journalism -- "Kryon through Lee Carroll" and "Zoosh through
Robert Shapiro" and "Eubellius of the Galactic Council through Scott
Amun."

Sedona is one of at least a dozen New Age magazines that have popped up
on American newsstands in the last couple of decades. Some are fairly
mainstream and some, like Sedona, are way out there in the Twilight
Zone. All of them make for interesting reading, not only for believers
seeking cosmic wisdom but for skeptics seeking human comedy. 

The New Age movement is as American as televangelism. The First
Amendment gave Americans the right to pick their own beliefs and it made
religions competitors in that great Marketplace of Ideas. This led to
such homegrown religions as Mormonism, Christian Science and the
Pentecostal movement. It also led to New Age, which is less an organized
religion than a sort of free-form do-your-own-thing spirituality that
combines elements of self-help psychology, Indian mysticism, American
Indian mysticism, shamanism, neo-paganism, goddess feminism, Earth
worship, astrology, telepathy, UFOs, crystals and goddess knows what
else.

Unlike other spiritual movements, New Age has no official sacred book.
Instead, New-Agers keep churning out books and magazines jampacked with
theories about everything from witches to penguins.

The current issue of Common Boundary, one of the more mainstream of the
New Age mags, offers some advice from John Perks, a "Buddhist butler"
who once worked "in the Rockefeller household in Washington, D.C. and
for Bill Cosby." Some of Perks's advice is practical: "Hang your pants
upside down, folded along the creases, next to the appropriate jacket."
And some is less practical: "Want your African violet to bloom? It'll be
happier if it knows that you are aware of its consciousness and
vitality."

Meanwhile, Magical Blend magazine tackles the tough theological
questions posed by the recent death of mystic author Carlos Castaneda,
who had apparently led his fans to expect that he would depart this
earthly realm in a spontaneous blaze of cosmic energy.

"While many of his most ardent followers seemed to expect his body to
simply vanish in a flash of light," the magazine reports, "Los Angeles
County coroners have confirmed it was cremated in the usual fashion."

New Age magazines are bastions of cockeyed optimism and slightly skewed
versions of that old-fashioned can-do American spirit. In its current
issue, a magazine titled New Age reports that hypnotherapy can help
heart attack victims, that herbs can cure depression and that kids with
attention deficit disorder can be helped by having llamas as pets.
Magical Blend goes even further, reporting that medical researchers are
on the verge of "breakthroughs that could render us physically
immortal." Which is good because Sedona reveals that the penguins say
that a new era of world brotherhood will begin in 35 years and you
wouldn't want to miss it.

Certain words tend to pop up frequently in New Age magazines --
holistic, healing, wellness, inner, growth, affirmation, quantum, quest,
mindfulness. Mindfulness is especially hot these days. In New Age,
there's an article about an Arizona spa called Miraval, which holds
classes on "Introduction to Mindfulness," "Mindful Relationships,"
"Mindful Decision-Making" and even "Mindful Eating."

Advertisers use these buzz words in their ads. A Caribbean cruise is
marketed as "The Inner Voyage." A bed-and-breakfast calls itself "Your
Total Wellness Getaway." And a company selling Mozart CDs promises that
"listening to Mozart promotes healing and personal growth."

And New Age magazine bills its holiday gift package as . . . you guessed
it, "Holistic Holiday Gift Ideas."

The ads in these magazines are sometimes even goofier than the stories.
There are ads for the "Aura Video Station," which reveals the color of
your aura, and ads for "The Affirmations Station," an alarm clock that
"gently wakes you up with your personal affirmation in your own voice."
There are also ads for "Shamanic Supplies" and "Vogel Healing Wands and
Meditation Stars" and for the "Photonic Triangulation Unit," a strange
sci-fi-looking contraption whose purpose is not explained. Presumably,
you're simply supposed to know.

In Magical Blend, there are ads for herbal marijuana substitutes,
including "Buddah's Blend," which is used for "spiritual enlightenment,
internal journey and guidance," and which comes with a free "Free Tibet
sticker."

If the penguins are reading this stuff, they are no doubt laughing. 


Source:  The Washington Post Company, Nov. 10, 1998